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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I cheated at the start of our two year relationship, and he's found out I lied about it. I don't know what to do

134 replies

JoeyBax · 20/01/2019 18:09

Hello. I just want to start by saying that I don't want judged and I don't want to be made feel worse than I already do, I just need help from something or someone.

So, in my past I was a slag/whore/horrible person, and it didn't seem to matter to me who I was sleeping with or anything like that. I was a horrible horrible person.
But then I met a guy (December 2017), and I asked him for his number which he refused, and then changed his mind. But, he's married (I didn't know that when I asked, but he did tell me nearly straight away). But that didn't bother me, because he was so kind and nice to me. I wanted friendship and I had finally found it. But things developed and we started being more than friends and he fell in love with me and I with him.
But I messed up, because for the first few months I was still seeing and phoning another guy, this I had always denied ever happened. He knew I phoned him, but I always denied sleeping with him. It did come to an end and I stopped all contact with the other guy, blocked and deleted, and I never saw or spoke to him again. But my boyfriend found out 2 weeks ago that it was all true. That I was sleeping with that other guy at the start of our new relationship. And I don't know what to do. I don't have the answers
Background on my BF. He's still married, and he still goes home to his wife every night. But he was putting everything in place to be with me. Payed off bills and cars and the house. Made sure his kids (age 21 and 17) were in full time work and both had cars.
He was ready to walk away from his life at home 2 weeks ago today, and then he found out about my lies and my cheating on him
I just want advice or something. How do I get his trust back. He shouts at me and gets angry and says horrible nasty things to me, and I keep showering him in love and caring and nice words, and forgiving him for his nasty words and anger towards me.
I don't want told that I should never have cheated, because I know that. I don't want to give excuses as to why I did it, because I don't know why I did it
I've never been in love before, I never felt loved, and I've never had love to give. But I'm so hurting right now because I'm still in love with him. Even with his angry and nasty words. Nothing compares to what I did to him :( I just don't know what to do.....

OP posts:

greendale17 · 20/01/2019 20:36

Secondly, karma’s a bitch isn’t it. Screwing a married man was never likely to end well.

^This

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 20/01/2019 20:39

Joey, you've got this all mixed up. Right now you are so fixated on you being a bad girl that you can't see the forest for the trees. You have absolute tunnel vision right now and you need to look at the big picture.

This guy is a gutless sack of shit who doesn't love you. NOT because of who YOU are but because of what HE is Wake up darling! You need to see a trauma therapist asap. You need to quit men for at least a year and sort your shit and head out. You do not need a man to complete you. You need to find out who YOU are. You need to learn to love yourself before you love someone else. What you have with this asshole, is not love, darling. Please, I beseech you, walk away. Block him. Find the courage to cut him out of your life. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve more out of this life.
Don't let this be your story
Write a better one- all you need is the courage to write it. You've got this.

Morgan12 · 20/01/2019 20:39

Did my message seriously get deleted because I called OP a horrible person? Really?

AnyFucker · 20/01/2019 20:40

Op isn't listening. It is pointless engaging with her.

Littleraindrop15 · 20/01/2019 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JacquettaW · 20/01/2019 20:47

No other guy every had respect for me, I was just a shag to them

I'm afraid you're just a shag to this man too. It may be harsh but it is what it is

Orange6904 · 20/01/2019 20:48

All you seem bothered about is him saying you're a liar, what about the rest of it? He is a liar. He is no doubt sleeping with his wife. All those things, waiting for kids birthdays and all that, they are just excuses.

Original poster

JoeyBax · 20/01/2019 20:51

@littleraindrop15
It is genuine. And it is all my fault

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 20/01/2019 20:59

What's your fault? He's to blame too. He's married and lying to his wife every day and his kids. He's not your boyfriend. It's an affair.

MrMeSeeks · 20/01/2019 21:12

You do need the therapy. Hopefully it will help you see this for what itis.

ProbablyNotMyRealName · 20/01/2019 21:23

Of course he’s still having sex with his wife. Come on.

ArchiesMumm · 20/01/2019 21:24

How do I get his trust back

Ummm even if he was to leave his wife and kids for you (which I very much doubt he will as if he really wanted to, he would) there would never be trust. Look at how you both started your relationship? In relations with other people! You both may be happier than where you were, but the honeymoon period will wear thin and there will be 0 trust.

And I'm sorry, I know you mentioned that you want no one judging, but I can't believe as a woman (and I know you have no obligations to the wife) you would go with a married man.

Singlenotsingle · 20/01/2019 21:27

He's used you, OP. And now it's no longer convenient to him and he's had his fun, he's invented a reason to dump you. Please, see sense! If it wasn't this, he'd find some other excuse :-

You're not pregnant (you must be infertile and have been stringing him along)
You are pregnant but he doesn't want it
You're no fun any more

Or any other excuse he can think of...

PookieDo · 20/01/2019 21:40

OP you are in a shame spiral and I think you have been there a long time

You need to get away from him so that you can be the person you deserve to be but you think so little of yourself you are fulfilling your own prophesy. People tell you that you are bad so you might as well act like you are

I understand more than you think about how you feel about yourself and I am telling you that you need to get away from him because he is exacerbating all of these awful feelings. You are destroying your own mental health and allowing him to do it too.

You need to get a grip, a real one of your own reality. Go get some real help and start working towards some worthwhile goals. Winning this man will not make you happy, winning any man will not. We fill our empty holes with many things and yours is love and sex. This doesn’t make you a slag or a whore it makes you vulnerable and self destructive

Handprints2018 · 20/01/2019 21:40

The thing that will be your fault is if you persist chasing him begging forgiveness and then ttc and have his baby. Then it will be your fault to inflict that crapstorm on an innocent child.

Do you not see this is not a good man? He is a terrible husband and partner!

Wherearemymarbles · 20/01/2019 21:48

You are not a slag/whore for sleeping with who you liked

You are however a complete fucking idiot for ttc with a married man.

Who wont leave his wife, unless she kicks him out, and he comes a cocklodging with you.

A man who is almost certainly sleeping with his wife.

He is a liar and a cheat and you’d do well to get some self esteem.

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/01/2019 21:52

Mills and boon on crack

Dunin · 20/01/2019 21:59

Crikey. Sometimes I want to divorce my DH because he doesn’t pay me enough attention and whatever else that I can’t even remember right now because I just read this! That poor wife. You need to tell her what he’s been up to. You need to go to counselling. Do the freedom programme with women’s aid and you need to block him and not speak to him again. He’s been abusing you. He’s lying to you and you’ve fallen for it. I actually feel really sorry for you because you really need proper help. Calling him your boyfriend and trying for a baby. Dear god....I think I’ve read it all now. Did your parents not bring you up to think and do better than this?

GloomyMonday · 20/01/2019 22:01

He's concocted an excuse to break up because the latest deadline was just a few weeks away, or he's interested in someone else.

He's awful, just view it as a lucky escape.

Break ups are hard but happen every day. It was a relatively short relationship so you'll bounce back. There's no magic bullet, just time and distraction.

I do wonder whether you'd have felt any sympathy for his wife, had she been the one on the receiving end of the break up.

starkwinterfell · 20/01/2019 22:11

His poor wife.

Schmoobarb · 20/01/2019 22:12

You are not any of those horrible things you said about yourself. You have been incredibly foolish though. Thank fuck you didn’t get pregnant and have something tying you to this dicksplash for ever.

He was never going to leave his wife and he’s still having sex with her. He’s led you along.

Lick your wounds, block him, work on your self esteem, and when you feel strong enough you can maybe meet someone who is free to be with you.

Santaclarita · 20/01/2019 22:35

I'm not sure what you really want from posting this thread. You seem to just want people to hate you and call you names.

You've made a lot of mistakes. Namely having sex with a married man. Believing his lies.

He. Is. Never. Going. To. Leave. His. Wife. For. You. And. Was. Never. Going. To.

He said whatever he needed, which wasn't much, to get you into bed. He's now found out he wasn't the only one sleeping with you and isn't happy about it. Pot kettle black since he was probably sleeping with his wife, but maybe not. Not as if other married couples are at it like rabbits all the time.

The important part is he was never going to be with you officially. He lied to you, a lot. Block him and forget about him. Move on.

Don't date other men, dont sleep with other men. For a long time. Focus on yourself, get therapy to learn to like yourself since you clearly don't, and set some standards for what you want in a partner.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 20/01/2019 22:37

All your guilt is about him, and not about his wife or kids. Redirect it and end the pity party and dramatics.

Fiddie · 20/01/2019 22:43

He's played you like a fiddle.

Got you thinking it's your fault he's not leaving his wife

wishingforapositiveyear · 20/01/2019 22:49

Op are you the same age as his kids?

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