Is it me? Is it him? Does it matter?!

[SerenityFunCity]

In a relationship of about 9 months.

The main issue is that I'm finding it really difficult to trust him.

I suspect part of that comes from me - I find it difficult to trust anybody, and previously have chosen partners who are somewhat "safe" (as in, I didn't think they would ever cheat on me).

Current partner has a relationship history that is somewhat....colourful. He was married, had an affair, ended the marriage and saw the affair partner for another couple of years, cheated on her. Had a couple of short-ish (6 months) relationships since, which if not overlapping, were certainly very, very close together.

He has never given me any reason to suspect that he is/was/has cheated on me. But then, he has years of experience, so I doubt I would know even if he was.

He is currently working away, and I'm driving myself mad with "what if" thoughts. Of course, I can't know where he is every second of every day, but that leads me to wonder what he is doing, given that it would be pretty easy to cheat whilst he is away.

I suspect lots of people are going to reply with "why on earth are you bothering?", and believe me, I've wondered that myself. But things are really good when we are together, and I don't want to end something that is potentially a non problem, but actually all in my head, or a problem caused by my own issues.

Is it me, with trust issues?

Is it him, with his history?

Does it matter what is making me feel uneasy, when the fact that it is making me feel uneasy at all isn't great anyway?

I would also struggle with this - I fully acknowledge I have trust issues as I was cheated on before, and that person also had a long history of affairs/cheating which I had ignored.

I think it's natural that you are worried, and I do think that having cheated multiple times before can be a bit of a red flag but I also think that people can learn from their mistakes and change. Have you spoken about his past, has he expressed remorse or does he treat it quite casually? And how is he with you in general, has anything happened between you or with his behaviour during your relationship to make you question things?

He is hugely remorseful about his past. He doesn't like to talk about it, because he feels bad about it (the affair, mostly), but he will talk about it if I ask him to.

We have sort of sped into a relationship, which in itself I am ok with, but I am aware it can be seen as a red flag if people are rushing things and future faking. He is also on his phone a lot, but he texts me a lot too, so that could be explained by him being someone who texts a lot.

If he's so remorseful about the affair then why did he cheat on his affair partner?

Does he have insight into why he can't stay faithful?

Sorry but this man is completely untrustworthy. It sounds like he can't be alone and finds a warm body until he's done and then he lines someone else up. Awful. You must just feel so disposable and meaningless.

He seems to emotionally check out of the relationship before actually ending it, and yes, gets someone else lined up that he can move on to.

I am similarly worried that he can't be alone. He hasn't been, all of his adult life.

And I also worry if he is bad at being alone, what would stop him seeking someone whilst he is working away and we can't see each other.

I don't want to unfairly tarnish him because of his past, because I've made a lot of mistakes that I've worked really hard to change, and I really do think I've changed, so I do think that is somewhat possible. But I've worked on it, and I'm not sure I have the evidence to show that he has.

When did he tell you about all of this? And did he volunteer it? As the previous poster said, has he discussed why he cheated on his affair partner?

It is a tough one but you are right when you say what perhaps matters is how this is making you feel. I'd say trust your instinct, I know sometimes when you do have trust issues you second guess what is instinct/ what is a result of issues, but if you've got a bad feeling about this I would go with that. If you can't trust him, ultimately you can't be in a healthy relationship with him.

He has told me different bits at different times. Not withholding stuff, just with how conversations have happened in time.

I don't know why he cheated on the affair partner.

The thing is, I don't know if the bad feeling is just stuff I need to work on within myself, or if there is any justification for it. And I get that maybe it doesn't matter where it's coming from, just the fact that it's there is bad, but I also feel like I'd potentially be throwing away a relationship because of my own unresolved issues.

He's an emotional coward then.

How can you live waiting for the axe to fall like this?

Also looking at people's past behavior is just good sense. It's not unfairly tarnishing people in any way. You know this relationship is just part of his usual pattern. You know he hasn't changed. He doesn't know how to fix relationships. he doesn't respect those relationships. He's not an adult. He'll check out of you too. You'll be replaced.

Please don't waste your time on him.

How old are you? Do you have kids?

I think an emotional coward is probably fair. At best, emotionally immature.

And yes, it kind of does feel as though it's just a matter of time before I become the latest in a long line of his failed relationships.

And then I feel bad for saying that, because I look for the good in people and really want him to have changed, like he believes (or tells me) he has.

I'm 40. And yes I have 2 children. He doesn't have kids.

I think once a cheater, always a cheater. I probably wouldn't take it further, particularly if you're the insecure type already.

Many would disagree with me though.

Looking for the good in people doesn't mean being a mug. I think it - at best- means giving people a fair chance. And you have.

You've done the work to change and he hasn't. You've given him 9 months to show that haven't you? And he hasn't. There are lots of good guys out there. I wouldn't waste time on this.

But in those 9 months, he hasn't done anything in particular to make me doubt him.

It's worse at the moment because he is working away, that's why it's more difficult now.

It's not about making you doubt him. Dating is about getting to know people. Understanding who they are and their values and beliefs. If you don't like what you find, you can leave. It's like if he'd killed his two ex gfs, that would be enough! You wouldn't say "well he hasn't murdered me yet!".

You've spent 9 months getting to know him and you've realised who he is. He's an emotional coward who treats relationships lightly and leaves them disrespectfully. He's rushing you into a relationship but you know it's meaningless because you know it's just part of the pattern. It's okay to leave him over it. You aren't morally obliged to stay until he leaves you. Which he 100% will do when he is done with you.

And I dont' think "once a cheater, always a cheater." But a chronic cheater who has done nothing to change his behaviour is going to cheat again. He's remorseful but that did nothing to actually change him.

I would think of he is over 30 he isjmlikely to change.

Were the affairs whilst working away? If so I think there is a pattern that some men have. I have seen it a work culture.

Affairs suggest he puts women on a pedestal and then devalue them because he struggles with the reality of life outside the honeymoon period.

I think your instincts have subconciously picked up clues, but you are looking for hard facts. Never ignore your instincts.

He doesn't sound a good bet, its easy go be sorry but he has done it repeatedly so suggests he hasn't changed. Changing your emotional responses is very difficult as by 30s they are hardwired. It takes effort.

Also if you are on a forum asking then I think you know it isn't right.

It's ok to not want to trust a man who has been untrustworthy

As I alluded to before, I think it's really easy to second guess our instincts and tell ourselves they are fears resulting from our issues. I've done this in several relationships. Without fail, I've realised afterwards that they were my instincts, and I should have listened to them sooner.

I also think you are right about a man who is bad at being alone and the potential for that to translate into him seeking out something when he is away. And do you want to always be worried about that?

It's like if he'd killed his two ex gfs, that would be enough! You wouldn't say "well he hasn't murdered me yet!"

This made me laugh, but it highlights the absurdity of it.

He is talking way into the future - moving in together, getting married, growing old together. And whilst all that sounds lovely, I am not sure I believe it. Firstly, how can you have much of an idea of another person in 9 months that you'd want to spend the rest of your life with them, and secondly, maybe this is what he has told all the others. I suspect he falls for someone, gets completely carried away with future planning, realises, as someone said, once the honeymoon period is over, it's not all plain sailing, and cheats in order to justify ending it, or at least cheats so he has someone else lined up so he doesn't have to deal with any hurt that comes with the end of a relationship. He's all caught up in the excitement of first attraction all over again. And on...and on...and on it goes.

I thought that there was more of a gap between his ex and me. Now I suspect we overlapped too.

I'm not sure if his affairs were whilst working away. I do know that he lived in a different city to the affair partner, who he met when he was working in that city. They were in different places when he cheated on her. So yes, I guess they were at least in different places, whether work related or not.

I also think you are right about a man who is bad at being alone and the potential for that to translate into him seeking out something when he is away. And do you want to always be worried about that?

No, I don't like feeling like this. It's horrible.

But I also don't want to end something based on my own fear. That doesn't seem a good decision to make either.

Whoever said I am looking for firm facts is right. I find decision making really difficult. Especially when I have little to base them on, other than my own feelings. Which I am notoriously bad at being able to trust. I can't trust my own judgement. That's all to do with past stuff, but it affects lots of things now too.

I think the fact he’s been honest about his past, is actually a positive to a degree.

He could have fed you a load of crap before and you’d have been none the wiser.

Got to trust your gut here

"He is talking way into the future - moving in together, getting married, growing old together. And whilst all that sounds lovely, I am not sure I believe it"

Given his overall relationship history as well I think he is future faking you here and I would not trust him as far as I could throw him. You've said it yourself really in your comment, "I suspect he falls for someone, gets completely carried away with future planning, realises, as someone said, once the honeymoon period is over, it's not all plain sailing, and cheats in order to justify ending it, or at least cheats so he has someone else lined up so he doesn't have to deal with any hurt that comes with the end of a relationship. He's all caught up in the excitement of first attraction all over again. And on...and on...and on it goes."

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up (what sort of an example too did your parent show you) and have you had counselling to unpick all the damaging crap you picked up along the way?. If you have not I would suggest counselling for your own self now to unlearn any and all destructive patterns.

If I met someone with that past type of relationship history now, it would be a massive deal breaker/red flag. I wouldn't waste any more time with him, sorry.

I agree with PPs to be honest.
Cheating at 15 is stupid and just a sign of immaturity.
Passed 30 and it's definitely just the person he is, you said he sounds remorseful but has still then continued to pretty much cheat on every single partner. Or at least keeping his options open when he realises the relationship isn't working for him any more.
I wouldn't trust him, even if he never cheated on you, you won't know, it sounds like the other women only found out after he'd left them for the new one in his line up, so he's clearly good at deceiving. I wouldn't want to spend the rest of the relationship pretty much expecting him to cheat on me. Constant anxiety is not worth it for a 9 month relationship with a serial cheater.

You need to listen to your own fears. You are not being stupid. You know that he is not likely to change and there is a high risk when someone else comes along that he will give you the script of he isn't sure about the relationship etc...

I suggest you cut your losses now. Even if he isn't or won't cheat again, what sort of a relationship is it when you live with a constant fear and distrust. I know I couldn't

I know a few people who cheated on exes until they met someone they really fell in love with and never cheated again.

But with his history, it would make anyone paranoid. Maybe sit down and talk to him honestly. Find out exactly why he cheated, how etc. Try and find out what went in his mind and how he feels about his behaviour and how he'd feel if someone cheated on him. Tell him that unless you feel he's completely honest, warts and all the you won't be able to continue with him.

I know a few people who cheated on exes until they met someone they really fell in love with and never cheated again

This is what I am worried about. Perhaps I'm being naive to think that I'm any different to any of the others, but what if this time it is different for him?

Why would he be looking into us getting a mortgage/house together, if he had no intention of actually doing that?

Maybe sit down and talk to him honestly

Can you suggest a way I might be able to start a conversation like that? I wonder if it would be easier to have that conversation now he is away, and I can explain that I'm finding it especially hard, and why. But I don't know how I would start.

it sounds like the other women only found out after he'd left them for the new one in his line up

I don't think they ever found out at all