Dating a single, never married, gorgeous, childless man in his 40's

[ladyljc1963]

I'm a 28 year old, never married, nurse. I have started dated an absolutely gorgeous, never married, childless man in his 40's and I am stupidly wondering if it is too good to be true.

Part of me think I should just swallow my insecurities... but the other part is SO curious.

He has said he loves me and he has never known love like it but there is a tiny voice in my head that says its just a line and he will get bored... as surely he has done in the past hence no commitment.

am I being ridiculous?!?!?

OK OK warnings have been fully heeded!

You're right it is a big red flag that I have come to an anonymous chat room for advice... I will be honest, I did a google search about dating men in their 40's and that's how I found this sight. This is my first ever chat room experience and I honestly find it incredibly therapeutic.

Of course I am worried, I have met a guy a really admire for the first time in 6 years and he is generations older and I get insecure.

I am seeking therapy because I want this relationship to work. It is the nicest feeling to finally let down my guard and give myself up entirely. I love even the arguments that we have. We tiff about politics and our work and our family and all sorts and I love that he is not afraid to argue with me like so many younger men are.

There is something naively passionate about him and I needed all of your feedback to realise just how happy I am.

He is friends with his ex girlfriends as I am friends with my ex's and i view that as a really positive sign. He is a devoted uncle and i believe him when he says he wants to be a father. He is a primary school teacher and loves working with children.

If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I will survive, I have honestly survived much worse!

Thank you all for your input. It truly has helped.

I'd be looking at the whole picture. Does he have friends from way back, and are they nice, sensible people?
Good relationship with his mum - tick. How is his relationship with his siblings? Why does he get on with them or not?
Has he put down roots now - bought/long term rented house kept reasonably nice, friendship group, hobbies? How long have your mutual friends known him and in what context?
I'd include work in that category, but you said he's recently retrained so that doesn't help with testing stickability.
How does he talk about previous girlfriends? Mostly nice women who weren't ultimately the one, or crazy nut jobs? Has he had long term relationships?

My DH was nearly 40 when we met. Unemployed, lodging with his brother and had a knackered old car that was on its last legs. On the positive side, he was working hard to find a new job in a career he'd been in for years and years, and lived with his brother because he'd relocated for the previous job and couldn't afford the rent without it and needed family and friends' support. He'd had a couple of LT relationships: he, his brother and some of his mates are still loosely in touch with the exes and they are just ordinary nice women. He has friends going back to pre-school as well as newer ones, and they're basically sound. His family are solid, low-drama people. He visited his elderly Nan regularly. The overall picture was a nice guy who just hadn't found the right partner yet. He did talk early on about the future, in the sense of 'this is what I want from life, let's talk about whether we want the same things' rather than 'I just met you, I want to have babies now.'

I was 30, had had a few relationships with nice but not right and a few with arseholes, and loved living in my own so wasn't up for any more arseholes. He had to be an improvement on the life I'd got, which was already fine.

Keep your eyes and ears open, and don't give more of yourself than you're prepared to lose.

Oooh, he's never been married, he must be a commitment phobe! Red flag.

Or, he could, like me, have lived with a partner for 11 years without getting married because SHE was the one who didn't want to get married, having had one failed marriage in her youth which lasted six months.

Things aren't always so black and white.

It is the nicest feeling to finally let down my guard and give myself up entirely.

This is the biggest red flag. YOU are in too deep already. Advice has been that there are red flags so be alert, take it slow etc - and your response is to do the opposite - give yourself up entirely.....

Seriously - sort yourself out first.

If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I will survive

Just be mindful that if you want children, don't let this guy dangle that carrot for too many years.

The sad thing is I have always been the person saying "don't fall too deep too quick".. "take your time".. "red flag, red flag", and yet here I am the antithesis of my former self. I was dating two other guys when i first went on a date with the new man ans after our first date called it off with the others. I've always been a serial dater... is it bad that I've fallen for Mr 41 or is it actually really good?

is it impossible to concede that maybe he has just been waiting for someone like me?... I'm pretty weird tbf and so is he... maybe we just found our weird partner?!

His age is irrelevant - it's his patterns of behaviour you need to explore and your own.

What does ‘he’s pretty weird’ mean?

What a good list #ASqueakingInTheShrubbery, lots there that I ignored or explained away.

Ex had married young and so the rationale for lack of friends was that they were mostly joint so not as close given the split. His friends were however very superficial. He didn't have a close relationship with his family and especially his mum but it took years for me to know the extent of her abuse during childhood. Outwardly they were the epitome of reserved middle class family. He was never openly hostile about his Ex but I think he realised I would know it was red flag. What I missed howecer was that he was never positive about her, which I think is also a red flag.He saw everyone as good or bad.
He had long term hobbies and solid workplace history but now know that it was to project a positive image of himself.

Hopefully the Op, has her eyes wide open and listens to her gut instinct. If someone is too good to he true, they usually are! I thought Ex seemed perfect for me but reality is he is very personality disordered. Given experts estimate that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths it's right to be on your guard.In my late 20s or even early 30s I was still naive and saw the world through rose tinted glasses. That's why age gaps can be problematic as one partner tends to have much more insight and knowledge due to their age.

He sounds like an old colleague of mine who’d been in a ten year relationship that ended because he didn’t propose. At 40 he would only look at women younger and very attractive and whould shudder at the thought of marriage. Then he was fixed up by friends with a woman who was younger than him, intelligent, attractive and higher earning and he fell for her big time. Turned into a completely besotted baby, she felt the same within a couple of months they were living together, within a year he proposed and now he excitedly talks about future babies. He just hadn’t found the one and now he has.

I met my OH when he 42 - sounds exactly the same
I am still with him nearly 20 years later with 2children
All I can say is that you need to take the lead - he was so non committal, however he has turned out to be great father and partner
And I got pregnant without his agreement (after his mum and sister said just do it as he would never commit to children if you had a discussion)

Takes all sorts

You're just starting out? Slow down and enjoy. Don't over analyse. Just see what happens. Don't put him on a pedestal either. He's the first guy to come along in years so don't put all your eggs in one basket.

I mean, to be honest, you're both pretty unusual. You have spent your twenties isolating yourself from dating. Why? he might wonder, in the same way you're wondering why, at 41, he's not been married or hasn't had kids by now. You both have your reasons for living more solitary lives over the past few years. Find out about each other, over time.

I'm 40, never been married, no kids... hope nobody is looking at me as a red flag or I'll be alone forever!

I met my DH when he was 42 and I was 37. We'd both been terminally single because of work factors and life styles. Both of us had had various "relationships" through our 20's and 30's but nothing particularly long term or serious.

We were married within 18 months of meeting, 10 years later we're still both incredibly happy with DD4 sat on the sofa because it's a school snow day.

Go in with your eyes open, don't second guess anything or try to analyse it and just enjoy the moment and see where it goes! You might be surprised. I was!

@MrsDaveGrohl78 No, you'll be fine. They are only red flags when it comes to us men.

Like with any relationship, enjoy it but take it slowly. I have rushed into things because I've been head over heels and ignored little red flags but they always turned out to be issues. The flags are very easy to ignore when you're feeling that way.

You're young. He's older and more experienced so you may just like the novelty and you may feel safer because he's older. Because you think he's less likely to stray as you're so young so obviously a good catch for him. You sound as if you were badly hurt by your ex fiance and maybe find it difficult to trust a man. Picking someone so different and so much older may make you feel like he's more likely to stick around.

Anyway, like everyone is saying- enjoy it but be aware of anything that isn't right. They rarely show at the beginning.

I dated a number of men like this in my 40s. We were much the same age.

They are commitment phones.

And frankly, I am always suspicious of a man who dates much younger women. Generally, they don’t like the challenge of women their own age. They don’t see women as their equals.

This doesn't sound good to me. I'm sorry to say it because you sound infatuated and won't want it to be true, but I'm afraid I think this is too good to be true and as such rings definite alarm bells. Especially with the age difference combined with the way you're putting him on a pedestal. He sounds like a very charming man (ie the dangerous kind!) but something doesn't sit right with over the top romantic stuff, the lack of previous marriage or kids (which oddly enough would be more of a positive/ reassuring sign at his age!)

I'm sorry but something tells me he's likely to be a wrongun and you need to be very careful you don't get hurt. Be ultra cautious about introducing him to your DC at the very least, and ask questions, think critically, don't get swept away by what he says but look at what he does (over time), his past, his friends and family etc.

I find it quite alarming that you are "arguing" already, after a few weeks?

Passion can be a good thing but not in this way, not so early on.

My ex husband is with a woman 13 years younger than him (he had an affair with her) and I think it's ridiculous but that's a lot to do with them being at completely different stages in their lives (he has two pre-teen children and has had the snip because he didn't want any more, she doesn't have any and has never been married). If you are on the same wavelength regarding these things then I guess less of an issue.

You have nothing to rush for..take a step back, put your sensible head on and slow down. If he is right for you, he will still be right for you in a few months of taking it slower.

phobes not phones

But in my experience, your situation is a way to a broken heart.

There are reasons that perfectly lovely men are single.

I noticed your comment about the arguing. That’s odd.

I am seeking therapy because I want this relationship to work. It is the nicest feeling to finally let down my guard and give myself up entirely. I love even the arguments that we have. We tiff about politics and our work and our family and all sorts and I love that he is not afraid to argue with me like so many younger men are

I’m also suprised that you are having so many s after after a few weeks dating.

Sorry arguements

I disagree that older unmarried men don’t want to commit. Maybe they just weren’t ready earlier. I think it could be a good sign rather than a bad one, as it shows they really were mature when younger, not over committing at an earlier age. Also, the age difference doesn’t make it any worse. I’ve also been there.

The real thing is making sure (with any partner, at any age, at any stage of life), that you really know who he is as far as is reasonably possible, and do not overlook any dealbreakers/issues now, hoping they’ll get better later. If he drinks, cheats, is work obsessed, is patronising, or whatever else, it really doesn’t matter about his age or the fact that he’s waited to potentially marry/have kids.

Ask him what he thinks of all that, too. It’s sensible to clarify one’s position before love blinds you to potential problems. If it all looks promising after an honest conversation, then just don’t worry.

If things seem too good to be true they usually are.