I cheated at the start of our two year relationship, and he's found out I lied about it. I don't know what to do

[JoeyBax]

Hello. I just want to start by saying that I don't want judged and I don't want to be made feel worse than I already do, I just need help from something or someone.

So, in my past I was a slag/whore/horrible person, and it didn't seem to matter to me who I was sleeping with or anything like that. I was a horrible horrible person.
But then I met a guy (December 2017), and I asked him for his number which he refused, and then changed his mind. But, he's married (I didn't know that when I asked, but he did tell me nearly straight away). But that didn't bother me, because he was so kind and nice to me. I wanted friendship and I had finally found it. But things developed and we started being more than friends and he fell in love with me and I with him.
But I messed up, because for the first few months I was still seeing and phoning another guy, this I had always denied ever happened. He knew I phoned him, but I always denied sleeping with him. It did come to an end and I stopped all contact with the other guy, blocked and deleted, and I never saw or spoke to him again. But my boyfriend found out 2 weeks ago that it was all true. That I was sleeping with that other guy at the start of our new relationship. And I don't know what to do. I don't have the answers
Background on my BF. He's still married, and he still goes home to his wife every night. But he was putting everything in place to be with me. Payed off bills and cars and the house. Made sure his kids (age 21 and 17) were in full time work and both had cars.
He was ready to walk away from his life at home 2 weeks ago today, and then he found out about my lies and my cheating on him
I just want advice or something. How do I get his trust back. He shouts at me and gets angry and says horrible nasty things to me, and I keep showering him in love and caring and nice words, and forgiving him for his nasty words and anger towards me.
I don't want told that I should never have cheated, because I know that. I don't want to give excuses as to why I did it, because I don't know why I did it
I've never been in love before, I never felt loved, and I've never had love to give. But I'm so hurting right now because I'm still in love with him. Even with his angry and nasty words. Nothing compares to what I did to him :( I just don't know what to do.....

You’ve given him a get out of jail free card. He was never going to leave his wife for you, now he’s conveniently found out about this other guy in the first two weeks and he can pretend to be all up in arms about it and use it to neatly exit your affair leaving you and your life in tatters.

Trying for a baby with a married man is unforgivable, for both of you. I hope to god his wife finds out and takes him to the cleaners.

As for you, you don’t need me to tell you what an idiot you’ve been. But for gods sake stop trying to win back the affection of a heartless cheating scumbag. Get some counselling which will hopefully help you develop some kind of morals.

What's your living arrangements OP?

OP, you need a lot more help than we can give.

You have been called some horribly abusive things by this man, in order that he can keep you in line, doing what he wants, being there for him to have sex with when he wants. He doesn't love you, or he wouldn't say them.

You aren't important to him. He won't leave. He's using this as an excuse to keep you in line again.

You need actual real life therapy; you have serious self esteem and relationship issues.

Diddums

On the plus side you are not pregnant. How did he find out about your boyfriend?

It is t even half term
I give you 3/10

OP, he is a bad person really as he had taken an advantage of you. He was screwing up you and his wife at the same time for two years not two months at the beginning of your relationship. You know you're so naive and nice because you do believe him that he wouldn't touch his wife while sleeping in one bed with her for two years. How dare he, who has been cheating on his wife accusing you of infidelity?!
Dear, I do understand how you feel. He was really nice to you like no-one else before and then he chucks you out like trash. Don't be surprised or shocked as this is a very common tactic of the married men. Often they would be digging for some information against you to leave you with guilt for destroying the relationship. Don't fall for it.
I do hope you meet a very nice decent man but remember - don't open yourself too soon. They don't need to know about your previous relationships.

Thank god you aren't pregnant and haven't got an innocent child to bring into this mess

I would wash your hands of him, he's not yours and never has been he used you, I know that's horrible to hear but he did, why wait until his daughter was 21? Why not leave when she was 18 if he was worried about her

His poor wife

How strange that after two years he only finds something to beat you with, and end the "relationship" TWO WEEKS before his deadline.