What would you make of this text from DP? Am I the insane one?

[CaptainDamaged]

Hi there,

Sorry going to try and make this as short as possible without dripfeeding.

I got with DP after a really traumatic time in my life. I’d just broken up with my abusive ex fiancé 3 weeks before our wedding after I caught him cheating on me. I was very damaged when all this went down, and still am to a certain extent.

So DP kind of forced me into the relationship not too long after exF and I broke up. When I say forced.. I mean he wouldn’t take no for an answer and eventually I caved and agreed to give us a go. About a 6 weeks into us dating I discovered I was pregnant which obviously forced us to speed things up a lot. We toyed with the idea of an abortion however my exF caused me to have a miscarriage a few months prior which left me absolutely destroyed, honestly I don’t think I’ll ever go back to the person I was prior to the miscarriage and that makes me so sad.

Sorry this is getting super long, promise I’m getting to the point.

Anyway, we proceeded with the pregnancy, got a house together and planned everything out. He was very sweet to me for the most part, though did show a few similarities with my exF though that could be me being paranoid.

I gave birth to DD 6 months ago and I’m absolutely smitten with her. I adore being a mum and really am happy despite everything that has gone on.

Relationship with DP has been tough at times. He doesn’t help with DD whatsoever and is very messy but he travels for work (has currently been gone for 4 weeks) so it’s ok, me and DD have a lovely routine.

Last night we had a heated discussion about money. He earns very good money, like can be anywhere between 150k and 200k a year but he has a lot of debt and unpaid tax and loves to spend money on stupid stuff. he does support me and DD l, pays all rent and has recently taken over all the bills as I was struggling with my small mat allowance. He loves to throw money in my face and use the fact I don’t contribute financially against me, despite the fact I look after the house, the dog, and DD single handled with no help from family.

I ended up falling asleep in the midst of the argument and replied to him this morning before I jumped in the shower. When I came out I had 14 missed calls and a message that said:

When people ask what happens to me, I hope you will be honest.

And his phone was off.

I panicked and called his mum, also called his international office to find out the name of his hotel and see if I could get through to him there as I feared the worst. He called me about 20 minutes after and had a go at me, saying he meant he was going to have a mental breakdown because of me, I’m a crazy person, everything is my fault, I don’t understand the stress he’s under etc etc.

This is after he made me think he had killed himself when I have a 6 month old to look after. He always does this, spins it around on me like I’m the worst person in the world.

Is it me? Am I crazy? I hate my life with him in it. I wish I could afford me and dd to be alone.

DD hit the post button 😂

I suffer from intrusive though OCD mainly relating to sexual abuse I suffered as a child. When DD was first born I had a bit of a breakdown with worrying that I too would sexually abuse her. Really hard to explain this without sounding weird, but I’ve never ever been sexually attracted to a child but I had the fear that I suddenly would, like abused = abuser, so for the first week or two I wouldn’t allow myself to change her alone for fear of me doing something to her. Does that make sense? So sorry I know that sounds really weird. My fear is that he would use this illness against me to paint me out to be a mental case who’s incapable of looking after dd. I’ve also got ptsd that I’m worried about him using.

Just to be clear the doctors are aware of both illnesses and I’m fully medicated for them and stable, I haven’t had any problems with OCD since those first few weeks besides the fear of death (which I heard is really common for new mums anyway 😬)

He has st one point used them against me ina fight. Kept saying “your depression is out of control, you’re completely unstable” even though I was fine. I kept saying “no I feel fine, I’m coping fine” and he would just keep repeating “no you’re out of co from, you need help, you are unstable” and it felt like he was trying to get in my head.

He has never bathed dd, never fed her (she was breastfed only up until starting solids 2 weeks ago so not his fault really), never rocked her to sleep, read her a story, etc so i don’t really trust him to look after her one on one because he doesn’t actually know how to, if you know what I mean? I think he would actually take her from me which scares me. I love her so much.

I don’t really have anywhere else to go, my mums house is overcrowded as it is and I do t speak to my dad. I didn’t give up my job but I’m a freelancer so can go back to work anytime but hours are very long. Good money though so if I went back full time I would’ve able to get by I think.

Can you talk to your health visitor. You need to get away! Him using your previous mh issues against you is again part of his abuse.

Your DD is very advanced and has good judgement, posting on mn at four months :o

@LadyandGent then your mind is wrong in this.

She will not being taken away from you, please don't worry about that. He is saying anything and everything to make you believe that you can't leave him, but you really can! And should. He sounds awful, please don't think that because he's not as bad as your ex you have no reason to leave

ladyandgent shame on you

It's just what men do. They don't do childcare generally. They just don't. I've met an odd one who does, but they come across to me as such a wet fish that I end up being attracted to the typical man.
MN will convince you that their husbands are all dreams until you get the several thousand posts per year about how I never thought my DH would cheat but he has
I think we expect too much of men. We expect them to live up to our standard of what a woman would do, but they're not women, they're men.

Oh bollocks

@LadyandGent are you the OP's abusive P by any chance? What a fucking horrendous comment to make you need to take a good hard look at yourself and back away from the keyboard. There is actually a person on the other end of your comments that is obviously stressed and needs empathy and help not to be kicked by some random who is certainly no Lady or Gent.

@CaptainDamaged, ignore LadyandGent they must have nothing better to do than make themselves feel like a big person by tearing other people down.
I agree with PP's, your P is abusive and you need to get out of this relationship. Speak to Women's Aid and a lawyer. You will probably find that you will get more financial assistance from your partner via maintenance payments than he will ever give you while you are in a relationship with him. You sound like a great mum, good luck

Yeah, ignore LadyandGent, what a load of old bollocks.
Sounds like you would benefit from the Freedom programme.
You keep blaming yourself but honestly he sounds AWFUL (much worse than most, honestly!).
You deserve so much better

Ladyandgent, what on earth are you talking about? It's not just that she has to do it all alone, her partner is emotionally abusing her, gaslighting her into believing she's not well enough to look after her own daughter and convincing her she's mental when she disagrees.

I won't even go into your 'expecting too much of men' because it's ridiculous, but please, read the rest, and if you don't have any real help for this twice abused woman, then leave her be.

OP don't listen to that, but please do call women's aid. You have the advantage of him not being there,so you can call whenever you want then.

@ladyandgent

Some guy really did a number on you didn't he?

You need to let go of the anger and sadness, you really do.

All abusive men threaten both suicide and to take the children. But he works away a lot. He won't want to give that up to look after a baby. His threats are groundless. As for the suicide threat, tell him that next time you won't call his family or the hotel. You'll call the police.
Sending you strength to leave this abusive arse

Ladyand gent. Stop being an arse.

@WinnieFosterTether

All abusive -men- people threaten both suicide and to take the children

op you are a good mum, he is abusive and manipulating your anxieties to make you doubt yourself and your own capabilities.

DON'T LET HIM. you have to leave and get a place with just you and DD and stay away from men for a long time.....focus on getting away anyhow you can, don't watse time trying to fix this or him .

Can someone loan you a flat deposit and one month up front, then you could work FT......

Can you raise enough money to do this anyway at all?

LadyandGent - Are you for real?! My OH does the majority of the childcare. He gets up in the night, and he looks after our DC two days a week. He is definitely not a 'wet fish'! In fact, I would say the majority of my friends OH's do more childcare than them!

You obviously have a very low opinion of men, which is really sad.

Not sure if you're purposely trolling to get a reaction, but if so well done you succeeded!

So he says you are not in control, but is happy to leave his daughter in your care for month at a time? He is gas lighting you, trying to erode your confidence.

Then sends you a message with the clear implication that he is going to kill himself, after you missed 14 calls, you realise he did that because your attention was not solely on him don't you? He sent that message to get your attention and when you reacted appropriately, he said you were mad.

Please contact woman's aid for advice.

It's just what men do. They don't do childcare generally. They just don't. I've met an odd one who does, but they come across to me as such a wet fish that I end up being attracted to the typical man.

Never read such a load of bollocks in my life.

Sounds like he is having an affair, and his behaviour is guilt making you think you're the crazy one!

Well don't worry about your illnesses. What would be looked at is whether you had insight into them and were engaging with services to manage them according to your GPS advice.

Tick

And

Tick.

Everyone is on tablets, y'know? it's no big deal.

I mean he can say you're crazy till he's blue in the face but your GP,s letter would say "No recent exacerbations, appears well controlled by current treatment" . So he can fuck off with that threat frankly.

You can do this onyour own. You already are.

I imagine if you get away from his destructive influence you (and by turn your daughter) will absolutely blossom. Your mental health will improve

He is dragging you down. He may threaten to take her away from you if you end it but no court in the land would remove a child from it's mother in these circumstances

Leave. It's hard. It will be hard for a long time. But you can do it; you can raise a child as a single mum and you will be better for it. But you just need to leave.

And do not get into another relationship until you've had some therapy to deal with your self esteem.