Is it me? Is it him? Does it matter?!

[SerenityFunCity]

In a relationship of about 9 months.

The main issue is that I'm finding it really difficult to trust him.

I suspect part of that comes from me - I find it difficult to trust anybody, and previously have chosen partners who are somewhat "safe" (as in, I didn't think they would ever cheat on me).

Current partner has a relationship history that is somewhat....colourful. He was married, had an affair, ended the marriage and saw the affair partner for another couple of years, cheated on her. Had a couple of short-ish (6 months) relationships since, which if not overlapping, were certainly very, very close together.

He has never given me any reason to suspect that he is/was/has cheated on me. But then, he has years of experience, so I doubt I would know even if he was.

He is currently working away, and I'm driving myself mad with "what if" thoughts. Of course, I can't know where he is every second of every day, but that leads me to wonder what he is doing, given that it would be pretty easy to cheat whilst he is away.

I suspect lots of people are going to reply with "why on earth are you bothering?", and believe me, I've wondered that myself. But things are really good when we are together, and I don't want to end something that is potentially a non problem, but actually all in my head, or a problem caused by my own issues.

Is it me, with trust issues?

Is it him, with his history?

Does it matter what is making me feel uneasy, when the fact that it is making me feel uneasy at all isn't great anyway?

They spend 50% of their time with their dad. Should I not be letting that happen either?

@vuripadexo I read so many threads like this. The shrug of the shoulders, the play the victim I have no locus of control, I don't know what to do etc narrative infuriates me. It's bad enough when they don't have children but when they do there's no excuse for allowing these relationships to continue.

Op this relationship has doom written all over it. He is untrustworthy that's why you cannot trust him. Your instincts are spot on and are warning you.

The fact there was an overlap with you and ex let's you know he's the type to tell you everything's ok whilst setting up his next relationship.

You cannot trust him.

I sympathise that you're trying to work on yourself and still picking the wrong men. I am finding the same thing. HOWEVER the wrong men I pick are not around my kids. If you choose to continue the relationship (I don't think you should) do so completely separately from your kids.

vuripadexo

I find your last post really unfair, and not accurate.

Of course I take responsibility for my actions - it’s me who made those decisions and I’ve vocalised on here that I’ve made really bad ones. How else am I supposed to take responsibility for them? Yes, there is past stuff that may have lead me on this path. Those are explanations, not excuses. I am not absolving myself of any blame. I made a bad choice with this guy, amongst many other things, and I am now trying to work out how best to act that minimises hurt to the children.

As I said in an earlier post, the path of least hurt would be is staying together, him working on himself to actually be the person he thinks he is, and us all being happy ever after.

Of course in reality, that’s actually the outcome that is least likely to happen, and actually the most likely outcome is that he cheats on me and I end up heartbroken and so do the kids.

So I know that the rational decision is to end it.

I can’t even talk to him at the moment because he is working away and working nights, so it’s not as if I can just turn up somewhere on the other side of the country with his stuff and his dog and just never talk to him again. We do actually need to see each other and sort out some logistics of separating.

I’m not commenting on the part where you say I don’t sound attached to my children or that I don’t have concern for them. I’m not sure how you can create that judgement based on a few posts I’ve made, but it’s really not the case at all.

What is it exactly that you would like to know that you feel I have been evasive about? As for saying what others want to hear, if that were true I’d be sitting here lying and telling you all I’d ended it. That’s what everyone thinks I should do, that’s what everyone wants to hear. Except I haven’t done that, and I’m taking your criticism and trying to make sense of it. I’ll reflect on it and see if I think any of it is accurate. Right now, I don’t, but I’m not thinking very rationally as I’m a bit enraged about what you said about me and my children.

I don't think 'once a cheater always a cheater' because when I was young I wasn't faithful to any boyfriend ever. There again I hadn't promised exclusivity either. Once I matured and got married I never cheated again. I don't think this man sounds as if he has matured. Clearly you don't feel secure OP. Perhaps consider cooling the relationship down a notch, and focussing on yourself and friendships when he is away.

After only 9 months there shouldn't be any logistics needed. More fool you for agreeing to look after his dog. You're just a convenience to this guy. For now. Stop with the handwringing and prevaricating.

PerverseConverse whether there should be or not, there are. I have the dogwholst he is working, and we have a holiday booked for April (without the children). So there are things to sort out.

What's the actual point of a life of suspicion?

No matter how you're dressing it up - you don't trust him. In which case your life together will end up rotten.

Yes you have good times together when it's all nice, but relationships are about far, far more than that.

You got together with him knowing his history I assume. But as can happen, now that you're fully together you can't take the reality of that history.

All you can do is decide if you trust him or not. If you don't - and you decide to stay with him - your mind won't ever be at rest.

Not a good way to live.For anybody.

@vuripadexo

Diagnosing an OP as having a personality disorder based on a few posts on an online forum is really not on; are you a psychiatrist? You have no right to conclude that she doesn't care for her DC either.

What strikes me is how similar you are in one respect, OP. You are both incapable of honesty. Think about it.

Why did you post? You're not really listening and he will persuade you to stay with him because he's got what he wants on tap including a dog sitter. You need to work on your boundaries once you've actually got some.

You can tell him it's not working for you and to collect the dog and his belongings when he gets back and cancel the holiday. No need to make it complicated.

They spend 50% of their time with their dad. Should I not be letting that happen either?

This is a ridiculous question.

Obviously you shouldn't stop them seeing their dad, OP, you wouldn't be able to. But this man isn't his dad and you shouldn't be allowing your DC to get attached to him. Surely you can see the difference??

Saying your children will be "upset" if you finish is just an excuse for you to stay.

They won't be THAT upset. They'll get over it. He's neither their dad nor their 'constant'. You are their constant.

Whilst I understand relationships can be hard going at times, for me if you get with a serial cheat and liar and then have him around your children when you know very well that untrustworthy people dont stick around forever - you've used your children as part of the bargain.

Thinking if you can get him to bond with them, then it's less likely he will leave.

Hes not their dad.Theyre not his children. Forget about "the children will be upset".

Please get some more help for yourself so that you do not end up in yet another dysfunctional relationship.
I think you needed to have spent longer than a year working on yourself and I mean that to be kind.

It's hard to grow up with such abuse and dysfunction and it can take a long time to unpick all those learnt behaviours/feelings and develop a much healthier outlook.

Why did you post?

I initially posted because I couldn't work out if the trust issue I have is down to me or him. I wasn't aware when I initially posted that I did overlap with his ex, and that he hadn't been entirely truthful with me. That's something I found out on Saturday.

You're not really listening

I am listening. The things I've heard and taken on board so far are:

• I made a huge mistake in allowing him to meet my children and get involved so early on
• I need to work more on myself, my boundaries, the patterns I keep repeating, and taking more responsibility for my actions rather than playing a victim role and putting out a "woe is me" persona
• People who have lied and cheated previously will, most likely, but not always, lie and cheat again
• He has proven to be untrustworthy, and on that basis, I should end the relationship
• I need to take action faster than I currently am doing
• I need to prioritise my children more

I really AM listening, and I am trying. I find it difficult to take action quickly. It took me 5 years to leave my marriage. I knew I needed to. I knew I wanted to. But it still took me 5 years. I have known that he has lied to me for 5 days. It takes me longer than that to process stuff and work out what to do.

Yes, I do need to prioritise my children. And as such I will make sure that he is not around them at all, which is straightforward as he is away. I am meeting with him this weekend (it's my weekend without the children) and I will attempt to talk face to face about what happens now.

Yes, I am aware he will try and talk me round. I am aware of my own weaknesses that mean I will find that difficult. I have in my mind what I want to discuss, what I want to know, what I want to see.

I'm not sitting here playing the victim and preparing to roll over and be talked into staying. I have had counselling today. I have spoken to a good friend who is also a counsellor. I am working again through the Lundy Bancroft book "why does he do that?" and recognising patterns that I am repeating. I am registering with the online freedom programme. I am journalling and looking on the baggage reclaim site and gaining strength and learning how to trust in myself in making good decisions. Tomorrow, I am going to try and look after myself better and have a long walk and a massage.

I am finding it difficult to stay on this thread because occasionally a poster will come on and say the opposite to most posters, which is that maybe a cheat can change their ways. And that again sends me the mixed messages that I've struggled with before, and my mind can't deal with these differences of opinion, because it feels as though they can't both be right. (I know they can, because everyone is an individual, but as a rule it's hard to accept that opposing views can both be correct).

Yes, I'm clinging onto the views that say "once a cheat, maybe not always a cheat", but I know that's the exception to the rule.

They spend 50% of their time with their dad. Should I not be letting that happen either?

The point I was trying to make was someone asking how many abusers my children are going to meet. I was wondering if they were including their own father in that, because he is the biggest abuser I know, and I can't do anything about them being with him.

In what way is their father currently abusive to your children? You need to have your solicitor petition the court to change/cease his contact with them if he is abusive.

You are getting a hard time here. People want you to act immediately, and you are trying to process new information and handle things in a straightforward way that is fair to all. I get that. But I also think just sending him a message that" the relationship does not work for you anymore, and please come get the dog when you are in town again" is all that is needed.

When you start trying to explain and be "fair" to someone in relationships like this, they often try to overcome your objections and convince you to continue on. If you really don't want to continue, you have to just ignore all that and end it. It is really fairest to all in the long run. (and your kids will be OK without him around)

OP, I'm sorry that you feel my last post was unfair but it was a truth you needed to hear and based on your latest posts, I still don't think you are listening to anything anyone has to say.

Your questions are all still about you. Your relationship with this guy.
Who cares?

Why aren't you asking about how to retain the relationship but distance him from the children? Why aren't you asking how to ask him to step away from them a bit because it's still early? You can date him and he can still break your heart and you can still protect the children. You've "realised" you did it all wrong, right?

But you are not interested in that. Because you don't want to know. You don't want to protect your kids. You want to play happy families to try and suck this guy in. Alaria44 is right. You want them to bond with him to make it harder for him to leave. You'd sacrifice their happiness and stability for your own fairy tale.

Your question about their father was a complete deflection. Focus on this guy. You avoid direct questions about him and the kids because you don't want to change.

Stop lying to yourself.

Do you know what?

Don't dump him. Stay with him. Those posters are right. Sometimes cheaters stop cheating. Sometimes they change. You can change him. Your love will change him.

Okay? Great.

Now take that energy you would spend setting boundaries with him and spend it setting boundaries between him and your children. You can be with him without him being a surrogate daddy.

In fact it's probably better to stay with him because he's only a cheat. we know what his problem is. He pushed to meet the kids because he likes to play family and he'll leave eventually. The next guy could push to meet your kids because he likes to touch children. With your boundaries and unwillingness to protect your kids, the next guy could be 1 million times worse.

I'd stay with this guy. Get a clares law and sarahs law disclosure done and enjoy the ride. Maybe you can hold this guy's attention til your kids are 18. Save them a few years in therapy.

In what way is their father currently abusive to your children?

He isn't abusive to them. I didn't say that he was. He is still abusive to me.

Why aren't you asking about how to retain the relationship but distance him from the children? Why aren't you asking how to ask him to step away from them a bit because it's still early?

I'm not asking how to do those things because I already know how to do those things. Is is working away, and only here on weekends, for the next 2.5 months. Therefore it's pretty easy for me to say to him that I'd like to slow things down and for him to spend less time here when the kids are here. As you say, what happens when the kids aren't here affects them less.

But that's not what I am hearing people are suggesting for me to do.

I don't want them to bond with him, or him with them, in order to make it harder for him to leave. If he is going to leave, he is going to leave, regardless of anything.

Your question about their father was a complete deflection

That's also not true. I didn't think it was a fair comment from whoever asked how many abusers my kids will be introduced to. Yes, their Dad is an abuser, and I am powerless to protect them from him, because he happens to be their father. Where is the evidence that this current partner is an abuser? He might have lied, but I'm pretty sure not every person who lies is abusive.

I'm focusing on me, because that's the only thing I CAN do. I can't change him. I can change me.

vuripadexo I think I'll spend that time and energy I could spend responding to that last post on focusing on my own life and kids.

Sorry but I do not agree with slowing things down. You need a clean break.

Otherwise what will happen over these past 2.5 months is that you will spent it a ball of anxiety and stress further exacerbated by the fact that you would have suggested you slow things down (you'll probably suspect he would cheat or go looking to line another woman up)

Look, if something isn't working for you it IS as simple as saying so. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone.

I understand that you are in a place where you feel conflicted by different opinions but that just further shows that you desperately need to work on yourself and develop your own mind, of which you can trust.

Serenity, what do you mean when you say:

Yes, their Dad is an abuser, and I am powerless to protect them from him, because he happens to be their father. Protect them from what?

Also, your partner’s lies are emotionally abusive because he is manipulating you with them.

99% of posters: you need to end the relationship

OP: what can I do to make it work?

99% of posters: you're not listening you need to end the relationship before your kids are damaged by your lack of boundaries and the men you willingly allow into their lives far too soon

OP: but how can I make it work?

99% of posters: