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Original poster

Dating a single, never married, gorgeous, childless man in his 40's

143 replies

ladyljc1963 · 01/02/2019 02:57

I'm a 28 year old, never married, nurse. I have started dated an absolutely gorgeous, never married, childless man in his 40's and I am stupidly wondering if it is too good to be true.

Part of me think I should just swallow my insecurities... but the other part is SO curious.

He has said he loves me and he has never known love like it but there is a tiny voice in my head that says its just a line and he will get bored... as surely he has done in the past hence no commitment.

am I being ridiculous?!?!?

OP posts:
PenguinPandas · 01/02/2019 06:30

Known a couple of men who didn't settle until their 40s and then both did eventually settle, marry and have kids but went through lots of women first. In one case was my BIL and think he suddenly decided to settle after we had a baby and he's been committed since.

In other case the guy married a woman about 13 years younger than him, they are married with 2 kids. I suspect he's cheating on her but hope I am wrong.

Sproutingcorm · 01/02/2019 06:32

I'd be worried he's like a member of my extended family; handsome, funny, hugely charasmatic who has left behind a string of broken hearts and children. He is now posting enthusiastically on social media about his new relationship.
There are lots of pictures of himself and his new "love" who looks to be absolutely lovely, a sensible and attractive looking woman, maybe 15 yrs his junior I'd guess. Maybe it will all work out and she's "the one", maybe he has been honest about his background. I don't know! It's none of my business and they are both adults, but I am sitting on my hands to stop myself sending her a massive red flag emoticon!

In other words, get to know his family and friends, and ask around!

puguin86 · 01/02/2019 06:36

Hi Op. I met and married my DH when he was 40 and I was 25. He was out on a LTR for most of his 30s and spent his 20s being a dick. I think it shocked most people he knew. But wasn't too good to be true. Different people bring our different feelings about wanting to settle down. We have 2 children now and have moved from his drama / hectic old lifestyle. He's just one of your boring middle aged guys now Grin

another20 · 01/02/2019 06:39

He has said he loves me and he has never known love like it......and you are not yet in a relationship? How odd.

no kids yet he so wants to be a father... - "future faking"?google this

we seem to connect in so many ways that I have never connected with anyone. He has decades of experience of relationships over you - he knows how to make you feel like this. How many long term relationships have you had, why did they end and what did you learn from them?

Sounds like "love-bombing" from a commitment phobe. They rush everything to get you hooked in and vulnerable and then the mask slips.

Firstbornunicorn · 01/02/2019 06:41

I mean, I suppose there's always the option that you find him gorgeous, lovely, etc, but other women don't?

If that's the case, then I'd say you're a super lucky lady. I wouldn't question it too much for now.

another20 · 01/02/2019 06:42

I feel like I am ready to be vulnerable - this concerns me. You have a child. You need to be alert.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 01/02/2019 06:44

I know a man who got engaged for the first time in his 40s and married at 50, he's good looking, great fun and a great friend. Just how things worked out for him.

I salo know someone who married in his 40s, he has Aspergers and found relationships scary. He met a lovely lady and they are happily married with children. It was his first long term relationship.

There's no way to tell other than enjoy dating and see where it leads you!

Warsaw0912 · 01/02/2019 06:46

Pleaseeee be careful OP... currently watching a lovely friend go through something very similar.

Her bloke is a serial-LTR type, his relationships seem to last 1-3 years but no more, and all start off extremely romantic, ‘never known love like it’, ‘you’re different, she was crazy’ etc. A friend of his actually warned me that this is his modus operandi but what do you do when your best friend has wanted this for so long and won’t hear sense Sad

He actually took both my friend and his most recent ex to the same city Christmas shopping, a few years apart and asked them to be his girlfriend!!

Just keep your wits about you, be logical and honest with yourself and look out for number one! And in the meantime enjoy what he has to offer you!

I’d be cynical about any ‘never known love like it’ claims though

Petalflowers · 01/02/2019 06:47

If you Happy, then there’s no reason not to carry on.

However, I would want to know a little about his past history before falling too deep. Why has he never married? Has he has long term relationships etc?

Has he said he has got bored, or is that your assumption?

Enjoy the romance, but just keep an eye out for any warning signs (but also , don’t overanalyse).

Also, don’t rush into things. He may be ready to commit sooner then you are, but get pushed into things.

Lozzerbmc · 01/02/2019 06:47

I think not having been married is ok its more about what relationships he’s had. He presumably has had long term relationships/lived with girlfriends? If not then i’d be concerned. 13 yrs age gap is big but ok if you are v mature and feel you are on same page. But i agree with others, best not to over analyse as time will tell. Enjoy the here and now. And re kids my DP was 43 when our DS was born he is a v loving father but not hands on

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 01/02/2019 06:48

So he’s 41.
I think that’s the absolute limit to be childless without questioning why.
It depends whether you want more children ( and you have plenty of time to consider that).
I suspect he has at least one long term ex in his past who was waiting for him to commit, and then left and settled down with someone less “perfect” on paper.
I’m cynical, and if your little voice has doubts, I’d say it’s accurate.

Original poster
ladyljc1963 · 01/02/2019 06:49

Wow! What lovely messages. I am relishing the support and appreciate every point of view. It is nice to get some non-bias opinions. My family are all so thrilled I've met someone I'm prepared to call my boyfriend they don't care what/who he is!

He has had a couple of long term girlfriends and we spoke recently (gushing about how much we like each other) and he said hes never felt like "this".

The thing is, I've trained myself to smell a rat in my age bracket but I can't figure this one out. When I'm with him I feel like we are the same age. We get on effortlessly and have both said how weirdly "natural" and "normal" it feels.

We met in October 2018 and flirted but nothing happened and then he sought me out.. asked about me through some mutual friends and eventually contacted me in December (long story). I know it isn't long but we have been inseparable and I honestly have never been giddy about anyone in the way I am about him. I have dated hundreds of guys but never really "cared" about them.

And yes I can already see that I have pedestalized him but what can I do when my intuition is telling me to go for it... what I'm really doubting is that it feels so right and I have been so taken advantage of in the past. (only young am aware)

Appreciate your ongoing support and this excellent outlet!

OP posts:
MarieG10 · 01/02/2019 06:51

I guess there are always an occasional good one who is in that position but I would see as a red flag and be cautious and try to understand more. In my experience blokes who are a good catch, ie have all the right attributes plus are single and childless tend to get snapped up pronto so I would w dear why he hasn't

Maybe he enjoyed playing the field and has matured?

forumdonkey · 01/02/2019 06:54

I've dated one of these. Never married and no children and the reason was he wouldn't commit to anyone. He'd even lived with two previous gf but those relationships didn't last long before he asked them to leave. The relationship while we were together was great, the time in between seeing each other he was hard work and distant. His relationships didn't finish because he became abusive or possessive, they finished because he refused to commit.

I wouldn't write him off yet but I would watch for signs of bad behaviour or commitment phobe.

What were his past relationships and how does he speak about them?

Rainbowqueeen · 01/02/2019 06:54

Love bombing springs to mind

You’ve only know each other since October?? That’s not long enough for him to be saying those kind of things

I’d proceed with caution and focus on really getting to know him not so much on the romantic words. A PPs idea of asking the questions from the freedom programme is a good one

mjvb123 · 01/02/2019 06:55

My ex was 42 and I'm 29, so we too had a 13 year age gap.
He has never been married or had kids. I put that down to being 'un lucky in love'.
But now I'm out the other side, I can see why! Confused
He did love bomb me a bit in the beginning, whilst I was as he put it a 'closed book'. Then it completely swapped round, and it was me that was putting my heart on the line. We did have a very intense connection. He was as you described a 'seductive' older guy, and I was completely sucked into it. I worshipped him.
Though when the shit hit the fan, he turned very cold and selfish.
What I've learnt is, it doesn't matter if they're 30 or 40, they're all idiots!

Michellebops · 01/02/2019 06:55

At the grand old age of 35 I split from my ex and a year later I was set up on a blind date with a 41 year old who never married or had kids.

His reason was that he'd been in the army for 20 years and saw so much cheating etc it wasn't for him.

Within 2 years we'd had our first. Got married and now expecting our second ❤️ following a miscarriage.

So it can happen ❤️

Good luck and enjoy it

another20 · 01/02/2019 06:55

Yes to asking him about his past but more importantly getting to know his friends and family to ask subtle Qs to see if it all adds up to his story - or if they treat you as GF no 23 and "joke" about his playboy image.

Variousartists · 01/02/2019 06:55

Just take your time getting to know him.

If he is a quiet shy guy it would be possible life has passed him by but if he has had several relationships and is desperate for children I would wonder why it hasn’t happened.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 01/02/2019 06:56

It's very early days, so you're right to be cautious, but he could be perfectly genuine. A colleague of mine was single in his early forties, having never been married, but he had had two significant long term relationships which didn't work out for very different reasons. He's now in another relationship and planning to marry.

mjvb123 · 01/02/2019 06:57

But what I would say is, if your feelings are genuine. Get to know him and take it slowly. My relationship was not taken slowly, and was the most intense rollercoaster year of my life!
But I learnt a lot from him, and I have grown from that experience.

TheNavigator · 01/02/2019 06:59

OP - did you mention you were a single mother? Not sure if I picked that up correctly or not. If you don't have a child, I would think there is no reason not to just climb aboard, enjoy the ride and see where it takes you both. If you are a parent, then a bit more caution would be wise, especially if he knew you had a child when he started dating you....

another20 · 01/02/2019 07:03

So he contacted you in December - when did you go on your first date?

When did this happen He has said he loves me and he has never known love like it. - days or weeks (cant be months)?

Original poster
ladyljc1963 · 01/02/2019 07:03

So many truth bombs!

So, we have quite a few mutual friends/ acquaintances who ALL say he such a nice guy. My understanding, from conversations we've had, is that he was working through a lot of childhood trauma during his teens and twenties for which he sought therapy, travelled around the UK living in different cities working and finding himself, getting in trouble experimenting with relationships. Then in his thirties he started working towards a sustainable future and he qualified as a teacher last year.

I know I need to be careful but I think he is ready to settle. I am mature for my age, there is no denying and I empathise with what he has been through... also met his mum and she is amazing and he has a lovely relationship with her. He has 3 younger siblings all married and with children. His dad died when he was just hitting his teens but he had to become a father firgure to his younger siblings... maybe thats why he is a late bloomer??

ohh i could talk about him for hours. Sorry!

OP posts:
whatdoesthismean2019 · 01/02/2019 07:04

This happened to me and as we got to know each other, more and more concerning information came out, to the point, it was entirely clear to me why no woman had ever stuck around. He was mid-40s.