Dating a single, never married, gorgeous, childless man in his 40's

[ladyljc1963]

I'm a 28 year old, never married, nurse. I have started dated an absolutely gorgeous, never married, childless man in his 40's and I am stupidly wondering if it is too good to be true.

Part of me think I should just swallow my insecurities... but the other part is SO curious.

He has said he loves me and he has never known love like it but there is a tiny voice in my head that says its just a line and he will get bored... as surely he has done in the past hence no commitment.

am I being ridiculous?!?!?

Two Words

George Clooney

Maybe he never wanted to commit all along but time and tide caught up with him

We have a friend like this, he is absolutely lovely but an absolute commitment-phobe, and the girlfriends are getting progressively younger/relationships getting progressively shorter. So his first relationship when I knew him was from age 25-35, and he broke up with her because she wanted to get married. Then he dated another 25yr old, and that lasted about 4 years (until she wanted to buy a house with him). Then the next girlfriend was also early 20s (he was early 40s by this stage), and they broke up over his lack of commitment again (I never got the full details of why).

So he’s mid 40s now, still extremely attractive, but only after 20yr old party girls. Literally all he wants from a relationship is somebody to go clubbing/climbing/travelling with, and if the woman wants anything more from him he breaks it off. Unfortunately he is not upfront about this - he even talks about “never having felt love like this” and wanting to spend the rest of his life with her, but then he legs it when things get serious.

George Clooney
Probably not the best example.
When I think of him and Amal, I see beard for money.

CurlyWurlyTwirly what does that mean?

I don't think George Clooney is a realistic example of anything any of the rest of us should try to emulate.

😂 George Clooney

Where's my beard emoji?

@another20

Clooney is in the closet, Amal is his beard.
Has married an intelligent wife and had the sprogs for his potential political career.
She becomes Alist & Rich

errr...didn't you mean to say 'allegedly'?

Why on earth would you want to give yourself up entirely to someone you have known for a matter of weeks? Dear God, when you are meeting and getting to know someone, you want to be holding on to your self.

Love-bombing and the giddiness and the speed of this, especially if you lose yourself, makes you very vulnerable. It makes you vulnerable to the small shifts in behaviour if he starts behaving in a controlling or abusive way because you want to recapture the love-filled giddiness and so you rationalise away these little shifts in behaviour. And change your behaviour to keep things sweet. And so on, until you no longer know which way is up.

Someone who cares for you and respects you will not expect you to be inseparable or to give yourself up entirely after a few weeks of dating, they will not be declaring love and promising you the earth, moon and stars. They will be getting to know you, just as you need to get to know them.

Hold on to your self. Never ever give up yourself. It absolutely opens you up to be a victim of control and abuse. Boundaries are good and healthy. And a decent man will respect and expect that.

I definitely would give it a chance

Katara Jean great post

However much you want kids. However much he says he wants Kids. But if he’s 41 and he’s “never known love like this before” after 4 weeks dating then you need to be cautious.

This.

I was 30 and dated a 40 year old. He was good looking, had a great job, his own home etc but no ex girlfriends. It didn't work out obviously.

Listen to your gut and be careful.

8 year age gap between my Partner and I. He was 40 when we met. Never married and no children. I met him online dating and funnily enough he always tells me that what he liked about my profile was that under the section ‘Do you want children’ I had answered ‘definitely’.

He had about 3 long term relationships before me but one when he was quite young and the other 2 he says he knew he didn’t really love. Lots of “romances” in between. I suppose I could have been wary under these similar circumstances...he was asking me to move in after 4 months! Actually I think we have just been lucky to meet. 4 years together now, engaged and couldn’t be happier.

There’s no rush, take the time to get to know each other.

posting on line isn't necessarily a red flag in itself imo. I do it to get an idea of how something MIGHT be perceived from outside the eye of the storm.

This guy sounds old enough to know that you don't future fake unless you're really really certain, or it's good way of reeling somebody in and MAKING them trust you before he's really earned her trust.

So enjoy it but be cautious!

Agree with @CookYourOwnDinner just because he's in his 40s, never married or had children doesn't mean a red flag/commitment phobe or that there's something "wrong" with him. Same for women in this position.

Shocking to see how many people earlier on this thread who seem to think that marriage and children by your 40s signify ok and anything else is a red flag! Oh and only for men seemingly. It's just not true and there are just as many dysfunctional marriages, relationships, people with kids as those who have chosen not to take this path.

The warning signs for you OP are the fact you've not known each other long and it all sounds like hard work already, hence the thread.

I'd only be worried from the point of view that he's desperate to have kids (maybe not so 'suddenly') and needs a younger wife/partner for that if he wants more than one - OP is perfect age without being TOO much younger. Possibly no one younger has been interested in him, and OP is all giddy which is again perfect!

That doesn't mean he can't have or develop genuine feelings for you, too - but definitely don't rush, OP, make sure he loves you for who you are, and not only as 'a perfect mum to nurture his kids' material(a nurse to boot). I'd be less careful if he already had kids - but do give him a chance obviously.