Dating a single, never married, gorgeous, childless man in his 40's

[ladyljc1963]

I'm a 28 year old, never married, nurse. I have started dated an absolutely gorgeous, never married, childless man in his 40's and I am stupidly wondering if it is too good to be true.

Part of me think I should just swallow my insecurities... but the other part is SO curious.

He has said he loves me and he has never known love like it but there is a tiny voice in my head that says its just a line and he will get bored... as surely he has done in the past hence no commitment.

am I being ridiculous?!?!?

See I’m a bit won over by the primary school teacher thing. I’ve never known a PST dickhead. Well, not majorly anyway.

My lovely dad married my mum when he was early 40s, no serious relationships before that.he was Always the nice guy his mates and their girlfriends/wives called on if they needed support.Met my mum, married within 6 months and stayed blissfully happily together for over 40 years.

Don’t overthink this, just get to know him. Not all guys are trouble, there are still some good ones out there.

Tbh I’m not sure why people question why he might not have kids. If a woman posted here she was 41 and had no kids because she had had bad relationships no-one would consider that to be strange or creepy or indicative of red flags so why so when it’s a man?

Plenty of people (both men and women) don’t have kids for numerous reasons. My dp doesn’t, and although he was married his marriage was troubled in many ways and because he grew up in the care system he was reluctant to have children with his ex who had issues of her own (which I won’t go into here) and so it never happened. As it turns out that wasn’t such a bad thing because the marriage broke down which would have had its own impact on any children, and from my perspective I would never get involved with a man with kids even though I have my own and as such it turned out as it was meant to.

In terms of marriage, well, equally lots of people don’t get married, and again, is that a bad thing when so many marriages break down anyway?

Now if he was 41 and had lived with his mum all his life and never had a girlfriend I would be more concerned at his ability to sustain any kind of relationship. I have a cousin who is like this and I can absolutely see why he is still single and IMO he always will be. But right now he’s perfectly happy with that so good luck to him.

Equally the love bombing could or could not be a red flag. It could be that he wants to reel you in, make you fall in love with him etc in which case you could get hurt. But equally it could be just early infatuation which then settles down as the relationship matures and progresses. I would just take it a day at a time, and as it’s early days the reality is that no-one knows how any relationship will turn out down the track so what will be will be. Iyswim.

Some of what you've said about this man resonates with me. I dated a man a few years ago. I was 27, he was 36. He seemed great at first, he was alright looking, owned his own house in a good area and had a professional job and good set of mates. I wondered why he was interested in getting to know me, a pregnant single mum when I'd already said I just wanted friendship. Well he won me round and we started dating after I'd had the baby and was a few months old.
It turned out he was a commitment phobe of the highest order, he had never had a relationship longer than 6 months, told me he didn't really enjoy sex and had virtually no experience. He spoke very negatively of all women. He had only months before moved out of his mum and dad's house.
I had an off feeling about him but I ignored it as I wanted it to work. But he ended up dropping me and disappearing. It was a blessing in disguise but it hurt at the time.
I am now happily married and he's still on dating sites stating he wants marriage, kids, commitment. But something tells me he never will.

Where I live (London) heaps of parents at my kids’ school didn’t get together till late 30s early 40s - I guess for a mix of reasons eg lifestyle, careers, peer group expectations. So I just think it depends on circumstances. Follow your gut, keep your eyes open

Whatever happens OP, DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Use hormonal AND barrier contraception.

However much you want kids. However much he says he wants Kids. But if he’s 41 and he’s “never known love like this before” after 4 weeks dating then you need to be cautious.

Only time will tell if he’s genuine or not. And the thing about pregnancy is that it runs to its own timetable regardless.

Sorry to be so blunt but this board is full of women like you who rushed into things with a new man because of an accidental pregnancy , only to discover it was a BIG mistake.

Then they admit that they “ weren’t too careful “ or “ he told me was infertile/ I thought I was “ or “ I trusted him “. Or “ we both knew we wanted kids anyway and the timing wasn’t important “.

You have many years before you need to start worrying . Don’t let him pressurise you with his declarations of undying love.

I'm kind of in the same position, me and my BF have a 12 year age gap, him mid 40's and me early 30's. He's only had short term relationships lasting a few years, no children, never married. However we were very good friends for 18 months before we got into a relationship, even though we'd always been a bit more and I'd wanted him practically since day one! He's amazing with my kids, despite this being something that got in the way originally. The only thing you can do is give it a shot! Yes he may well be future faking you etc but you really won't know until you try. The age gap works for us, I fancy the pants off him!

Be very careful. The commitment issues from the past combined with his current love bombing of you are what is making alarm bells ring for me. Love bombing at the start of a relationship is always a red flag, but combined with a commitment avoidant past it’s even more concerning. If he had just been unlucky in love and was proceeding with caution in this new relationship with you I wouldn’t be as concerned.

I know only 3 men who didn’t settle into a committed relationship before their late 40s/early 40s.

Man 1: Mummy issues. Never left home, still lives with his parents and is treated as though he’s still 12.

Man 2: Has had 1 serious girlfriend only and she only lasted a year. Married to his job, uncomfortable with sex, thinks he might be asexual.

Man 3: an ex of mine from my early 20s. Love bombs the crap out of everyone he starts a new relationship with (he says he has “never felt like this before” to everyone he dates at first). Relationships never last more than about 9 months as his mask quickly slips and his nasty, controlling behaviour makes an appearance. Since me and the girl after me, the women he’s dated have been old enough and experienced enough to recognise him for what he is and get out before too much damage is done. However, he is now 38 and has just started a relationship with a 22 year old who seems lovely but I doubt I’d experienced enough to recognise his bad behaviour when it starts. I worry about this one.

Me and my DH have a 14 year age gap. We are incredibly happy. People online have their opinions - but you can't see the age gap, and no one has ever noticed it in real life. A lot of people on mumsnet say how obvious it becomes later in life, I guess I'll find out in due course but I'm not worried, the right person is worth a few risks. Only you can decide if you're happy with it, I found the only times I struggled with our age gap was when I worried what may happen, but I realised I can't walk away because of that. Even if I married someone my own age, I could still end up their carer, anything can happen. Life's short, be with whoever makes you happy!

What you say sounds almost exactly like my story. We've been together a very long time and have kids and are very happy. I felt at the time that even if it didn't work out I really wanted to see how far it went and wanted to take a risk.

I would be cautious, bit I would also say that I have three men in my family like this, two of whom would be perfectly good partners. They haven't been due to circumstances: some may say 'issues.' However, a divorced father is just as likely to have these.

DP and I met nearly 7 years ago when we were both mid 40s. I'd been married before and had a then late teens DS. He had never been married and had no kids though he had been in a 14 year relationship that ended a year or so before we met.

He wasn't avoidant or scared of commitment at all he just didn't want kids and wasn't especially bothered about marriage. It's been really nice being with someone without tons of baggage but I've had my family and we are the same age and wanted the same things. You are quite a bit younger so that may make things different.

Never having been married doesn't make a man a commitment-phobe or some sort of freak though!

Mmmm...the love bombing is a bit concerning - it's all a bit too much after only a couple of months.

But, him being childless at 41 and never married does not necessarily mean there is something wrong with him. Maybe he's just not met the right woman. Maybe he's a really nice guy and has been badly/used hurt by a couple of ex-girlfriends.
What reasons does he give for his relationships ending? Of course he could spin you a load of lies, but what he says about his previous relationships might give you a better idea about his history.

I'm 42, never been married and no children (never wanted them). I think men do see this as a red flag but the fact is I have been in a few relationships where I was used - the men were not really interested in commitment - just having a good time now and then moving on when they found something better. In my 20s I was way more interested in travelling and climbing mountains than being in a serious relationship and I dumped a few men because they wouldn't let me be free.
So I wasn't in a position and didn't want to commit in my 20s.
In my 30s I ended up in bad relationships where the men didn't really want to commit.
And now I am in my 40s and wondering what next.

So maybe, he is genuine but I would proceed with caution and not get overly invested just yet. Also, have some more discussions about his past.

Do you know how long his previous relationships were for? I would be a lot less wary with say a man who has just come out of a relationship lasting 10 years than one lasting 3 months. Has he suddenly just wanted a baby?

Though thinking about it do know a man who was in a long term relationship and loved each other but eventually he got fed up of her not wanting kids and dated someone else with a child and they are still together 5 or so years on.

He sounds like a drifter, moving from place to place, ‘finding himself’ and be careful about his past trauma/abuse situation too. Is it a case that he needs a place to live and your house/home set up looks attractive? Be careful OP.

See I’m a bit won over by the primary school teacher thing. I’ve never known a PST dickhead. Well, not majorly anyway.

See this is how I got into the most toxic relationship last year with a guy I thought must be so kind and caring because he was a primary school teacher. He was an awful user and sex addict.

*Love bombing springs to mind

You’ve only know each other since October?? That’s not long enough for him to be saying those kind of things*

I just came here to say pretty much this^

Also he hasn’t been a primary school teacher for very long.

I don’t doubt for a second how wrong I am, thisusername. I knew as I was writing it that it was a dickish assumption.

I think it's a tad unfair to put all the emphasis on this 41 year old man and clearly all red flags just because he's neither had children or been married.

How about the OP? Single the last 6 years but admits to having hundreds of dates, casual meet ups / sex and was dating two other guys when she went on a date with Mr41.

Perhaps he's having the same conversation/thoughts about you Lady

PaleRider1 because she’s in her 20s and looking to settle down... so obviously is going to be dating etc!

That’s the norm. And how most people end up coupled up by mid 30s, circumstances allowing.

Whereas if you’ve got someone in their 40s that claims to want to settle down all of a sudden and want a baby... you need to know that that’s actually genuine/ evidenced by their dating history, or they may be future faking.

I think it's a tad unfair to put all the emphasis on this 41 year old man and clearly all red flags just because he's neither had children or been married.

I know some posters have done this, but personally I'm wary of him because what he is doing is too much, too quickly. And the OP seems to be offering herself up as a sacrificial lamb, rather than acting as if she's met someone she might genuinely love.

I'm mid 40s, never married, never had kids. I have very little dating history. I know that this is because I haven't met the right person at the right time and I don't particularly want to compromise. Yes, lots of people do settle in their mid 30s, but that's the problem, they settle, often for less than they should and then get divorced etc. Having been single rather than doing that is not, IMO, a red flag. Some of us just don't meet someone we really want to be with.

But declaring within weeks that he's in love? Nope. Not buying it.

My DH was 32 when we met and had had girlfriends but none he’d brought home or told them he loved them. He’s just very buttoned up and cautious about these things. But let me tell you he was the greatest catch in the world. Loyal, intelligent, hardworking, extremely handsome, sporty, kind, great in bed, seriously well educated, generous, wealthy, successful, passionate. I got very very lucky. But no way would he have been declaring love early, took him 2 years! Him saying it in the first 6 months would have been quite a red flag.

OP I would be wondering why he was already pursuing you - a much younger person - before he knew anything about you. What motivated him to do that? The love bombing is concerning, as is the arguing (even if you mean heated debate it's telling you instinctively used the word "argue").

I have nothing against age gaps, my own DH is 9 years older than me but we got to know each other very gradually through a shared interest. If he'd come onto me if we'd just bumped into each other at a party or whatever I'd be wary.

Met my husband on old he was in his 40's always lived with his mum, never had a long term relationship, told me he loved me after 6 weeks and we couldn't be happier 🙂 8 years between us, he has no children, I have an adult son. So it can work out🙂

The reason why he hadn't settled down was, working long hrs being a chef 🙂