Am I being a psycho bitch?????

[psychobitch]

Partner started job in new department yesterday and had told me that he had his own office, fair enough.

He called me yesterday from his 'new desk' saying that he has the office all to himself this week. Confused I said that I thought that he had the office to himself all the time anyway? He said no he shares with someone.

Turns out this someone is a woman, which I know I shouldn't have an issue with.

But why has he not mentioned it in the 2 months leading upto him starting the job?

Had a bit of a row about it yesterday, then when we went to bed last night I just had it going round and round my mind and got more and more paniky and worried about it. So when DS woke for a feed at 1:30am, I asked DP why he hadn't told me before.

Asked if he fancied her? If there was something I should know? He just got angry with me.

He said at one point that he wouldn't do anything to risk his home and family (pointed out that he never mentioned me in that, but he said I am part of his family).

Never actually said no he doesn't fancy her or gave a reason why he never mentioned her before. He wouldn't even tell me her name!!!!!!!!

He then came downstairs and slept on the sofa, said he is so close to walking out cause he is sick of me and me accusing him of things.

We are clearly now not talking, he was gone when I got up. I just feel like sitting and crying.

Am I being paranoid? Or a psycho bitch?

I used to do that with an ex! Always make sure he was 'satisfied' before he went out!

Never had the chance with DP cause the kids have always been around. Plus I am usually too busy sulking cause he is going out to talk to him, never mind anything else!

I always know if he thinks I look nice on the rare ocassion I go out, cause he will make a comment like 'oh got yourself tarted up have you' or 'you never get a new top to go out with me'! Having said that only been out without him about 5 times since I moved down here (20 months ago - thought it was less than that).

Off to the gym now, again, even though I am shattered! Really wish I had the nerve to do controlled crying with DS.

I swear he will be 17 years old, and still knocking on my bedroom door for some milk at 3 in the morning!!!!

Star - it really sounds to me as if he needs to help you feel more self confident if he wants to stop pb returning, he doesn't seem to be helping you and you're the one who's had the children, this needs to be recognised! Could you sit him down and draw up some kind of contract where you both make some promises to each other and then try to keep them?

For instance, he takes you out once a week (it doesn't have to break the bank, there are some great midweek meal deals around) and you both make a concerted effort to compliment each other and try to remember that you do love each other and in return you try to bite your lip when the insecure feelings bubble up to the surface?

By the way well done for continuing with the gym, it takes a lot of willpower and you can pat yourself on back!

• dd was five before she gave up the midnight milk (oldest weaner in town?) - now she's 15 she does her own hot chocolate and I can get some sleep.

Star, those 20 questions are a HUGE pressure for anyone! But many people who are that insecure and possessive don't KNOW they are (usually men in my experience) & they push their partners away. You DO know what you're doing, you have such insight and sensitivity to what he feels when you give him the 3rd degree - so yes, try to rethink those questions into positive ones that will make him look forward to coming home. Or just say, 'you look very handsome darling, have a great time & be sure to wake me up when you get home, 'cos I'll only be dozing and dreaming of you... - just something, anything, to make him feel good about coming back. No guilt, no suspicion. It will be hard to change the pattern of a lifetime, but just try it in little ways.

About the cuddles, he wouldn't cuddle you if he didn't fancy you - honest! But just as we sometimes feel too tired for sex, or preoccupied by work etc, so do they. I know what you mean about wanting the sex to reassure yourself, because I suspect there's something of that in me, too. With all my boyfriends, when the sex died it meant that there was something dying in the relationship - except in my marriage, where there was very little to start with - so when it died completely, I didn't panic because my ex obviously didn't have much of a drive, but I knew he wasn't planning to stray (I was the one who did because I couldn't talk to him about it and I couldn't live without it).

So you need the sex to reassure yourself - and maybe your h senses this also, and that's an added pressure on him to perform. But he IS still happy to cuddle, and obviously hopes that will reassure you. I really don't get the impression from what you've described of your relationship, that he wants to stray, or doesn't love or fancy you. But I do get the impression that he feels under enormous pressure to prove it, and he can't sustain that forever - so you do need to try to rethink your behaviour. Could you do this? Could you get some counselling to help? It would be worth it, for all your sakes.

Hello!

Wistera - I would LOVE for him to take me out once a week but it isn't practical. We only have one babysiter, which is the MIL, and she is very reluctant (is getting old and doesn't like going out of the house except for her weekly Sainsbury's shop. And to walk the dogs at 5am every morning!!?!?!?!?!).

Also she can only babysit once DS is in bed as she has a bad shoulder and back and can't pick him up off the floor/out of his cot (back and shoulder problems mainly due to her extreme size, which makes me ever more pissed off when she comments on mine, which she does and gives me diet tips (WTF), frequently).

Also no matter how cheap it is, it is too expensive for us most the time

Tanee - I actually would like to have counselling, but there is no way I can afford to go private, and can't go through NHS as they only do a set appointment each week and can't get time off work like that. Also the general rule is that you can only have 6 sessions through NHS and in my experience that wouldn't be enough for me (maybe being sectioned for 28 days may do the trick?)

Well how about finding a babysitter? Ask around at Mums and toddlers groups to see if anyone has an older daughter (or son) who would like to earn a little bit extra (my daughter would do it for a £5 like a shot!) and then only go out once a fortnight. One of our local pubs does 2 courses for £5.50 and I think those deals are pretty much national - if that's still too much for the budget, just a drink at the pub? Or make it once a month and do something nice.
There must be a way round it - he goes out you say so why can't he forgo (sp?) one of those for you both to do something?

I don't mean to sound at all harsh here but at the end of the day it's far more financially viable for him to fork out for a meal or night out once in a while than have to pay child maintenance. Your marriage needs saving and you are taking positive steps already by being on here and talking about it, not to mention going to the gym etc. There needs to be some give and take - yes you have a problem which you are trying to sort but if he wants things to work as much as you do then it needs to be a joint effort.

That sounded harsh didn't it? Sorry honey it's just so sad that you're trying and he's not (it seems).

Your MIL sounds like my bloody G'ma (who's always been 16+) and I quote " Well Emma, I wouldn't say you're exactly obese but you've piled it on a bit haven't you?" I am a size 12 incidentally so hardly obese....

I think they're just jealous that they've left it too late to do anything about it and we're still comparatively young.

I know what you are saying and your right, but I don't really ever get talking to anyone to ask if they know anyone who could babysit.

DP goes out about once a week. We go out together maybe once every two months or so.

I am always borrowing money from him to pay my bills, so how can I expect him to be able to afford to pay for us to go out too? (I owe so much money to so many people it really does scare me).

I hope I haven't made DP out to be horrible cause he really isn't.

No, you haven't made him out to be horrible at all. It's just that you're not going to get better on your own it seems so he needs to help you if he wants a happy home. You sound really today.

Do you go out to work Star? Just seems odd to me that you say you 'borrow' money from him if you are SAHM - but I guess we're all different.

I'm not a SAHM. Wish we could afford for me to be!

But I am the next best thing! I am a childminder! So I get to spend all my time with DS (and tow other toddlers) and be there for DD, but get to earn some money. Albeit a pitance at the moment due to unreliable clients and lack of business in the area, but have had a few enquiries so fingers crossed for me .

That's two (now tow) other toddlers!

I don't tow them along on the back of the car or anything (amusing image in head now though) .

It'd be a way of exercising them!

Ah you are a bit of both, SAHM and working mum - you must have oodles of patience, I'd be rubbish!
How are you feeling this morning and what were things like last night?

Star, I understand the financial pressures, but if he can afford to go out once a week, how come he can only afford to go out with you once every two months or so? I'm sorry, but there's an inequality there. It should be the other way around.

But you don't have to go out. Once the children are in bed (assuming you have the stamina ) - you could have a bit of time in, just sit down with a bottle of wine, light some candles, play some music, and TALK - that's what dp & I do, as our finances are pretty poor too, and it really does help.

even a walk in the park together?

Hello? How're things today honeybun?

Hello. Sorry not replied before Wist!

Been very busy with the babies all day and too knackered by night to come on here.

I am very stressed and very irritable today and I know that if I don't try my best, I will moan at DP all day (and I don't want to even if I do feel that a lot of it is warranted) as he is off today.

I feel totally taken for granted and under appreciated (if appreciated at all).

I NEED A BREAK!

Tried getting into doctors but to no avail! I HATE that doctors, they never have appointments!

Anyway, how are you today?

I'm not too bad, except my fat got fatter !

Resist the temptation, resist, resist!!! Take the babies to the park, or for a nice long power walk.....make him a coffee take it up, keep gob shut and give him a kiss on the cheek.

Why can't you get in at Dr's? Tell them it's an emergency or ask for a call back/ phone consultation from the Dr himself.
Is it the receptionist with Caligula syndrome (you know the one that thinks she can tell whether you are in need or not even though she's not got a medical degree)?

Hi psychobitch, I have just read your post and it could be me writing it.
I thought I was the only woman who was this insecure!!
Im always questioning dp, hate him going out, constantly check his phone.
What has he done to deserve this? Nothing.
I have previously had depression as well as low self esteem.
I have a appointment for doc's on wednesday as I can't go on like this anymore.
I totally related to when you say that you start off to be nice to him and you end up having a go, I do this all the time.
Im going to cause what I fear the most with my behaviour and thats tearing our family apart.
Get down to your GP's and demand to see someone asap.

Obvious namechange!

More common than you think!
My dp told me about his friends gf yesterday who has booked a flight home to see her parents on Saturday night at midnight from B'ham; he has to take her apparently even tho it's his 30th birthday and he'd planned a night out with the boys ages ago!
Now that is psycho as they haven't even had dcs yet. Apparently the stress of selling his house is all too much for her,

when my dh shard an office with a female i made sure i cooked his food in garlic every night!

Well have managed to bite my tongue and grin and bare it! Despite feeling very agitated. I have just focused on the kids and feel that today I am the worlds best childminder (but dear god nothing like Granny Murray off Me Too (Cbeebies for those with lives) as I fear that would make me top myself).

I have to call Dcotors at 2pm to see if there are any afternoon appointments free. Being negative and defeatest, I have to say that there is not likely to be an appointment, or if there is one, it will be at school pick up time so no good to me!!!!

Have to admit, checked DP's phone last night and was pissed off and in a mood cause he has asked his friend about going out on Sunday night. But I can't let him know I have the arse about it, cause then he will know that I have checked his phone!!!!!

AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Checked his phone a few weeks ago, and he had a text from a woman he used to work with saying 'Haha very funny' so I assume that he had sent her a joke I had sent him.

I HATE him still contacting her and he knows it, surprised that the text was there as he usually clears them (in case I check I guess?).

Although, the joke that I had sent him, that he sent to her, had come from a male friend I used to work with. Talk about double standards!!!!!

Psychobitch rides again!!!!!!

Hey you're not on your own - I've managed to not check his phone for a fortnight now. The worse thing is when you've checked it and then can't say something about what you've found...
I always end up blurting it out anyway, then he gives me the 'I'm really disappointed in you' look.
Definitely double standards though - sort it out!

Joking, I'm the same, we're just pathetically insecure - need to do something about it fast. Think I'm trying quite hard.

This is my first post here,I have just found this site today. I have been reading your thread and psycho, I just have to say to you, if you continue like this you are going to lose your man. You can not ask him questions before he goes out and when he comes home! That is shocking. The surest way to send your partner in to the arms of another is to be clingy and insecure. Try and think about how you would feel if he was like this with you. Wouldn't it feel suffocating and make you want out?