What would you make of this text from DP? Am I the insane one?

[CaptainDamaged]

Hi there,

Sorry going to try and make this as short as possible without dripfeeding.

I got with DP after a really traumatic time in my life. I’d just broken up with my abusive ex fiancé 3 weeks before our wedding after I caught him cheating on me. I was very damaged when all this went down, and still am to a certain extent.

So DP kind of forced me into the relationship not too long after exF and I broke up. When I say forced.. I mean he wouldn’t take no for an answer and eventually I caved and agreed to give us a go. About a 6 weeks into us dating I discovered I was pregnant which obviously forced us to speed things up a lot. We toyed with the idea of an abortion however my exF caused me to have a miscarriage a few months prior which left me absolutely destroyed, honestly I don’t think I’ll ever go back to the person I was prior to the miscarriage and that makes me so sad.

Sorry this is getting super long, promise I’m getting to the point.

Anyway, we proceeded with the pregnancy, got a house together and planned everything out. He was very sweet to me for the most part, though did show a few similarities with my exF though that could be me being paranoid.

I gave birth to DD 6 months ago and I’m absolutely smitten with her. I adore being a mum and really am happy despite everything that has gone on.

Relationship with DP has been tough at times. He doesn’t help with DD whatsoever and is very messy but he travels for work (has currently been gone for 4 weeks) so it’s ok, me and DD have a lovely routine.

Last night we had a heated discussion about money. He earns very good money, like can be anywhere between 150k and 200k a year but he has a lot of debt and unpaid tax and loves to spend money on stupid stuff. he does support me and DD l, pays all rent and has recently taken over all the bills as I was struggling with my small mat allowance. He loves to throw money in my face and use the fact I don’t contribute financially against me, despite the fact I look after the house, the dog, and DD single handled with no help from family.

I ended up falling asleep in the midst of the argument and replied to him this morning before I jumped in the shower. When I came out I had 14 missed calls and a message that said:

When people ask what happens to me, I hope you will be honest.

And his phone was off.

I panicked and called his mum, also called his international office to find out the name of his hotel and see if I could get through to him there as I feared the worst. He called me about 20 minutes after and had a go at me, saying he meant he was going to have a mental breakdown because of me, I’m a crazy person, everything is my fault, I don’t understand the stress he’s under etc etc.

This is after he made me think he had killed himself when I have a 6 month old to look after. He always does this, spins it around on me like I’m the worst person in the world.

Is it me? Am I crazy? I hate my life with him in it. I wish I could afford me and dd to be alone.

not sure you can ever recover really

I think you've had an extremely raw deal in life but you can recover. I think humans are endlessly strong and resilient creatures. Look at people who survived the Holocaust and who rebuilt their lives. They had more children, they had new relationships. They started businesses and emigrated to new countries and built new friendships. I'm not saying it was straightforward for many of them but just that there is always hope. Life can change so drastically for the better with a little work.

Get away from your 'd'p as a priority and then once you're settled try to have some really good therapy. There are lots of steps you can take to build you and your child a really really cracking good life. You just need to be brave first and get your relationship sorted so you're free to do that.

I promise, you'll be on here in 5 or 10 years time telling other women that they can get themselves out of similar situations to yours and you'll have a long list of things to tell them all about how your life has improved. Just take it a step at a time for now. I'd talk to Women's Aid in your shoes as a first step. We're all behind you.

I'm glad what I said helped a little, every word is true!

For what it's worth. I was sexually abused, I had a bit of a shitty family and Iv also then went on to be in an (sexually and mentally and physically) abusive relationship.

Since all that though Iv met and been in a lovely relationship with a really good man for 16 years so I'm living proof that you can move on to have someone nice to share your life with.

I will live with the consequences (and the deficits) of my history for the rest of my life and will probably never be fully mentally well but I have recovered massively and am in a place where no one would ever be able to abuse me again because I now recognise my worth but it took hard really hard work emotionally on myself and part of that was really looking honestly at things and untangling the reality from what I thought the reality was because I was so damaged I didn't know the difference. My "learning" had been interrupted at a young age due to not having a great family and the trauma, then the abusive relationship compounded everything! So I had a lot of unlearning to do before I could then learn (and believe) the healthy stuff.

Things like the freedom programme can help with recognising red flags for relationships which Is really important for you to recognise for future.

I suggest (tell me bugger off if I'm overstepping!) that you probably need some proper help (once your not In This relationship) with the trauma stuff too as it's probably caused damage your not even aware of.

If I can get there, you can too I promise captain I believe that!

Oh god sorry another massive long post!

OP ... you’re getting lots of comments on your relationship, but I wanted to say the intrusive thought OCD... I suffer from the same illness (seems to be in remission at the moment, after 2 years of psychotherapy).

Violent thoughts, fears of committing sexual abuse, thoughts of abandoning my baby all featured for me.

None of them, none of them, reflected me, or my desires or my wishes. They reflected the trauma of my own childhood, and the behaviour of shitty excuses for adults who surrounded me.

You’re not on your own with that and it has zero bearing on your ability as a mother. My therapist said she has never ever seen an example in academic literature or her practice, of a mother with our illness, harming her child. It’s the opposite- we’re hyperaware of potential danger and desperate to protect them- so we don’t trust anything or anyone- not even ourselves. Because of the experiences we lived through.

I just wanted this to be really clear to you- the ocd is not a reflection of you. Or your ability as a mother. And you’re not alone with it. X

I think as a first step you should go to GP, tell them about the emotional abuse. Also phone woman's aid and ask them for advice.

I would start looking for somewhere to live, go on the website turn to us, they have a benefits calculator and will show you how much you will be entitled to for housing costs etc.

Please do not let your partner know you are doing this. Get an escape planned and ready and only tell him when you leave.

Have you got anyone who could hold on to important documents? passport, birth certificates etc.

How are you this morning, op ?

Some good first steps are detailed for you above. Whatever you do, I second the advice not to tell this abusive man what your plans are. He will ramp it up if you do so please do not be tempted to try to "shock" him into treating you better or giving him a misguided "last chance". He will use it against you.

I have since found out my current partner has been done twice for harassment of two ex DP and has "attempted suicide" (whilst making sure they know). I'm trying to make my exit route , but its not easy. He's becoming increasingly controlling and is a complete lazy ass, who has eroded my self esteem. I'm seeing the police tonight about claires law so I can find out if there is anything else I need to know and how to make my exit plan. I spoke with womans aid last night and they were fab x

So I spoke to him this morning, he’s coming back tonight and is going to work from home for the next two weeks before heading off again. It’s almost like he knows that I’ve been looking I to leaving, it’s making me super paranoid that he has seen this post somehow or can see what I’ve been searching on my computer. I know that is crazy talk though! God, going to just have to act normal, he was being so odd on the video chat saying stuff like “look at your chins” “ew I don’t think you know how your face looks sometimes” etc.

What a loser. How soon can you leave?

OP, you should leave now. It doesn't look like he's going to leave on his own acord any time soon. This 'working from home' thing seems like a control thing, to watch you. Is there a family member/friend who you can stay with while you sort yourself out?

And I don't think you need anyone to tell you this, but the comments on your face are disgusting. You are worth so much more than that.

Hi

If you are worried about your search history on your computer, download (free) an app called ccleaner and run that, it is just a few clicks. I will post a link

www.ccleaner.com/ccleaner/download

It will wipe your search history. Also if you have bookmarked any links in your browser, you may want the edit the names to things like clothe shop names. You need to be sneaky.

Same here. I'm super paranoid too with my partner. He comes home today and I'm worried about what to expect. lovebombing or abuse? who know!

are you sharing Apple logging somewhere?

Can you get anywhere today? a friends/relatives? If you work freelance can you get some work anywhere you go?
Get yours and your daughters birth certificates and passports and put them in your handbag, same for a phone charger.
If you can't get away today can you have a suitcase under the bed and gradually pack things for when he next goes away?

I had to lock stuff away while I was separating from my ex. I mean he searched bins, everything. I used to post things to myself, second class, just to get them out of the house. A burner phone might be useful, so there's nothing for him to find on yours, you can get a basic motorola pretty cheap and set up a new android / google account so all your search history doesn't show up anywhere else. Best idea would be to give a pack of important docs to a trusted third party. This is going to be horrible for you, but it will be worth every second to get away from that abusive fucker. Don't give up OP, keep your eyes on the prize.

Have you called women's aid, I think you need to get out of there, and if he sense you could be leaving he may ramp it up.

Please contact them and tell everything to them.

Sat down to make a proper plan and have realised it is pretty much impossible for me to leave, I’m well and truly stuck.

Just a few points I’ve come to: Definitely cannot afford rent and full time childcare if I go to work full time. My hours are also very long, an average week of 70 hours. Not even sure where I’d find childcare that covered that let alone the cost. I have no family that can help, they all work full time. I also have no savings as I spent it all on getting house ready for DD. I left mine and exF home with literally nothing but my clothes so I had to buy all new furniture, plus DDs stuff and deposit on new house, 13k gone in a puff of smoke. I doubt I would be able to take anything from here either. All I get currently is 600 a month which goes on clothes, toys, toiletries and now food for DD. I literally have nothing, how do people afford to do this, especially with children??? I also have a dog from previous relationship that I have to think of, thinking it may be fairer to give her up as DP hates her and is very cruel to her sometimes. 😔

Not really sure where to go from here, I feel sick.

Rehome the dog. It’s only you and dd (who’s a baby) so you could rent a small flat or room until you sort out something more permanent? Talk to your boss to see if you can reduce your hours until you can sort childcare. He will have to pay towards his child and if he’s earning good money that will be quite a bit ( might take time to get it). There are ways around things x

There's that entitledto website that calculates your future tax credits and benefits.

There's the CMS for child maintenance.

If you haven't done them then you don't have the full picture.

I'm confused though, what was the plan with childcare? He works away frequently, is currently away for 4 weeks. How could you have gone back to work anyway with 70 hr weeks?

Is the house yours alone or rented only by you?? You are not married? If so, tell him to leave, call the police if he won't go, then change the locks.

This is what local authorities and benefits are for - to give you an income and somewhere to live when you are unable to work or stay with an abusive cunt. Once you're out, you can look at returning to work part time or changing career, but you don't have to work 70 hours a week.

Contact Woman's Aid, clear your browsing history, change your passwords, destroy any notes or calculations you've been making (and the pages underneath those in case an impression has been left by the pen), hide your important documents out of the house before he gets back (haven't seen them, don't know where they are if he asks) and keep yourself and that poor bloody dog safe until you can make your escape. And if he kicks off at any point, whether at you, the baby, the dog or threatens to top himself again, call 999. At the very least, they can stand there as you walk out the door with your baby to go and stay at a family member's - it doesn't matter the hours they work, they will have a sofa away from HIM.

House is in his name with me as an occupant. Plan was for me to go back part time once DD was in school as I just needed enough to cover her school fees and her savings account.

Don’t even know where to begin looking for a new home for doggy, do you have any ideas? Not entirely comfortable giving her to battersea or something, would love to find a loving home for her where I can meet the people etc.

Sorry, earlier message was very ‘poor me’, just feeling anxious about everything as I’ve now made up my mind to cut loose. I can’t stay here, definitely can’t afford the rent. I’m going to give woman’s aid a call tonight, he won’t be home until late. Will they be able to help even though he hasn’t been physical?

Sorry not sure if I mentioned but I work a freelance job so don’t have a fixed employer or fixed end of maternity.

So, to be clear, you left you fiance into this new house with this man?

Because you're saying the money for a deposit as you had nowhere to go, but you're in this place you paid for and the furniture etc, but it's his house because your name isn't on it?

As a PP says, you'll have to cut it lose, call women's aid, get benefits, you'll survive, even in a small flat, have your name on it and start over.

You're on mat leave for now, don't worry about the hours and childcare right this minute, focus on now, focus on day to day. All you need to think about right now is getting out, not your hours. You can't be with this man, he'll destroy you and your lovely DD.

So, call them, and take it one step at a time. You may find some different hours when the time comes, but right now, this is your only priority.