Another 6am thread of misery!!

[Elliebellybum]

It’s becoming a regular thing from me, and I don’t even know what I want to say, I just want to get my thoughts down and maybe not see people’s eyes glazing over because it’s boring and why hasn’t she got over it yet?

Nutshell, left EA DH when the emotional side one night turned into a physical side.

Life since had been a horrific tale of homelessness, dragging young children all over the place, ex refusing to help financially/move out of the house/do anything.

Ex has veered between being a changed man who had an epiphany to a very spiteful, unkind man when he feels the former route isn’t working.

Instead of feeling settled I feel like I’m in high alert all the time as ex veers between these two personalities.
Last week he loved me and I was his life, less than a week later he is refusing to see the children (he doesn’t like the set up in place and will now only see them if it’s how he wants regardless of the kids thoughts), accusing me of stopping him seeing them (I’m not but the kids witnessed the attack so contact is in a certain way) and refusing to allow one of the kids to have something they left behind that they desperately want.

I can’t tell if I’m on my arse or my elbow and I’m constantly on edge, if we speak via messages I’m worried anything I say will be used against me in some kind of proceedings, I’m constantly second guessing and I’m becoming very paranoid, probably with a dash of depressed as well.

I’m so tired I can’t focus, yet I’m awake by 5 every day.

I have such confused feelings, I feel guilty, this man will see me and the kids homeless and starving if that’s what it takes to win, that’s not an exaggeration, he would let it happen, yet I feel bad because he isn’t poor and in a divorce he would lose quite a lot of money to me, which is one of the reasons I’ve not started a divorce yet. He however is not above trying to shift assets to keep them from me.

I still feel I need his approval. I try to explain and justify myself, when a “that’s how it is” should suffice. He feels no need to justify anything to me.

I feel like I’ve ruined his life and he is sat there miserable, minus me and the kids because of what I did. I can’t seem to get that me and the children are the victims.
But then he also tells me I have over egged what happened, that I’m equally to blame for the fact I got hurt, that I know the circumstances of how it happened, and if only I had done xyz it wouldnt have happened.
When you’re watching your whole life flushing down the toilet it’s a lot to have laid on you that you are where you are because you caused it, even if you know you probably didn’t.....

I feel like I’m a ball of guilt and confusion and upset.
The kids had never seen me cry prior to this, now I cry a lot, sometimes in the middle of dinner or a film I find myself crying and although the kids seem happy I know they miss him and our old house/life and I can’t describ how much guilt and feeling shit that heaps on me, because as my DH says if I wasn’t “being so stubborn and bloody minded” we could be back together.

One of the children told me yesterday she wished we could get back together because she misses him and wants to go home. The guilt it causes me is incredible.

My life is changing, I’ve gone from a SAHM who had no real worries, to a mum who now needs to get full benefits and over the next few months a part time job. It’s not working that’s the issue, it’s that it’s me now, holding it all together, I don’t have him there with his income to make sure it’s ok, in fact he’s now doing the polar opposite of making it ok.

Sorry it’s so long, I just need to write these things down somewhere

How long are you out of the split?

This was me 4 years ago, so I completely get it.

Sorry, have name changed, it’s still me!

Two months. Two of the most horrific months I have ever experienced.

I used to be fairly sunny and optimistic, but now I have no joy in anything. I have no emotion other than grief, fear and upset. I don’t look forward to anything, every day is Groundhog Day.

I mentally slap myself and improve for a bit, but genuinely I can’t be trusted on my own because I get very down in the dumps.

I’m particularly bad early in the morning when I can’t slerp.

Hi op, you’re not alone. I’m two years out from leaving the same circumstances as you and yesterday I had to threaten a harrasement order.

Stop trying to get him to understand, he’s shown he doesn’t care, so don’t care about him either. Limit contact and put all your energies into making life good for you and the kids.

Is there anyway you can solve the housing issue, get a more permanent base? Is he still in the family home?

I’m hyper vigilant, I have to be careful what I say. I’ve tried to be friends. It doesn’t work as the emotional abuse continues. Google grey rock, limit contact, don’t tell him anything other than about the kids and limit that to email and important information only.

I was advised to do this in here before, I was slow to do it and it only dragged everything out. Good luck and well done for putting you and your kids first (they’ll understand in years to come).

Even now I have this vision of us as friends. I’ve even tried to be agreeable and adult, but it all leads to the same thing with him, it’s absolutely got to be his way 100% or he’s not helping, example being he says he doesn’t mind paying money to help the children, but at the moment he doesn’t like the circumstances so he’s not going to pay any money.
CSA is pointless, he’s not self employed, but he pays himself a ridiculous wage and makes money via other, not easy to prove, routes.

I say this with good intentions - you have to fight. Fight fight fight. And I know you are tired but you are doing better than you think

You have done the right thing by leaving. No sane person would disagree. He’s just a sore loser. If you read back your post what do you see?

You: care about DC and him
Him: cares about revenge and money

You are holding back from divorce through fear and that is exactly what he wants. Forget about divorce for now. Don’t give it headspace. All you need to focus on is getting out of bed today and making small changes for yourself

What support do you have? Have you talked to anyone? Why are you allowing him so much contact and influence? Something has to change to help your emotional and mental wellbeing and that needs to be distance from this man. Let him play his silly games and stop trying to get him to understand the DC and you. You need to only focus on you and DC. Can you shut him out more than you are? Use a 3rd party? Emails only?

I think you need some extra RL support too. What support do you have?

OP there's so much to your post (and situation) I'm only going to comment on a couple of things which stick out. Firstly this I can’t seem to get that me and the children are the victims, I think that's entirely understandable given that he has been brainwashing and manipulating you for so long. You're following the patterns of behaviour he trained you into and it will take time, and maybe some help, for you to break those habits.

Guilt is your enemy (and his best friend) right now, I know it's hard but you need to try to push those guilty feelings away and replace them with logic. You know you had to leave, you know he hasn't, and won't, change and you know it's not in yours or DC's best interests to go back. It's heart wrenching to hear your child say those things but it's our job as parents to do what's right for them and you know it would be wrong to go back.

Are you in touch with any DV services? I really think speaking to Women's Aid or similar would help you get things straight in your head and give you some support and confidence in your decisions. The national line is very busy and hard to get through to but if you scroll down this link www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ until you get to 'Search by region or local authority' and enter your town it will give you details of your local service. They don't tend to be open 24 hours like the national line but are usually easier to get through to during opening hours.

You've done a really huge and courageous thing, it's no wonder you don't know which way is up but now is the time to get some support in place from people who understand and can guide you through your next steps. Don't try to do this on your own, it makes you more vulnerable to his head games and more likely to go back

I wish I could pick you up and put you down six months down the road. I've been here last year and I can't tell you the difference time makes - the advice I can give you is stop engaging with him at all unless it's essential. He will double his efforts to push you back into line now and will stop at nothing. Mentally strip back, enjoy small pleasures and focus on what you have right now, which is your safety and your children.

I think there's a bit of a myth after abuse, that soon as the abuser is gone you will be fine. It's not usually the case, I think after you've adjusted and amended your behaviour to keep the peace for so long, it leaves a sense of mental white noise that is deafening. That will fade slowly.

Down the line, a good eight months now, I have a lovely home, a full time job, extremely happy well adjusted kids, and even a summer holiday booked abroad-I promise you this will be ok, just dig deep and treat yourself with kindness. Take your ex out of your thinking because now it's time for your a-game. Stop engaging!

I'm going through this atm too and completely understand your feelings x

Stop engaging with him, OP. No texts, emails only. Only reply to emails referring to child contact. Ignore everything else. Do not answer the phone unless he has the children.
Every time he messes with the child contact, finances etc, write in down in an email, create a paper trail.

Go to the GP about the lack of sleep. That’s also happened to me and it’s not to be taken lightly. Please go to a GP, get all the help you can get: antidepressants/counselling/well being workshops.

Get a solicitor.

But most and foremost, spend some time with yourself. He is not a friend anymore, if he has ever been. I think that’s what I found the hardest, to comprehend that he would use, manipulate and hurt his own child to ‘punish’ me. That’s what turned the table and that’s when I got ruthless. You’ll get there too.
But if you have even the slightest impression that he loves the children just as much as you do, you are very very wrong.

It’s not your fault. Focus your energy solely on making a home for the kids and send the solicitor to do the rest of the work.

You’re stronger than you think, in 6 months you’ll be so so much happier.

Listen, two months is nothing. I struggled to decide if I wanted tea and coffee at this point. You are traumatised. And if you think about it, you are acting textbook what they (as in professionals) would expect from someone who had been forced to dismantle her 'typical for her' family life. It wasn't normal. But it was typical for you.

You have left. It's really fucking hard this stage. He isn't your friend. Your friend wouldn't have emotionally and physically abused you.

Your DC's will function on a daily basis but they WILL want to return because it's their typical and they are children, you've sheltered them from actually how horrible it was. They will adjust. This is all normal reactions. You just have to, as a PP said, fight. It's probably the first time to have to fight because you are scared, upset, drained and cowed. But I likened it to that bit after birth, when physically and emotionally you are at your lowest BUT nature gives you hormones to make you resilient and nurture your baby. Fight through this.

Take your focus off him and focus on yourself. I'm 4 years out and yesterday I told him that I wasn't going to discuss something with him as if made a decision (re DC's). 4 years ago I would never have stood up to him like that but I've learnt how to. You will too.

I totally understand the no joy in anything. I went through a bitter divorce that went on for years and led to several court proceedings. It took over my life as I self represented, that is another story. Upon separation I stopped enjoying the things I normally did and could not concentrate on any thing for seemingly years. I could not really watch a tv programme for longer than half an hour, read a book, continue my painting hobby. I used to enjoy window shopping but took no pleasure at all from it any more. I could not imagine what it was like to live a normal life without the constant worry of preparing for the next court appearance, or worrying about losing my home or the finances.

You need the specialist support of womens’ aid Or similar.

Well done for getting this far.

He is still abusing you. You need more distance.

You can do it. You are so strong to have got this far.

You deserve help and support.

I echo all of the above plus it is only 2 months . It is a long long time before you will get a handle on this ( sorry but that is the truth ) - however STOP with the feeling sorry for him right now !

It genuinely really does get better. You need a few months to recover & get your confidence back. It took me a year. Thankfully I had amazing family support. I was the exact same situation, didn't even know how to claim benefits. I gave up work after having DC. I went to CAB & they got the ball rolling for me. A year later I got back to work & never looked back. I literally lost everything but I am so much happier now. Everything I have is down to me, not awful ExH. As it turns out he has nothing now. Not even a place to call home. All his own doing. It will all come good in the end.

I do have a solicitor, but she can’t do anything until I get the ball rolling.

He angers me so much, holding onto the kids things when at the moment he doesn’t even see them alone, they certainly aren’t going to the house any time soon!
Then he accuses me of turning them against him and coercing them into not wanting to be alone with him, when his very behaviour is making them feel this way!!

He’s refused for two weeks to see them, because currently I’m there for contact (long story, he won’t do a contact centre, I’ve struggled to find a 3rd party willing to deal with him etc) but then last week he was full of how much he loves me.
He skips from one extreme to the other and I can’t keep up.

I’m really cried at the system too. Most agencies dumped us as I now am the responsible parent and it’s my duty to keep them safe, yet he’s still able to (and will) drag me through the courts where his lies will get air time and consideration again.

No one seems to think not giving a damn if your children have a home is the sign of a bad parent. He has not done one thing that has made this easier for the kids, even not seeing them only hurts them, not me, but no one cares.

Fortunately due to DV and young children I get a 6 month break from Universal credit work search requirements which is good because a) I don’t think I could function finding a job right now b) I don’t think I could actually function in a job the way I am right now and c) I have a chance to actually look for a job without the pressure of sanctions and online journals and the other ideas meant to punish you.

I’m pretty sore about it all, I’ve never had to claim full benefits and I’ve never had to and he has the means to ensure for a while I don’t need to, but he begrudges it all to us.

He’s removed anything outside (think Children’s garden toys) that the kids might want and locked them indoors. Who does that??

Ellie I have also been there (except from the homelessness) What i would say is that tbh you sound as if your co dependent on him, this is typical behaviour when domestic abuse is involved.
Have you got a domestic abuse worker? IF your children are pre schoolers you can go through your children's health visitor and get one, they will give you practical advise as well as emotional.
One of the biggest things that helped me is to realise that i am dealing with someone who is unreasonable, you can not reason with someone so unreasonable!! YOU have to try and start to think for yourself and not they way hes conditioned you to think, its hard but possible. I went "going Gray rock" with him and it really really helped. Look it up it. It really stopped the confusion and the manipulation and got me out of the cycle of abuse i was in. This was very empowering.
You can do this, you just need some direction and help. xxxxx

I do crave him being pleased with me, that’s probably not what I mean, but I actively don’t want him upset with me and I stress about that because his spite just ramps up and up.

He’s being spiteful now and I can see his face when he is engaged in that sort of thing, and he has this kind of attitude of “no one is going to tell me what to do and I am going to destroy you for this”

I often got that attitude but before I always knew I could eventually repair it and it was only temporary. Now it isn’t temporary and I’m quite frightened of the nastiness I will unleash.

I am in no doubt that he will give destroying me a very bloody good try.

I have an IDVA but she’s not a great deal of use (my old one left, she was good) but other than that I see a counsellor which was over something else but is now all about this!

I get tired of keep recounting the tale and no one being able to do anything really, I can’t make sense of how he is like this so I suppose no one else can explain it

He’s doing it because he isn’t winning!
I have learnt that the fastest way to stop something happening is to opt out completely. Stop trying to get the contact going - he’s only using it as a weapon. Let him rant at you via a blocked text message you can’t read. Stop waiting for him to do anything normal

He knows exactly what buttons to press - you feel like a bad parent when you can’t provide financially for your Dc. He knows this. So he can use it against you. You need to start becoming a person he doesn’t know anymore

Hi lovely. He is abusive. You will never convince him. He will never see things your way. He doesn't love you or the children not have their best interests at heart. What you do or don't do won't have any effect on what he does. He'll find another excuse not to support you or the children.

See a solicitor and get as much out if him as you can because this will likely be the only financial support he gives you.

From now on, do not engage. If he didn't want to see the kids then that's fine. Do not react to him or instigate anything other than a divorce and do not under any circumstances feel sorry for him.

It took me many many years to stop trying to convince my ex. No matter what I did or didn't do, he'd always have a reason or an excuse not to do the right thing. That hasn't changed now. He's self employed and I am fully expecting him not to provide anything but my life is so much better now. Still slightly traumatised but me and the kids at lots happier. I stopped communicating with him except for the bare minimum about 18 months ago and it has made such a massive difference. He still has the same thoughts he's always had but I don't have to spend all this time crying, talking, explaining, convincing him. He says lots of stuff trying to get a rise out of me or to justify his awful behaviour but I no longer care. No one believes him- even the kids look at him as if he's out of his mind.

Hi OP, so sorry you are going through this. I had similar with my ex (not as extreme as you). He switched from being reasonable and helpful one minute, to hating my guts and being as awkward as possible the next.
It all boils down to one thing. HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY END THINGS? HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT ME?
He is very bitter and angry at you right now.
I actually saw a therapist for a while and we talked about how he made me feel anxious, nervous and guilty all the time. I literally used to bend over backwards to keep him happy because I felt guilty.
She helped me see that I had nothing to feel guilty about.
She also gave me tactics to cope with contact with him. Set boundaries that you will only respond if its practical messages about the children. Anything else will be ignored. She also told me that I should open any text messages/emails from him straight away. Wait a period of time (kind of preparing myself) before reading them. Then waiting the same period of time before responding (if a response was really needed).
I totally understand how you feel and how he is making you feel but you will get through this. Small steps.
Please take that leap and start divorce proceedings.

shouldn't open texts and emails straight away

Do you know what else I’m scared of? I’m a SAHM in her mid forties.
Everything I planned for myself, long happy marriage, retirement with someone else, the holiday home we planned to buy, not having to share the kids - that’s all gone.

I look at life and I don’t know where to start. I have no skills that transfer to the day to day workforce. I’ve worked for myself (small business) for years, but I will have to shut that down for Universal credit claim because it will never hit the minimum income floor, so my little business that served its purpose is going to go.

I don’t know what I can do, or what I even want to do. I feel like I’m in a free fall.

But him? Well he’s great, he has his job, he has the house, he has his other company he isn’t in middle age watching it all fucking shatter around him, I am, and it should be me hates him, or should be him crawling over hot coals for us, but it isn’t.

It sounds pathetic, but I have no idea how to begin again. No idea at all.

Crying again now 😩

shitshower forget about all that shit. Forget about it all. For now, you have the most important thing and that is your freedom. You might not feel it now, and by god was I a mess when I first left I could barely get through the day.

In two years I have made many more friends, had several flings, rennovated a house, built deeper and stronger relationships with my kids and family, got a dog (he would never let me), laughed (and cried), kept down a good job, reconnected with myself, and have started a lovely new relationship with a man the TOTAL opposite of my ex.

Take a deep breath, you have loads of transferable skills, you ran your OWN business in the past, you can do it again. Stop putting pressure on yourself and put one foot in front of the other and take each day as it comes.

Try to stop living in the past or future, and live for the present. You will move on, he will be sat there all bitter and twsited. Trust me.

Start by writing a list of things to do each week, like writing a CV, messaging an old old friend, having a lounge picni with the kids. And write a journal, it really helps remember all the shitty behaviour.

Like I said upthread, I am still not free from my ex, we have kids together, its never going to just disappear, and he is still a pain in the ass. But it no longer kicks me in the guts like it used to. I dont sit and overthink like I used to, I have a lot of way to go yet to be back to my true autonomous self, but you will get there.

I’m going to have to divorce. This is hitting me like a ton of bricks.
So many friends say “you just need to get divorced” but it’s so blasé, this is my marriage, my whole life.

What if he tries for 50/50 care? He works 6 days a week and I’ve always cared for them, he’s already suggested it simply so he doesn’t ever have to pay maintenance, but he’s spiteful enough to do it.

I stand to lose so much by not going back and carrying this on.
I could lose my children!
Will it matter that he assaulted me and thatball the children saw it? Or is this going to be another place where what he did doesn’t matter??

You’re grieving. What would you say to someone who is grieving? To be kind to themselves and look after themselves and allow themselves the time and space to grieve. That’s what you need.

And the rest, all the little and big things, tackle each one each day with what you can manage. And look in the mirror every day and say “I will manage this and I will get through it”.

And talk it out with the people who want the best for you.