Dating Thread 146 - Swipe Left Swipe Right

[MyOldBrainStoppedWorking]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

On the back of this topic this morning, I'm sat working from home watching He's Just Not That Into You, to remind myself what normal dating behaviours are like and why we shouldn't accept any old rubbish just because they show us a bit of attention!

@apple841 I have no idea what normal behaviours are like as I’ve never had a normal relationship! Lol!
I just wish I could switch off this bit of my brain which is blaming myself for all this lol x

confused you’ve had good advice on here from others but just wanted to echo them and say DON’T TEXT him. I know it hurts and it sucks but he really isn’t worth wasting your mental energy on-if he was a decent person he’d have messaged you or at least offered an explanation.He hasn’t and I doubt you texting him will make any difference - will just boost his ego further.

Yes as above have said - DO NOT TEXT THIS MAN. The easiest way to do this is to go now and delete everything. His phone number. His messages. All communication so you have no way to do it in a weak moment. Once that's done your brain will stop circling around wondering whether you should or shouldn't - I agree - write a cathartic letter on here or on your phone and send it off into the universe.

He has also got pictures of me which is has probably showed everyone! 😳 But that’s what tipped me over the edge to ask him about what he was doing! He actually took pictures of me during certain, ahem, activities, and yet is still replying to messages of ‘hey, how’s your day been?’ Not too great in my eyes! Lol x

ConfusedLady21 In that case I definitely recommend you watch this movie. Although it does show women as needing to be continually chased and needing validation through men, it has a pretty strong message.

Every friends instinct is to tell you nice reasons why he hasn't been in touch, but this movie actually teaches you sometimes they're just not that into you. And there's nothing at all wrong with that, it gives you the chance to meet the one that is right for you.

Don’t worry, I won’t text him, as I’ve said I would have by now. Just hurts! I need a good slap! X

@apple841 I saw it many years ago when I first starting dating the person I was with for 7 years in the end. Watched it at the beginning of that relationship as he was also messaging other women etc. I let all that go and it ended up, 7 years later, we didn’t work out suprisingly!! So that’s why I stayed single for 4 bloody years, only to now have this! Which is why I think sometimes ‘am I looking for something bad that isn’t there?’
I won’t text him though! X

Yes Confused don't text. I agree best to delete and block.

If you are going to text, make sure it is only to tell him he is a complete twat! I must admit, once or twice I have gone that route, one guy I dated a few times and slept with and then he ghosted me completely, I did send him an email telling him his behaviour was disgusting and really unnecessary, it did not make me feel better at the time I have to say but overall I don't regret it.

But if there is any chance your message would be apologetic, and it seems like it would be, don't even go there. Reading your post about him taking pictures of you, that does really seem like he was taking advantage and is just not a nice person, to be doing that and also texting away to others. That is just extremely disrespectful, and you are absolutely better off without him. I'm sorry he has made you feel like this but you have actually dodged a bullet here.

@confusedlady21 consider yourself slapped!

I know it hurts, I know you want some “closure”, BUT YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET IT. He’s a tool, looking at your “dates” he just wanted company and sex. Honey, he ain’t worth the angst and brainpower you’re allowing him.

Delete his number, his messages, his email, whatever contacts you have for him. Then you can’t message him and can’t keep torturing yourself with the maybes and what ifs.

Take a break and then get back on the apps and find someone who actually makes an effort for you.

Morning all. I have my first date today at lunch with mr. lawyer. He seems eager, he asked to meet after 2 days talking, is driving 30 miles to me, keeps saying he can't wait to meet me etc... These are good signs right? I have to remember that its for ME to see that I like him and not just get him to like me. Fgs, my people pleasing trait is raising its ugly head again.

He hasnt asked for my number all of now, if it was me I'd want it incase anything went wrong on the way. Is this normal? We just chat on the app atm. He does seem to be following some kind of formula, is there a Matthew Hussey equivalent for them. God I'm overthinking, sorry for the ramble.

Confused I can see why you are upset about the photos, hopefully despite him being a total dick he won’t share them, sharing them will just make him look like a complete wanker. I have stupidly sent photos and let people take photos of me and then felt really stupid about it afterwards wondering who they have shown. We all learn from our mistakes, it’s one big learning curve.
The best way to move on is to get yourself back out there and find a new iron (or 3).

single good luck with your lunch date, sometimes it’s better to get the first date over with before talking for ages, I have had a few like that where we hadn’t exchange numbers and they have probably been the best kind of dates and expectations were not high. I met Mr South Africa after only exchanging a few messages and was pleasently surprised when I met him as I didn’t get my hopes up as I didn’t really know what to expect. I just look at the first date as a kind of friendly interveiw 😁

i think I was just looking at the good stuff like, He did text me good morning, and good night etc nearly every day as well which made me think....maybe I’m being a bit harsh?! And things like saying ‘we could go to a comedy club etc’ But then when I look at our ‘dates’ they have mainly been about sex.
First ever date, he came here and then we went out to a pub, but came back early...and had sex.
Next day mum offered to have my daughter again, so I text him saying this and did he want to do something, to which he replied ‘well I might have something on, but if not shall we just get a take out and film’ which we did, then had sex.
3rd date He was picking me up as mum and dad had My daughter here, so he text saying ‘I’ll have to tidy up then if we are coming here’ so I replied ‘we don’t have to go back to yours!!’ And he replied saying ‘where can we go then???’ So we went for food (Well it was closed at first so we parked up the road and he got his penis out and wanted a blow job....I didn’t!) And then we went for food. Then I hadn’t even finished my drink and he said ‘come on then let’s go’ and we went to his and had sex!
Fourth date - he came to mine once the football had finished, we had a take out, dvd and sex!
And the last date was the one I just described before about taking him food etc as he was ill, we watched a film (didn’t really talk through it even though I kept trying to and saying ‘let’s get to know each other better) and we had sex again. Then he went straight back to watching the film and that’s when I asked about him being on the dating site! also on this date said ‘last time you came here you waited ten minutes before you had to leave to have sex with me, we could have had hours!’

So that’s that! lol
I’m not one that needs huge extravagant dates at all, and flashing money about means nothing to me as what’s more important to me is paying attention to each other. Sorry again for the massive message! I’m just trying to get myself to see things differently too! Lol x

@shitwithsugaron I think if you put that you would be inundated with messages! Lol!

shit my headline thingy on POF used to read “looking for fun” I was bombarded with messages from people looking for sex. You could write something in your profile that indicates your looking to meet new people but not in a hurry for a relationship (kind of code for “happy with a FWB until the right person comes along”), there are also sites for people just looking for FWB, I have been on one and actually found it to be much better than regular dating sites as people are much more honest about what they are looking for.

confused he was obviously in it for the sex , all your dates involved having something to eat and then a shag. Someone getting their dick out in the car and expecting a blow job would put me off straight away, fine with someone you have been in a relationship with for quite a while but not fine with someone you have just started dating, I would have told him to fuck off there and then.

@lovemusic33
Yeah I know, I think I got dragged into sexting with him quite early on....which I’m usually very reserved about until I know someone well, so not sure why I did, and told him certain things, which is why I think he did what he did in the car as probably thought I was easy!
When he used to ask for pictures I initially said no but he would say things like ‘tease’ and ‘youre all talk’ etc so I ended up sending SOME. But he would then always ask for something different, and I’d feel a bit crap then that the one I sent wasn’t quite good enough! I have noooo idea why I’m letting someone I hardly really know make me feel so utterly crap! Haha x

Thanks love that's reassuring. What happened with you and Mr South Africa? I'm new to the adventures of OLD so only just joined the thread the day I joined POF.

shitwith I've tried to find a FWB and failed. I put something like "looking for dates, fun and laughs" in my profile. So nothing explicit about what I wanted.
I did get quite a few offers but most just wanted to come over to my house that day. Then got funny with me when I said no.

Gonna read and catch up the thread now, but just has a three way video chat with ms storm and her mother to show me the snow..!! (and I am still in bed, goddess what must she think....?! )

confused I have been in that situation before, when I first started online dating it happened quite a bit, i now realise that someone who asks for photos that early on is probably just after one thing, or 2 things (sex and wanking material), they are playing a game.

single I was meant to have 2nd date with Mr South Africa today, our first date was really good, because we hadn’t exchanged many messages there were no expectations and there was loads to talk about, we found out we had a lot in common and although we grew up in different countries our childhoods were very similar. Our date was only meant to be a coffe/breakfast date but we ended up chatting for 5 hours, it was really relaxed and easy. I’m hoping the next date is the same but if it doesn’t work out that’s fine as I’m not over invested (we rarely message).
I had another great date a couple year ago with a man that messaged me on tinder and we met the next morning, he was on holiday near by and was struggling to find his way around, we spent half a day together and got on really well, sadly he lived to far away for a relationship.