Another 6am thread of misery!!

[Elliebellybum]

It’s becoming a regular thing from me, and I don’t even know what I want to say, I just want to get my thoughts down and maybe not see people’s eyes glazing over because it’s boring and why hasn’t she got over it yet?

Nutshell, left EA DH when the emotional side one night turned into a physical side.

Life since had been a horrific tale of homelessness, dragging young children all over the place, ex refusing to help financially/move out of the house/do anything.

Ex has veered between being a changed man who had an epiphany to a very spiteful, unkind man when he feels the former route isn’t working.

Instead of feeling settled I feel like I’m in high alert all the time as ex veers between these two personalities.
Last week he loved me and I was his life, less than a week later he is refusing to see the children (he doesn’t like the set up in place and will now only see them if it’s how he wants regardless of the kids thoughts), accusing me of stopping him seeing them (I’m not but the kids witnessed the attack so contact is in a certain way) and refusing to allow one of the kids to have something they left behind that they desperately want.

I can’t tell if I’m on my arse or my elbow and I’m constantly on edge, if we speak via messages I’m worried anything I say will be used against me in some kind of proceedings, I’m constantly second guessing and I’m becoming very paranoid, probably with a dash of depressed as well.

I’m so tired I can’t focus, yet I’m awake by 5 every day.

I have such confused feelings, I feel guilty, this man will see me and the kids homeless and starving if that’s what it takes to win, that’s not an exaggeration, he would let it happen, yet I feel bad because he isn’t poor and in a divorce he would lose quite a lot of money to me, which is one of the reasons I’ve not started a divorce yet. He however is not above trying to shift assets to keep them from me.

I still feel I need his approval. I try to explain and justify myself, when a “that’s how it is” should suffice. He feels no need to justify anything to me.

I feel like I’ve ruined his life and he is sat there miserable, minus me and the kids because of what I did. I can’t seem to get that me and the children are the victims.
But then he also tells me I have over egged what happened, that I’m equally to blame for the fact I got hurt, that I know the circumstances of how it happened, and if only I had done xyz it wouldnt have happened.
When you’re watching your whole life flushing down the toilet it’s a lot to have laid on you that you are where you are because you caused it, even if you know you probably didn’t.....

I feel like I’m a ball of guilt and confusion and upset.
The kids had never seen me cry prior to this, now I cry a lot, sometimes in the middle of dinner or a film I find myself crying and although the kids seem happy I know they miss him and our old house/life and I can’t describ how much guilt and feeling shit that heaps on me, because as my DH says if I wasn’t “being so stubborn and bloody minded” we could be back together.

One of the children told me yesterday she wished we could get back together because she misses him and wants to go home. The guilt it causes me is incredible.

My life is changing, I’ve gone from a SAHM who had no real worries, to a mum who now needs to get full benefits and over the next few months a part time job. It’s not working that’s the issue, it’s that it’s me now, holding it all together, I don’t have him there with his income to make sure it’s ok, in fact he’s now doing the polar opposite of making it ok.

Sorry it’s so long, I just need to write these things down somewhere

you miss the life you wanted to have, I think, not the one you had.

Also miss familiarity

I am a better mother away from my ex too

Kids are 3/6/10.

The eldest says she will never, ever forget that night and what they saw.
The middle one I affectedby the whole thing, the youngest has taken it not so badly, but still talks about it at nursery and has a lot of tantrums etc.

He won’t accept at all that it’s casef any issue, he’s tired of talking about it and thinks we should all just move on and the kids will “get over it” if we just make them see him alone.

I don’t agree and this is where we have started to lock horns

That’s fine he doesn’t agree
It’s what the kids think that matters

I was your eldest child
I tolerate my father but I don’t love him
It’s his own fault

Women’s Aid have children and young people’s workers. They offer a safe space for your DC to work through their feelings and help you rebuild as a family (you and DC, as oppose to you, ex and DC).

Course he wants to forget and move on. He is the perpetrator.

Its frightening to think of losing your children. My ex threatened the same thing. Even though I knew it was only a threat, it still scared me.
Just remember, if he cannot practically have the children 50% of the time then its highly unlikely he would do it. He would have to fork out for childcare for a start so the reality of it all would soon put a stop to that. Plus, he won't want to be lumbered with them that often. I know my ex can barely manage every other weekend, never mind 50% of the time.
Please try to remember, its all EMPTY THREATS. Don't let 'what ifs' stop you from getting away from this man and starting a new life.
To get 50% he would have to take you to court which would also cost a fortune. It won't happen.

He will take me to court, he has the money unfortunately.
With my ex it’s all about winning at all costs, he doesn’t care what the kids want at all

What support are Dc Getting? Have they been.referred for therapy ?

Try and write everything from.your perspective not his.
A good counsellor told.me.this whwn I separated.

A lot of above is "He he he he..
".
It isn't about him.anymore
Or how he will.react.
That is his problem.

This what you said is really sad and I hope family therapy will.help you and dd to move on from this. Maybe you can explain to.dd how wrong you were? And apologize. Say that things are different now. And if she doesn't want to have much contact with him then support that.

"He had a very fraught relationship with the eldest, she could do nothing right, and she hates him the most. She clashed with him a lot which made me angry for her, because I would end up trying to persuade her to be this good daughter, not annoy him or argue with him, and she wouldn’t do it, so I would end up shouting at her about how it would be with him if she kept on this way."

My middle daughter is getting counselling at school, my eldest didn’t want it, but I have asked the school today to arrange some because she’s getting so angry and frustrated and her anger at him is getting much worse.

The two eldest just see their mum (who is their world) hurt, upset, crying, they know we are running out of money because I’ve had to cancel one of their clubs each and tbh I’m not going to sit there saying “oh dads brilliant” whilst I take the flack for the financial situation, they know we can’t go home, they know I asked him to move out so we could move in to avoid paying the extortionate rent on this holiday let and they know he won’t.
They were with me when I realised he had changed the locks because I had stopped there to get some toys they wanted.

I’ve tried to be as unbiased as possible, but they see things and they saw him pretty much beat me up, regardless of his attempts to brush it off as a “quarrel and a bit of a scuffle” and they can’t forget it.
And why should they? So he can feel better about himself and pretend it didn’t happen?

cestlavielife sorry I worded it wrong.

I got angry at DD because the way she was with him made her life even worse. I wanted her not to row with him because she always ended up upset and I would defend her and then it caused problems for me.

There were several rows where he was yelling at her about how she had “wrecked the marriage” which is what I tried to shield her from

But do you see how crazy that is to ask a 10yo to do that?

I know it’s hard when you are in this situation now but you have to really separate things out

Which of these is really truely more important for a child’s emotional and mental wellbeing?

An after school club
Toys
Or
Being safe
Mum being safe
No violence and aggression

By worrying about money and toys you displace the real fears onto those material items. They become a source of angst as well, but something you feel is more in control of being fixed. IF ONLY you could get the toys back... if only you could get him to pay some maintenance - facts are that even with these items or finances he will still be the same awful man, and he will be given more opportunities to get to you

It is somewhat of a release to let go of your ‘old life’ and try to make a new one. You get to choose everything that goes in it

Is the house in both your names?

Have you had legal advice? I can't see any reasonable person thinking its ok for you to be paying high rents with your kids and he has managed tochange the locks and sit in his comfy family home.

You need to find your fight (I say this as someone who has rolled over so many times to keep the police and only today went to see a lawyer about the shit strom that is about to hit us financially because of his greed).

He owns it, but I have put marital rights on it.
I could have gone for an Occupation order but I didn’t because it’s quite remote and vulnerable and actually I hate it there

Focusing purely on the practical side here.

Why is he still in the house? What equity is there? It needs to be sold and the proceeds of the equity split between you. If you are on the mortgage, you should still have a key and be able to come and go.

You are entitled to half his Pension (if he has one). You can opt to take this in hard cash, out of his share of the equity.

You may be entitled to Economic Recompense from him, if you gave up a career to be a SAHM and his career was not affected by having children.

You really need a good Solicitor to draw up a Separation Agreement. The divorce can wait.

Does he have any assets, like other property, car, shares? You are due to half (or hard cash equivalent).

The longer you were married, the more you will be able to claim, as most things are apportioned to the period of the marriage.

You need to open a case with the CMS immediately. They can only start getting money from him once you get that ball rolling.

My ExH turned in to a monster overnight, when I left him. Never under estimate what they are capable of. However, you don't have to believe it all : I'd be amazed if he got the kids off you, especially as they witnessed the assault and can testify to that. My Ex said that he would get my kids off me, and when I asked him how he would manage the school runs and clubs etc, given that he worked FT, he came up with the idea that he would convert his parents loft (!) and they could live with them (300 miles away). Yeah....riiiight. Arse!

I definitely engaged for too long. Try to limit contact to e-mails and only when absolutely necessary. I found that standing up to him, actually placed him back in his box. If I was nice, he saw this as a weakness on my part.

Please call CMS and a solicitor now

You can say that certain behaviour is wrong ..factually. you dont need to.be unbiased when someone has broken the law by violence or coercive control. Explain simply You can acknowledge that shputing from both sides is wrong. Violence is wrong. but a good family therapist can help.you with this and how to talk with ypur dc

See a lawyer about your entitlements separation agreement etc
See a lawyer about contact arrangements for.dc and setting these in a child arrangements order
See counsellor a family therapists and work with them and with dc to move forward.

Please tell.us that this was reported to police and you have a crime number?

"They saw him pretty much beat me up..."

And make sure dc have the chance to talk about this with professionals. This may help ypur case for oldest not to see him except supervised if that is what she wants.

It may not be too late to report. Dd may be happy to tell someone ?

Actually, with the assault, you are holding a good hand of cards here. If he plays silly buggers regarding selling the house etc, just threaten to report him to the Police. Could be a very good way to keep him in line.

He was arrested for it.
CPS in their wisdom dropped it.
He lied completely, the children saw the whole thing and know what happened, this is part of their issue.

He now thinks he is innocent, whilst admitting that obviously we know the truth.

I’m not on the mortgage, it was owned pre me, but I have put my rights in it. I would say a good 6-700 k equity on it.
Several assets by way of expensive vehicles.
A company set up pre me, but that I assisted with a small loan some time ago.

I think financially I will do ok, but he’s very slippery

We left that night and pretty much never went back again, barring once with some friends to collect as much of our stuff as we could.

I do have a solicitor, she wants me to get the ball rolling on a divorce so she can get going at him

I do have a solicitor, she wants me to get the ball rolling on a divorce so she can get going at him

I'd get on with it : you need to get your money. Don't forget about his Pension too. If he doesn't want to sell the house, he needs to buy you out.

At the moment you are wobbling, because of the money situation. You will feel differently once you've had your settlement and have bought yourself a lovely home for you and the children.

Get going on the divorce
The police incident will.stat on record anyway

Are you confident that your solicitor is good? Knows about domestic abuse and is good at litigation?
I was reflecting on this thread and wondering why you were not in the house and he is, but I see that has been discussed.
I do agree that you need to get the ball rolling on the divorce and financial settlement. The DV will be on record even if it did not result in a prosecution, as will the fact that DC are receiving counselling as a result at school.
It is scary, but it is time-limited scary, if that makes sense, because you will get out the other side.

I have used this solicitor before, I saw one solicitor who made very light of the DV, said DV charities go over the top and that it wasn’t bad enough to get him out the house, so I tracked down my old solicitor who had moved (and is expensive)
She wants to get him out the house, but, without going into it as it’s very outing, it’s not as simple as him going and it all being good, so I decided to take the rental property for the fact we will be safer I think.

It’s annoying because it’s costing a lot, but the peace of mind is worth it I think.