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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A heartbreak support thread

316 replies

namechangedbutneedadvice · 28/01/2019 20:37

I'm currently on day 7 of heartbreak central... split with my boyfriend of 16 months. It was a messy, semi-mutual ending but I still love him though know there's no way back from here. He's done. It's less than 2 years since I split with my husband (his 2nd affair) and I think the way I feel is a build up of heartbreak but it's just absolutely awful. It's a physical pain, totally distracting, I feel sick, no appetite at all, tearful, not sleeping. It's intolerable.

I posted a different thread about my situation but wanted to get some of us together for some support. I know I could do with some but I know it's helpful to support others too. Would you care to join? A place to offload and hopefully find a way forward xx

OP posts:
Napssavelives · 02/02/2019 12:36

@namechangedbutneedadvice because I’m stubborn

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 02/02/2019 12:44

Naps me too. In fact I'd say my stubbornness was what got me through my divorce some days...

OP posts:
Duvetday2day · 02/02/2019 14:00

I feel lost, I’m not so proactive. One minute I’m ok, next I’m crying and trying to hide it from the DSC. the more time that passes the harder it is.
A few weeks ok, when reality hit that everything was going to end, it took me weeks to pick myself up and get it together.
Finally felt like I had this week, and now my heart is shattered again, even though I knew it was coming.

Napssavelives · 03/02/2019 05:50

Husband came home last night as I’m working today. We argued . Can’t even be in the same room. I became very upset, sobbing for hours, he knew and refused to comfort me: hurts a lot , in growing his child. I then went to him in the night as i pathetically wanted comfort. Hugs, kisses. Sex. He told me it was just sex. Did it anyway. He’s meant to be back and forth several times in the week to take the kids to school so I Can work. I’m not sure I can. I’m not sure it’s healthy for anyone, my kids included. It destroys me whenever j see him. I’m in a zero hour contract and can get by on one shift a week on a Sunday, maybe it’s better to keep it at that for a bit longer to allow things to stabilise. Trying to protect my kids, trying to do everything I can to try save this . Husband says in all over the place. That’ll be because I’m pregnant and you’ve destroyed me. I need to keep myself together for my kids, I need to keep telling myself that I am enough for them. They can see him once a week, if we divorce they can see him one evening after school and one day on the weekend but what they need is me. They are still young and I’ve been their primary care giver as husband works long hours, it’s me they know, it’s me they seek when I’ll and miss when I go to work for 6 hours. I am enough for them, I can provide for them. Need to be strong for them and my baby.

HoundOfTheBasketballs · 03/02/2019 08:23

Oh naps. What an awful day for you.

In the nicest possible way, perhaps it would be best if you tried to minimise contact with him, at least for a while. He sounds really manipulative, refusing to comfort you when you're crying, but getting his own needs met by having sex with you, when he knows how emotionally fragile and vulnerable you are.

If he is only coming to your house to look after the children while you work, can you make sure he leaves as soon as you get home and doesn't stay overnight?

If you can be really brave and make any contact with him really breezy and just about practical things, like what the children need to eat and if they have activities to go to, then maybe you won't even need to reduce your shifts? I would try and only have him in the house for as minimal a time as possible.
What do you think?

babbi · 03/02/2019 09:22

The Last Nigel is correct ... heartache will reduce in time ...
it will always hurt but we begin to cope with it better ..
life goes on - it really does - different from before - but it goes on ...

Hugs to all .... while it is still in early stages it’s dreadful and distressing... but try to remember... there is a life out there for us all ... reach out to others to support you getting there

Duvetday2day · 03/02/2019 18:00

@napssavelives We all haveour moments of weakness, don’t kick yourself for wanting comfort. It’s sad that he couldn’t comfort you though when you was upset. Remember you are strong!

I’ve had a horrible 24hours. I said an indirect goodbye to the DSC and they left with DP. We agreed that today he would come and sort and collect his and their things. But he hasn’t shown up, no contact either. This is cycle we are living with, he says it’s over, that we can’t continue living like this, he disappears, we make arrangements for all things to be addressed / collected, he doesn’t show up. Then we are back to him being here later in the week needing things, and sorting stuff to the SDC! It’s a vicious cycle which is wearing be down. We run a business together too which just makes it harder, as I need to continue with it, but he’s not around to communicate with. Last night I just felt like every avenue for me to talk to someone was a dead end, it was horrible.

Napssavelives · 03/02/2019 19:27

Why is it it I know he’s going to leave on a Sunday evening , I told him that he couldn’t stay but it still destroys me when he walks out the door :(

Duvetday2day · 03/02/2019 19:29

@napsaveslives Because in that moment we remember the good times, can’t imagine the future, and are trying to hold on to the past... HUGS Flowers

Napssavelives · 03/02/2019 19:36

Feeling very pregnant and hormonal this evening. Achy, very sick , sore boobs. Baby is kicking away so I think he’s happy but feeling like crap. Had no sleep last bight which won’t be helping how terrible I feel. He’s back to see the kids oh wedbesday and then back to mine Saturday to look after the kids whilst I work. I plan to make a plan for the week tomorrow morning and try get to fit in a little bit of exercise

Duvetday2day · 03/02/2019 20:15

@napssavelive make a list and hopefully it will help, sense of achievement if you get things done. Your bound to feel rubbish, especially being tired and pregnant, and going through this emotional rollercoasters.

I’ve sent 2 WhatsApp’s today, asking what time he coming, and then another asking why he can’t just commit to collecting his and the DSC belongings. Both have been read, but no reply. Feeling so angry and frustrated at this whole situation!

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 03/02/2019 21:38

Napssavelives and Duvetday2day my heart goes out to you two this weekend. Both your exs just sound like they've completely absolved themselves of guilt in this equation. Naps OF COURSE you will feel like that when he actually leaves... even though it seems illogical. You're having to be strong for your DCs. It makes me Angry to hear he's still taking advantage of you in your vulnerable state. Could you confide in a close friend or relative the extent of it all and get their practical help? He can't keep treating you like this... and don't say you're letting him... you're doing all you can in a really vulnerable situation. Sending big hugs to you xxxx

Duvet feeling up and down is normal of course, but made all the worse by your exs failure to follow through with things. If running a business together wasn't bad enough... he's not giving you any clarity. Like Naps you're doing all you can in a complicated, messy situation. Keep the faith. How are you feeling tonight? Big hugs to you too xxxx

Wish I had some magic words to say for you all. I've been away again this weekend, things with my ex still rumbling on.... but back now and here to share some love and support Flowers WineBiscuitCakeBrew

OP posts:
Duvetday2day · 03/02/2019 21:43

Thanks @namechangedbutneedadvice
I’m just so fed up of living my life in limbo. I can’t just move on, or forward with anything. We where in the processing of buying a house together, things are moving forward with the solicitor. I asked him to sort this out, give the final word and he hasn’t. By house is being changed to a BTL mortgage. His property is going on the market on Tuesday! This week was a huge week for us, and hes avoiding sorting anything out. He hasn’t collected any of his belongings, or the DSC. no arrangements have been made for the business, we have bookings for Thursday, which need times etc!
I was hoping to go back to my day job tomorrow, I’ve had 2 weeks off sick. I’m on a series of medication to help with my anxiety and insomnia. He knows all this and doesn’t care. I just don’t know how I can move forward? It’s eating me up!

Glad you’ve had a great weekend, have you spoken to your EX?

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 03/02/2019 22:31

Bloody hell he sounds like his head is in a different space altogether. Probably the same shit heap place my ExH's head is still in (sorry... rant). So many legal, practical, business and emotional issues to sort out. Thinking... what can you do if he just continues to avoid things..... talk to the solicitor yourself? You shouldn't have to of course and you're more than occupied... but I wanted to sort my divorce from my ex... gave me some control back. What if you just send an email to the solicitor saying it's off. Am probably being wholly naive with that statement... I just hate being at the mercy of someone else Angry

Do you think you'll go back to work tomorrow? Could you extend your sick note? Either way they should offer you a phased return I think, so maybe a half day might be a good thing, away from your ex, back into a routine.

My ex... it all feels quite unhealthy. For various reasons we mostly text eachother rather than speak (in between time when we meet) and it's just carried on like that. It is weird. I've kind of had enough of that. We've both had our DCs this weekend so never much chat. Still planning on seeing him on Friday night, I got a babysitter for a few hours, so will see what's what. I'm just so tired of it all...

OP posts:
Duvetday2day · 03/02/2019 22:39

@namechangedbutneedadvice
Sounds like he has formed a text companship with you, which is horrible and not a long term benefit to you. I think you just need to analyze if their could me more? Hopefully next Friday will be a nice evening, and you will have a better perspective on it all.

I could ring the solicitor, but I don’t know who is dealing with it all, (as naive as that sounds). I have a S who is dealing with my house. He has a S who is dealing with the house purchase, as it’s being bought from a family will, and partially being inherited. Which confuses matters more. Which stems to the whole is he grieving / depressed, and that’s the reason he is being so elusive and non commital.
I’m having tomorrow off, I have an assessment with my GP Tuesday, so I’m waiting to see what they say. I can’t work in this state of mind, or sleep. My friends say pack all his and DSC belongings and go and dump them at his, I don’t think I have the strength to do that though.

Napssavelives · 04/02/2019 05:43

So I wake up and cry. Cry that he’s withdrawn all affection, love and himself from us and I’m going to have another baby In as little as 16 weeks :( in heartbroken, j just want him to love me

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 04/02/2019 17:35

Hi everyone how are you doing this evening?

Duvet it's an interesting point about whether his behaviour is a reaction to grief. Could be.... I did however fall down that rabbit hole with regard to my exH, except his was re: his health issues. I decided in the end that fuck it, it didn't affect how he'd chosen to behave and was just a load of mental work that I wasn't going to pick up. Wow the legal stuff really does sound involved. I hope today's been ok and that the GP appt goes well xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 04/02/2019 17:37

Naps I wish I had some magic words... just go through these feelings don't fight them. Just for a bit. But then just 'try on' another thought that you're worthy of so much more than this. Eventually that will settle and you'll realise it's true.

OP posts:
Duvetday2day · 04/02/2019 19:34

@namechangedbutneedadvice
If this is grief and depression I feel horrible ending things, as his DP I should support him. But everything I do seems to not get me anywhere, and it’s horrible. Plus he says there is nothing wrong with him, so won’t except help.
I’m currently upstairs led in bed, whilst he is downstairs watching tv. He was meant to be trying to save our relationship, or collecting belongings, but seems to be doing neither. I’ve tried talking to him, but he just cries, shrugs, says whatever or I don’t know. I got angry and upset, so have taken myself out the way for the minute.

Duvetday2day · 04/02/2019 19:35

@namechangedbutneesadvice
hope you’ve had a nice day, and your head is a bit clearer today?

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 04/02/2019 19:44

Sounds like you're doing the right thing removing yourself Flowers it's strange behaviour for sure or just inertia. Is the vibe angry or amicable?

OP posts:
Duvetday2day · 04/02/2019 19:50

He’s really amicable. It’s just like normal, walks in the door whistling, changes out of his dirty / dusty work uniform, makes a brew, sits down, feet up on coffee table. Like everything is NORMAL. Then proceeds to finishing cooking tea, which I had prepped just for me; and he was confused over the portion size.

Then when I try and talk I just don’t get anywhere. X

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 04/02/2019 20:45

What a monumental head f**k! And how undermining really when you've drawn a line and he's not respecting it. I suspect you'll reach a tipping point where enough will be enough and you'll find the strength to dump his stuff at his place. I know that doesn't help the emotional side of things xxx one foot in front of the other. This won't last forever...

OP posts:
Duvetday2day · 04/02/2019 21:17

@namechangedbutneedadvice
He’s left, it’s over for good. He is really not well at the moment, and that was obvious tonight. But I don’t have the strength, mental capacity to continue, with someone who has friend zoned me.
I am absolutely devestated, reality has struck me tonight good an proper. I’ve been sick since he’s left, non stop crying. I’m never going to see my DSC again, after everything we have been through together, and after all them years of making memories, teaching them things, doing their homework etc. And my DP he is the love of my life, after a string of toxic and failed relationships. X

Foreverlexicon · 04/02/2019 21:21

Can I climb in? My situation is very pathetic as we were only dating, it wasn’t even a relationship yet but went on for a few months. My feelings were incredibly intense and I felt we really clicked and she ended it for practical reasons. I’ve really been struggling to let go of it, I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that about someone. I feel horribly low about it.