I cheated at the start of our two year relationship, and he's found out I lied about it. I don't know what to do

[JoeyBax]

Hello. I just want to start by saying that I don't want judged and I don't want to be made feel worse than I already do, I just need help from something or someone.

So, in my past I was a slag/whore/horrible person, and it didn't seem to matter to me who I was sleeping with or anything like that. I was a horrible horrible person.
But then I met a guy (December 2017), and I asked him for his number which he refused, and then changed his mind. But, he's married (I didn't know that when I asked, but he did tell me nearly straight away). But that didn't bother me, because he was so kind and nice to me. I wanted friendship and I had finally found it. But things developed and we started being more than friends and he fell in love with me and I with him.
But I messed up, because for the first few months I was still seeing and phoning another guy, this I had always denied ever happened. He knew I phoned him, but I always denied sleeping with him. It did come to an end and I stopped all contact with the other guy, blocked and deleted, and I never saw or spoke to him again. But my boyfriend found out 2 weeks ago that it was all true. That I was sleeping with that other guy at the start of our new relationship. And I don't know what to do. I don't have the answers
Background on my BF. He's still married, and he still goes home to his wife every night. But he was putting everything in place to be with me. Payed off bills and cars and the house. Made sure his kids (age 21 and 17) were in full time work and both had cars.
He was ready to walk away from his life at home 2 weeks ago today, and then he found out about my lies and my cheating on him
I just want advice or something. How do I get his trust back. He shouts at me and gets angry and says horrible nasty things to me, and I keep showering him in love and caring and nice words, and forgiving him for his nasty words and anger towards me.
I don't want told that I should never have cheated, because I know that. I don't want to give excuses as to why I did it, because I don't know why I did it
I've never been in love before, I never felt loved, and I've never had love to give. But I'm so hurting right now because I'm still in love with him. Even with his angry and nasty words. Nothing compares to what I did to him :( I just don't know what to do.....

We were trying for a baby, and he asked me last night if I was pregnant. I said no because I had a period, or some bleeding, yesterday, but that was 2.5 weeks late
I've done two pregnancy tests, both came back negative.
I've lost everything at one time. Him, and the chance to have a family with him

Bit pot/kettle isn't it. Sounds like a timely new excuse not to leave his wife to me.

I don't know what answers I want to hear, I just don't know what to do
He asked me when it was just me and him in the relationship, and I said it was just me and him the day I told him I loved him. But he doesn't believe me. He says I'm just a liar. And he could never ever trust me
I am still in love with him. If I wasn't, would I not have walked away easy without sadness or pain or upset.
I have cried every single day for 2 weeks, uncontrollable crying. So much crying that it hurts my tummy and my whole body

But surely he has had sex with his wife at some point over the last 2 years? How are you "cheating" but he is innocent? I don't get it.

Well at least you know he's a massive hypocrite as well as a cheat and a liar.

He’s using finding this out as an excuse to leave his wife

Which he never will

He’s got himself a great position hasn’t he. Make you feel bad, you’re now the “bad guy”, apologising and beating yourself up while he still goes home every night and sleeps with his wife

Leave him. He won’t change. And get some counselling too for your other issues.

So he’s still living with his wife?

But I've hurt him so much.
I know he was going home to his wife, and I know he could never give me 100% because of that, but he tried so so so much. He done so many things to try and give us a good start with our new house and our new lives together

Sounds like he doesn’t want to leave his wife for you after all and this is a convenient excuse.

You were trying for a baby? Jesus his poor wife.

Double standards on his part. Very questionable morals on your part.

Leave him to go back to his wife. I would put money on him never actually intending to leave her in the first place.

Maybe try to find a man who isn't already married for your next conquest.

He asked whether there were just the two of you in the relationship? Er well no dear, there were always three.

First of all, it’s not 2 years, it’s just over a year.

Secondly, karma’s a bitch isn’t it. Screwing a married man was never likely to end well.

Chalk it up to experience and find someone single next time.

"In my past I was a slag/whore/horrible person".

That's a terrible way to describe yourself. You need therapy.

@shirleyPhallus
I am getting counselling. I think it's next week.

So you were fucking someone else whilst fucking a married man, you’ve now been caught out for that whilst you’re still fucking the married man?

Advise? Get some morals.

He has just been stringing you along OP. You may have hurt his ego, which must be massive after having his cake and eating it for 2yrs. Open your eyes and move on. He calls you a liar, but he has been lying to you...his wife...his family for 2yes. Why would you even want to be with someone like this? Seriously dump him and find some self respect.

@winnie2019
Because that's what I've been told I was

Oh OP he has spun you a right tale. He has no leg to stand on regarding you cheating when he's been cheating on your your entire relationship. Your having an affair and are the OTHER WOMAN and always will be. End it now and start your counselling. Sounds like you have really low self esteem and don't think to highly of yourself.

So you cheated on a cheat? And the adulterous married man you cheated on is calling you names. Blimey!

Please get some self respect and ditch this lousy, hypocritical git. Do not bring a child into this shitstorm.

Joey you need to stop listening to people who talk like that. You sound very mixed up. Please get some professional help

Unbelievable.

You don't want a baby with someone who's got a wife and dc of his own, surely? That way madness lies! And he puts you on a guilt trip over someone you slept with 2 years ago. He's a CF! (Did you not see "Mrs Wilson" on TV a few weeks ago?)