Dating Thread 146 - Swipe Left Swipe Right

[MyOldBrainStoppedWorking]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

No I didn’t really assume, that’s why I brought it up at the time. I was a bit upset to hear he was still on there chatting as that’s just not me, but I also told him that I didn’t expect him not too, it’s just not my type of thing after 6 weeks of ‘dating’ and sleeping with each other. I mean, when these other women are messaging him asking ‘so, what have you been up to today?’ (As he said that’s all he was on there for to answer these messages), I doubt he replied with ‘well, I saw this woman again and we had a lot of sex. How’s your day?’
I’m more upset about the fact that after I left being obviously a little upset about the situation he hasn’t text me, not even to check I got home ok. I know he doesn’t owe me anything to do that, I’m just a little hurt as I really did start to like him.

Feel a bit silly now reading your reply lol x

Unfortunately I'm not going to see him for at least a week as he's going away, and I want to talk to him about it in person. I may just do some casual swiping until we have had the chat.

The good thing about having multiple irons in the fire is that it does stop you from over investing. But I struggle with it if I really like someone.

Had you spoken to the guy you were seeing about what you were both looking for etc? Was nothing else said about it at all after he said he had messaged some people back?

@Confusedlady21 I would echo what @wishywashy6 says and also add that whilst I think it is kind to want to look after him when he is sick by bringing food and medicine, it sounds like you were more like FWBs rather than gf/bf, he isn't entitled to special bf/gf type treats unless you've had that conversation discussing your status together. I think it's okay to just sleep together if that's all you want, but if deep down you know you want more than that, or you want some kind of exclusivity, then you have every right to ask what's going on. Also as soon as he said he was still on the app, that would've been a red flag because if he was in to you entirely I don't think he would have any business on the app replying to other people's message. Get back on the apps if that's what you want, and don't feel one ounce of guilt about it!!

@Confusedlady21 sorry didnt see your last message. Playing devil's advocate...if I'm just sleeping with a woman and I know i'm chatting (or replying) to other women and then she suddenly gets upset about this, then I would probably read it as you're being too clingy/attached. That might be why he pulled back and hasn't replied or see if you got home. He may have seen signs that you really liked him, and thought well this isn't going work anymore (because he still wants to chat to other women and have sex with you at the same time and of course you aren't happy with this).

Not excusing his behaviour at all! Just trying to figure out why he has ignored you after that incident.

Thanks. It’s just the type of person I am really to take things if people are ill lol. I wasn’t reading into anything, just being me.
And I completely get that it’s fine to just want to sleep with someone and nothing else, but it’s not what I want, and so I guess I’ve just been stung a bit that that’s all he thought of me. I’m here agonising over it all thinking it was my fault, and I probably haven’t even crossed his mind. Lovely! 😂 x

@helpmeout I REALLY didn’t want to come across as needy lol, but I’m sure now that’s what he is telling everyone. Well at least I haven’t given in and text him! So at least I’ve kept that bit of dignity!! Haha

@Confusedlady21 Yep!! Who cares what he thinks of you! If you know this isn't what you want, then hopefully it'll be easier to move on and you can take a lesson from this situation - try and be clear about what you';re both looking for as soon as you can.

I have found that in the past I have almost shied away from telling guys what I want. Instead i literally just go with the flow and don't say what I want. It has always resulted in me being hurt, this time I'm trying to be different.

@leonasa No nothing else was said. Then I had to go anyway....and I haven’t heard off him since. :-/ x

@helpmeout
Same here. My last relationship of 7 years started with him messaging other women. I let this go. For soooo long. I’ve also done it in relationships before that, and I always end up getting massively hurt and made to feel like I’m the one in the wrong, which is why I think I’ve actually not text him. Trying to be different. But it still hurts that I obviously didn’t mean that much to him! I just feel very stupid! X

@helpmeout I even said to him on our third date ‘I don’t think you’re looking to settle down ever are you?’ I just said it jokingly as just a feeling I got, to which he replied ‘yes, I definitely am!’
Not saying that he meant with me, but still, gives you slight hope you aren’t completely wasting your time. Honestly, from these replies I feel so flipping stupid now x

@Confusedlady21 I'm sorry I really didn't mean to make you feel silly!!
I do think his reaction is telling you more than the fact he's on the apps!
If he was feeling the same way then he'd want to reassure you not make you out to feel needy or a 'phone checking psycho' 😳
Get back on the apps, this thread helped me out in the early days of OLD so don't be afraid to ask anything!
And read and remember the rules at the top of the thread, they really do help!!

You are not stupid Confused! The dating game is just quite difficult to navigate. But the others are right, forget what he thinks and get back on the apps if you want to!

@wishywashy6 No it’s fine, it’s what I need I think (to feel silly) as for the last week I’ve been in tears thinking I’d messed up what could have been something great, when obviously he just wanted sex. So now I’m feeling a very different (and red faced) form of upset!
I will go back on a dating site I think but not quite yet lol. Have to compose myself again haha. How embarrassing! He probably thinks I’m so easy!! 🤭

@leonasa thank you. I just want to curl up in a ball right now out of embarrassment lol x

@Confusedlady21 who cares what he thinks! Did you enjoy the sex at the time? If yes then just look at it as you used him to get back in the saddle.....and he's equally as easy!

All I can say from my personal experience is that it all felt really easy from the start with the guy I'm with now (and I know others who have had success with OLD have said the same about the people they've ended up with) I know I could text him 200 times in a row (I don't btw!! 😳) and it wouldn't annoy him or piss him off or make him think I was some crazy wench. And same goes the other way round.
There's never been any anxiety or game playing, it's always felt really open and straight forward.

It's meant to be fun so if it stops being fun and is making you feel like crap or that you're to blame for the other persons behaviour then it's probably not right and it's time to move on to the next

@wishywashy6 Yeah I enjoyed, but only because I thought it was going somewhere lol.
I’m just soooooo glad now that I haven’t text him as I nearly text him apologising!!!!!

@Confusedlady21 oh no definitely don't do that! Well done for staying strong 💪🏼
You can't control other people's actions but you can control where you go next with it.
Just use it as a learning curve for next time

Argh help!!!! Woke up feeling the massive urge to text him again!!!! He STILL hasn’t bothered and it’s now been over a week! My god it’s upset me! I went to sleep last night feeling different and now feel like I need to text him again!!!!! Help!!! (I know I sound pathetic!!) lol x

Confusedlady don't do it. If he wanted to be in touch then he would've been.
Read back through the replies you've had on here. They make sense. You won't gain anything from texting him, just more frustration.
Write down what you think you might text. Put it aside then look at it later today. Think about what you want him to do if he gets in touch. You're unlikely to trust him again.

@myoldbrainstoppedworking
I know I shouldn’t, and I know I would probably feel worse if I did. I’m just so hurt that he hasn’t got in touch with me. Part of me thinks is he annoyed because of the way I left it or was he literally just using me for sex and has now moved on and forgotten all about me!! I just want him to text some acknowledgement of what has happened as we used to text each other quite a bit....yes, at every opportunity it steered towards sexual talk!! I’m just so hurt as I really did start liking him. I just don’t want to look like even more of an idiot by texting, which I probably will, however I still blame myself a bit! X

confused I wouldn’t be happy seeing him actively online after 6 weeks of dating. With me, if I like someone then I don’t really feel like chatting to anyone else or looking for anyone else, I have only been on one date with my iron and I have hardly been on POF since as I don’t feel the need to find more irons, I still chat to 2 people on WhatsApp but only really as friends.

My date with Mr Sounth African today is cancelled because I have kids home due to snow, he was fine about that, has messaged me a bit this morning and sent me a photo of the snow angel he made 🤣, hopefully we can rearrange a date for the weekend or next week. He seems really laid back, not sure if that’s good or bad but I’m not stressing over it.

@lovemusic33 Well that’s good that he is fine about it. Hope you get to rearrange soon!!
I just keep looking at my phone pleading with it to come up with a text from him!!! Absolutely gutted. I just feel like texting and saying ‘what the hell?!?!’ But I would come across as a right lunatic!! Haha x

@Confusedlady21 I think we've all been there. Unfortunately that's the world of OLD. My advice is to get yourself back online as a distraction or else ditch the phone for a while and do something nice for you.

@chocolate123 Yep I thought about going back on the dating site, and I did for about 20 minutes, but then felt so guilty I deleted my whole profile lol. I’d had bloody 1004 meet me’s too and I choose the guy who has now dropped me lol.
I did think about maybe going back on a different one but I just feel like he will think I’m a bit slutty if he sees I’ve gone on. X

@Confusedlady21 you need to stop thinking about him and focus on you. It used to shock me how uncaring they were. I was with a guy for 6 months we broke up because he wasn't ready for a relationship. Next day my friend seen him online looking for a relationship. It's tough out there .