Would you enter into a relationship with a man who had no contact with his child?

[Japanesejazz]

Obviously in his words his ex has poisoned the child against him The child is in their late teens.

@furryfeets dh wouldn't agree to it.

No.

Apart from the fact he may be bullshitting, just that level of general drama would put me off.

No, never.

When a child is a teenager they are perfectly capable of pursuing a relationship with their father if they want to. If they choose not to then obviously the father is a rubbish father.

As a matter of fact I chose to stop seeing my own father when I was 12 as he was a crap dad. Of course he spun the poor little me story and made out that it was my mother who wouldn't let me see him (it was not) and now he has 4 other children with different women who he doesn't see. One of them was taken into care just to give an idea of what a bad father he actually was.

Depends on whether he actually wants contact or has walked away from his responsibility of his accord. I know a couple where the man left his wife and it has taken probably 3 or 4 years of repeated attempts to see his DD ( now 16). The ex wife remains angry & vitriolic about the split ( sends abusive text messages etc) and although he texts and phones his DD it was clear she felt disloyal to see him or fearful of her mums reaction. The mum of course continues with the “ I’ve never stopped my children seeing their father” line. His DS was older at the time of the split and has maintained contact throughout. Thankfully the DD has turned some kind of corner and they are gradually getting their relationship back on track.

Oh how quick you all are to judge

I didnt judge hence why I had a relationship with my ex who didnt see his son (she “stopped” him) now surprise surprise he doesnt see our children either. Why should someone take that risk?!

No! Been there done that. I started dating a guy who had a young son and found out that he had a son who he had no contact with. Because he had no contact - turned out later mum had moved to Ireland to escape him - he wouldn't pay child support and he was a serial drunk driver, had carved her car up with a knife and numerous other horrors. It's an extreme story but be very cautious.

Yes I would I know plenty of women that use the kids as a weapon and what he said could be very true. The teller for me is if he is paying maintenance

Oh how quick you all are to judge

Maybe, but you also need to consider whether you want to get involved with someone who has all that baggage.

Like PP's have said, even if the man is genuinely the victim, do you really want to commit yourself to someone with all that drama? A vindictive ex, children who could appear at any moment - why would you commit yourself to all of that when you don't need to?

I agree with @devilsavocado234

I never met my real father until I was 21! I have two half sisters that he is totally devoted to, but he never even came to meet me when he found out about me (after I was already born).

I don't think that makes him a bad partner or dad to his other kids.

Plus, I know plently of women who do turn their DC against their fathers out of spite, it is horrible but it happens. It may not be down to him at all!!

No definately not.

Depends on the context.... perhaps I would if he had been a teenager or something and things had fallen apart and he did not now know where the mother and child were... even so I'd have to see that he was actually a decent person whod tried to contact his child at least... but I'd have some measure of understanding if that had happened when he was almost a child himself...

In any other circumstances, no I wouldn't. Men who talk about crazy exes are usually the shitty ones so I'd steer well clear.... and men who have been prevented from seeing their children by a court it goes without even saying that I'd steer well clear of them too

No, I couldn't.

I've been that child and in my experience, my dad could have tried a lot harder to retain contact with me (and my siblings). I've been in contact with him as an adult, but always at my instigation. In turn it has damaged our relationship as he seems to not put in any effort. He went on to have another family which he dotes on and it hurts very much. I am in touch with my half-sister and keep it to that.

Also, another of my mother's doings...my step-father has 4 children and after year or so of getting together with my mother, they decided to move to the other side of the country. When they initially got together, he was truly a very good dad to all 4 children and would have them every weekend. Then my mother did her work on him and talked him into moving to pursue their dream of owning a shop by the seaside. Nice for them! They moved away leaving his 4 children with no idea what was going on....the youngest was only 6 years old at the time.

Even if a man has no contact with his children because of the ex wife, I'd like to know what he has done to challenge this. Does he write birthday cards and buy presents each year to send to them, regardless? Does he write letters to save until later, if reconciled, so the children can see that their dad really did love them whilst the no contact went on. I think if their dad has done their utmost to get the point across that he loves them and is waiting, for whatever amount of time, then fine....but many men use the ex wife poisoning the kids against them as a cop out.

No. I think there are some people who are unfairly kept out of their children’s lives but I’d say most don’t love their children as they should. My ex pays the bare minimum (to the penny) he has to via CMS and takes them one night a week. He has repeatedly refused to take them in the past, sticks them in front of the tv the whole time they’re with him and feeds them nothing but takeaways and sweets. He makes out to others that I’m stopping him seeing them on the occasions he’d rather be at the pub etc. I would find it difficult to trust the word of a man who blamed his ex for not seeing his kids because I know it’s more likely he just doesn’t want the responsibility of looking after them himself. X

Nope. It's appalling
I say that as the child of a man who stopped contact when I was young.

He is the perfect 2.4 child family with the 4 bed house, holidays etc etc with second go family. Meanwhile we grew up in poverty. It's shameful.

He deserves so little respect. How do you abandon your children and give up? I never could.

No

No, if the child is 14 they will know right from wrong and if indeed the mum has tried to poison their minds, they will be able to suss it out for themselves by now.
I find most mums try hard to keep contact for the sake of the dc.
Something wrong with a man who doesn't see his kids.

I agree after any intial issues or bitterness most women will want their children to have contact with their DF. If the DF has not gone to court it could be because he can’t be arsed or does not want to be confronted with an such as gambling, alcoholism, drug addiction, use of prostitutes, DV / EA which caused the marriage to fail in the first place.

I wonder how many men would be happy to date a woman who didn't have contact with her DC

I think this is why motherhood has made me more of a feminist...

Wow, wasn’t expecting so many responses.

I would certainly hesitate.

My DCs are NC with their dad by choice right now. He's abusive, and any rare communication from him is still full of me, me, me, how could you do this to me, sort of shit. He doesn't pay maintenance on the grounds that he doesn't see them so why should he pay?

And this kind of person is more common, I think, than those people actively trying to find a way to a relationship with their DCs, eg court, etc.

So I'd hesitate, find out the real reasons (I wouldn't just accept his word) and decide from their. If the real reason turns out to be because either he or the DCs don't want to be in contact, then I wouldn't date the bloke.

We could all avoid so much bs if you could approach previous partners for a reference.

No

Nope.

It wouldn’t depend on circumstances for me, just a big fat no. I simply don’t have reapect for people who have children then don’t bother to be part of their life.

No I wouldn’t.

It has always baffled me that his current wife had accepted him not seeing his own children and was happy to bring him into her life with her children. For me it would be HUGE red flag.

What kind of man turns his back on his own children and doesn’t fight for contact?

My ex was (is?) an abusive alcoholic and my children have been better off without him. He has never contributed a penny to their upbringing, hasn’t worked or claimed benefits so the CSA/CMS have been unable to help.

He has seen the children about twice in 10 years. I wish I’d said no to the visits as it stirred up a lot of emotion and upset, particularly for my son who has no memories of his dad. But I had thought I was doing the right thing in facilitating a relationship and hoped that seeing how amazing they are would have prompted him to resume a relationship with his children.

Sadly I think his motivation was to check my living and financial situation as he then filed for divorce and wanted a claim on the house I’d sold to pay off debts he left me with and on my pension :(

I could absolutely not trust a man who wasn’t involved in his children’s lives.