Another 6am thread of misery!!

[Elliebellybum]

It’s becoming a regular thing from me, and I don’t even know what I want to say, I just want to get my thoughts down and maybe not see people’s eyes glazing over because it’s boring and why hasn’t she got over it yet?

Nutshell, left EA DH when the emotional side one night turned into a physical side.

Life since had been a horrific tale of homelessness, dragging young children all over the place, ex refusing to help financially/move out of the house/do anything.

Ex has veered between being a changed man who had an epiphany to a very spiteful, unkind man when he feels the former route isn’t working.

Instead of feeling settled I feel like I’m in high alert all the time as ex veers between these two personalities.
Last week he loved me and I was his life, less than a week later he is refusing to see the children (he doesn’t like the set up in place and will now only see them if it’s how he wants regardless of the kids thoughts), accusing me of stopping him seeing them (I’m not but the kids witnessed the attack so contact is in a certain way) and refusing to allow one of the kids to have something they left behind that they desperately want.

I can’t tell if I’m on my arse or my elbow and I’m constantly on edge, if we speak via messages I’m worried anything I say will be used against me in some kind of proceedings, I’m constantly second guessing and I’m becoming very paranoid, probably with a dash of depressed as well.

I’m so tired I can’t focus, yet I’m awake by 5 every day.

I have such confused feelings, I feel guilty, this man will see me and the kids homeless and starving if that’s what it takes to win, that’s not an exaggeration, he would let it happen, yet I feel bad because he isn’t poor and in a divorce he would lose quite a lot of money to me, which is one of the reasons I’ve not started a divorce yet. He however is not above trying to shift assets to keep them from me.

I still feel I need his approval. I try to explain and justify myself, when a “that’s how it is” should suffice. He feels no need to justify anything to me.

I feel like I’ve ruined his life and he is sat there miserable, minus me and the kids because of what I did. I can’t seem to get that me and the children are the victims.
But then he also tells me I have over egged what happened, that I’m equally to blame for the fact I got hurt, that I know the circumstances of how it happened, and if only I had done xyz it wouldnt have happened.
When you’re watching your whole life flushing down the toilet it’s a lot to have laid on you that you are where you are because you caused it, even if you know you probably didn’t.....

I feel like I’m a ball of guilt and confusion and upset.
The kids had never seen me cry prior to this, now I cry a lot, sometimes in the middle of dinner or a film I find myself crying and although the kids seem happy I know they miss him and our old house/life and I can’t describ how much guilt and feeling shit that heaps on me, because as my DH says if I wasn’t “being so stubborn and bloody minded” we could be back together.

One of the children told me yesterday she wished we could get back together because she misses him and wants to go home. The guilt it causes me is incredible.

My life is changing, I’ve gone from a SAHM who had no real worries, to a mum who now needs to get full benefits and over the next few months a part time job. It’s not working that’s the issue, it’s that it’s me now, holding it all together, I don’t have him there with his income to make sure it’s ok, in fact he’s now doing the polar opposite of making it ok.

Sorry it’s so long, I just need to write these things down somewhere

Moving was good for you and dc so focus on getting sale and equity

there can be many reasons to stay in a new place, not least a fresh start.

A good solicitor is well worth the money. I am glad you have someone who is on top of things and does not dismiss your experiences. Get on and let her do her job.

Are you not intitled to legal aid?

I would be, but I really like this solicitor and family are going to lend me money to do it all.
I would rather pay and do some of it myself (I’m quite savvy and have a friend who is legal who can help) and save the money for the “big” fights.
I do think a good solicitor is going to be worth her weight in gold

You are out. That’s a huge step. Play with the kids, create some shared fun and routines, enjoy your little nest just for the 4 of you.

You are stronger than you think - look how far you’ve come in 2 months. It will be tough, it is hard, but you will get there x

Op I've just read full thread , what a living nightmare . That shit about telling you when the room was going to get painted and only when he said so, wtf??? You have so done the right thing for yourself and your children especially eldest daughter. I remember crap like that from father and my mum would Tiptoe around I was expected to be the good girl and not piss him off, still slapped me about when I became a teenager. I cut contact years ago.

I know I keep coming back to it, but part of my fear is made worse by the thought of Universal credits!
I feel like I’ve lost me and the kids so much and once I’m on them I can’t see how I am ever going to get us off them.
He isn’t (and never has been) the kind of parent to help, so sickness etc would all be my problem, the kids will for all intents and purposes be my problem, he will just sweep in for a bit of fun periodically while I try to pick my way through all of this.

I know I probably overthink it, and I’m a bugger for googling and scaring myself, but I just want a break.

In the last two years I’ve had cancer and chemo and now I’ve been assaulted and dumped in the shit. I feel like I’ve had more than my fair share tbh.

It is a huge responsibility being a single parent. Mostly I tune out and don’t think about how scary it is being the only financially responsible person and the one holding it all together.

As someone said upthread, you have run your own small business, you are bringing up three children and have been running a household under a lot of stress. You certainly have the skills to survive and in time, to thrive. I think everyone with sole responsibility for children feels the fear you do. Maybe it helps to think of it as a shared fear. Not one you thought you would have, maybe, but one which is shared by (mainly) women the world over.

You have also come through cancer and chemo, so go easy on yourself. You will not be on universal credit for ever and while you are on it, it exists precisely to support people in your position. That is what it is there for.

You do have skills, you have family offering to help out with your legal bills, and you have children who will grow up knowing their mum did everything she could to keep them safe and well. Honestly, you are doing all you can and more, so please do not add to your worries by creating problems which do not exist yet. Nobody knows what will happen in the future, we just do the best we can at the moment

I don’t have an ex who co-parents and you just get used to organising your life (and work) around the children’s needs.

Hi OP

You are my hero.
You got off the floor after being beaten up & you got your babies to safety.
Your daughter is angry because she is safe enough to be angry.
Your children are safe because you acted to protect them.
You shield them from their father and absorb his anger so they don't have to feel it.

If my mum has done what you did, I wouldn't still be in therapy at 47.

Don't give up. You are tired and hurting & grieving for the life that never was. And it HURTS! But, you will make it.
It's just baby steps now, one day at a time.
Don't worry about six months or three years or anything else. Just keep on swimming & it will get better.

I know angry men can seem all powerful to those they abuse. But he really isn't. You will hear horror stories about the family courts, but you won't lose your children because he doesn't want them. He just wants control.

To quote many a mumsnetter, No is a complete sentence.
No (the marriage is over)
No (you can't see the children until you stick to a regular plan)
No (you won't get away with paying nothing, because my lawyer will nail you)
No (you give me my babies things, or I'll bring the police with me)

You are stronger than you know.
You are a survivor & you stand on the shoulders of a million other female survivors of DV.
Never look back, there is nothing for you there.

OP, does he have BPD (borderline personality disorder)? You already described at least one symptom in your post (unstable sense of self).

Symptoms:
• An intense fear of abandonment or instability
• Difficulty tolerating being alone
• Feelings of emptiness
• Frequent mood swings (happiness, anxiety, irritability)
• Impulsiveness
• Inappropriate anger or having physical fights
• Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality
• Suicidal threats or self-injury
• Temper outbursts
• Pattern of unstable or tempestuous interpersonal relationships
• Impaired or unstable sense of self and identity

Or could he have NPD?

Either way, get away from him please.

OP, I have no experience of being in an abusive marriage, but witnessed a lot of arguments between my parents throughout my childhood, due to my parents' toxic marriage. I used to beg my mother to leave my father, as she was so miserable and they were totally mismatched, but she didn't have the confidence to leave him. Anyway, just wanted to say that I really think when your children are adults they will thank you for divorcing him and making a better life for all of you, and they will realise how brave you must have been to do that, when you knew how difficult he would make the process.

I have a good friend who has a very nasty, controlling husband. She stuck it out for years, because of the children, and because of the fear of what leaving him will involve. Things have got worse and I recently heard him shouting abuse at her, telling her that she'd ruined his life and was ruining the children's lives, and that she is mad and she needs locking up in a mental home. This is after years of emotional and physical abuse, which has included classic gas lighting behaviour. I really hope that she leaves him, and I've assured her I will do everything I can to help her make her escape from that vile man. Reading threads like this one makes me very aware how common these situations are, and of all the nasty tactics that abusive men will use to make others suffer for their mistakes. Stay brave OP, and follow all the brilliant advice from others who have walked in your shoes, it will be worth it eventually.

I do miss him though sometimes. I was laying in bed last night and I just thought how much I miss him at that moment.

I can’t switch him off in my head, it’s like white noise and I think about him 24 hours a day. Not in a “oh I love him”’ way but in a “what’s his next move, what’s he planning” kind of thing.
He’s in there because he un nerves me. I rehash arguments and conversations and I second guess his next move, imagine scenarios where he stops being an arse and how much easier mine and the kids lives will be.

Everything is about him, ever phonecsll or visit to a friend ends up talking about him and what he’s done.

I’m like a boring obsessed person, but I can’t seem to fully processor come to terms with it all.
I think the reason I write in here so much is because I’m waiting for someone to give me this elusive answer of “why” but no one can, because lots of you don’t know the answer from your own situations!!

I can’t work out how to quote, but to the OP who asked if he had BPO, I would say no.

My reading up suggests Narcissism, but his exw described him as a psychopath (he was divorced when we met, and what happened during that divorce gives me a good basis for what will happen during this one!) so I would say he’s probably somewhere in the middle of the two.

He has no empathy for anyone, he genuinely doesn’t. Or if he does it’s very short lived.
He is greedy and selfish about money.
He is spiteful and vengeful.
His temper is unpredictable in as much as you have no idea what will set it off.
He also seems to almost zone out when he’s angry at you, almost like you don’t exist or aren’t a person.
He is never wrong.

Obviously in the middle of that he can be very caring, he’s not all terrible.

And even with all this he has done, I still feel like a bitch. A feeling I can’t explain.

I’m so scared of sharing the children.
All their lives it’s been me and them, we’ve had holidays all of us etc, but he rarely, if ever came on a day out, or did their reading/homework etc. It’s always been me.

I can’t stand the thought of them eventually going to his overnight.

And I know how it will be, at first it will be treats and promises of wonderful stuff, then the real him will come through and they will be stuck watching the tv all day while he “does stuff” or going to his parents so his mum can see them (ie look after them while he has a rest) or he will palm them off on someone else while he goes to work.

He had two children from his first marriage and it’s fair to say that he insisted on his EOW and half holidays and then he just went to work and left them with me, and then all these wonderful days out never happened, they just sat at home.

I know that’s what’s going to happen with my kids, except he doesn’t have a new partner and I’m doubtful he will for some time, so I don’t even know who he will give them to to look after them!

I wake up too early and I’m so tired and the hours just bloody drag
I feel like I’m simply getting through each day rather than living it and lying in bed just waiting until I get up.
My life wasn’t great before by any means, but it wasn’t like this, not at all

And I’m leaning too heavily on this board and strangers to help me.
I just feel like everyone in RL has got bored.
It was a lot of drama when it happened and everyone was there but now it’s old news and other things happen and support and interest has railed off.

My friend suggested the other day I try OLD and I was just who even suggests that to a person who cry’s at the drop of a hats day has just pulled themselves and three kids out of this shit?
I don’t think people in RL really understand how lonely and miserable and just bloody repetitive my every waking minute is

DO NOT CAVE

you’ve got this. But right now you’re like one of those abused animals that’s been Locked in its cage and then set free. THe big wide world is so shocking and terrifying that the animal run should back into the cage.

You will destabilise the kids more if you bounce back and forth and get caught in the abuser / abused cycle of of the love bombing then the abuse/violence. You and they need to get used to the new normal. It will take some time. You and the kids are already damaged. Seeing your mother get beaten by your father is deeply traumatising. HOWEVER unlike many people, you left at the first insatnace of violence! Do you know how rare that is? Most get trapped in the cycle for far longer and with far greater damage to the children.

Find one nice cheap thing to do each day with the dc : film night with pop corn, card games, swimming session, or a game night with charades etc. it might feel like the last thing you want to do right now, but you can help the dc find their joy In simple things and reconnect with it and them yourself.

When my mum was depressed (medicated) she’d watch stupid comedies to help her laugh because the act of laughing was a tiny respite from how she was feeling. And it’s a great balm for the soul for you and the dc.

This is definitely a fake it until you make it situation and one in which tiny actions will eventually lead to much bigger ones.

You done the hardest part. You’ve got this.

Why not Make a list in here of all the small, cheap, fun things you like doing with the dc... Once you see the possibilities written down, it might give you some inspiration.

This board is for support. Never apologise for posting here!

Some thoughts that might help.

Do you have a proper psychotherapist (not a counsellor) who has significant experience of DV and EA? This is what you need to get free mentally - you are "free" physically but that is not enough. From your posts it looks like you have a counsellor but for another reason. This is like seeing a dermatologist for a broken back.

Have you additional support in place from DV charity? They will know exactly how to pull you through this.

Push the button on the divorce - your solicitor will guide you and do all the work. Let them get on with the process. I think this decision seems to be crushing you - once you make the call you will feel relieved.

Don't worry about contact with the DC today. If it currently supervised - the courts will manage this. Your 10 year old can decide not to see him in the basis that SHE experienced DV directly by witnessed the attack and she is now traumatised and terrorised. Get legal advice as to how this can be achieved.

Have zero contact - emails only to one account that you open once a week, pre-screened by a friend for any abusive shit or irrelevance - then responded to 48hrs after. There is nothing of urgency that you need to know from him.

You are hyper alert as you feel under threat. But if you had the support of solicitor, WA and a good therapist and only had to deal with him once a week you would be able to quieten and clear your mind so that you could free yourself to find pleasure and comfort in your children and be able to build in distracting soothing / fun activities

When do you move back to the town?

Absolutely agree with the need for a therapist who understands coercive control.
Also when I had insomnia and used to lie awake,I listened to talks by Tara Brach

Tara Brach Talk on anxiety

I have linked the one on anxiety. It has two parts. The second one has lots of strategies for how to rest your brain when you cannot sleep.

Secondly, the focus in your mind on what he is doing is the result of control. You need to work out what you want, and what you are prepared to live with. That is what you instruct your solicitor and that is what you start working towards, step by step.

If you go back, you know what/the type of man you are going back to. When you married and had children, you did not. If you go back, you will have a honeymoon period, you and he will make all sorts of promises, and then just like you describe with DC, the novelty will wear off and things will go back to how they were - except he will know he can behave how he likes and you will go back.

Shit (terrible name btw)... keep posting on here. There is sooooo much wisdom on these boards. You have done a fine and noble thing. Truly, you have.

Find the anger in you about this. About his behaviour. And his abuse.
Cradle that, and get yourself in front of the SH solicitor and get the ball rolling.

You need a PLAN. Something to hang onto as you move forward through this shit storm.

Keep writing down on here your experiences as it will serve as an outlet and reminder for you.

KOKO Keep on Keeping on. Baby steps. Grab help from wherever you can.

Stop looking ahead too much.
Today this week this month.
Do not go back what about ypur dd?
You can do this
Walk Thu the treacle and mud
Put ypur wellies on
Warm socks metsphorically
You can do this
Forget dating right now!

I try to look reasonable, probably to my detriment, I let him give two hours notice of seeing the kids, we spend the weekend in readiness and I go over the top trying to talk him into seeing them when he refuses because he doesn’t like the access set up (he says I stop himseeing them when they are about 5 messages asking him to see them)

I don’t even know how to play it and the result is he’s running rings round me.

I will have a look/listen to the link you sent me kataraJean thankyou.

I do need a plan.

I want to slap myself, how I am now is so far removed from me and how I once was.

The old me would have got on with it, licked horns and said “ok DH, you want to be like this? Let’s go” but I cannot find that person.

There are flashes, when I remember that night and I said that was enough and the fact I have held firm as I have lurched from disaster to disaster, but it’s only flashes at the moment

Just quickly, you need firm boundaries.

You are the resident parent. The children are with you for safety and stability.

Starting point - every other weeekend for contact. This is normal and means the DC have an uninterrupted, no -stressful weekend with you EOW where you can start to regroup. Your solicitor can inform him of this.

Before you panic about me saying EOW, because of what happened you are talking about supervised contact or contact where he sees DC in a neutral location for a couple of hours, NOT a whole weekend. I do not know if there are any perpetrator programmes where you are, but you might want to suggest he attends one before getting unsupervised contact. Speak to Women’s Aid as well as your solicitor. Being reasonable is offering this as a starting point, given what has happened, and reviewing contact as time progresses. You are not saying no to contact but you want it to be safe for DC. Emotionally as well as physically.

That is the first boundary you need to enforce (and my experience, it was the hardest, so get your solicitor to do it and don your hard hat). But this is how you start to get your own space and time (you are on tenterhooks because you are giving him two hours notice to come into your lives and turn things upside down).

If it helps, I was hyperventilating with panic when I had my first meeting with my solicitor. It gets better. But you need to find those big girl pants and that hard hat. You can do this

Katara has given v good advice here.

Cut direct contact with him and connect him with the professionals / the real world to sort access, so that he can’t continue to torment you and mess you around. He is not above the law and will have to behave reasonably. This will give you some space as it will be set in stone what the arrangements are. Can you make the call or email the sol today?