Is it me? Is it him? Does it matter?!

[SerenityFunCity]

In a relationship of about 9 months.

The main issue is that I'm finding it really difficult to trust him.

I suspect part of that comes from me - I find it difficult to trust anybody, and previously have chosen partners who are somewhat "safe" (as in, I didn't think they would ever cheat on me).

Current partner has a relationship history that is somewhat....colourful. He was married, had an affair, ended the marriage and saw the affair partner for another couple of years, cheated on her. Had a couple of short-ish (6 months) relationships since, which if not overlapping, were certainly very, very close together.

He has never given me any reason to suspect that he is/was/has cheated on me. But then, he has years of experience, so I doubt I would know even if he was.

He is currently working away, and I'm driving myself mad with "what if" thoughts. Of course, I can't know where he is every second of every day, but that leads me to wonder what he is doing, given that it would be pretty easy to cheat whilst he is away.

I suspect lots of people are going to reply with "why on earth are you bothering?", and believe me, I've wondered that myself. But things are really good when we are together, and I don't want to end something that is potentially a non problem, but actually all in my head, or a problem caused by my own issues.

Is it me, with trust issues?

Is it him, with his history?

Does it matter what is making me feel uneasy, when the fact that it is making me feel uneasy at all isn't great anyway?

He is hugely remorseful about his past. He doesn't like to talk about it, because he feels bad about it (the affair, mostly), but he will talk about it if I ask him to.

Remorseful he checked, or remorseful he got caught?

Remorseful that he behaved in that way, when it doesn't fit with the person he wants to be/thinks he is

I'd just tell him that his relationship history concerns you and that you are having trouble learning to trust him. That's the truth so stick to it.

If he's genuine he will most likely be extremely patient while you address these feelings.

That sounds so straightforward to do.

I am such a "what if" worrier. I just spend time wondering what he will think of me if I say that to him

I suspect you overlapped too. He's emotionally lax in his relationships from your description and the "never being alone" part implies he always needs a woman to stroke his ego. Working away gives him the perfect scenario to cheat on you too. Sorry but I think you'll end up as "just a number". You sound lovely, and reinforce something for me - anyone can make a mistake (though I've always had a low opinion of cheats and wouldn't date one) but there's a massive difference between making a mistake and always passing it off as such (opportunity, lack of sex, alcohol etc etc) and taking ownership of it. This man is doing the former. (This is a stance I've always held).

how can you have much of an idea of another person in 9 months

Can happen, and probably more than you think. DP and I were living together within nine months and engaged. 21 years later still together.

How old are your kids, has he met them yet?

The murder story gave me a great laugh, will be stealing that one!

Is he living with you and if so did he move in quite quickly.? He sounds to me like a cocklodger. Just because you have insecurities it doesn't mean you're wrong. That gut instinct is still there.

I think it's important to get straight to the point op , in my experience people are either scared off or extremely respectful of your honesty.

I think this is learned behaviour and he has form for it.
I think if you feel so insecure now and rightly so it’s best to walk away before you get too emotionally and financially involved.

It’s hard believe me I’ve been there and having been the third wife of someone who had been married twice and divorced by the age of 29 I thought I was the one as our relationship lasted 18 years.

He cheated and left me high n dry and has never looked back and we had a son together a beautiful home and I thought we were still in love.
It’s devastating and takes a lot to come back from.

I’m not advising out of bitterness but out of concern for you as your personality seems similar to mine ie always seeing the best in people and believing they have your best interests at heart.
Sadly they have only their needs and wants for now in consideration.

You sound like a lovely kind caring person so give that kindness and care back to yourself as I’m sure you will end up getting your heart broken💐

SimplySteve thanks for your reply. I'm not sure he has taken ownership of his past history either. And I suspect until he does, he will continue to repeat the same pattern. Which just makes me another in a long line, as you say.

Yes, he has met my children. They are 10 and 8.

He doesn't live with me, but he does spend a considerable time at my house (his home is in a different part of the country, so because of the kids I don't spend much time at his house).

Mollyalone sorry to read your story :( Wow, after 18 years you really must have thought he had really changed. I hope you are doing ok

It's just a bad combo OP.
You find it hard to trust.
This guy's not trustworthy.

The only time I've seen men like this calm down is when they find someone who keeps them on a very short leash (vile phrase - I know, but descriptive). That's no way to live.

If you're worrying everytime he's away, rightly or wrongly, that's no way to live either.

You find it hard to trust. This guy's not trustworthy

I wonder how on earth we have ended up in a relationship together!

You probably ended up together because people seek out what's familiar to them until they break the cycle.

its actually really natural to feel that way, when my husband worked away 2 nights a week every week, with 2 young children at the time - i often found it difficult to sleep even though i know he'd never cheat on me. Don't beat yourself up about, don't worry about what hasn't happened yet. sending you love and positive vibes xoxoxoxo

People do change.
I never felt ready to settle down till I was 30.
Been together 25 years now.

But communication is key.

Plan some time when you're both relaxed and happy and just spill - open your heart up to him. Do it in a light heated way nothing too serious though it is a serious subject.

If he loves you and wants to be with you this is an excellent time to get closer.

Anyone can cheat even the least likely.

Just keeping working on yourself and believing in your self.

I agree with Robin2323, lovely advice.

I'm willing to hedge a bet that a lot of you long-time married have no idea about DH previous escapades, but have found trust, happiness and commitment in your marriage with them regardless of the secrets.

When a man wants to be - he can and will be faithful.

I'm sure there are women out there that have cheated in the past, and wouldn't dream of doing it again because they are in a happy, fulfilling relationship. That can be true of men, too.

Good luck OP

perhaps I’m being naive. Yes, yes you are. Please don’t work on yourself or try and deal with your supposed ‘trust issues’. You don’t trust him because he isn’t trustworthy. I’ve seen this type before he’s getting caught up in the romance and future faking but sure as eggs are eggs you are not going to live happily ever after. I would put good money on it: he will cheat on you sooner or later.

You don't trust him, he has form. I'd move on.

lilpeach
I'm willing to hedge a bet that a lot of you long-time married have no idea about DH previous escapades, but have found trust, happiness and commitment in your marriage with them regardless of the secrets.

He already got married and left his marriage for another woman then left her for another woman.

OP: this is crazy. Please don't get sucked into the idea that you can change a man with your "love". I'm sure his wife thought the same thing.

If you are not willing to dump him, at least have it out with him. Explain your concerns and let him explain himself. I suspect that the honeymoon period will come to an end if he ever feels truly challenged by you so it may be the best way to get him to show his true colours.

I do think that people can, potentially, change. My past isn't perfect. I have also cheated in relationships, had overlapping relationships, not been a good partner.

But last year I was single for about a year - the longest time I'd ever been single since I was 14 - and I tried really hard to work on myself to figure out why I had done the things I had done, why I had made those mistakes, and how I could do things differently in the future.

I still struggle with communication (as is probably quite apparent) but I don't think I will ever cheat again. I'd have the decency to end a relationship and process it before moving on.

That's part of the reluctance to just bin this off. What if he has changed too?

The thing that I'd most like to know is whether I overlapped with his ex. I think that would be the most difficult thing to accept, and if I did then I really don't have any evidence that he had learnt from earlier mistakes, as he was clearly making the same ones when he met me.

If you are not willing to dump him, at least have it out with him. Explain your concerns and let him explain himself. I suspect that the honeymoon period will come to an end if he ever feels truly challenged by you so it may be the best way to get him to show his true colours

I think this is really good advice, and I think is what I'll (try and) do. I won't find it easy to broach this at all. But if the alternative is driving myself mad with anxiety, that isn't much of an alternative.

Quick question @vuripadexo - would you suggest waiting until he is home at the weekend to speak to him, or do it whilst he is away?

I'd wait til he is home unless (1) you think he's the kind of guy who really needs to mull things over (and you do most of your communicating by phone or text anyway) or (2) his time at home is really short. If he's back for a weekend, speak to him now so it won't take over the weekend.

Otherwise do it in person.

Explain you've been struggling with a few things re the relationship. Ask him if your relationship overlapped. Stress you really need him to be honest. Then take it from there. Don't overemphasize your past because you are not being irrational. Listen to what he says and don't jump in to minimize your own feelings to try and make it okay. Most women would be running from this guy.

I get the impression that part of your desire to make this work is about redeeming yourself and your own actions that you are ashamed of. You feel like you're a bad person (as well?) and maybe that you don't deserve any better. Or that you might be on the other side of the same judgment?

A better way to resolve that guilt would be to do everything you can to become a better person, which you are trying to do I think. Keep working at it. And go back and apologize to the people you've wronged. Make amends.

You actually deserve better than this relationship. Even if you think you don't.

He is back this weekend, but I will have the kids, so time alone will be limited. And yes, he does take time to mull things over.

Can't work out if I would be better to open the discussion over the phone/via text (we do text a lot), or wait until we are together, and then at least I can see his reactions as well. Plus, texting + shift work = not ideal.

The desire to make it work is mostly that I think it's all my shit.

I think it's my trust issue. I think it's my anxiety. I think it's my fear.

Yes, he has a past history of being unfaithful, but does that really mean anything.

I almost typed "if I keep on trying/try harder", but that really is my shit. It's a pattern I repeat, especially in relationships.

I am taking the blame for all of this.

I don't think I know what a good relationship feels like. I thought this was one - when we are together, things are really good. We have a lot in common, we enjoy the same things, we like spending time together, we have similar outlooks and future goals. He's a kind and generous and thoughtful man. So it feels like there is a lot to lose if I give it all up because of my fear of what might happen, when I will never, ever have certainty about him or anyone.

The desire to make it work is mostly that I think it's all my shit.

I think it's my trust issue. I think it's my anxiety. I think it's my fear.

Yes, he has a past history of being unfaithful, but does that really mean anything.

I almost typed "if I keep on trying/try harder", but that really is my shit. It's a pattern I repeat, especially in relationships.

I am taking the blame for all of this.

These words are devastating. Why do you blame yourself so much? Why can't you trust yourself? Can you talk in a bit more detail about your past relationships and what they were like? Your children's father - what happened?

I don't think I know what a good relationship feels like. I thought this was one - when we are together, things are really good. We have a lot in common, we enjoy the same things, we like spending time together, we have similar outlooks and future goals. He's a kind and generous and thoughtful man. So it feels like there is a lot to lose if I give it all up because of my fear of what might happen, when I will never, ever have certainty about him or anyone.

It's not a good relationship because you don't feel safe. You feel a knot in the pit of your stomach, confused, upset, lonely and afraid. That's not what good relationships feel like. If you talk to him, maybe you can improve the relationship, ease your fears, maybe. But this is not normal.

And it is NOT your anxiety. It's objectively concerning. We aren't there and we are telling you to trust yourself.