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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you make of this text from DP? Am I the insane one?

143 replies

CaptainDamaged · 31/01/2019 12:04

Hi there,

Sorry going to try and make this as short as possible without dripfeeding.

I got with DP after a really traumatic time in my life. I’d just broken up with my abusive ex fiancé 3 weeks before our wedding after I caught him cheating on me. I was very damaged when all this went down, and still am to a certain extent.

So DP kind of forced me into the relationship not too long after exF and I broke up. When I say forced.. I mean he wouldn’t take no for an answer and eventually I caved and agreed to give us a go. About a 6 weeks into us dating I discovered I was pregnant which obviously forced us to speed things up a lot. We toyed with the idea of an abortion however my exF caused me to have a miscarriage a few months prior which left me absolutely destroyed, honestly I don’t think I’ll ever go back to the person I was prior to the miscarriage and that makes me so sad.

Sorry this is getting super long, promise I’m getting to the point.

Anyway, we proceeded with the pregnancy, got a house together and planned everything out. He was very sweet to me for the most part, though did show a few similarities with my exF though that could be me being paranoid.

I gave birth to DD 6 months ago and I’m absolutely smitten with her. I adore being a mum and really am happy despite everything that has gone on.

Relationship with DP has been tough at times. He doesn’t help with DD whatsoever and is very messy but he travels for work (has currently been gone for 4 weeks) so it’s ok, me and DD have a lovely routine.

Last night we had a heated discussion about money. He earns very good money, like can be anywhere between 150k and 200k a year but he has a lot of debt and unpaid tax and loves to spend money on stupid stuff. he does support me and DD l, pays all rent and has recently taken over all the bills as I was struggling with my small mat allowance. He loves to throw money in my face and use the fact I don’t contribute financially against me, despite the fact I look after the house, the dog, and DD single handled with no help from family.

I ended up falling asleep in the midst of the argument and replied to him this morning before I jumped in the shower. When I came out I had 14 missed calls and a message that said:

When people ask what happens to me, I hope you will be honest.

And his phone was off.

I panicked and called his mum, also called his international office to find out the name of his hotel and see if I could get through to him there as I feared the worst. He called me about 20 minutes after and had a go at me, saying he meant he was going to have a mental breakdown because of me, I’m a crazy person, everything is my fault, I don’t understand the stress he’s under etc etc.

This is after he made me think he had killed himself when I have a 6 month old to look after. He always does this, spins it around on me like I’m the worst person in the world.

Is it me? Am I crazy? I hate my life with him in it. I wish I could afford me and dd to be alone.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2019 12:08

You're not crazy but you are in another abusive relationship. Sorry. You need to leave. Whatever he does or doesn't do is up to him. You can manage alone, you sound like a great mum

milkjetmum · 31/01/2019 12:08

Time to move on I think. Make plans while he is away.

Thehop · 31/01/2019 12:09

You CAN manage alone

The wanker knew what he was making you think

Are you in the UK?

Original poster
CaptainDamaged · 31/01/2019 12:12

I am in the UK. It’s so hard to know if it’s actually him being abusive or if it’s me being crazy paranoid because of my ex. God it hurts. I would never ever regret dd but wish it was just us all the time.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2019 12:13

He was taking advantage of you right from the start.

OpalIridescence · 31/01/2019 12:14

No not crazy. But yes, the victim of abuse again.

Can you get out? What is your financial situation?

Dvg · 31/01/2019 12:14

Sorry but he is also abusive, just most likely in a different way :S .. he knew what his text sounded like but he wanted to make you worry so you would think you couldn't be without him.. it's a lie.

AnyFucker · 31/01/2019 12:16

Yes. You have stepped from one abusive relationship to another, except this one has the added complication of a shared child.

My advice would be to dump this abusive man also. Make sure you get all the child support you are owed.

Do not start any more relationships at least until you have completed the Freedom Programme. You don't need a man especially the types you keep choosing.

FinallyHere · 31/01/2019 12:16

The whole rushing you into a relationship and not taking no for an answer. Sorry OP

Have a look at the freedom programme

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

to get yourself better informed.

OpalIridescence · 31/01/2019 12:16

It's a terrible realisation, I'm so sorry.

The positive is that you know you can take care of DD on your own, you actually prefer it.

There is financial help out there and you can be happier and safer.

I do not mean this in a patronising way at all (I have done it myself) but you would benefit from the freedom programme.

HollowTalk · 31/01/2019 12:18

What's your relationship like with your parents? Could you go to them now on a temporary basis while you get yourself sorted out?

He's really awful. Just wondering, was he using condoms when you got pregnant?

bethy15 · 31/01/2019 12:20

He's been abusive to you from day one. It's not romantic to not take no for an answer, but you said it yourself, he forced you into it as he wouldn't leave you alone and wore you down.

You're in another abusive relationship, you know it though, as you said he has similarities with your ex.

You are coping all alone anyway, he's not there and is no support of you and DD and doesn't help.

You should break away from him. Ask for help, benefits etc, call women's aid and tell them everything, from your ex and how this man came into your life. Ask what help is available at CAB.

Original poster
CaptainDamaged · 31/01/2019 12:24

We were using condoms but one night it happened so quick that I just told him not to come inside.. but he did. I took the morning after pill about 8 hours later but it obviously failed. Not blaming him for that at all as I know it’s my fault for letting him start off that way.

I’m going to read into the freedrom program now, thank you all so much for your replies it really means a lot.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 31/01/2019 12:27

Sorry OP to hear that you’re being treated so poorly by your dp.

Has he forgotten that he’s a father and has amongst others, financial responsibilities now? What an appalling attitude he has.

Run for the hills. You can do better.

MoominAnna · 31/01/2019 12:37

You aren't paranoid. You're in an abusive relationship. It sounds like he coerced you into a relationship when you were very low. Did you ever have strong feelings for him?

You can leave him and manage. Yes it might be tough at times but you will be much happier. Just reading this I anticipate he will try to make life very hard for you but at least if you understand that in advance you can protect yourself a bit.

nowheretorunorhide · 31/01/2019 12:37

I think you are better off getting out now, whilst you can. I am also in this predicament, but my two children are from my previous relationship. It's hard trying to get out. Good luck x

Quartz2208 · 31/01/2019 12:42

Get out everything from start has been about overriding your thoughts and feelings

It is highly abusive

sillysmiles · 31/01/2019 12:43

Start preparing now. Speak to an advocacy group or solicitor about your rights and entitlements. Don't say anything to him until you have all your ducks in a row.
Then get out of the relationship and stay safe. You've got this!

GB54 · 31/01/2019 12:45

He forced you into the relationship. That tells you all you need to know. I would make plans to leave.

aethelgifu · 31/01/2019 12:47

What AnyFucker said. Do NOT give up work, either, that's the worst thing you can do. This man is abusive.

Smellyrose · 31/01/2019 12:48

Have you got somewhere you can go? If so move out now while he’s away.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 31/01/2019 12:48

The pregnancy isn't your fault - he is the one who didn't listen, so don't take 100% of the blame.

It's not unhead of for abusive men to get their partner pregnant, and therefore more dependent, as quickly as possible.

Good luck with changing your life. There are non-abusive men out there.

Lovemusic33 · 31/01/2019 12:51

My ex did this too me and my dd’s we’re out at risk whilst I panicked to find him, he was perfectly fine when the emergency services broke down his door at his work place expecting to find him hanging. After this happening several times her turned into a really controlling partner and started to make out I was crazy, he then pulled the suicide card again and whilst he was gone I removed every trace of him from my house and called the police (to report him missing), he told me he had taken pills but we had been here many times before and this time I really couldn’t care less.

OP, you are bringing your dd up alone, all he does is contribute with money, you know you can manage without him and you would be happier without him.

StealthPolarBear · 31/01/2019 12:54

"I just told him not to come inside.. but he did."
NOT your fault.

Original poster
CaptainDamaged · 31/01/2019 12:56

One thing I’m really worried about that would love some of you to shed some light on.

I suffer from c

OP posts: