Another 6am thread of misery!!

[Elliebellybum]

It’s becoming a regular thing from me, and I don’t even know what I want to say, I just want to get my thoughts down and maybe not see people’s eyes glazing over because it’s boring and why hasn’t she got over it yet?

Nutshell, left EA DH when the emotional side one night turned into a physical side.

Life since had been a horrific tale of homelessness, dragging young children all over the place, ex refusing to help financially/move out of the house/do anything.

Ex has veered between being a changed man who had an epiphany to a very spiteful, unkind man when he feels the former route isn’t working.

Instead of feeling settled I feel like I’m in high alert all the time as ex veers between these two personalities.
Last week he loved me and I was his life, less than a week later he is refusing to see the children (he doesn’t like the set up in place and will now only see them if it’s how he wants regardless of the kids thoughts), accusing me of stopping him seeing them (I’m not but the kids witnessed the attack so contact is in a certain way) and refusing to allow one of the kids to have something they left behind that they desperately want.

I can’t tell if I’m on my arse or my elbow and I’m constantly on edge, if we speak via messages I’m worried anything I say will be used against me in some kind of proceedings, I’m constantly second guessing and I’m becoming very paranoid, probably with a dash of depressed as well.

I’m so tired I can’t focus, yet I’m awake by 5 every day.

I have such confused feelings, I feel guilty, this man will see me and the kids homeless and starving if that’s what it takes to win, that’s not an exaggeration, he would let it happen, yet I feel bad because he isn’t poor and in a divorce he would lose quite a lot of money to me, which is one of the reasons I’ve not started a divorce yet. He however is not above trying to shift assets to keep them from me.

I still feel I need his approval. I try to explain and justify myself, when a “that’s how it is” should suffice. He feels no need to justify anything to me.

I feel like I’ve ruined his life and he is sat there miserable, minus me and the kids because of what I did. I can’t seem to get that me and the children are the victims.
But then he also tells me I have over egged what happened, that I’m equally to blame for the fact I got hurt, that I know the circumstances of how it happened, and if only I had done xyz it wouldnt have happened.
When you’re watching your whole life flushing down the toilet it’s a lot to have laid on you that you are where you are because you caused it, even if you know you probably didn’t.....

I feel like I’m a ball of guilt and confusion and upset.
The kids had never seen me cry prior to this, now I cry a lot, sometimes in the middle of dinner or a film I find myself crying and although the kids seem happy I know they miss him and our old house/life and I can’t describ how much guilt and feeling shit that heaps on me, because as my DH says if I wasn’t “being so stubborn and bloody minded” we could be back together.

One of the children told me yesterday she wished we could get back together because she misses him and wants to go home. The guilt it causes me is incredible.

My life is changing, I’ve gone from a SAHM who had no real worries, to a mum who now needs to get full benefits and over the next few months a part time job. It’s not working that’s the issue, it’s that it’s me now, holding it all together, I don’t have him there with his income to make sure it’s ok, in fact he’s now doing the polar opposite of making it ok.

Sorry it’s so long, I just need to write these things down somewhere

OP I really feel your pain.i am ten years on from my own separation ( a lot more dramatic as we had to do a moonlight flit and drive across
Europe) but those feelings of anguish,pain,misery and hopelessness...God yes I felt all of that.
What I did to get through the days was to focus totally on my two DC who had endured years of intermittent abuse and mind games,veering from neglect and shouting to smothering ‘ concern’. Take it one step at a time,ask anybody and everybody for help,especially professionals such as doctors and lawyers.look after your own health,eat and sleep and go outside as well as you can manage Money is important but nothing compared to freedom from abuse and malignant,brooding control where you’re constantly on eggshells. At one point unable to sleep I was out foraging in supermarket bins at 5 am four times a week ( not recommending it but everything’s plastic wrapped and you can feed your kids and save the planet at the same time)
YOU CAN DO THIS. keep a journal,write down in detail what he did/ does and read it to a trusted friend or your mum. No one will ever tell you to go back to him.i was like you except 56, overweight miserable depressed and thought my life was shattered.it was,for a while.but like you id run my own business,used those coping and financial skills and got our lives back.my kids are grown up now,both at uni,happy healthy and NORMAL. So am I financially balanced, optimistic and looking forward to retiring and a new sector of my life.i gave up men,but you don’t need to: people tell me there are decent ones out there.
Please believe in yourself,get help and look forward not back.you know it was broken and going back wouldn’t fix it

So would everyone say that a bit further down the line they became happy and stopped regretting/feeling upset?

At the moment all I can see is I’m going to lose precious time with the DCs and I’ve put myself at a huge disadvantage financially.

I also spend a lot of time fearing my cancer will return and that this time it won’t go so well and I will be alone for that too.

My mum was here and said that she could see over the years how much he eroded away at me, as things I would never have accepted became acceptable. She also thinks the DC are a lot better behaved and happier than they were.

I think somewhere in my head I’m still holding out for this fantasy that he makes it ok, I think I *so much^ want him to make it ok and be the person I wanted him to be that I am not really grasping the fact he never was that man.
I saw enough examples of greed and spite towards other people to probably know that he would justify doing it to me.

I have to see him today, he’s seeing the DC. They are nervous about it but I’ve told them just to have a good time and not worry as I will be there if they need me.
My eldest messaged him with a list of little things she would like him to bring back, but he has ignored that, won’t bring them and then will complain when another nail is banged into the coffin of their relationship.

My mum suggested moving then just having two months, where I don’t actively look for a job (obviously if a good one comes up that’s different) and I concentrate on making the house how I want it, sleeping, eating, having friends over just so people remember I am still here and using her to babysit so I can go outa few times. Then after two months decide if I’m going to divorce or what I’m going to do.

I think he is going to do something that massively pisses me off and that will be the thing that pushes me. I think probably when court forms come through for the children showing that he has totally ignored their wishes and has pushed ahead with his agenda.

I’m dreading mediation. He has this way where he talks really calmly and gently to me as if I am a bit stupid and unpredictable, then if I get frustrated he says “why? Why are you getting so aggressive with me? You are scaring me” or similar words in order to make me look crazy/unpredictable and I know I’m going to struggle to remain calm during it.

I am going to write down later what access I think we should have and why I think that just so I don’t go off in a tangent and say too mich in a fury.

I think it’s partly that I know it’s not going to be worthwhile, anything we agree he will unagree as soon as we leave. He is quite determined this will go to court.

I’ve also had it thrown in my face how mich it’s costing (I said I would do it if he paid) it’s been £500 and he has raged about that. I have pointed out, that I have spent (with deposit and rent in advance) in the region of £1600 since we left. My outgoings have been horrific because temporary accommodation isn’t cheap and even cheap cars aren’t cheap to buy and insure! I’ve had to replace furniture for the move and pay solicitors fees to get some idea of what to do.
And he’s made one small payment to me for that which he now claims equal several months of child maintenance payments! So I can’t feel much sympathy for what he has spent really.

Do you know what as well? Being married and wearing my wedding rings made me feel an acceptable part of something.

When I went out the other night I was one of the few single ones there who didn’t have a partner with them. And I felt almost conspicuous, like the big, fat, failure in the room.
Now don’t get me wrong, one of the reasons I was unhappy was that he never actually came to anything with me, one of tiny friends asked why it even bothered me as I always turned up to everything alone before I left him, and she’s right, but those rings gave me a feeling of being in an acceptable place iyswim?

I liked saying I was married, I liked saying “my husband” I liked being someone’s wife, I like being a couple.

On top of everything else I feel like that’s all been wrenched from me too, it feels like everyone sees the bare ring finger and wonders, where before those rings meant I was part of something, someone loved me enough to marry me, I had someone.

Now it feels like I’ve lost my position in society, I’ve become one of the many women who’s had their legs done by their husband and now has this future they aren’t quite at one with.

I don’t know if that makes sense, but I guess I just feel like a massive fucking failure really.

I miss having that person I can ring and talk to, or text. Now don’t get me wrong, for quite a while most texts got ignored as he was busy and phone calls become about what needed doing, if we rang at all, and he rarely, if ever, actually took an interest in mine or the kids days, but I miss sitting in bed at night having our little conversations, I miss having someone to have a laugh with (and we have had some very good laughs and good times) and like I said the other day, I miss going out and coming home and telling him about it.
All the funny/annoying things that happen each day just stay with me because I have no one to share them with and that’s lonely and miserable.

I then think to when he gets the DCs for his overnights or takes them on holiday then what? I will have even less people to talk to!
We will never go on holiday again as a family, I will never sleep with him again or share his cup of tea or be a proper part of that life again and it’s very, very hard.

I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone? I just don’t know when this sadness goes and the feeling of relief is meant to kick in.

For me the sadness went away very gradually over a period of years. However my emotional well being began to improve after only a couple of months. I didn't leave, I asked him to and he did with no fuss. I think, reading your posts, the biggest difficulty now is that he is still abusing you. So, you need to find a way that he's not able to abuse you as he won't stop while he can do it. I'd maybe start with the contact with the children. Maybe take control and text him something like ' OK children are free for you to see them over next weekend. Just let me know by Wednesday please what day and time suits you and we'll make ourselves available for two hours. They're looking forward to seeing you but are busy the following weekend so hope you can make it' If he doesn't let you know by Wednesday don't contact him again, make other plans and get the children out for the weekend

OP, since my split I have started a journal. I write every day, like you, I need to tell someone what happened in the day etc.

I also found myself in a new town where I don’t know anybody, I was used to my group of girlfriends who all lived in my village, we saw each other all the time. Yes, I can still pick up the phone, etc, but it’s not the same. We rarely meet up these days. Having a teenager means pretty much no interaction whatsoever, so sometimes my ears are ringing with the silence.

So I write. Furiously. Every day. I fill journals after journals, hundreds of pages.

I also go to counselling, I have an NHS one for 12 sessions. I did a CBT course, a couple of well being courses etc. I’m basically taking everything my GP gives me to try and get out of it.

Do you exercise at all?

Hugs. I know it is hard.

Things will improve when you accept this person will do what ever it takes to hurt you because he doesn't love you and never did.

You need to separate grieving for what should have been a happy family life whilst acknowledging it was never that.

You need to accept he is your enemy, you need to go completely grey rock and cut off the supply that feeds him his power. Only agree to shuttle mediation, when there has been abuse mediation shouldn't even happen.

Long term I doubt he'll bother because he won't want the work of looking after then.

From now on just offer him Sunday's 10-12 or similar and vary the place. No compromise no negotiation-take it or leave it, after all this man won't even let the DC have their personal possessions, the DC don't want to see him yet you are letting him play you so he can get his power trip... there is nothing he can't rearrange in order to make contact he is only saying that to bully you into continued submission

He will bother, just because he’s proving a point. However the DCs will spend all that time with him watching tv or being palmed off on relatives while he does other stuff.

Why do you think he never loved me? I think in the beginning he thought he was really lucky to have me, just somewhere in the last few years that started to wear off and he began to feel that I was after his “things”. That was very strange because although I worry about money now I was actually one of the least spendy people I knew, I certainly didn’t spend his money so I don’t get why he started to need to protect it from me.

He was always greedy and selfish, but I didn’t see it aimed at me really until much later. It’s not a surprise how he is now, I guess I’m just disappointed because I hoped his humanity might kick in as he thought about why we are in this situation and how he has let the DC and me live.

It’s a very odd man who sees his young children homeless because he won’t leave the family home, likewise it’s an odd man who thinks his wife who is a SAHM can manage to finance everything all of a sudden (I have managed but that’s not the point) and who is willing to see his DC lose every club and activity and wear clothes that are too small simply because he’s not seeing them in a way that he chooses.
Then blames his wife for turning them against him because I’ve explained to them why we need to cut back on clubs and why we can’t just replace their clothes straight away.

I don’t need to turn them against him, they can see, they know he has money they have seen it, they know he isn’t giving us any. I don’t need to tell them that.
They see their mum really upset.

Yet it’s my fault they don’t really like him!

People who love their spouses treat them as equal human beings, with respect.

The fact that he thought he was lucky to have you chimes with your comments about him being greedy and selfish. You do not ever ‘have’ another person, you are with them. He could live having you in the way one has a possession to control. That is not open-hearted, unconditional love.

This is not about whether he did or did not love you, though. It is about the way he is seeking to exert control, punish and blame you to bring you back to heel, to the box where he thinks you belong.

Whereas you want to go back to the very small crumbs of normality he threw you to keep you, because that is better than what you see as a long and lonely path to getting your self back. I do not think the path will be as long and lonely as you envisage it. Your mum is right that he has eroded your sense of self and she is on side with a plan to help you back on your feet.

I wonder if it would help to at least look at the legal aid options. If family are offering to pay legal bills, maybe that money could be better spent on a down payment for a flat rental and tiding you over until you get a job, if you are eligible for legal aid. Much of your distress at the moment seems to be about the loss of material stability (and status as a wife), whereas beginning to stand on your own two feet and establishing a routine as a single parent family will help you get a sense of your own self back.

I also think you will feel better when you get contact today out of the way and also mediation next week. You just need to stick to a script and not get drawn in. I know that mediation is not recommended for DA and I hope that the mediator is good and recognises the dynamics of control. In terms of him not sticking to what is agreed, the mediator will write down what is agreed and send it to your solicitor. If you want her advice on it prior to finally agreeing, you can ask for this to be noted in any written summary. So you should come out with something in writing which he will need to stick to.

As the content of mediation is confidential, you do need to agree on something in writing which will go to your solicitor (even if it is that you cannot agree) as otherwise there is no way of proving or disproving what has been discussed and agreed, if that makes sense. At the very least, the mediator should provide a letter saying when you attended mediation and the purpose of this.

Sorry if that is garbled, trying to bake bread and get DC ready at the same time. Should say ‘he could love having you’

I don't think he is capable of loving anyone, never has been never will...

He needed someone to look after DC/facilitate his life I suspect!

Can someone go with you to the contact today and also to the mediation and push for shuttle as others have said. Sunlight is the greatest disinfectant - all his dark deeds need exposing.

Good god! My eldest has asked him to bring some small things with him from her room, he’s basically said “no” until they visit him.

He has then accused me of engineering it repeatedly so he can’t see them when my only proviso has been that I am around during contact.

He’s said to me until Custody is resolved the situation stands over their belongings.

It’s ridiculous. How does he even think mediation will go anywhere like this??

This is why you need to stop engaging with him, it doesn't matter what you try and do he will turn around and make out it's your fault etc.

PLEASE TALK SENSE INTO ME

Did mediation (mediator was brilliant and really had my back) but DHs strong desire to reconcile was quite obvious and I’ve let him talk me into couples counselling. I’m definitely the one who is uncertain on this, and I’m trying to listen to myself because something has stopped me going back so far.

Me and the kids move into our rented place next week after weeks in temporary places.

I should be ecstatic, but I’m not!

I just bloody want to go home, I feel like I’ve got into something and I can’t get out of it.

I know lots of this is the amount of time it’s taken, its given me too long to think and I’m dangerous when I’m thinking.

I have no enthusiasm to move, I feel like on the day my friend is going to have to physically drag me into there and I’ve gone from feeling I like the place to really hating it because of what it represents for me.

He would have us back tomorrow I know he would.

I don’t know if I’m doing right, Im trying to give him a chance to change, but I feel like he’s pushing to try again, other people are pushing me not to and I don’t know what to do!!

Look while I have sympathy you need to give your head a wobble.
You are really passive. You don’t want to do anything new, you want a false reality of a past that never exsisted! You don’t listen to any of the advice given by other MN people who have been telling you over and over to find some strength to start actually TRYING to get him out of your life. I totally get that he’s done an amazing job on your self esteem and you have come really far

But

He’s no good for you
He is bad for DC
He will never change
You can do better
He’s a bully
He loves his money more than he loves you

Ask yourself if this is the life you want? Ruled by this man? Why don’t you want your own life? Why don’t you want a better life emotionally for DC? Why can’t you get this man out of your life?

You are addicted to him
You need proper counselling for yourself

Please think about your DC. They don’t even seem to like him

I think somewhere in my head I’m still holding out for this fantasy that he makes it ok, I think I so much^ want him to make it ok and be the person I wanted him to be that I am not really grasping the fact he never was that man.
I saw enough examples of greed and spite towards other people to probably know that he would justify doing it to me.*

You know this is a fantasy
It isn’t real
And it would be horribly cruel to put your DC back into the family home so that you get your fantasy man (which wouldn’t last)

What are you waiting for as proof that he is majorly abusive, beat you senseless????

It is fantasy that he will change. You need to do the Freedom programme and fast.

You need to say that actually you've reflected and that you will not do couples counselling with him.

Counselling with abusers is NEVER recommended because he will use it to hurt you further.

There is not really any point in writing very much.

He wants you to go back. You want to give him a chance to change. So 🤷🏻‍♀️

You feel you have got yourself into something you don’t want - not clear what you mean? By leaving? You did not get yourself into that - if I remember correctly, he assaulted you after years of control and you (rightly) decided enough was enough. What you maybe don’t want is the punishment he is meting out because you dared to leave, the financial hardship which comes from leaving, and the realisation that it is abuse and he will not change. It is that against the (false) promise of resolving the issues through couples counselling. Please, dear, you should not hit me. That should not even need saying.

Couples counselling implies two people are at fault and you are accepting half the responsibility by going.

I am going to stop here. I have recommended several times speaking to Women’s Aid and seeking support from professionals. All I will say at this point is that leaving is a process and that next time, plan how to leave. Plan to get a job, plan where you would like to live and plan how to get the children’s things out bit by bit, plan to be able to make it work when you have to get out again. Because you will.

I’m not going back. Sorry, that wasn’t very clear.
I am having a major wobble I admit and I am pretty passive I suppose, but I’ve had two horrific years with this and cancer and it’s truly beaten the stuffing out of me, it really has.

By got into something I can’t get out of I mean the whole thing, him pushing for reconciliation, moving, all of it, none of it is how I planned or chose it, and although I know it’s the right thing it’s still bloody hard.

Yes, he had done a number in my head, when I left I didn’t even own a car I could take, so it’s been an episode in dragging myself along, very slowly indeed.

I know how it would be for my kids, that’s why, against it all, we are not back there, that’s why I have pushed ahead with my housing plans.

I’m not daft, just....well not daft really.

Please, please don't go back and please don't do couples counselling. You have seen the positive difference in your children and things will get better for you in the longer term, you will start to become the person you used to be. If you go back he will know that he can push you even further.

There is so much good advice on here, please take it. Stop engaging with him, communicate only via email to a separate address and get the divorce under way.

It will be hard to keep going, but I promise you it will be better than being slowly destroyed by him if you return. Do you really want your daughter to spend the rest of her childhood walking on eggshells around him? What kind of relationship is she going to end up in when if you model this kind of marriage to her?

Sorry, cross post, so glad you are not going back.

Good!

Look don’t give him false hope. That will lead to madness. It will prolong this agony for you all

You need to be firm and clear. Do not mislead him. I know why you have ended up here, but you need to find your strength. You are out and away from him, but making it seem like you will go back will blow up in your face

Oh good! About not going back, I mean. You are absolutely not daft and you have indeed had a lot to cope with and none of it is how you planned. It is such a long haul, and I feel sorry for any one who has to do it - but you did not create this situation. But you are going in the right direction (away from him and not back) and I honestly believe going back would just see you having to make the same set of decisions a year or two down the road.

I agree with what RandomMess said - you can go back and say you have reflected and do not wish to go to couples counselling. The relationship is over and you wish to focus on sorting out child arrangements. Honestly, because the mediator had your back and you still agreed to couples counselling; whereas a counsellor will be approaching you as a couple.

Hard as it is, if you do not engage with him there is less room for him to get in your head and make it wobble. Your mum and friend are on side and you will be able to do this. If he is going to change, he can quite well do that living separately from you - and maybe one way to start changing for him would be to give DC the things they wish from the house.

OP - I know that you had to do flee your home after the attack and that you are somewhere unsuitable and isolated - but look back to your earlier posts - you had a great plan and were looking forward to moving back to town. That is almost in reach - hang on to that.
This wobble is 100% because of the contact at mediation. You got suckered into agreeing to counselling BUT you know this is wrong and that is why you are venting here - and I know that you will reverse oytvif this quickly and save yourself the horror of being in contact with him again. Email the mediator and him immediately to say it is off. You will feel a lot better.