Dating a single, never married, gorgeous, childless man in his 40's

[ladyljc1963]

I'm a 28 year old, never married, nurse. I have started dated an absolutely gorgeous, never married, childless man in his 40's and I am stupidly wondering if it is too good to be true.

Part of me think I should just swallow my insecurities... but the other part is SO curious.

He has said he loves me and he has never known love like it but there is a tiny voice in my head that says its just a line and he will get bored... as surely he has done in the past hence no commitment.

am I being ridiculous?!?!?

You need to be aware of 'love bombing' and why it's a snare.

And date, just date, until you're more sure of him.

We met in October 2018 and flirted but nothing happened and then he sought me out.. asked about me through some mutual friends and eventually contacted me in December (long story). I know it isn't long but we have been inseparable and I honestly have never been giddy about anyone in the way I am about him. I have dated hundreds of guys but never really "cared" about them.

So it's been a few weeks you've been seeing each other? Tread very, very carefully OP. It sounds like love bombing and future faking to me. He's offering you something he thinks you want in order to reel you in. I wouldn't trust him personally. It takes a long time to get to know someone and you cannot love someone you do not know.

"Inseperable" is a red flag for me.

Take it easy. What's the rush? See each other once a week for the next 6 months. You have other priorities besides this random man who wants to pursue you. Let him be an occasional date. You've got better things to do! Your DC are top of the list.. then your career, your friends, your family, your hobbies.. if he's as great as he says he is, he will respect that and find it healthy.

How come you didn’t get together until December - was he finishing another relationship? I do think his relationship history would be helpful here.

Have you introduced family/ friends yet? When do you think that may be on the horizon?

My friend has introduced her bf to all of her friends and family but he has only introduced her to work friends and hadn’t even told his mother until she worked it out herself! They are on a similar timeline to you - got together Sept/ Oct immediately as his last relationship broke up and already saying I love you etc even before Xmas!

A male cousin of mine didn't really have a relationship until he was 40. He was lovely, kind, good-looking but very shy and had to travel a lot for work. Two years ago, he met a woman 15 years younger. And they're really happy.

If he isn't right for you though, you'll survive it.

RednaxelasPony fantastic advice - slow it down OP and try seeing each other once a week and then once at the weekend for a few months so you can get to know him better without the intensity

I met my partner when he was 39 on Tinder, no children, never married or engaged, never lived with a woman but owned two nice houses, good job and no issues. I was a bit but we were living together within the year and now have a 1 year old and another on the way. It does happen! Good luck

I think it's positive that your mutual friends speak highly of him.

When I met my now dh he was 37, single, no kids. Had never been married, had a six month relationship with someone but apart from that been single pretty much the whole time. Dated a bit but nothing had come of it for him.

We're still together 20 years later. So he wasn't a commitment phobe at all. We were telling each other that we loved each other after only a few weeks, he moved in after about 3 months! I'm sure MN would have warned me that it wasn't a good idea. And I get that 9 times out of 10 it wouldn't be. But sometimes it's ok. Good luck.

Seeing lots of red flags now. You are all right I have been entirely swept up but the thing is Im not afraid of being single so I'm not afraid of this going completely tits up. I'm just so proud of myself for being able to see myself potentially forming a relationship. I know that the more intense something is the more likely it is to burn out but I really think I'm ok with that. It just feels so good feeling "loved" even if it's not real. I haven't had butterflies like this since I was a teenager.

And I'm so sorry, just to clarify I don't have children. I desperately want to be a mother but haven't found myself in the right circumstances. I hope that doesn't mean you don't want me on this chat forum. I really like being here

This does make any sense at all...cant have been in two places (emotionally and physically at once)
His dad died when he was just hitting his teens but he had to become a father firgure to his younger siblings... maybe thats why he is a late bloomer??
he was working through a lot of childhood trauma during his teens and twenties for which he sought therapy, travelled around the UK living in different cities working and finding himself, getting in trouble experimenting with relationships

Yes his Mum and friends and family will see you a lovely ballast for their reformed? troubled? son.

If he is a quiet shy guy it would be possible life has passed him by. I had an ex like this (we went out for three years when he was in his 20s). He has been in relationships since but still not settled (now late 40s). If you met him you might think that life had passed him by (always lovely, gentle and kind) but clearly has got some issues.

However, people can change so best of luck to you OP but just tread carefully until you know him better. There are some men who feed on the initial buzz and romance and then start backing off when a relationship starts to become more serious.

I was in almost exactly the same position as you, 12 year age gap, he had never had any serious relationship, or any children. We have now been married for 20 plus years, lovely son and still very happy. It can work, just enjoy it for what it is and see where it goes. Hope you find happiness OP.

OP, what are you like? You say 28yo Nurse, you seem very sweet and positive lots of men would be keen on you just from age and profession are you very attractive, outgoing etc - if so, I do think it’s likely that he’s just fallen madly in love with you

Keep an open mind, but I'd want to understand the backstory. Why did the previous relationships never stick? If there's a reasonable explanation for it, then fair enough - but what you want to make sure is that you don't get swept up by someone who love bombs you and then fucks off.

I have a friend in his late 40s - no kids and never married. He's had previous LTR (as in years of living together with a mortgage) which have fallen over. He has always been very clear from the get-go that he doesn't want to get married and he doesn't want to have kids. His previous partners have known that from the outset and the relationships have ended when they've changed their mind about what they want. He's been devastated each time it's happened - no fault of his own as he's always been really honest about his feelings. His current partner is lovely and hopefully this one will stick.

Part of me think I should just swallow my insecurities...

Sounds like you have trust issues - I would explore these with a therapist - rather than run head long into a relationship with this guy to test them out.

Take it very slowly if you want to with him - have some fun but protect yourself emotionally - be on alert, keep noticing your real gut feelings and have your finger on the ejector seat button.

Sounds a bit creepy to me.

Older man stalks younger woman through her friends, tells her everything she wants to hear, becomes very quickly.inseperable, spins all the classic manipulator lines,
"I've never felt this way before." Yeah right.
"I've never met anyone like you." As said by Every man to every woman ever.
"I've always wanted kids." Especially useful if the target woman has kids.. if he'd Alyssa wanted kids, he's had plenty of time to have them.

I'd be very very wary and keep eyes and ears wide open at all times.
If something is too good to be true, it usually is.

Can anyone link to the freedom programme Qs

whatdoesthismean2019 Thank you for such a sweet message! I do alright when it comes to male attention but have dated some UTTER wankers in my time.

I foolishly got engaged when I was 21 to an American Army officer But I then called it off 3 months before the wedding when he told me he was sleeping with other girls. Since then I have been a closed book. Only dating/sleeping around for fun but nothing serious. This new guy has literally knocked my socks off. I feel like I could tell if he was full of shit... I dunno, maybe I'm being an idiot

‘He has said he loves me and he has never known love like it..’

I’m sorry but you barely know each other. It has been literally weeks? And besides, anyone can say I love you. Real love takes time.

Some men are VERY good at telling women exactly what they want to hear. They can sniff out your insecurities and play on them to make you putty in their hands. They play a role of the perfect gent, the knight in shining armour ‘Wow you are special....different to other women.....your ex’s didn’t appreciate how wonderful you are......I feel so lucky to have found you......’etc. They are just words.

Don’t let the love-bombing blind you. Relax. Take a tiny step back and put your sensible head on. Know that he may have treated many women the same way as you. He may be addicted to the thrill of the start of a relationship, the honeymoon period.

Yes I’m cynical as hell but I’ve seen and heard it all before, many times. When a man declares his love when he barely knows you, alarm bells start ringing.

Enjoy it for what it is, but don’t get sucked in.

My advice is to just enjoy it, take it slowly, do not rush into anything.

Not every man is a love bombing fake, but then again not every man is genuine. Time will tell you this. My dp told me he loved me after 6 weeks and looking back he obviously giddy with the excitement of a new relationship with somebody he knew he liked. I was far more a closed book but over time I have come to realise he is the best man I've ever met.

Give it time op.

I always think when I read these threads the fact that you're posting online for advice is a really big red flag, as it indicates a high level of internal discomfort.

I dunno, maybe I'm being an idiot

I don't think so, swept up a little maybe, not an idiot.

Some of us on here are a fucking lot little older than you OP and we've seen, and been victim, too future fakers, love bombers, manipulators etc.

It men's we can often spot them easier, but it also means we can be a bit suspicious.

It's for you to decide if the relationship is for real.

Think about what you get up.too.together.
Do you like the same films, music, theatre shows? Do you like the same games,.football team, pass times?
Are all those little.things in line with each other? Or do you spend most of your time in bed?
Most importantly, do you spend most of the time with you putting forth ideas and thoights and him only agreeing? What do you disagree on?

Similar story here, someone I had know from a distance for a few years, he was 42, I was 29. He did have a child but many failed relationships. Also, childhood trauma, bad luck in life etc etc.

Exactly the same shpeel and thoughts as you had!!!!

He told me he loved me in the first week!

He moved himself in by making him and his daughter homeless after a month!

The mask slipped and he might my life a living hell and I could not get him out from my house!!!!

It's been 3 months now and I'm still in the early days of recovering!

Please please please be careful! I wish I was.

Go for it!

Look no further ahead than the date ahead and enjoy the moment.

For some, men & women, the drudgery of a relationship isn’t a priority before they hit 40. Building their careers & travelling etc are their priority.

Have fun

This happened to me and as we got to know each other, more and more concerning information came out, to the point, it was entirely clear to me why no woman had ever stuck around. He was mid-40s.

Happened to a close relative in her late 20s too. Lovely single (10-15 years older) intense affectionate guy. until in under a year he became very controlling and trying to isolate her from family and friends and interests so she would focus on him more. she felt very scared of him by the end. Everyone in his circle was really happy to meet her because she was expected to ‘sort him out’. I’d guess he wanted a pretty young girl on his arm to prove he wasn’t so messed up as he was.

There are red flags here.
Why isn’t he with anyone? Why is he not with a woman his own age?
Why is he so intense? Do you not think other women will have noticed his great looks/personality too- why have none stuck? Does he act a bit controlling or rude to other people he has power over?