Another 6am thread of misery!!

[Elliebellybum]

It’s becoming a regular thing from me, and I don’t even know what I want to say, I just want to get my thoughts down and maybe not see people’s eyes glazing over because it’s boring and why hasn’t she got over it yet?

Nutshell, left EA DH when the emotional side one night turned into a physical side.

Life since had been a horrific tale of homelessness, dragging young children all over the place, ex refusing to help financially/move out of the house/do anything.

Ex has veered between being a changed man who had an epiphany to a very spiteful, unkind man when he feels the former route isn’t working.

Instead of feeling settled I feel like I’m in high alert all the time as ex veers between these two personalities.
Last week he loved me and I was his life, less than a week later he is refusing to see the children (he doesn’t like the set up in place and will now only see them if it’s how he wants regardless of the kids thoughts), accusing me of stopping him seeing them (I’m not but the kids witnessed the attack so contact is in a certain way) and refusing to allow one of the kids to have something they left behind that they desperately want.

I can’t tell if I’m on my arse or my elbow and I’m constantly on edge, if we speak via messages I’m worried anything I say will be used against me in some kind of proceedings, I’m constantly second guessing and I’m becoming very paranoid, probably with a dash of depressed as well.

I’m so tired I can’t focus, yet I’m awake by 5 every day.

I have such confused feelings, I feel guilty, this man will see me and the kids homeless and starving if that’s what it takes to win, that’s not an exaggeration, he would let it happen, yet I feel bad because he isn’t poor and in a divorce he would lose quite a lot of money to me, which is one of the reasons I’ve not started a divorce yet. He however is not above trying to shift assets to keep them from me.

I still feel I need his approval. I try to explain and justify myself, when a “that’s how it is” should suffice. He feels no need to justify anything to me.

I feel like I’ve ruined his life and he is sat there miserable, minus me and the kids because of what I did. I can’t seem to get that me and the children are the victims.
But then he also tells me I have over egged what happened, that I’m equally to blame for the fact I got hurt, that I know the circumstances of how it happened, and if only I had done xyz it wouldnt have happened.
When you’re watching your whole life flushing down the toilet it’s a lot to have laid on you that you are where you are because you caused it, even if you know you probably didn’t.....

I feel like I’m a ball of guilt and confusion and upset.
The kids had never seen me cry prior to this, now I cry a lot, sometimes in the middle of dinner or a film I find myself crying and although the kids seem happy I know they miss him and our old house/life and I can’t describ how much guilt and feeling shit that heaps on me, because as my DH says if I wasn’t “being so stubborn and bloody minded” we could be back together.

One of the children told me yesterday she wished we could get back together because she misses him and wants to go home. The guilt it causes me is incredible.

My life is changing, I’ve gone from a SAHM who had no real worries, to a mum who now needs to get full benefits and over the next few months a part time job. It’s not working that’s the issue, it’s that it’s me now, holding it all together, I don’t have him there with his income to make sure it’s ok, in fact he’s now doing the polar opposite of making it ok.

Sorry it’s so long, I just need to write these things down somewhere

And you won’t lose the children.

Take a look at adrenal fatigue as well, you’ve have been and still are on a high sense of alert. Lots of cortisol and adrenaline play havoc with your health and sleep. I had chronic headaches, bouts of thrush (which I’ve never had before), constant mild flu like symptoms. Take a good quality multi vitamin especially b vitamins. Switch off your phone at night, it’s time to look after yourself and you can only do that when you ditch the attachment and guilt. He’s no good for your mental and physical health. It’s taken me two years to get here with help from the people I love. Open up and let people help, I’ve developed lots of closet bonds with other people who genuinely care about me since leaving. You sound a good person, smart, brave, keep your head up high. You’ve done the right thing and his behaviour since you left should show you who he really is. And that’s not who you need or deserve, we all deserve health and happiness.

You will not lose the children.
Every controlling man ever uses that threat, but you have been the main carer and the courts recognise that children need stability.
I hear you on no-one helping because you are the resident parent and you are keeping them safe.

I am several years beyond where you are and I am very tired just now and cannot write a long reply. But the thing which helped most (paradoxically) was going through court because it allowed me to close down all contact with ex and then my mental and emotional state started to improve. You are only two months out and this man is trying to break you to get you back under his control.

Bit by bit you need to learn to breathe again, to stop holding your breath waiting for his response, to stop thinking, thinking, thinking all about him. Control works because it monopolises your thoughts and not knowing which way is up is a consequence of this but also if you don’t know which way is up, you spend time thinking about that rather than healing, learning to breathe freely, looking forward, not back.

You need to re-focus your thoughts on yourself. Cut contact with him until you hear from his solicitor. Focus on you and DC and your needs. Having to find a new job is not the worst thing. It means a chance to get to know new people and build a new life. There will be something out there for you. Just take things one step at a time

You really do need to focus on much smaller things and not this huge giant picture of 20 years time from now

What did you manage to do today?
What do you need to do tomorrow?
Plan something for the weekend with DC

That is it. That is all you need to do. Today, tomorrow, maybe the next day

None of us know what the future is going to hold but you can’t write it all off as bad now already

Take a breath
And listen
Make some small decisions you don’t have to make big ones yet

Totally agree with Pookie, trying to look at the big picture, the long term is like watching a tidal wave crashing down on you and will make you feel frozen with fear. One day at a time, one hour at a time sometimes, is enough for now

Pudding and katara I’m afraid that is so not true.
It is a very real possibility
It happened to my friend
They weren’t married. They didn’t properly live together
Mum took ex to court because the son didn’t want to see dad. He’d hit him ..so understandably he didn’t want to see him
You wouldn’t believe the catalogue of events that unfolded
She was turned inside out...not so dad
.she never saw her babies for 3 months
She fought, like fury for them.
Had the indignity of being scrutinised in a contact centre...fortnightly

Silenced because she could’ve lost them permanently

She fought so hard but only manages to get them overnight at his discretion...after 9 months
I would never have believed it if I hadn’t witnessed this first hand
Be careful what you write in emails it may all be produced in court
Be sure to ask him if / when he wants to see the children
It’s your proof you’re being a reasonable mother/ adult
Document everything...when you have them, when he sees them..every mortal thing you can think of
It will save time later if /when it turns nasty

It’s been the most heartbreaking thing I’ve witnessed. Torn from their home without chance to say goodbye
I bet that judge is going about his daily life as though everything in the garden smells of roses.
He has no idea of the misery he’s blighted those two young children with

Hopefully op, what happened to my friend won’t happen to you but just be on your guard
I’m really wishing you well

Start making it about you.
Stop making every thought about him (It needs someone to tell you that...a good counsellor)
Get gp to refer you to counsellor
Start putting thoughts of him to one side
He isn't important
You are
Dc are
Stop thinking about his feelings.

Start the divorce.

Now I’m worrying again about losing the children!!

Dowser I’m sorry about your friend but that’s probably not the most helpful post I’ve ever read when I already have so much going on, because now I’m off panicking again.

This is how I will end up giving up and going back, after all this I have done I can’t lose my children to him.

I am however going to see the Dr about some anti depressants.

I do have a counsellor, I see a cancer one because I had cancer a couple of years ago (another huge fear in all this) but it’s bern all about my marriage for months.

He says that I’ve represent feelings for so long that they are now bursting out everywhere and that it’s not something I need to medicate but something I need to let run it’s course, but I don’t know if that’s right or not.

I imagine if I slept more I would feel less emotional, but it’s become a vicious circle now

The best advice I Can give you to stop you panicking is think what would a court want to see?
Would they want to see a mum trying her best? Yes
Would they want to see her rebuilding her life? Yes

Would they want to see a woman who will not stop engaging with her ex and being part of a toxic damaging relationship - no. So your first step is to work on disengaging from this man, stop being part of his narrative, his insane crazy controlling behaviours.

I just don’t know if I can go through with it all.
Does that sound pathetic?

No, of course not!
It sounds like you’re aware of just how hard it is. But you don’t sound pathetic at all.
We’ve been there, darling girl, we’re bearing the scars. We’re all here for you for virtual support.
Be kind to yourself

No not at all
We are trying to cheer lead you not judge you or make you feel bad

Tell us 2 good things from yesterday or you will do today
Cute things your DC did or said, things you got done
Anything. Just anything?

It would be so much easier to just go home, say sorry, enjoy the honeymoon period and try not to let it happen again.

It’s been so easy for him, he’s lost me and the kids yes, but not anything else, he’s not panicked and short of money and trying to deal with all the kids emotions, I am 😩

I watched a film with my middle daughter who pretended to be ill so she could come home because she just wants to be with me.
For 5 minutes they all played together nicely 👍👍

No, it does not sound pathetic.

It is horrendous and difficult and you are raw and emotional and there is someone in here telling you a horrendous story which is not most people’s experiences.

So many people, including lawyers, said to me that the courts will order this, or do that or the other, and in practice, the judge bollocked me for acting on what I thought the courts would want (I cannot go into details here) instead of my concerns. So you cannot predict a court outcome.

You are in a precarious situation and that is stressful. I had insomnia too. Do you have support from Women’s Aid? They are an enormous help. If not, contact them. They can provide practical resources and counselling. Speak to someone there before you decide you cannot do this.

The other thing I found useful was meditation - techniques to ground myself and stop the anxiety. I like Tara Brach (Google her), her website has lots of podcasts and blogs. I also did take anti-depressants for a bit although for anxiety. They helped.

His contempt for you will multiple x100 if you even think of going back. All of his manipulative and controlling tactics ways will increase. Did you write down your feelings when you left? Have you reread them. Please do.

What the courts will see is a father withholding maintenance and his children's person effects for no reason other than spite and control. With the messages you have the court will see his split personality which evidences his controlling and manipulative ways.

Start the divorce. Start your new life. You ran your own business! Which didn't fail but which you have suspended for now. Depending on outcome of divorce and maintenance, maybe pt work and as children get older restart your business. OP you have so much to look forward to. But you are early days still.

Yay that’s really nice. Do you think the DC get on better now?

Also OP come on
You describe a very unhappy angry man. He has a shit life! Just because he has money doesn’t mean it’s a happy fulfilled life. Who would want money if you have no family and spend it all being furiously angry and manipulative? Happy people have better things to do with their lives than ruin other people’s. You know this

I once was told that

Arguing with an unreasonable person is like playing chess with a pidgeon. Don't do it.

He's unreasonable, save your precious energy and let his rubbish pass by.

The kids do seem happier and more settled. They miss him, but not the atmosphere.
I’ve always been (and always will be) a shouty mum, but I’m calmer because the cloud of living under his visible anger of things has gone.
I also hated the family home for various reasons (he refused to move) so I don’t miss that.

But I miss the life we all had

shitshower did you get anxious and shout at the kids because you were tying to not irritate your ex?

It’s good you can recognize you’re calmer because you’re not on egg shells all the time. This will start to feel better, I’ll be honest it took me 6 months to start to loose the fog and feel slightly human again.

I shouted for two reasons.

One I was always quite stressed and put upon, he didn’t seem to think as a SAHM to three who had also had chemo and all that went with that (I still get some problems from it, tiredness mainly) that I ever needed a break or a lie in, he was never around so it all fell to me. It does now as well but I’m not eternally frustrated that my DH isn’t helping.

I was nervous when he wasn’t talking to me and that came out as annoyance to the children.

He had a very fraught relationship with the eldest, she could do nothing right, and she hates him the most. She clashed with him a lot which made me angry for her, because I would end up trying to persuade her to be this good daughter, not annoy him or argue with him, and she wouldn’t do it, so I would end up shouting at her about how it would be with him if she kept on this way.

It’s not so like that now. I remember when he was angry at me it was like tge house held its breath, then when he went to work we all breathed and then it would repeat when he came home.

I was always tired, and he could be a nightmare about sex, sulking, threatening to take things off me if I didn’t, do I felt under pressure with that, there were problems with his family and I never had the ability to just sort stuff out, yes, I chose what colour the walls were painted, but I couldn’t decide the timeframe or just book a decorator because he had the money and he chose when it was done.

Once he spent 6 months pissing about over getting a room he had stripped plastered and I said I would just get it done and he said “if you do, I will just rip it all down. It’s being done when I say”

Which probably says it all in a nutshell

Print that reply out and Put it somewhere you can read when you’re feeling guilty. You really deserve a place of calm and happiness as do your children. How old are they? I asked about the shouting because I’m not a shouter but I became one towardsthe end because I was so on edge not to upset him. Everything is such calmer now.