Dating Thread 146 - Swipe Left Swipe Right

[MyOldBrainStoppedWorking]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Fab isn't scary (or I'm very brave 😂) meeting my hedge fund managing FWB next week. Found him on there. The women are in charge, it's really refreshing!

Mr Irish date set for about 10 days time, Mr Caring is barely messaging now so I'm letting him lapse and have sent first messages to a few others so see what I can find.

Another FWB possible who I was messaging but never met last time I was on OKC has got in touch. He now lives very very near me, so he mightbe my Sunday afternoon delight ...

I've not used AFF but have only had positive experiences of Fab. Good luck!

I've just discovered this thread. Can i join in please?

I am having a bit of a dilemma with someone I have been seeing for about 5 months. We meet up most weekends and keep in touch most days.

I think I pushed my luck the other day cause I asked him what his thoughts on dating vs relationship and when he thought one led in to the other. I did say I was asking a loaded question and it was just to air my thoughts as I really like him and wasn't asking for anything else just now (but no one ever listens to that) he said he wasn't sure what he wanted but was happy how things are going and he wasn't seeing anyone else.

Well since then he's been 'online' on pof a lot and I think it's my prodding that has sent him running back to it :-(. I opened my big mouth.

It's not like me to be such an emotional bag of nerves but I've felt sick and anxious since. I'm just waiting to hear he's suddenly busy this weekend aka going on a date with someone else.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the pain.

@Scottishlassie81 what is it you want from him? would you like to be in an exclusive relationship with him? If so, the fact he is on POF isn't a goof sign, the question wouldn't scare away a man who was truly interested in being in a relationship with you and only you.

When you say he is on pof a lot, are you both on it then?

What brought you round to asking about dating v relationship? Were you hinting that you wanted to make things official?

@Scottishlassie81 in all honesty I'd say if he was feeling the same as you are then he'd have used the opportunity to say so and move things forward. I knew early on with my bf that I wasn't interested in anyone else. Didn't mean I fell head over heels in love with him, just that while things were going well with him I had no interest in shopping around for anyone else. We had the convo after about 5 weeks of dating and deleted all our dating profiles, he was on the same page in that we didn't need to rush into any massive declarations of love or commitments for life but at the same time we lost interest in anyone else and wanted to see where things went between us.
We're 6 months in now and we've openly talked about about wanting a future together although are still taking things slow (ish!)

Everyone moves at different paces but after 5 months I think you're well within your rights to be asking that question and wanting some reassurance as to what you are. The fact that you're both still on the apps suggests it's still more a FWB type set up than an actual boyfriend/ girlfriend situation is that right??
You can't control how he responds, he may see it as a more temporary/ casual thing or he might just not be very good with saying how he feels but I think you need to decide what you want and then have a proper chat with him and be open and honest about how you feel. Don't feel stupid for feeling the way you feel, any decent man will respect you for being open. Have the chat and bear in mind he's perfectly entitled to want something different to you but at least you can then choose how you move forward with that information.
If you don't want the same things then you may need to be prepared to walk away. "Really liking" someone shouldn't mean you have to sacrifice your own needs/ wants just to keep the other person happy and in truth if you saying what you want sends him running back to PoF then you're really better off without him.

I was just feeling well more feelings towards him and wanted to open the discussion.

I still have a profile on pof and I went on it to stop getting so many of those silly alerts. I noticed him online now I am checking a lot to see if he's online and it's driving me nuts.

We are both still free to do what we want just now but he did state he was seeing only me. Seems that's about to change :-S.

@wishywashy6 sound advice, thank you, and just along the lines of what my friend has said, you are both wise and it all makes logical sense I guess I am just hoping for a different outcome. He's not walked away after the discussion we did have and we have been on a date since.

I think he is more laid back and is definitely not a planner. He admits that. He rarely plans a week ahead.

Posting from ms storms bed - she’s had to nip out. Spontaneous visit last night as we were both missing each other and then today was actually arranged in advance. Then going out on the weekend to meet her bff.

She is bloody magnetic 😍

beyond 👍
Starting to feel a bit down now about fact exclusive bf still hasn’t dtd with me again 🙄

stains it was a beer at the pub, not a can of special brew out his rucksack ahah at the thought of that.

Well, I thought about it and my issue with mr.lawyer was not with his attractiveness, it was with how fast he moved... it went from a quick coffee date one then date two, a 30 min car ride and 15 minutes into the walk he practically tried to kiss me which put me on edge for the rest of the walk thinking he might do it again, even though I enjoyed when he held my hand across the bogs and what not.

However, I am not going to get the chance to discuss that with him/assure him that it wasnt that I wasn't attracted because after a slow petering out of messages he's gone awol anyway and I don't double message. I've gone back to POF and have a couple guys I am talking to, more my own age.

Going to have to really start working on not over investing because I already miss talking to mr.lawyer. Sigh.

@CocoKoko123 how long have you been seeing him?

@Scottishlassie81 how do you think you'd feel if he did go on a date with someone else? Would you be ok with that? Would you be open to dating others at the same time?
I think it's important to set your own boundaries and stick to them. Don't put up with things the way they are if you're not happy with them just because you're scared of him running away. Let him run if it's making you feel sick and anxious, that's not how it's meant to feel!

wishywashy6 I am kinda hoping if my instincts are right and he is arranging another date that he gets ghosted. It happens to my pal a lot and hes a nice guy.

Then I feel awful for wishing that.

scottishlassie I couldn't live with that level of uncertainty and just...disrespect? If he wants to f**k about, why can't he just say it. People need to learn to get out of the bath without a hot towel waiting for them. It's weak. Why are you hanging around for this?

@Scottishlassie81 but why? Does that make you his fall back option? Are you happy being that?

@wishywashy6 I didn't think about it til he said he wasn't seeing anyone else. Now it seems it's on the cards I might have scared him.

Boys! In whiny girl voice 'I want him to pick me' :-/

I understand I am being irrational and hoping for the best.

@Scottishlassie81 without wanting to sound harsh, I think you need to have some more self confidence and sense of your own worth. Don't wait for any man to 'pick you'. If he hasn't already made it clear that it's you he wants then I'd personally be picking someone else 🤷🏼‍♀️
Why on earth would you want a man boy who just sees you as an option rather than a priority?
I'd rather be single than all the game playing and second guessing

Some Matthew Hussey goodness for you scottishlassie

scottishlassie As much as I despise using Mumsnet terminology, please don’t end up bending backwards doing the pick me dance with him. Don’t compromise on what you want and what you believe in a relationship just to keep him there.

I think his reaction has said it all. This was his opportunity to hold you and set you at ease and make sure you were on the same page going forward and to be honest he kind of skirted around it and half answered which wasn’t great. There will be many more men to call and text and hang out with - he’s showing you who he is now by going on PoF again, maybe he is scared but you need to have that conversation with him or you’ll be forever wondering. Don’t let it drag on or you be even unhappier with the situation! Good luck :)

wishy have pm’d you as don’t want to out myself x

Hi all, a quick update from me.

Firstly, thanks to everyone who gave me help with my profiles. I'm now satisfied that the content of my profile is at least decent and is a fair reflection of me.

It's been about a week since I rejoined POF and reloaded Bumble:

On Bumble today I had my first right swipe (in a week). Unfortunately this lady was just not for me. She spent her profile talking about mushrooms and described her favourite dish as chicken and chips. As a vegetarian, I feel we weren't hugely compatible, and I didn't feel any great attraction.

On POF, my profile has had a few views and even a few messages. I'm fairly used to getting messaged by fake profiles that disappear shortly after. They are the ones with profile pictures of bikini models clearly in their early 20s whilst their age is stated as somewhere in their mid 30s. Their messages generally only consist of "hi" or "hey there". Occasionally you get lucky and are greeted with a "hey big boi", normally spelt like that.

I actually, it turns out, received three such messages ("hi" not "hello big boi") from real people! Of course, I had completely ignored them anticipating that they were fake profiles. Looking again, however, I just don't feel any are for me. One of the women in question has only one profile pic, her face in ultra close-up, and her bio talks of how miserable she is.

The other lady lives in London, I don't anymore, and again I just don't feel an attraction. The final one lives in Austin, Texas, and that seems like a bit too long-distance.

So that wasn't so much a quick update, but at least I had something to report this time!

Hey Dan89 thanks for the update, it's always nice to hear how people are getting on.

Could I ask with the first one on Bumble, was the vegetarian thing more an added excuse as to why you weren't compatible? My ex, we dated for two years was a vegetarian and as much as it was annoying having to have separate pizzas and mine going on the bottom shelf of the oven as it wasn't allowed to drip onto hers 😂 it didn't mean we were incompatible. It was something I embraced and enjoyed trying her dishes she made. Good times thinking about it now!

Are you on Tinder? I always think of that as the go-to dating website. Maybe you should try OKCupid as that's where I met the ex from the above paragraph!

You know what I never even considered that I should feel more self worth and if someone doesn't want me that's their loss. That's been quite a jolt for me and is really making me think.

Just wish it didn't come with all the harsh feelings too.