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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Perks of living alone

164 replies

Gemmajump · 24/01/2019 23:09

Hiii!
I’ve just come out of a really shitty relationship and tomorrow me and my 3 year old are moving into our new home tomorrow (so technically i won’t be living alone haha)
I’m scared as I have never ever stayed in a house on my own (sorry I know I come across as a wet wipe) and I’m even more scared of being a single parent.
I’m so nervous so if anyone can give me any positives what I can keep reading that would be great!
Thankyou xxx

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 26/01/2019 14:50

no sulky silent moods
house is much cleaner
no shave clippings in the sink
spills in the oven bench etc I don't have to clean up
bed to myself
not being groped or woke up at 3am for sex
peace and quiet
don't have to answer to anyone

RoseOfSharyn · 26/01/2019 15:08

I ate dinner at 10:30 last night, sat in bed.

I've taken the kids out for lunch coz I couldn't be arsed to cook today.
We are now full of pub grub (and a pint) and about to have an afternoon nap, even though i have loads of housework to do....it can wait till I'm ready.

cafesociety · 26/01/2019 15:16

I didn't live with the person who has hurt me, but...

No more sulks, no more being told what is or isn't acceptable to say, no more digs at my family members, no more sneering and snipping at me, no more road rage, no more disparaging remarks, no more being ridiculed and my character isn't being diminished at every opportunity.

Peace. A bit too quiet but I'm working on it, and busy building a new life...as requested. I aim to please.

Cliff143 · 26/01/2019 18:30

Well I'm am sitting in bed with my heated blanket on, watching Gavin and Stacey, whilst eating hula hoops from my fingers.

My son is at his dad's for the night (I do miss him). Living just with my son and I is pure bliss. I love living just with my son as we have:-

freedom,
more independence,
We dance in the front room
Movie nights with popcorn
Eating cupcakes that me made for breakfast (occasionally)
Breathing and enjoying the sense of relief that I am not walking on egg shells
Not being criticised for not wanting to socialise every week
I've learnt to do lots of manual things bleeding the radiator, fixing door fixtures etc
Financially independent and knowing that all the bills have actually been paid
And every so often going to my "man friend's" house to have some loving.

It was difficult to adapt at first but now I can breathe and feel so much happier. One step at a time...

Racecardriver · 26/01/2019 18:32

You don’t have someone else’s shit lying around.

nevernotstruggling · 26/01/2019 19:26

Yy to everything but when I first separated not having exh obstruct everything was bliss. I mean everything....

From then on we said yes to every play date, social, activity class, outing because I could always be bothered for dd

Noodledoodlesandspud · 26/01/2019 19:29

I thought of another... No crazy pil. My Pil especially mil made my life hell. Now I don't have to deal with them!! we hardly saw them anyway but now exh has to put up with their visits not me!

nevernotstruggling · 26/01/2019 20:12

All of the in laws.....the adult ones. I miss the kids

Original poster
Gemmajump · 27/01/2019 00:50

Honestly thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
I actually lay in bed last night (with my son- I was never allowed to do that) and read all your replies. They made me feel so much more confident and have given me hope that things are going to get better.
I suffer from really bad anxiety and you have no idea how you have all helped me ❤️❤️

OP posts:
butterfly56 · 27/01/2019 01:53

Hi Gemmajump
So glad that you are feeling a lot more confident.
You may find that you anxiety gets easier to cope with now that you do not have to deal with the abusive ex.

What a great feeling it is though to be able to close your own front door and live the life that you want with your son!

Always remember to put yourself first always and take each day at a time which will help with you to cope with anxiety Flowers

JeezOhGeeWhizz · 27/01/2019 02:44

Placemarking.

nevernotstruggling · 27/01/2019 07:04

@Gemmajump your anxiety is going to start disappearing soon a promise x

@JeezOhGeeWhizz hey there and welcome. You ok?

Handbag101 · 27/01/2019 07:45

OP. You can do it and won't look back. I left my husband three months ago. I'm renting a lovely little flat and he stayed in the house. Like a previous poster said, the first month living along with daunting but now..... I am loving it and am. I do a slow cooker meal on a sunday and freeze the portions for the week ahead, bought a lovely new throw, rug and cushions yesterday, 20 mins to clean the whole place, watch TV..... the list is endless and you will thrive believe me. I'm going to get up soon and put up my new shower curtain. Treat yourself to little things to make your place look lovely. You'll get there. Keep us all posted.

This thread is ace by the way.

nevernotstruggling · 27/01/2019 08:23

And get rid of all the junk. Mentally and practically. Works wonders.

No one will tell you you're useless anymore

BlindTipsy · 27/01/2019 08:25

@Gemmajump You are amazing and you will be fine, I promise. And you have started an amazing thread! Reading everyone else's thoughts has really helped me to really identify the things that are better for me now too. I feel like I have reached another stage of healing so thank you 

@TheSecondMrsAshwell That is very true about the cats! Both mine now sleep on my bed (which they never did before) and I spend lots of nights contorted into the bit of space they leave for me Grin.

Noodledoodlesandspud · 27/01/2019 08:38

And another thing... Things get finished!! There were half finished DIY projects all over my house that h was always 'to tired to do'. I've done most of them in a week. And I finished painting the hallway yesterday. I always thought I couldn't do the 'man things' but I can!!
(I'm working raising 3 kids under 6 and doing all the housework etc, I'm bloody tired but I'm still getting more done than he ever did).

Op you can do it, I thought I couldn't but I can and I'm happy and you can do it too!

nevernotstruggling · 27/01/2019 08:53

When I was pg alone with dd2 I bought a superking so the kids and later the dog could take over my bed!

nevernotstruggling · 27/01/2019 10:04

No one says no to anything. I've got 4 kids in the house both dds had a friend to sleepover. I live in a tiny 2 bed!! It was really lovely and the kids had a great time.

Exh wouldn't have humours this. In fact exh behaved as if the kids having a social life was a once in a blue moon treat. I see it as entirely necessary and important. We have kids to play all the time and I never say no to invitations from other families unless we are already booked. I also find the more often you do them the less manic they are and they will tidy up when they are asked.

Whatsmore it gives me plenty of headspace to declutter the house! I ban them from downstairs and I clear the cupboards and batch cook with something in on the iPad it's fabulous!!

VioletCharlotte · 27/01/2019 10:36

@Gemmajump great to read your update and I'm so glad this thread is helping. It's not easy to start with, but just keep in mind you're a strong, independent woman and you're doing amazing!

A few weeks after splitting with my ex, I remember being at the park on a Sunday with my my two little DS. I can still recall the freedom of being able to stay out as long as I wanted with them, not be on tenderhooks, waiting for my mobile to ring, and it be my ex complaining about something or other, and having to rush home to pacify him Hmm

This morning I slept in til 9, had a shower and now I'm sitting on the sofa with a pain au chocolat and a coffee. Later I'm going to yoga. No one pestering me for sex. No one cooking smelly fry ups and making the whole house stink of fat. No one moaning about me going to yoga when he wanted help 'clearing out the garage' (what is it with men and garages??) No Sunday roast to cook.

I love this thread Smile

Gemma have a lovely Sunday and make sure you fill it doing what you want to do.

nevernotstruggling · 27/01/2019 10:41

A few weeks after splitting with my ex, I remember being at the park on a Sunday with my my two little DS. I can still recall the freedom of being able to stay out as long as I wanted with them, not be on tenderhooks, waiting for my mobile to ring, and it be my ex complaining about something or other, and having to rush home to pacify him 

Exactly. Life gets fun again

WobbleTime · 27/01/2019 12:53

How are you getting on OP? Have you eaten toast in bed, had a wee with the door open and watched all kinds of crap on the tv that you wouldn’t have been allowed to watch before? Not had to make a meal that you don’t fancy just because he wants it? Hope you are enjoying the peace and freedom of having your own place with your little one, you can do whatever you like!

lavalampoon · 27/01/2019 15:17

I think it's fantastic - being able to live in a lovely, tidy, clean home, no one making a mess, damaging and breaking things, leaving litter and spills everywhere and bins overflowing. The bathroom isn't soaking wet when the shower has been used, no dirty laundry all over the floor, kitchen never looks like a bomb site. Being able to invite people over if I like and they actually come because there's no one glaring and sulking, making them feel unwelcome. I can eat what I like, when I like, watch tv all day if I wish, I can even stay in bed all day at the weekend if I want to! Being able to go out shopping, to do yoga, to see friends, on a night out and not worry about rushing back and what sort of sulks I will encounter when I get home is amazing. Being able to stretch out in bed and not be disturbed by snoring. Can have friends to stay for the weekend or longer even! The novelty still hasn't worn off 2 years on and I still get this slightly smug feeling when I come hope and everything is exactly how I left it and there is no one there to make my life hell!

Joanne721 · 27/01/2019 17:46

@Gemmajump, I really think you will be fine.I was a single parent for 19 years after my ex left,the first week was scary as i convinced myself i couldn`t go it alone,it was hard at first as my dds were under 5.Week 2 i was smiling all day every day,my ex was a controlling,violent abusive creature.Once i got into a routine,and managed my own money, as my ex had left me thousands in debt,i was amazed at how well i coped.I am still on my own,my dd2 left home 9 years ago.
A duvet all to myself
Watching anything i like on tv
Making my own decisions.
No beard hairs in sink
No washing and ironing his clothes
No putting up with snide remarks from his family

WaterBird · 27/01/2019 18:51

You can sing whatever you want, however many times you want, and as loud as you want. And whatever you or anyone else actually thinks of your singing voice is irrelevant.

reallemonade · 27/01/2019 19:05

You can have a lovely, pretty, clean bedroom. You can have as much make up and bubble bath as you like in the bath room. You can spend your money how you like. When you to work you can dress how you want and keep your wages to spend on your bills and only shopping for you and kids.

No toilet seat up.

No getting picked on.

Happiness at home Smile

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