I want to get my feelings about dh off my chest; bit of a long drawn out rant, sorry, feel free to ignore!

[Mossy]

I've been trying my best to get over the way dh acted towards me in the last few weeks of my pregnancy and now ds is born but I'm finding it difficult so just wanted to get it off my chest.

For the last few months of my pregnancy dh withheld sex; he later told me this was because he had found the whole huge, stretchmarked, lying on the couch exhausted in a comfy dressing gown thing a huge turnoff.

As soon as I went one day overdue he started heaping the pressure on for me to be induced. In the end I bowed to the pressure at +15 days (my decision too, as I could see my maternity leave ticking away, but if I'd had more support from him I may have stuck it out longer) and it was horrible.

When ds was born, for the first week he was the doting father, changed nappies, cuddled him, bathed him etc. but as soon as the crying started dh's interest just waned and it was all down to me; especially as this co-incided with his paternity leave ending.

When ds started wanting to bf round the clock at about three weeks (as it was the only thing that would stop him crying) dh's solution was to try and pressure me to ff him.... not so I could get a rest, oh no. So that I could "at least sweep the hall and wash the dishes" because it was the first thing he saw when he came in from work.

Dh was convinced I had pnd and this was the reason why I was in tears most of the time, nothing to do with his complete lack of support and his going on about the housework not being done, and pointing out that I should be doing exercise by now to lose the weight and stop scoffing chocolate in such copious amounts.

So I went to the Dr. and got put on 20mg Prozac a day.

It made it a lot easier for me to deal with ds' constant crying, and with me finally getting some excellent rl bf support, and with him simply getting older (11 wks) his crying has calmed down and he is much happier. So now the housework does get done.

Dh thinks that ds' increased happiness is because "happy mum = happy baby" with the implied criticism that ds was unhappy because I was.

Dh and I sleep in separate rooms, initially this was a week-day arrangement to enable dh to get enough sleep for work, and then we'd sleep in the same room at the weekend and I would feed ds but dh would settle him after a feed. But now it's every day, with the clause that at weekends, dh will take ds off me for two hours to enable me to lie in.

Initially this was bonding time; dh would take ds for a walk around the park in his baby carrier thingy; the last few weekends now ds is happier and less demanding, it has been dh lying on the couch watching telly with ds in his baby bouncer being "good" (i.e. quiet).

Dh does do all the cooking. But even this is because if I cook I might - horror of horrors - not cook everything from scratch and might for example occasionally use a jar of sauce to save time.

And now he keeps making pointed comments about money, and that my maternity leave comes to an end "really soon" (September) and I had better start looking for a job soon (I don't plan to go back to original job).

Now ds is a lot easier to look after, and I can whizz around getting the house work done. It's not difficult, and as for the nights, I just put myself to bed earlier and have learned to feed lying down. So it's not as if dh's actions are putting me out any more. But I just wanted to rant. Not particularly after advice as such; the only question I have really is, what the hell has happened to the loving, supportive dh I had for the first seven years of our marriage?

Well, last night I said to him, "were you pissed off because your Mum tidied upstairs?" and he said, "I won't deny it, yes I was."

He then went on about how he sorted out getting the back door fixed (he called his bezzie mate, who is dead handy, and held his tools for him while he fixed it) and how he had thought I had reciprocated by tidying the upstairs. And then when I told him it was his Mum, he got annoyed.

So two things, firstly it clearly isn't about things just being tidy, because then it wouldn't matter who tidied up! Secondly though, we only have two rooms upstairs, one is the one I am currently sleeping in with ds, and one is the spare room which he's sleeping in. "My" room is reasonably tidy anyway, mil just tidied "his" room. If he's sleeping in it, and he gets it in a mess, why should I - or mil - have to tidy it up anyway ffs? And thirdly, when I asked him yesterday what was wrong, he said "nothing"; there clearly was something. Why can't he just admit when he's annoyed and why, instead of pretending he isn't?

Sorry, just wanted to rant and get that off my chest.

Giq - at the risk of sounding like an episode of Friends - I like your idea about the list!

Maveta / Lily, am going to write things down over the next few days and try and have a chat to him at weekend.

Lily you are right that I should focus on the positive sometimes, but even while I'm in the middle of that, he will do something childish and sulky which really pisses me off!

Right off to rest and relax; mil has taken ds for a bit!

Message withdrawn

thats men for you control freaks

"The withholding of sex thing I can sympathise with as I have experience of this with DP during my first pregnancy and it's really not nice when your feeling huge and unsure of yourself etc. Men can be very heartless some times."

sorry but the absolute hypocrisy of the women on this board is unbelievable. many of you have expressed sentiments similar to this on this thread yet on another thread where the roles are reversed and the woman no longer finds her husband attractive i read everything from advice on divorce/withholding sex until he sorts himself out and STATUTORY RAPE. yet when a man does not find his woman attractive anymore it is because he is a selfish bastard/"typical men". perhaps the idea of having sex with a pregnant woman is not appealing to him, are you going to label him a prick just because his biological urges are not in tune with yours at the same moment in time? should he be forced to have sex against his will for your own good?imagine if a man suggested this about a woman who had recently given birth?

unless you can specifically point to examples of where posters on this thread have displayed double standards on other threads as you describe your contribution here can only be regarded as self-serving and bitter.

Mossy - why does your Dh think you should tidy up his room for him, when you have a tiny baby to look after?

Most men at this stage are helping their partners - why can't he understand that you have your hands full already? He's acting like a spoilt little boy IMHO

My DH is also working full time, 6 days a week. He comes home knackered and piles in to help me - whether its bathing DCs, cooking their tea, tidying up, throwing the washing on etc.

Your DH has no idea what pressure you are under atm with the baby and I feel you need to make this very clear to him. If he doesn't understand how tiring a new born is then you are both living on parallel universes and he will continue to piss you off. Does his mate have kids? May be you could make a point of telling both MIL and his mate how tired you are, while also telling him. Perhaps he needs to hear it from them too, so he can't dismiss what you are telling him.

Oooh I feel like slapping him! LOL

Foxy I think he wants a 1950's housewife tbh. He also thinks that 'cos he does the cooking of an evening he is the most wonderful man that ever existed.

Problem with his mil is that she did do it all herself, with both of her hubbies (drove her mad, mind), so although she is quite adept at talking the talk, at the end of the day dh has her model to go on.

His mate doesn't have kids, he only knows one bloke who does, I keep trying to encourage him to spend time with this mate, but of course everything is different isn't it. I mean, he did the night-feeds but his wife "has him under her thumb".

And he doesn't think looking after a newborn is that tiring. Nope, because of course if he looked after him, dh would probably sit him in his baby bouncer most of the day, passing the occasional comment as he walked past, and letting him cry, popping a dummy in his mouth from time to time to lessen the noise.

Sorry that's nasty and I am sure he wouldn't be that bad, but I'm just in a really bad place with him right now.

Amen... aren't you the one who on one thread called the McCanns "useless parents" or something like that? And on another said that if you partner got a tattoo you'd kick her out? Yeah, thanks for your opinions, mate. Trip trap.

Mossy - I don't like the "under her thumb" comment - is he "an unreconstructed northern male" ?

He's beginning to sound more and more neanderthal by the minute.

I still swear by screaming like a harpie - it always works for me. It makes you look like complete mad woman but its quite scary and usually gets the menfolk in my family in line! Why don't you throw something at him, like a few tea cups - that's quite 1950's?

I suppose another approach would be to let the house degenerate into a tip, then when he complains, do the harpie bit: "you never feckin' help", "your just playing at being a Dad", etc etc with a few choice phrases designed to be as hurtful as telling you that you need to lose weight...

What does Trip Trap mean by BTW (always been too scared to ask)?

'Who's that trip trapping over my bridge?' says the troll to the billy goat gruff

Hey Foxy, that sounds like a description of my mother and she wears frilly aprons too. She got me an apron for my birthday

[lightbulb illuminates in foxie's tired old head] !!

blimey mossy, poor you, he does sound unhelpful. did your doctor know about your prozac deal with your dp?
re going back to work- don;t let him make you cos he is jealous you are at home. he prob thinks baby sleeps all day and you just watch tv in your dressing gown with your feet up. then he comes home and has to make dinner after a hard day at his job he dislikes. cooking isn;t that big a deal btw! assume he washes up as well? if not then he is having a laugh..but if someone tells you you are crap often enough you end up believing them.

think you should have a talk with him, but know what outcome you want. if he won;t do it then you can plan how to deal with the sulks. maybe his mum will have him back whilst you get on with being a mum yourself.

Mt sister is trendy and sexy and she wears aprons - seriously! cath Kidston ones!

Well, last evening I was plainly exhausted, I had bags - no, shopping trolleys - under my eyes. Dh made the tea, and he said, "you're knackered, I'll wash up, don't worry, it's one less thing for you to do tomorrow."

So I don't know if this is a turnaround or whether it's a one off; we'll have to see.

Spongecake I did actually say to the Doctor, "you know, I wouldn't need this prozac if my husband was more supportive, but I'll take it so I can see things more clearly". She was fine to prescribe it on that basis.

I do think that is what he thinks I do, right down to the dressing gown.

Am going to talk this out with him, we'll see what happens at weekend.

Hey, Mossy

I can't help but notice that at one point in the thread you describe your DH pre-baby as 'fluffy, funny, intelligent and caring'.

But in another post you say that he has always been 'sulky and moody'.

I can't help wondering if this outrageous, childish behaviour (how DARE he tell you to lose weight, sorry, but if my DH had even MENTIONED weight during the hell that was DS's first few weeks I would have brained him) has always been there, you've been aware of it, but have managed to ignore it until now, in your more vulnerable state?

I don't know if this will help or not. I think we've all been guilty, now and again, of trying to make out that someone is something they're not. A couple of threads written by women who are being battered come to mind 'he hit me...but he's a great dad...' Not that I'm saying your DH will hit you, but do you see what I mean?

Anyhoo, sorry for the ramble. I hope the chat goes well with your DH. I've always found that talking things out is the best thing. As another poster has said, letting things fester is the worst.

Try and keep very calm when you talk to him. I like using 'I feel..' quite a lot, i.e not 'When you told me to lose weight I felt like braining you, you stupid fuck' but 'When you asked me to lose weight I felt very sad and useless and angry with you.'

I wouldn't say "but he's a great Dad" because to me a great Dad is not just one who is there for the cuddles but also one who soothes the crying / screaming baby, one who doesn't suggest putting him into a routine but not helping with settling him for that routine, and so on.

He has always been a bit sulky / moody, but has always been the other adjectives I used as well. A bit jekyll & hyde in some respects. I suppose like a woman would have PMT!

It's just that since ds has been born the jekyll side has all but disappeared (apart from last night with the dishes, and the odd little thing here and there.)

I don't want to make excuses for him. But I do think he is struggling to come to terms with the fact he now has a baby, and personally I think he is suffering some male equivalent of pnd (I don't mean that to sound trite btw). I think he may even regret having him.

I would love to say 'When you told me to lose weight I felt like braining you, you stupid fuck' though!! But I won't, I'll button it!

Mossy - sympathies, it's a difficult time. Hope you can talk and get it sorted out. if nothing else you need to make yourself some Doctor Who time!!

Lol yesterday me and a screaming ds watched Keeper of Traken from the New Beginnings box set... so yes in the midst of all this I am making plenty of time for Doctor Who...

Mossy dp really struggled when dd was born (our 1st together) I had ds1 who was 8

He worked really and avoided a lot of the parenting, he was however fab with ds1.
What has happened as dd is now nearly 5, since about 18 mths, dp has been a much better parent and since she ahs been out of napies and walking and talking he has been amorec major part of her life, taking her out on his own etc they are very close and she will go to him over me more often than not - but when she was a baby he steered well clear - although he was always good about doing housework and has never ever said anything about the house.

Also he is used to being the only man and not having to share you a happy medium, babies shatter that and sometiems a strange resentful jealousy builds and it can lead to the belittling petty comments, he is trying t get himself to the top of the pecking order.
Yes I know the maturity of an amoeba but that's some men for you

Am also agog after reading more about the sex and weight comments.

You need to keep some extra on when you're breastfeeding, Mossy I've seen your profile, you look fabulous.
Tell him you want to get your relationship sorted first, your head right, off the anti d's if appropraite, and thn you can think about your weight if it is something YOU feel needs addressing

DP is 3 stone over healthy weight but I leave him alone about it, he will tell me when he is ready to ask for help sorting it with meals etc.

He has a very high libido I have one that I lost a year ago. We had sex 2 times since ds2 was born 15 wks ago . And we sleep together. He is very understanding, frustrated but caring - this makes me more willing to address the whole issue and fix it.

Nurture

Piffle I do think he might be jealous, I think he's jealous that I have time "off work" to look after ds, not the looking after bit, the "off work" bit I mean.

Well said baby is waking now so I had better go and feed him!!

If he's jealous because he thinks you have it easy I HIGHLY recommend a night away somewhere. Or a day. In a spa or something. Anything. I had my first spa day when DS when three months. I just expressed for a few days and froze it so he had plenty of milk. Then I fucked off. It was great.

Sometimes men need a dose of cold, hard reality to make them realise how exhausting it is looking after a baby.

[off-topic - Mossy, do you think Krang is named after the Cyberleader from The Tenth Planet?]

"Amen... aren't you the one who on one thread called the McCanns "useless parents" or something like that? And on another said that if you partner got a tattoo you'd kick her out? Yeah, thanks for your opinions, mate. Trip trap."

yes of course i called the mccanns useless parents.they are absolutely useless parents and i'd be shocked to find anyone who would stand up for parents who left their children under the age of 3 alone in an apartment in a foreign country to go out and drink wine.
and the tattoo comment was in a thread about disliking p[artners tattoos so it seems a bit out of context in here.luckily she would never get a tattoo but i do not think i could be with a woman who had a tattoo as i would not find her attractive.

Mossy - someone on my other thread said that Catherine Tate is the new Dr Who campanion for the next series...have you heard anything about that?

...sorry - complete hijack!