Dating Thread 146 - Swipe Left Swipe Right

[MyOldBrainStoppedWorking]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

confused I’m glad you found us.

You are massively over investing in this man. His behaviour sounds awful. You were a shag to him and not a relationship. And not even the only person he was shagging by the sounds of things. Getting his knob out in the car park was vile.

What he thinks of you is irrelevant. Whether he sees you in a dating app or not is of no consequence.

Park this is a bad experience and learn from it. Set your standards. Talk to a number of people.

In a couple of weeks time you will be speaking to more men. Hopefully had some dates and you will be able to see this man for what he is.

You haven’t ghosted him. You have ended your causal sexual relationship.

confused I understand all the ruminating, it's awful and hard to stop! But that's evidence to me that this guy isn't a very nice guy, if he was you would know where you stand and wouldn't be so confused and anxious. Instead, you're blaming yourself for his shoddy behavior and thinking about him when he's not extending you the same courtesy. I don't have much experience dating but I do have experience of being involved with a grade A asshole. What I did when leaving my ex-narc was watch tons of videos about these kind of men, I particularly like HG Tudor, Kim Wilson TV, Melanie Tonia Evans. Husseys great I think if you are trying to catch a guy but with this one I think you need a slight perspective adjustment - ie: trying to exorcise him out of your mind and avoid ones like this in future! x

@notcoolmum
Thank you for your message. I’ve been sitting here literally just about to call him before I read your message. I can’t believe how crap I actually feel! It’s so silly! I just keep thinking of the ‘good’ bits for some reason and sugar coating the other stuff by thinking I’ve made it sound worse than it is x

Confused we've all been there so don't feel you're being silly. I felt like it was a completely different mindset I had to get into when doing OLD - it's hard for someone who is well-mannered and a bit of a people pleaser!

Try and distract yourself, you won't get any answers from him

Thanks batshit, I am so glad I got over my fear and jumped in the pool now! Gotta now keep talking to others so I don't over invest, although its really coming across like he already has! Think I'll just go on tinder for now since he doesn't have it (or any social media - I like THAT). Just have to deal with all these 30 something faces that look nice but don't want.

@singleascheeseslice
Yes I’ve watched some of those when I was getting over my ex narc also. Was only with him for 7 years but I nearly went mad. That’s why I stayed on my own for 4 years and told everyone that that was it for me....and I honestly believed it. I can not believe I am bad feeling like this again. Honestly I was just SO close to calling him as I thought I’d have closure, but I’m not too sure I would. He’d probably either make me feel like a complete lunatic, or make me feel completely like I don’t know where I stand.
I think just the way I am I hate thinking that I’ve come across as a cold hearted cow 🐮 to him because I’m not. I just reacted to his ‘yes I still go on now and again to answer messages’. I just thought that he may have text a bit later to ask what the hell was wrong lol. X

It’s not easy confused I was single for 7 years. Started old last summer and started speaking to someone who I met at the end of September. We had such a romantic start I thought we were destined to be together. And I totally overlooked how he was treating me. How he was making me feel. That I was analysing his messages. Sat around waiting to hear from him and generally feeling rubbish.

Thanks to this thread I’d carried on dating. Without this thread I’d have assumed we were a relationship even though we never had the conversation and I know he stayed on tinder and as his location changed was still using it. And then I met someone who didn’t make me feel insecure, who rings me, texts me and it feels so different.

I’ve come off the apps, stopped watching Matthew Hussey videos on a loop and feel more normal about things.

Does anyone have any recommendations for paid apps? Willing to throw some money at it if it sorts the wheat from the chaff...

@notcoolmum haha...I’ve also had Matthew Hussey on loop. Why is he not available??!!
I have such a headache from thinking about this guy today. It’s horrific! Deep down I think I knew he just wanted sex, he asked if I was on the pill before we met, I said I’d come off it due to being on my own for four years, and he said it’s probably a good idea to go back on lol.
So yeah, I kind of knew he just wanted sex a lot, but then when he said stuff like ‘we can go watch Micky Flanagan’ etc I thought ‘ah see, he must like me’. And then he goes and gets his knob out in a car park. An hour before that in another car park (yes we went to a few for some reason) he was trying to get me to straddle him in the driving seat! It was still daylight!!! And then there was a man walking his dog who walked right past the car and waved at me!!! So THANK GOD I put my foot down and didn’t do it. It was because I once told him about doing it in the car, but I didn’t mean on our third date! On our first date he wanted me to go out with no underwear on! Well that didn’t happen but he did check!!!
But when we got to the pub he knew some of the bouncers so he chatted for about 30 seconds, I’d had a wine so chatted to them then, turned around expecting him to be there and he had gone off without me into the pub to the bar. I went ‘oh ok’ and the bouncers even commented ‘you stay out here with us luv’ lol x

Haha @MIA12 That made me chuckle.

confused wow we have very similar stories! I think for many of us who have attracted Narcs, we just have traits which that make us so much more susceptible for attracting another one! I know you don't feel like this now but you've dodged a bullet, and the next one won't get so far through the net, eventually, your narc radar will be finely tuned. Don't stop looking for someone capable of real love and affection because of this punk. Continuing on will be what makes you feel better in the long run! x

confused the more you tell us the worse he sounds. Block, delete and move on! Have you joined tinder yet? (Dont be surprised to see him on there - but under NO circumstances swipe right!!)

@TooOldForThis67 I don't think it's abnormal to ask why one doesn't drink. TBH all the ones I've chatted to in the past tended to be on the 12 step program and I stayed well away given my ex is an alcoholic but I'm sure there are the odd few who just don't drink out of choice.

@singleascheeseslice Yes I’ve heard that. My first one was when I was 18 (I’m now 37) and I still have nightmares. He changed me massively and a therapist said I have PTSD because of him. Since then I keep getting the same sort, slightly different but sill not good! The last one I had used to keep ending it with me, have me pleading with him to take me back (even when he was the one messaging and god knows what else with others), ignoring me, and then as I started to get strong he’d swoop in and take me back. This happened so many times over the seven years, always before birthdays, holidays, Christmas etc too. The last time was two days before we went on a family holiday to Disney World Florida. Somewhere I’d wanted to go my whole life!! So he ended it two days before but didn’t tell anyone so I had to pretend everything was fine. We went with my daughter, his three children and his parents! It was horrific!!! He was horrible! I tried to get back with him and got a definite no, then as soon as I started being strong he would come and cuddle me or get into bed with me etc! He even turned on his eldest daughter as she stuck up for me at one point as she realised he was being vile! So that was it for me. I somehow managed to be strong and walk away! Year and a half later this random MARRIED woman messaged me to say she has been have sexual messages with him and to let me know he has had a stroke! (He is fine now!) Jeez!!!
So anyway, I stayed away from men because of all this, so I did start to worry with this one that maybe I was looking for bad things??!! X sorry for long post x

@notcoolmum
No I haven’t. I have it downloaded but something is stopping me from joining! X

I prefer Tinder as you can take your time to message. None of this he/she is always online. You only match with people you like the look of. Ok getting a LTR is unlikely but that's true of all the apps. It's kismet to meet the ONE wherever you find yourself I think.

I stayed away from men for 4 years too @confused and resumed attracting complete assholes immediately!!

It’s so bloody tiring!!! Just want a nice man!!!!!! X

Today has been by far the hardest not to text or call him! I can’t explain how close I’ve come! Lol x

@Confusedlady21 can i asked what exactly you liked about this dude? and what did you think you were getting from it all? It sounds like he was an idiot from the very start. He honestly sounds horrible

confused wow what a horror! Classic narc though spoiling what should be a happy occasion and sensing when you were getting away and reeling you back. Well done for getting free from his grasp!

And, you/we should be looking for bad things or rather red flags. We need to be on high alert! When I started chatting to this guy, I went back and re-watched everything I could about red flags because narcs come in many guises. I highly recommend doing that when you get chatting to the next date. x

@helpmeoutout
Good question lol. For me, it’s always so, so important that someone makes me laugh. That is more important to me than looks, as actually, I probably wasn’t that physically attracted to him at the beginning. So he really made me laugh and we just kind of clicked, so we were texting everyday etc before we met. However, the talk did turn sexual quite quickly so I should have realised!
So when we met, I don’t know really, I’d probably made it into something more in my head than it was, because he made me laugh. And I think I probably went with the sex stuff (not that I didn’t enjoy it, but with my last ex everything was based around sex!!) so I probably just thought that he would like me more? Also the comment he made before he went away on the boys weekend of ‘well shouldn’t you be having sex with me before I go if you’re worried I’ll go off with someone’ and also him saying that he wanted to see me the day before he went (when this all kicked off!!) so that I could ‘send him off with a smile’ all made me think.
Argh! I don’t know. I get invested quickly due to my past, my sister says I have hardly any self respect because of what’s happened and my parents say for years and years I’ve put the blame of things that have happened on myself. So I guess I just met this guy, thought all was good, and then bam! Blamed myself! But boy I feel hurt right now! X

@singleascheeseslice
Yep he was awful. Only time he would be really nice is when he literally broke me and I was sat on the floor crying. Or once I was strong after he ended it with me before an important course I was going on for work, he was meant to be coming up with me and staying in the hotel, and he was so shocked when I drove the 6 hour journey on my own without him. He COMPLETELY panicked. Was calling me at 4am in the morning saying he was going to drive up etc. I told him no! Then when I got back from day one of my course I walked in to the room to a bottle of wine which he had called the reception to put in my room! He was calling me crying and all sorts for the next few days. We got back together and within about two days he was back to normal. I asked him once why he did that and he said ‘well that’s what people do when they are trying to get back with someone!’ Towards the end of the relationship we stopped having sex, so I woke up one night to him having tied my feet to the bed and was trying to have sex with me asleep! I was so shocked that I didn’t say anything just pretended to wake up a bit. He would stop and then start again!! Until he thought I was close to waking up! I told him I knew he did it (when we broke up) and asked him why, and he said ‘well if I’d asked you to have sex when you were awake you would have said no’! Nice!!!! No wonder I have bloody issues!!! Lol x

I wouldn’t assume that if someone doesn’t drink that they are a recovering alcoholic. I don’t drink because I don’t like drinking, I don’t like the taste of it and I don’t like how it changes people so I tend to stay away from it (I have a drink very occasionally but it’s one rather than 5).