What would you make of this text from DP? Am I the insane one?

[CaptainDamaged]

Hi there,

Sorry going to try and make this as short as possible without dripfeeding.

I got with DP after a really traumatic time in my life. I’d just broken up with my abusive ex fiancé 3 weeks before our wedding after I caught him cheating on me. I was very damaged when all this went down, and still am to a certain extent.

So DP kind of forced me into the relationship not too long after exF and I broke up. When I say forced.. I mean he wouldn’t take no for an answer and eventually I caved and agreed to give us a go. About a 6 weeks into us dating I discovered I was pregnant which obviously forced us to speed things up a lot. We toyed with the idea of an abortion however my exF caused me to have a miscarriage a few months prior which left me absolutely destroyed, honestly I don’t think I’ll ever go back to the person I was prior to the miscarriage and that makes me so sad.

Sorry this is getting super long, promise I’m getting to the point.

Anyway, we proceeded with the pregnancy, got a house together and planned everything out. He was very sweet to me for the most part, though did show a few similarities with my exF though that could be me being paranoid.

I gave birth to DD 6 months ago and I’m absolutely smitten with her. I adore being a mum and really am happy despite everything that has gone on.

Relationship with DP has been tough at times. He doesn’t help with DD whatsoever and is very messy but he travels for work (has currently been gone for 4 weeks) so it’s ok, me and DD have a lovely routine.

Last night we had a heated discussion about money. He earns very good money, like can be anywhere between 150k and 200k a year but he has a lot of debt and unpaid tax and loves to spend money on stupid stuff. he does support me and DD l, pays all rent and has recently taken over all the bills as I was struggling with my small mat allowance. He loves to throw money in my face and use the fact I don’t contribute financially against me, despite the fact I look after the house, the dog, and DD single handled with no help from family.

I ended up falling asleep in the midst of the argument and replied to him this morning before I jumped in the shower. When I came out I had 14 missed calls and a message that said:

When people ask what happens to me, I hope you will be honest.

And his phone was off.

I panicked and called his mum, also called his international office to find out the name of his hotel and see if I could get through to him there as I feared the worst. He called me about 20 minutes after and had a go at me, saying he meant he was going to have a mental breakdown because of me, I’m a crazy person, everything is my fault, I don’t understand the stress he’s under etc etc.

This is after he made me think he had killed himself when I have a 6 month old to look after. He always does this, spins it around on me like I’m the worst person in the world.

Is it me? Am I crazy? I hate my life with him in it. I wish I could afford me and dd to be alone.

No no, I left fiancé, moved abroad for work for a few months and began to spend a lot of time with DP. I knew him before very briefly but wasn’t until I had up sticks and left ExF that we became proper friends. The house isn’t actually in his name but it’s in his business’ name of which he’s the sole director. I’m really scared of being too outing on this hence trying t give as little details as possible though I definitely have outed myself should anyone find this. He didn’t have money at the time we found the house so I paid the deposit and bought the furniture (not all, but a lot). I hadn’t been self employed long enough to have the house in my name.

Also we only moved in with each other when I was about 5 months pregnant, prior to that I was still travelling frequently for work and didn’t need an apartment in the UK so would crash at his parents house or my mums sofa if I needed to.

Tbh before all this went down I was considering a career change to something more child friendly so if I sort all of the rest out and just find a safe place for us then I can figure everything else out.

Never thought I’d be in this position

It’s so hard to know if it’s actually him being abusive or if it’s me being crazy paranoid because of my ex.

Really?

REALLY?

In the nicest possible way -- you need help. If you can't differentiate between his abuse and your potential paranoia, then I think you need to see a therapist

The good news is that you can just leave without any financial ties. Any chance you can go back to sleeping on your mum's sofa for a few months until the council can house you?
Claim UC when you are out of the house until you are back on your feet financially.

If you move out, you might not have to rehome the dog - most social landlords give permission for one pet and some private landlords will as well (with an extra deposit to cover damage).

Seems that you are talking with somebody else's voice, rather than one of reality. Probably a combination of your ex and his voice, in truth.

As yes, they can help, as can the police - coercive control is a criminal offence completely separate from violence. They're BOTH illegal.

Tbh before all this went down I was considering a career change to something more child friendly so if I sort all of the rest out and just find a safe place for us then I can figure everything else out.

This is it. This is what really matters, finding that safe place for you and your DD. Wherever it may be, you close your door and you'er both safe.

Clearly his lying is even deeper, you say he earns big money, but a few months ago he had no money for the house. Does he really earn that much, or is that another lie he's spinning you?

My lovely, just get out, however you can. Womens Aid, Rights of Women, do the Freedom Programme, see him for the abusive cunt he is!

Sorry if I’ve missed something, but why do you need to pay school fees?

Just checking in and seeing how you're doing OP?

I don’t have to pay for her schooling, but I wanted to send her to the same school I went to which is more focussed on child’s strengths and interests, though that’s definitely not a must have.

Wavering a lot this weekend, he’s actually been lovely. Even cooked me dinner which is the first time in months and months. I’m thinking it must just be me being sensitive right? I have no idea. 😔

Have you heard of the cycle of abuse?

When they think you are coming to the end of your tether, they start being nice until you are back where they want you and the abuse starts again.

I second the cycle of abuse. My partner is acting the same this weekend too and being very lovely. Makes it so much harder to leave as you start to doubt if it really was that bad.

@nowheretorunorhide So true! 😔 I tried to talk about the text he sent and he kept saying he didn’t want to talk about. Honestly it would be my dream to have a house with just me and my two girls (dd and ddog) just have no idea what steps to take. I know pp have given amazing suggestions but it’s all so daunting. Though I pay for 80% of dds stuff, I’m able to do that because I don’t pay rent or bills, if I had that stress she would go without so much. Aibu to wait until she’s school age? I only want the best for her, I don’t care if I’m unhappy as long as she is.

My partner want revisit anything he's said or done. I'm expected to drop it and move on like him. Woman's aid have been great help to me. Also look at entitledto.com as you'll probably get benefits. There is a lot of support out there for single mums.

Honestly kids don’t need ‘stuff’, they need loving homes and secure relationships.

I am a single mum/lone parent whichever you prefer. I’m skint most of the time but I work a job that suits my dd’s school hours, I have a 2 bed house (mortgaged), I have 3 crazy cats! We have food, I can buy her toys, she wears supermarket rather than designer gear. She goes to Brownies and swimming lessons.

She’s a very happy secure child and she wouldn’t have been had I stayed in a relationship with a manipulative emotionally derelict narcissist.

That means more than losing my professional career, foreign holidays, and a new car. Because actually that doesn’t matter to her. Baking cakes, painting, teaching her to knit and cook are far more important to her.

Ultimately it’s flipping scary and I understand that but you will not be able to be the mum you want to be whilst investing so much emotion and time into this dysfunctional relationship. And I bet your mental health would improve too.

How are you getting along OP?

Not too good. He’s been absolutely lovely for the most part, though last night he got very drunk and opened up to me about how we don’t have sex, (things have been slow since dd simply because I’m so exhausted and also it hurts to have sex now, I’m not sure why?? Also he refuses to wear condoms but is adamant if I fell pregnant it would end in an abortion.) so feeling very low today. Dd is also extremely fussy, I’ve never seen her like this. She’s coming up to 7months, not sure if there’s a leap or something but it’s been a nightmare and I get no break. They’d both probably be better off without me.

Your daughter would certainly not be better off without you. They go through stages and it can be so hard. My son is 3 and my daughter is 6 and the love they have for me is amazing. They are my protective factors in this world and keep me going. I know it doesn't help now, but it will get easier with your baby. Could you get your mum to have her for a couple of hours?

Also what he's saying about contraception is really not on. If you don't want to mess with your body using hormones then he needs to wear a condom. You deserve so much better than this, as does your daughter. Please take her and go to your mums when you can x

Probably hurts because you don't want to have sex with him.

Him controlling your reproduction - by refusing condoms but saying he would force a termination in this case - is also abuse.

YOU WOULD BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.

YOUR DAUGHTER WOULD BE BETTER OFF.

YOUR DOG WOULD BE BETTER OFF.

But, NO, they would not be better off without you.

He’s been absolutely lovely for the most part,

But he hasn't has he?

Because 'absolutely lovely for the most part' does not involve threatening you with an abortion as he won't use condoms

That abuse negates any 'absolutely lovely'

You really do need to get rid of this wanker

Please don’t wait until your daughter is school age to leave. You are worth so much more than that- and it isn’t good for your daughter to be in that sort of environment either. However much you try and hide things, kids pick up on the atmosphere. My mum stayed with my abusive dad until I was 4, and even though she tried to hide it and even though you might think i wouldn’t remember much from that age, it turned me into a very anxious, distressed child. A loving, happy parent is worth more than all the stuff in the world.

Also he refuses to wear condoms but is adamant if I fell pregnant it would end in an abortion.

That's not exactly 'absolutely lovely' is it?

I just told him not to come inside.. but he did."
NOT your fault.

Yes it is! She allowed him to have unprotected sex. It IS her fault.

Also the part about being 'forced' into a relationship with him. That's her fault as well. She has free will. Nobody forces her into anything.

Her situation is mostly the result of her bad decision making.

puss not helpful at all

Your dd will never be better of without you- she loves you and needs you.

Do you think he could have installed keylogging software on your computer? It would explain his current actions, as he would know you are planning on leaving.

He sounds creepy enough to do that.