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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating Thread 146 - Swipe Left Swipe Right

999 replies

MyOldBrainStoppedWorking · 28/01/2019 12:29

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

OP posts:
leonasa · 01/02/2019 12:00

Confused and Love, yes agreed, when I started dating I met a guy who turned things very sexual very quickly, talked a lot about wanting to meet up, made a date, then persuaded me to send him pics/engage in a video session and then totally forgot about the date! I felt like an idiot and wondered if I'd been catfished for photos that might end up god knows where. I think now he was probably in a relationship. Live and learn... 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm on a bit of a do I text/don't I text thing with Mr GoodHair today, last communication was Thursday night which I instigated and also ended but during which he said lots of nice things about our time together and wanting to see me again. He didn't text yesterday and neither did I. Today he goes away for 6 days so I was thinking about sending him a "have a good time" text but I also really want him to be the one to text me this time! But then is that just game playing?? We have previously gone 48-72 hour periods or slightly more without texting. He also has got a busy week on and has got a kid, I have had quite a quiet one working at home with lots of time to think! ☺️

I read WishyWashy's advice last night about if it is giving you anxiety then it's not right and that got me all worried... but then I am generally quite anxious at this stage and also my last relationship was with an emotionally abusive lovebombing twat and was quite traumatic so I am particularly hyper vigilant I think...

Confusedlady21 · 01/02/2019 12:04

@leonasa
Same for me! I’ve been in a couple of emotionally abusive relationships and I think that’s why I’m not coping at all with this!
One minute I’m thinking what a twat for not texting etc, and then the next I’m thinking ‘oh my god what if it’s because of what I said, and I should explain to him’. So I know exactly where you are coming from! You are not game playing, you are trying to protect yourself but either way it makes you feel like crap! Just like me! Xx I keep looking on what’s app and he is on there loads and I’m like ‘just text me!!!!’ Lol xx

Lovemusic33 · 01/02/2019 12:31

shit I was on adult friend finder, it’s a bit different than POF Grin, I was curious to what it was all about so set up a profile, although some of the profiles are a bit weird (lots of dick pics) there are a few genuine people who are just looking for a regular FWB rather than a fetish’s partner. I met I lovely guy in there who I met up with but sadly he has now moved away, he was genuine and was just looking for a regular FWB after he had been in a long relationship.

supercali77 · 01/02/2019 13:14

Recommendation : Get him off yer whatsapp @confused - if you want to get over a man delete him from your life. It feels a bit excessive at first but then it's just sweet release

supercali77 · 01/02/2019 13:16

I am over invested guys. The doc i'm meeting on sunday is funny. My type. Interesting. And good pals with my pal. I'm meeting her tonight. I feel like i'll fuck it up being weird and overly keen - give me any words of wisdom ya got! Because i've also blanked some other potential irons stupidly throwing all my eggs in the basket. Breaking the cardinal rules etc

helpmeoutout · 01/02/2019 13:20

Catching up with teh thread...

Definitely do not contact him @Confusedlady21 and also I know you said you have not experienced a proper relationship in a while (or at all? i've forgotten now), but if the guy isn't interested in actually getting to know you as a person then it is likely he just wants sex. If the conversation heads towards sex almost from the off! and he is doing things like getting his knob out in the car, then he is not looking at you as a long term thing, I know others may disagree but this is just what I think. I think this is okay (although also quite sickening) if you are up for that sort of thing too, but if you are not, then do not confuse that with a guy actually liking you.

I think it was wishywashy who mentioned that that with her current iron things were jsut smooth, she never worried about who text back or texting a million times a day, this is what I have now with my current iron and it's only now that I am learning what it is actually like to be in a mature and reciprocating relationship. It's taken me a long while to get here, but if you are having these anixety like feelings then this guy is not the one for you and does not deserve an ounce of your time.

The worst thing of all is that guys like him have already probably moved on and don't give a shit about how you're feeling right now. That for me used to hurt the most! You just have to pick yourself up, get back out there carrying this new found knowledge as you move forward.

We are always here too Smile

Confusedlady21 · 01/02/2019 13:25

Thank you! I know, I think that’s what is hurting that he obviously doesn’t care, that and the fact I still think maybe I shouldn’t have asked and have pissed him off!!! Argh!!!
I just need to lick my wounds for a bit and hope I don’t bump into him as we live quiet close! Normally I never bump into anyone I’ve been in a relationship with (I know we weren’t I just mean in general) as they have always lived away! X

BatshitCrazyWoman · 01/02/2019 13:36

confused I agree with Sidge - block and delete him everywhere and maybe work on your boundaries. Also, I'm a bit perturbed by your use of the word 'easy' to describe what he might think of you. Firstly a woman who has sex when she wants to with whoever she wants to isn't easy. Secondly, who gives a fuck what a toe rag like him thinks?!

I found one of my FWBs on OKC, and another on a swinging site. Recommend the swinging site actually, much more upfront, the men are more respectful (women tend to have their pick on there). I am really, really choosy - my FWB was something high up in banking - brains as well as wit do it for me!

leonasa · 01/02/2019 13:38

Sorry Wednesday night last contact, thurs night would not be giving him much time! 😆

supercali77 · 01/02/2019 13:54

re: Easy women - let's take a minute to appreciate the brilliance of the Samantha Jones approach to sex.

Dating Thread 146 - Swipe Left Swipe Right
helpmeoutout · 01/02/2019 13:58

I agree with all of the above, if you want to go out and have sex then go ahead and do it. Only thing I would say (here comes mum mode...) is not to invite them to your house on a first date or really early on, just in case they turn out to be a bit weird. I know in practicallity for a lot of FWB seeking women this can be a bit tricky, but maybe if that's not possible then tell a friend that he is coming over, just so that someone can check on you.

Confusedlady21 · 01/02/2019 13:58

Sorry! I didn’t mean to offend anyone using the word ‘easy’. I don’t think of any woman as that. I think it’s just because a few times he joked that I was a ‘hussy’ for sleeping with him on the first date. Even though he was joking I think I’m just so insecure I started worrying about it x

supercali77 · 01/02/2019 14:00

@confused - You had to ask. If not now then sometime later. You can't have some man chatting other women up while he's sleeping with you when you're interested in more. This was a GOOD thing you did for yourself! If you take anything, take that. And if you follow it up by moving on - no looking back (you'll do it) - it's a sweet victory for your self-esteem

helpmeoutout · 01/02/2019 14:01

Goodness! sounds like he was a prick from the very beginning. Right! Calling you a hussy is not a joke, and any decent man would understand why. Please just get him out of your mind and refer to rule number 2 of the thread.

supercali77 · 01/02/2019 14:01

I'm not offended....Why doesn't it surprise me he used derogative terms for a woman who was up for having sex. Eye Roll.

Confusedlady21 · 01/02/2019 14:09

Like I said I think he was joking, as he knew that I hadn’t slept with anyone before him for 4 years and I think he knew I’d let my standards slip a little with him for doing it so soon! But still made me think!!

Well I haven’t text him! And I’ve downloaded a different dating app....not gone on it yet as I still do feel a bit guilty! Lol! Maybe tonight! :-) x

leonasa · 01/02/2019 14:10

OMG I can't believe he said that! That is really not on him making that "joke", bloody hell, he did it too so what does that make him if that is his view?

You are definitely better off without that guy Confused.

I'm focusing on rule 7 of the thread today, I am the prize, he needs to impress me, and if he doesn't text in a timely manner (given
that he's travelling and it is snowing so he may be having nightmares he has till tomorrow morning) then I will not be impressed AT ALL and he would have to work very hard if he wants me to consider seeing him again.

Tonight I'm going out so I'm going to dress up and get my flirt on IRL!

Confusedlady21 · 01/02/2019 14:12

@leonasa Yes do it!!!! Go have bloody fun! We are thinking WAY too much about these men!!!! I’m exhausted!!!! X

supercali77 · 01/02/2019 14:15

Many a veiled insult is dressed up as a joke - or some similar saying. I've had men do or try that....well stockings guy did it. He dressed up his upset at me not wearing them (for long enough in his eyes) as a joke. No good. There's enough social and cultural history of women being shamed and humiliated around sex for me to not find 'jokes' at a woman's sexual expense funny at all.

supercali77 · 01/02/2019 14:16

leonasa - YASSSS! I'm out on the cocktails tonight too. Enjoy!

supercali77 · 01/02/2019 14:18

Soz, i'm a bugger for multi-posting - but @confused - Excellent choice (new dating app). Go get em x

Confusedlady21 · 01/02/2019 14:20

@supercali77
Yes there were a few things, like the hussy thing, then if I didn’t want to send a picture he would say I’m all talk etc, or maybe he won’t pick me up for our next date, then when he was going to be going away for the weekend I said to him ‘right well we aren’t sleeping together until you get back’ as I felt like maybe that’s all he wanted...and he said ‘well that makes no sense. Shouldn’t you want to sleep with me to get me to think about it to come back to you?’ Or something along those lines! All was said in a ‘joke’ but I think alarm bells started ringing a little! X

supercali77 · 01/02/2019 14:30

@Confused So he made jokes designed to shame you into doing what he wanted. Women can't win with men like this. If you deny then you're a prude/dick tease. If you give - you're a hussy/whore/slut. He's got the Madonna/Whore complex. Honestly right about now you have every right to be thanking your lucky stars this bozo has moved on

Confusedlady21 · 01/02/2019 14:39

@supercali77 I think I just always focus on the nice stuff rather than anything else, and that’s what is making me feel so crap now. Argh!!! It’s so crap!!!!!! X

Eesha · 01/02/2019 14:52

@Confusedlady21 maybe draw a line under it and learn from your mistakes next time. So many here have had such experiences but if you learn from it, you will be much happier. This bloke sounds a user and a loser, you deserve much better