Would you enter into a relationship with a man who had no contact with his child?

[Japanesejazz]

Obviously in his words his ex has poisoned the child against him The child is in their late teens.

Yes. My brother is one of the most lovely, generous and steady tempered human beings I know. He has no contact with his daughter, and neither do her extended paternal family. He is heartbroken and will never give up hope, and I would hate to think people who are ignorant of the truth would judge him for his loss.

Nope

My ex would tell you the same story, it's utter bollocks. He's a perpetual victim and nothing his ever his fault. This was his choice, he still blamed me. Even as he, yet again, rejects our now adult son he still blames me. Ds requested contact and was told no.

There will be a minority of men who have genuinely been victims of parental alienation but for the most part it's just easier for them to start again. They only seem like good dads second time around because they're still with that partner.

Never.

I'd take it on a case by case basis. I had a child with someone who had no contact with his prior child. He kept in touch with mine and paid maintenance (adult now). He wasn't fabulous but certainly a solid and reliable EOW dad. We had both had messy divorces and custody before and apart from some frostiness around the time of the split we were pleasant to each other and flexible. His ex before me really was a mind twister, i met her and knew people who knew her and she was odd.

No.

Either he's a shit person / liar / unreliable etc and chooses not to see the. Or like PP brother its genuine but ocmes with so much drama. Is expect him to be doing everything to get back ib their lives so that pretty much means e ery spare penny going legal help, potentially months or years of agro from the mother if he stattee to see her et.

Big red flag. No way.

Never.
Not if he wasn’t taking the matter to court and pursuing it with all his energy. But if a man were doing that then I’m not sure they’d be in a good place for a new relationship. So, still no.

Just because he wasn't ready to be a dad at one time doesnt mean he won't be ready another time. My mum wasn't the easiest during their divorce and I'm sure she contributed to a few negative opinions I have of him, but I would never want a woman to hesitate to date him because of that.

with the greatest of respect to you devilsavocado, I would utterly hesitate. I expect more of a man than that. Glad your dad was able to fine a woman to date him - I suppose. But he wouldn't meet my standards for a man.

That said, he's a man with fairly shallow emotions overall I'd say. He was a really excellent stepfather to my older child, better than he was latterly a father to our child together. I've thought about why he was better as a sf than a father and i think it was the lack of ultimate responsibility for a dsc rather than a dc. By the time we split up i knew EOW rather than 50/50 was his skill set.

I would be on my guard and first instinct would be to say no. But, if DC is an older teen it’s not completely beyond the realms of possibility that they’ve been heavily influenced by their DM and just don’t want to see him.

If they were younger children and he wasn’t going through the court to secure access it would be a dealbreaker, older teen slightly different I think.

Does he pay maintenance?

I would have a relationship but wouldn't have children with him so it depends what life stage you are at.

No chance.

Too much drama and baggage.

Not to mention possibility of him whinging on and on about his ex & situation whilst not actually getting up to try to resolve anything.

But whatever the case was it'd still be no as his focus should be on striving for contact with his child

Firstly I wouldn't take his word for why he doesn't have contact.

It always seems that they blame the DCs' mother and sometimes even the DCs themselves, doesn't it?

Even if the DCs have actually been 'turned against' or stopped from seeing the father, I would want to know why, because it seems likely to me that it could be for good reason. I would question whether there had been domestic abuse, drug or alcohol abuse, letting the DCs down a lot, or something similar.

I know there are cases of - to use the new chestnut of the moment - parental alienation, but I think it's rare.

Maintenance not being paid reliably and at a fair rate, whether there was contact or not, would also be a definite no-no to me. Often you see men paying nothing, or the minimum, having a good standard of living with a second or even third family or as a born again bachelor, and leaving their exW and DCs to struggle.

I also would not want to be with a man who speaks with bitterness or hatred about the mother (or mothers!) of his children.

So no, if I was in a situation where I was looking to date or start a new relationship, I definitely wouldn't be interested in that sort of man. That's the sort of man I look down on and couldn't trust.

Most definitely not.

devilsavocado, Just because he wasn't ready to be a dad at one time doesn't mean he won't be ready another time.

But you cant put a stopclock on your childhood whilst he decides when to choose to step up to his responsibilities.

Nope.

But many women do. XH has never seen his son or shown any interest, but has no problem finding new girlfriends. I can't imagine fancying someone who I found so morally bankrupt as to not fight to know their child.

Depends on circumstances. How old is child? Has he gone to court?

I would be extremely sceptical and I would want to also hear the same story from someone neutral.

Nope. My stepfather has no contact with his 2 children from his first marriage and they are the lucky ones. His ex has shielded her children from life with an abusive alcoholic fuckwit - my mum was a blind fool and is paying for it now.

No way. Men and women who abandon their children have something wrong with them.

I would be very wary. Most men who don't see their kids tend to be wasters who have abandoned them. However, there are odd cases, and I know one where his wife upped and went to the opposite end of the country and made it impossible for him to see them. Never made an argument in court hearings he wasn't fit to see them etc...just simply ignored court orders and happened to be out after he drove 200 miles to see them for a day!!!

I wished the judge had slung her in prison which would have sent a message but they just won't!

Theres no way I could love or respect a man who did not care for their child no matter how difficult the mother or circumstances are - it should be a core value in a human being! I know a lovely young man who has no contact with father as he has a new family and another son, as it painful to see the hurt and the rejection he has suffered.
Would you abandon your child?

I wouldn't, but only if I'd found out the real reason was his fault .

Being an impartial referee here; some men are punished by their exs' using their kids as an ammunition knowing how much the men love their kids which I've witnessed first hand.

On the hand, some men are completely irresponsible and full of seriously smelly shit hence the no contact by their exs' of which I've also witnessed.

I think you should make your own findings as you're the person in the real situation, and then decide whether or not you want to proceed with the relationship.

I would say no. Ex doesn't see ds by his absolute choice but every now & again we have to have contact by txt and the last 2x he has said I know you don't want me seeing ds. It is absolute nonsense. He just stopped coming when ds was tiny and has never bothered even to ask how he is. When I politely set him straight & said he could see him whenever he wanted but he had to be consistent & not let him down he said - literally - he was too busy at work, didn't really have time to see his mates anymore due to work so wouldn't have time to see ds consistently. And I then breathed a sigh of relief as he is so utterly unreliable and it is really hard to deal with even as an adult.

Also just because he doesn't see dc now doesn't mean he won't in the future. My dm married df - he had a ds he hardly saw. A year later the dm died and my dm inherited a dss she hardly knew and that was that. Df was bugger all help as far as I can work out. I don't imagine those years (60's) were a happy time for anyone - dm or my db (I arrived when he was much older). I don't think it had that much impact on df who carried on going out etc and left dm & db at home.

I had a bf with dc's for a while. The sm role can be pretty rubbish too ime.

I'd look somewhere else op xx

Yes. I married him.

He is the best step father dd could have had. He is an amazing father to our ds.

The circumstances that led to him not seeing his first 2 dcs were sad, full of hatred and bitterness and were fully instigated by his ex as far as I know. Their divorce, the maintance dh paid, the house he lost when made redundant and in negative equity, the dcs he couldn't see when his ex remarried very nearly drove my dh to suicide.

He was desperate to see his dcs. His ex remarried and wanted her new husband to adopt the dcs, it was like they wanted to erase dh and start again. I knew dh at the time it was happening, and my friend was in a relationship with dhs best friend. So heard bits that were going off. So although only dh and his ex wife actually knew 100% what was going off and we only ever heard dhs story I am pretty sure that his ex wife knew what she was doing and did it deliberately.

He has never got over it. Not properly. His biggest fear is that he won't be able to work and support us, and that I will leave him and he won't see the dcs. He particularly worries about dd as she isn't biologically his.

There are feckless useless fathers who walk away from the dcs. There are manipulative spiteful women who make it impossible for fathers to see their dcs.

It's not always the men who are to blame. And I say that having never met my real dad who was fucked off when I was a baby. And whose dd chose to stop seeing her own dad 3 years ago. Because he is a cunt.