What would you make of this text from DP? Am I the insane one?

[CaptainDamaged]

Hi there,

Sorry going to try and make this as short as possible without dripfeeding.

I got with DP after a really traumatic time in my life. I’d just broken up with my abusive ex fiancé 3 weeks before our wedding after I caught him cheating on me. I was very damaged when all this went down, and still am to a certain extent.

So DP kind of forced me into the relationship not too long after exF and I broke up. When I say forced.. I mean he wouldn’t take no for an answer and eventually I caved and agreed to give us a go. About a 6 weeks into us dating I discovered I was pregnant which obviously forced us to speed things up a lot. We toyed with the idea of an abortion however my exF caused me to have a miscarriage a few months prior which left me absolutely destroyed, honestly I don’t think I’ll ever go back to the person I was prior to the miscarriage and that makes me so sad.

Sorry this is getting super long, promise I’m getting to the point.

Anyway, we proceeded with the pregnancy, got a house together and planned everything out. He was very sweet to me for the most part, though did show a few similarities with my exF though that could be me being paranoid.

I gave birth to DD 6 months ago and I’m absolutely smitten with her. I adore being a mum and really am happy despite everything that has gone on.

Relationship with DP has been tough at times. He doesn’t help with DD whatsoever and is very messy but he travels for work (has currently been gone for 4 weeks) so it’s ok, me and DD have a lovely routine.

Last night we had a heated discussion about money. He earns very good money, like can be anywhere between 150k and 200k a year but he has a lot of debt and unpaid tax and loves to spend money on stupid stuff. he does support me and DD l, pays all rent and has recently taken over all the bills as I was struggling with my small mat allowance. He loves to throw money in my face and use the fact I don’t contribute financially against me, despite the fact I look after the house, the dog, and DD single handled with no help from family.

I ended up falling asleep in the midst of the argument and replied to him this morning before I jumped in the shower. When I came out I had 14 missed calls and a message that said:

When people ask what happens to me, I hope you will be honest.

And his phone was off.

I panicked and called his mum, also called his international office to find out the name of his hotel and see if I could get through to him there as I feared the worst. He called me about 20 minutes after and had a go at me, saying he meant he was going to have a mental breakdown because of me, I’m a crazy person, everything is my fault, I don’t understand the stress he’s under etc etc.

This is after he made me think he had killed himself when I have a 6 month old to look after. He always does this, spins it around on me like I’m the worst person in the world.

Is it me? Am I crazy? I hate my life with him in it. I wish I could afford me and dd to be alone.

So many good and helpful comments on here. Almost all posters unanimously speaking sense.

Agreed especially with user1479305498

"He is a Thoroughly Nasty entitled piece of shit. Make plans now to get rid"

And every one else saying abusive and gaslighting etc!! He is doing a major number on you.

He claims to think you are crazy but leaves his baby with you!

I have OCD, now quite mild. When I was younger I worried about things similar to you. Was i safe person. Had I accidently run someone over with bike! Intrusive thoughts are so scary.

I remember worrying if I could safely look after my child! Now a strapping 14 year old!

Then one day she had to have a procedure done which could have been dangerous and I knew I had to be the one with her. I was the safe person. Dh we equally safe but I wanted the responsibility because I knew I could handle it. It was a turning point.

You have been her safe, trusted person for 6 months. You are a brilliant mum.

Speak to women's aid and get free.

VERY wishes to you and your fabulous daughter. You will be OK.

Claim maintenance, keep working and keep putting yourself and your child first. You will be unstoppable!

Ps o have not read all posts but if the dog is an issue you can approach an animal charity who may be able to foster the dog. A local one may help better with locsl contacts.

Make it clear you are fleeing domestoc abuse and do not want to re-home doy but just see if dog can be fostered until you get on your feet. Although, if you do choose to re-home the dog that is fine. Sometimes it needs to happen. My mum re-homed the cat after death of my father as she could not cope.

Hi op, just to let you know I also have ocd and depression. I have also had the intrusive thoughts same as you. I have been on anti depressants for years and managed well as a single parent. You CAN do this alone.

Dds dad was a twat and said he'd want her 50/50 when we split etc, he gets four hours a week at his mum's.

Just letting you know I am thinking of you OP

So ladies you were all right. He’s just went mad this morning after snapping at me and dd all morning. He called dd a ‘moany bastard’ and has been shouting, throwing stuff and slamming doors. He a few minutes ago shouted “this is the last day I fucking walk this earth I swear to god” right as I was about to take dd out. Trying to stay calm but I’m shaking. I told him it’s over and he’s put all the blame on me for one joke I made.

Context my ex never paid tax and owes like well over 100k to various tax places, DP is not as bad but still owes a fair amount and loves to blame that on dd and me when it’s been building up for years. He was moaning about it this morning so to lighten the mood I said “why can’t I date someone who pays tax!” Though it may sound bad, he’s always making jokes like this, he loves to make jokes about my ex etc. But even so, I don’t deserve that reaction? In front of my dd? Even if I had meant it seriously and he didn’t always joke like that he shouldn’t act like that in front of dd. But he says it’s all my fault, I’m never wrong, I’m attacking him at his lowest (????)

Either he leaves today or me and dd do. Not sure where we will go but we will be out of here.

I’m shaking so bad. Sorry if some of that doesn’t make sense

Is the house yours or his? Either way you need to get rid

What you said didn’t sound bad at all OP.

He is a dangerous man and not safe to be around you or your DD. Please get free OP and find somewhere safe to go.

He’s left now. I know he has no keys to get in but still feeling very uneasy as he’s been known to get drunk and just come back here when I’ve told him not to. Tried to speak to his mum but she’s not interested. Currently applying to council housing and trying to figure out how I can get someone to rent to me if I’m on housing benefit temporarily. I think the chances of me getting a house via council is very very slim but I just don’t feel safe here. :( can’t believe he called my beautiful innocent dd a bastard.

You need to apply to social housing anyway and cite domestic abuse as a factor. My council also combines lists with the housing associations and they often have a wider portfolio of properties.

A lot of landlords list no housing benefit but often do, you need to talk to lettings agents and explain your circumstances.

I can unfortunately believe that he called your beautiful dd a bastard. My experience of men like him is that they often don’t see other people as anywhere as important or real as themselves. They are so far up their own arses that the rest of us are just props. You are better off without him, you know that and you’ve done the right thing.

If he comes back, call the police and tell them he's already been throwing things/abusive/threatening suicide repeatedly and you're scared. They either pick him up for the violence or because he's needed to be assessed as a risk to himself. Either way, he's not at your door.

Your 'd'p really capitalised on your lack of boundaries. You have been through so much in the last couple of years.

@CaptainDamaged did he come back last night? How are you feeling today?

No he didn’t but I got a bit of a bombardment of texts, he’s still focusing on my one joke. He also admitted that he doesn’t love me which is always nice to hear

I just asked him to keep contact related only to dd, I’ve applied for UC, so stressed about this. Have never been on benefits before and all the stuff in the news is so scary. Just going to take it one step at a time. Feeling particularly mopey today but going to get up and take dd to the park so we can both get fresh air. Feeling much less scared and unsure, I know it’s right that we can’t be together, I’ll be happier once I’ve found somewhere to live and I can sort out going back to work.

Thank you all for your support, don’t know how I would have done it without you all.

How are you doing today?

I went on UC when my marriage broke down to my childrens dad a couple of years ago and I remember that feeling well. I manage ok tbh and was only working 3 days a week (mostly 2 days as one child would be sick and I was having MH issues). I could budget ok and we rented a three bedroom house when my UC only covered a two bed (I could afford the shortfall).

Well I am being majorly lovebombed right now, but still trying to figure out when is best to leave. With his past I think it's best to wait for when he's away. My children are 6 and 3 too, so I need to be careful how to do it and try not to disrupt my daughter whos in school too much.

Well that definitely makes me feel better! It’s only a temporary thing and as soon as I’m back on my feet i won’t need it anymore, I guess that’s why it’s there! Haha. How amazing are you for being able to balance all of that though, that gives me so much hope.

God I remember when my exF would love bomb me.. it’s the most incredible feeling in the world and so addictive but the low that follows after is so painfully destructive, it’s like coming down from a drug. Take your time and do it as safely as possible, there’s no rush or timescale limit on it. Just look st your little girl and think would you want her to think this is how relationships should be? That’s what’s keeping me going atm. Though I definitely don’t think I’ll be in a relationship again, most certainly will never live with another man after this. I’m only 26 😂

@CaptainDamaged it was a lot to manage, but we coped just fine and i'm certain I can do it again.

Yes the lovebombing is so unnerving for me now as I can see the pattern and know whats next. I'm glad I have gained that prospective though and i'm no longer being ruled by him.

I'm doing the freedom program now and highly recommend it.

Has he made anymore contact?

How are you OP?