What would you make of this text from DP? Am I the insane one?

[CaptainDamaged]

Hi there,

Sorry going to try and make this as short as possible without dripfeeding.

I got with DP after a really traumatic time in my life. I’d just broken up with my abusive ex fiancé 3 weeks before our wedding after I caught him cheating on me. I was very damaged when all this went down, and still am to a certain extent.

So DP kind of forced me into the relationship not too long after exF and I broke up. When I say forced.. I mean he wouldn’t take no for an answer and eventually I caved and agreed to give us a go. About a 6 weeks into us dating I discovered I was pregnant which obviously forced us to speed things up a lot. We toyed with the idea of an abortion however my exF caused me to have a miscarriage a few months prior which left me absolutely destroyed, honestly I don’t think I’ll ever go back to the person I was prior to the miscarriage and that makes me so sad.

Sorry this is getting super long, promise I’m getting to the point.

Anyway, we proceeded with the pregnancy, got a house together and planned everything out. He was very sweet to me for the most part, though did show a few similarities with my exF though that could be me being paranoid.

I gave birth to DD 6 months ago and I’m absolutely smitten with her. I adore being a mum and really am happy despite everything that has gone on.

Relationship with DP has been tough at times. He doesn’t help with DD whatsoever and is very messy but he travels for work (has currently been gone for 4 weeks) so it’s ok, me and DD have a lovely routine.

Last night we had a heated discussion about money. He earns very good money, like can be anywhere between 150k and 200k a year but he has a lot of debt and unpaid tax and loves to spend money on stupid stuff. he does support me and DD l, pays all rent and has recently taken over all the bills as I was struggling with my small mat allowance. He loves to throw money in my face and use the fact I don’t contribute financially against me, despite the fact I look after the house, the dog, and DD single handled with no help from family.

I ended up falling asleep in the midst of the argument and replied to him this morning before I jumped in the shower. When I came out I had 14 missed calls and a message that said:

When people ask what happens to me, I hope you will be honest.

And his phone was off.

I panicked and called his mum, also called his international office to find out the name of his hotel and see if I could get through to him there as I feared the worst. He called me about 20 minutes after and had a go at me, saying he meant he was going to have a mental breakdown because of me, I’m a crazy person, everything is my fault, I don’t understand the stress he’s under etc etc.

This is after he made me think he had killed himself when I have a 6 month old to look after. He always does this, spins it around on me like I’m the worst person in the world.

Is it me? Am I crazy? I hate my life with him in it. I wish I could afford me and dd to be alone.

You need to leave him OP. You are being emotionally abused.

Regarding the rent, if he's earning that much money, I can't understand why he/both of you didn't just buy a house. Maybe he didn't do this as he doesn't see your relationship as long term. The fact that you're not sharing finances also seems like he doesn't think your relationship is permanent.

OP you poor thing. I have had experience here, and I know what it's like to be told so many times that I can't survive on my own that I believed it, truly I did. But here I am. I did survive and I'm so much better for it. I don't take tablets anymore and DCs have done brilliantly. Yes there were dark days, it's not easy, but to be rid of him is worth everything.

Good luck OP

Well one bonus, you should get decent child maintenance. He is a Thoroughly Nasty entitled piece of shit. Make plans now to get rid

Ladyandgent I pity you and your such low standards you have of men.

Well, if you're as 'crazy' as he says, what's he doing leaving his DD with you for a month at a time?

He's gaslighting you. And I bet he didn't just leave a condom off once either.

Start doing the freedom programme online while he's away, and start making plans to leave. Continue to engage with your GP and HV, take the meds, don't ever be defensive about your OCD to a HCP - it's an illness, you're managing it, you appreciate their help to manage it. This will stand you in good stead if it ever goes to court, but I bet it won't.

Your getting some good advice on the thread so I won't add loads buts I wanted to speak to specifically about your worries after you had your little one about being scared you will repeat the abusive behaviour that happened to you.

I wanted to let you know that that is very common and completely normal for lots and lots of people who have been abused to be scared that they will repeat that pattern. it absolutely does not mean your are actually going to do it it is a trauma response (partly due to the common untrue myth of abused become abusers) it usually happens in exactly the type of scenario you were in. Or when a person feels vulnerable especially when around children.

The pressure you felt to protect the baby but with a skewed view of that due to your experiences gets twisted and becomes almost the monster in the corner but as you found yourself once your brain becomes more familiar to your new situation the monster begins to fade.

As for his threats (he is abusive) professionals deal with people in exactly your situation (mh problems due to a history of trauma) all the time! They know very well how to separate someone who is a danger to others and someone who has issues that they are honest about and are proving they are working on them.
You are very firmly in the second camp. You have sought help, you are medicated etc I don't believe any professional involved in child welfare or custody would ever see an issue with you as a parent.

Can I just tell you. You are worth so much more than this. You deserve a nice life with nice people in it. He is not a nice man, he doesn't deserve to be in your life.

captaindamaged sorry that was long

You have moved from one abusive relationship to another. I am so sorry OP. Take your daughter and run for the hills (and make sure he pays maintenance)

Please leave. He's abusing you and he'll probably end up abusing your daughter too.

Please also look at what Gaslighting is. This is a clear case of it.

Could you get advice from Women's Aid

We were using condoms but one night it happened so quick that I just told him not to come inside.. but he did. I took the morning after pill about 8 hours later but it obviously failed. Not blaming him for that at all as I know it’s my fault for letting him start off that way.

No it isn't your fault. You told him not to do it and he chose to ignore you for his own gratification. There is no way that was your fault.

You really do need to look at the Freedom Programme.

He is another abuser; you really do need the Freedom programme.

You are NOT crazy, you ARE coping, dd is doing very well in your care. If he were genuinely worried about her he would rearrange work so that he wasn't leaving her alone with you for long periods or he'd get a live-in nanny or something. He's actually not bothered.

You will be fine on your own, you know that because you already are.

Ginky that was a lovely post

Lots of wise words here and Ginky is absolutely on the money re MH. I treat people with OCD and you should know OP that intrusive thoughts about harming your baby in some way are INCREDIBLY common. If they took babies away on the strength of that there would be an awful out of babies whisked away, including my own. Common MH complaints and even quite serious ones do not result in mothers having their babies removed. Even less so when a person is in treatment, monitored and doing well as you clearly are. So please put that concern to bed.

I’m very sorry you find yourself in another abusive relationship. He is a manipulating, gaslighting horror and I wish you well in extricating yourself. As others have said, please look at the Freedom Programme and seek support from Women’s Aid, your GP and your HV. None of them will want you separated from your baby but they’ll will probably be keen to get you away from him.

I think you'll find your MH problems will improve greatly without this man in your life.

I have DX OCD too and it's quite severe. My ex toward the end of our relationship and since has threatened and once actually tried to use it against me - he was not only unsuccessful the judge admonished him AND his lawyer for "perpetuating the stigma towards the mentally ill especially mothers and using a health condition in an attempt to discredit a perfectly capable and sensible parent"

So PLEASE don't worry about that. The courts/judges see this ALL the time and see right through it!

Hes gas lighting you. He ignited the fear then acted dumb founded and made you feel crazy for reacting. He would not be able to even have a career if you didn't take on all tg childcare, you contribute massively saving him money in childcare.

@Graphista I'm so glad the judge said that. Poor you having to put up with that. and

Thanks. I'm long rid now. Not a good time.

I agree with most people on the thread - you're in another abusive relationship and you need to take steps to leave as soon as possible.

Is it logistically possible to leave before he gets back from this particular trip?

And, no, it is absolutely and most definitely not you. You come across as a loving mum stuck in a horrible situation with an abusive twat.

Men who "force" someone, even verbally consistently, to date them despite the woman saying no repeatedly for whatever reason will always see their side with x1000 importance and show no regard for your feelings/opinions and it is an example of that (but seems nice and endearing to some women but applying their mindset it in a later argument, it's a much more problematic situation).

And now he's done that once, you know that if he tries it again, he has no intention of doing ANYTHING, so you can leave the phone switched off and not call anybody.

Of course, there is also the little point that you are having treatment for your illness, whereas he is plainly (if he were actually telling the truth, rather than lying to terrify you, that is) in no position physically, from his job, and in no position mentally, from his text - to be a suitable parent with care.

Him being away makes it handy for finding the documents you need to leave, though.

This meme (attached) comes to mind:

That he wouldn't take no for an answer right at the beginning was a huge red flag ESPECIALLY if he knew you were just out an abusive relationship.

My uncle met his wife through work. He liked her but learned that she was recently separated and it had been an abusive relationship. He let her know he liked her but aside from that no pressure. About a year later she asked him out and they've been happily together since. But it all moved very slowly as my uncle understood and respected that it needed to go at her pace. He's supported her and her DC through recovering from that first relationship, which they don't discuss widely, but I'm sure hasn't been plain sailing. They're a lovely couple together. He would never behave as this man is - because decent men don't!

My dad - absolutely would! It's a "family joke" 🤔 that at first my mum turned him down & he then threatened physical violence.

He went on to become abusive in every way.

@Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom God, I read that in the supermarket earlier and had a little cry! Thank you so much for that lovely comment, it is definitely the thing I fear the most in the whole world. I do everything for my dd, she’s my entire world and the thought of not being able to watch her grow and learn new things every day is enough to put me in the ground.

It’s reallt sad because I still think of my ex often, not sure I ever really got over him and still have a weird yearning for him to come back into my life, maybe to just prove I’m worth it after all. I really did give that man everything I could possibly have to give to a romantic partner and he tour it down, not sure you can ever recover really :(

Current DP has never really made me feel loved or wanted or anything. He’s just so black and white and can be really really awful to me. Told me my mum was a shit mum and it was her fault I got molested.

I know I need to leave, please people give me step by step tips. I’m useless