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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me? Is it him? Does it matter?!

128 replies

SerenityFunCity · 20/01/2019 21:26

In a relationship of about 9 months.

The main issue is that I'm finding it really difficult to trust him.

I suspect part of that comes from me - I find it difficult to trust anybody, and previously have chosen partners who are somewhat "safe" (as in, I didn't think they would ever cheat on me).

Current partner has a relationship history that is somewhat....colourful. He was married, had an affair, ended the marriage and saw the affair partner for another couple of years, cheated on her. Had a couple of short-ish (6 months) relationships since, which if not overlapping, were certainly very, very close together.

He has never given me any reason to suspect that he is/was/has cheated on me. But then, he has years of experience, so I doubt I would know even if he was.

He is currently working away, and I'm driving myself mad with "what if" thoughts. Of course, I can't know where he is every second of every day, but that leads me to wonder what he is doing, given that it would be pretty easy to cheat whilst he is away.

I suspect lots of people are going to reply with "why on earth are you bothering?", and believe me, I've wondered that myself. But things are really good when we are together, and I don't want to end something that is potentially a non problem, but actually all in my head, or a problem caused by my own issues.

Is it me, with trust issues?

Is it him, with his history?

Does it matter what is making me feel uneasy, when the fact that it is making me feel uneasy at all isn't great anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
SerenityFunCity · 26/01/2019 08:53

I just asked him I overlapped with his ex. I did.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 26/01/2019 14:59

Serenity, he has learned nothing. He probably tells each woman his history, acts remorseful to pull her in, and then eases out when it’s convenient. It’s just a matter of time...

You, on the other hand, have worked on yourself for a year. You have gained great insight.

You don’t really want to sabotage yourself, do you?

Original poster
SerenityFunCity · 28/01/2019 18:50

It all blew up over the weekend when I found out he lied about being single when we got together. He wants to explain himself, and I've said I'll hear what he has to say.

But I have worked hard, and no I don't want to sabotage the work I've done.

I've no bloody idea what my gut instinct is telling me to do this time. It's very much head vs heart, and it's not getting me anywhere.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 28/01/2019 19:09

But he lied..which is why you had distrust and your instinct was working for you.

If you set a healthy boundary and he steps over it are you willing to draw another weaker boundary just so hd passes the threshold? I am not in relationship post divorce but I hope the pain of end a marriage means I will not let boundaries slip.

Original poster
SerenityFunCity · 28/01/2019 19:39

I know.

It's a major boundary breach. I know that. He knows that.

And in the past I've had no boundaries at all which is why I've stayed in shitty relationships.

It sounds pretty pathetic to have got to 40 and not had to deal with this before. But that's where I'm at.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 28/01/2019 19:46

Time to end the relationship. Men like this don't change and he has a string of affairs behind him and possibly the next one lined up. You and your kids deserve better. Dump him, have some therapy to work on your boundaries and don't settle for a cheater ever again Thanks

MsDogLady · 28/01/2019 20:25

Serenity, are you hoping that you are The One he will change for?

He is telling you loud and clear who he really is.

He lies, he cheats, and he always lines up a new woman before binning the old one.

His latest ex played a part in your relationship and you played a part in hers. Both of you unsuspecting. Both of you his secrets.

Original poster
SerenityFunCity · 28/01/2019 20:49

I suspect I am being naive and foolish if I doubt any of those things.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 28/01/2019 21:44

Just keep in mind that he can ‘talk the talk.’ He knows what to say to keep many woman from leaving him.

Original poster
SerenityFunCity · 28/01/2019 22:29

Oh he can talk the talk alright.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 28/01/2019 22:59

Strong likelihood he'll cheat on you based on:

  1. He has done it several times in the past
  2. He was seeing you whilst still with his ex
  3. He will have plenty of opportunity-does not live near you, travels for work

Red flags.

You can either accept this might happen and maintain the relationship or cut your losses.

Original poster
SerenityFunCity · 29/01/2019 12:07

I can't understand why I'm finding it so difficult to just let go.

I know what you are saying lifeisabeach09 is absolutely true.

I know that the best outcome is to end it and walk away now.

And yet I really don't want to. Which is utterly ridiculous.

OP posts:
vuripadexo · 29/01/2019 15:19

Agree with all the other comments. I was going to comment that you hadn't brought up the affair issue but I see we've gotten to it.

I think it's clear that this isn't going to work. I almost feel like you want to see where this goes and that's okay. I think the question now is if you don't feel strong enough to leave yet, what can you do to minimize the impact of your eventual separation on your children? They deserve stability and this guy is going to leave.

Please don't let him step in as some sort of surrogate daddy. Your children are going to be damaged by a constant merry go round of men coming in and out of your life, especially if their father was abusive. Can you put some ground rules in place re staying in your house and playing family so that they aren't destabilized?

MaybeDoctor · 29/01/2019 15:49

If I was looking for someone to look after my pet, I wouldn’t choose someone who had previously left two pets unattended and caused heartache and sadness to their owners.

Your heart and self is far more important. His past gives you a powerful clue to his future.

Some serially unfaithful people only stop when old age or infirmity takes hold.

MsDogLady · 29/01/2019 16:01

”...I’ve stayed in shitty relationships.”

Serenity, this is a shitty relationship. Can you not see that?

This chancer has already demeaned you by lying to you.

Are you repeating your pattern? Why are you willing to settle for so very little?

Original poster
SerenityFunCity · 29/01/2019 16:52

I almost feel like you want to see where this goes and that's okay

I do want him to answer my questions, but he's on nights at the moment so we haven't been able to talk properly about anything.

Maybe I'm giving him way too much credit. He paints himself as being this great guy who wants to be part of mine and the kids' lives. And I suppose I believe that most people are like me and don't want to fuck other people around, especially children. But his behaviour shows that he isn't the good guy that he says/thinks he is, and if he doesn't give a shit about the women he's been in relationships with, why should he care about any children either?

Are you repeating your pattern? Why are you willing to settle for so very little?

Good question. Am I repeating my pattern? My pattern has been being in relationships with men who have been abusive, and I've stayed. I'm not sure this guy is exactly abusive, but if he's lied to me, he's not exactly been great. The question is why I've stayed. Or why I've stayed for so long, anyway. I did end the two relationships that were "most" abusive (one at uni who used to hit me and controlled me so that I had no friends left, and my ex husband who was emotionally manipulative), but in both cases it took me ages. I didn't regret leaving either of them, and in both situations I only wished I had left earlier. So I need to learn from my own past history and do things differently/earlier.

I need to go back to therapy. I seem to get stuck at the same points. Recognition that things are a bit shit, and then struggling to do anything about it.

OP posts:
vuripadexo · 29/01/2019 17:41

Why aren't you more worried about your children? I'm nervous that you seem not to be mentioning them. Please put them first.

Original poster
SerenityFunCity · 29/01/2019 18:39

Why aren't you more worried about your children? I'm nervous that you seem not to be mentioning them. Please put them first

I am worried about them. And I am trying to figure out what would be the best for them.

I know it's completely warped logic, but he is already involved in their lives and spends time with us. (I know, this was a huge mistake on my part and one I won't ever make again). So ending things will upset them anyway. Part of me is hanging onto the infinitely small hope of those teeniest percentage of posters who have said "it's not impossible that he could change". I know everything points to the fact that he won't/hasn't, but I want to believe the teeniest chance that it could work out, and we will all live happily ever after, and we stay together, and the kids aren't hurt. And neither am I.

Yes, I appreciate that sounds utterly delusional.

And rationally I know that I should walk away now, and that it would be worse for everyone to allow this to drag on and for it to end later when everyone is even more invested.

But I just can't figure out what's stopping me from walking away now. And it's not fear of being alone. I enjoyed being single for the year or so before him. It's not like I am afraid of that. I know I could cope without him.

OP posts:
vuripadexo · 29/01/2019 19:03

This is going to read as very very harsh so I apologize in advance but I have to say this:

GROW UP

I'm serious. How could you involve this man with your children? This entire post I assumed that you'd kept them safe and somewhat unattached. Instead you've dragged them into this sorry affair, it's DISGUSTING. Sorry this sounds harsh but I think you need a wakeup call. You are wallowing away like a victim but you are their PARENT. They only have you to protect them. I can't actually believe you've allowed this man to bond with your kids.

You need to get this man away from your children. Please tell me you can see that. Date him but stop the playing family stuff.

You need to forget about navel gazing this relationship. You are a not a child you are a mother and you have a responsibility to put your own children first. Honestly, you sound like a lovesick teenager and that's all fine except you've involved this man with your CHILDREN. Knowing everything about him you've involved him with them. If you didn't have kids, you could play these games all day but your children have already been badly damaged by an abusive father. Hell you could date him WITHOUT letting him playing surrogate daddy and I assumed that's what you were doing.

You don't have any right to destroy their childhood whilst working out your own issues. If you can't date without offering them as part of the "package deal" to attract men then stay single until they hit 18.

vuripadexo · 29/01/2019 19:05

I know this sounds very harsh but you spent a year single to try and deal with your dating issues but at no point did you decide to protect your children during that year. Their welfare wasn't even part of that?

PerverseConverse · 29/01/2019 19:24

Ffs. In the nicest possible way: give yourself a mental slap. Stop whining and be an adult.

Original poster
SerenityFunCity · 29/01/2019 19:25

All I can say is that in retrospect I have made some really, really poor decisions, and it's only in hindsight that I can see that.

He really pushed to meet them. I realise now that I should have said no.

No other excuses. That's all.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 29/01/2019 19:59

I didn’t realize that he was enmeshed with your children.

You are willingly exposing them to a liar and manipulator. You are prioritizing a man who possibly has no conscience.

You are drawn to unstable, abusive people who mistreat others, and you refuse to take steps necessary to protect your children. You are risking their well-being.

lifebegins50 · 29/01/2019 21:38

You are prioritizing a man who possibly has no conscience

Msdoglady, so glad you said this. This is something I realised about my Ex and until it dawned on me (sadly years later) I never thought it was possible I or it would be very obvious. Some people are so manipulative and clever that they hide who they really are.
Op, always trust actions AND past performance is an indicator of the future.
Pushing to meet your children is red flag.

vuripadexo · 30/01/2019 09:03

He really pushed to meet them. I realise now that I should have said no.

Jesus christ. How many abusers are these poor kids going to meet?

So what are you going to do about it? I get the impression that the answer is nothing. You seem to think "oh well, this is a journey and I'll do better next time. I'm learning".

It's not good enough.

Your children don't have a next time. This is their one childhood. You don't have the right to do this to them.

What is your actual plan? What are you going to do?