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Original poster

I cheated at the start of our two year relationship, and he's found out I lied about it. I don't know what to do

134 replies

JoeyBax · 20/01/2019 18:09

Hello. I just want to start by saying that I don't want judged and I don't want to be made feel worse than I already do, I just need help from something or someone.

So, in my past I was a slag/whore/horrible person, and it didn't seem to matter to me who I was sleeping with or anything like that. I was a horrible horrible person.
But then I met a guy (December 2017), and I asked him for his number which he refused, and then changed his mind. But, he's married (I didn't know that when I asked, but he did tell me nearly straight away). But that didn't bother me, because he was so kind and nice to me. I wanted friendship and I had finally found it. But things developed and we started being more than friends and he fell in love with me and I with him.
But I messed up, because for the first few months I was still seeing and phoning another guy, this I had always denied ever happened. He knew I phoned him, but I always denied sleeping with him. It did come to an end and I stopped all contact with the other guy, blocked and deleted, and I never saw or spoke to him again. But my boyfriend found out 2 weeks ago that it was all true. That I was sleeping with that other guy at the start of our new relationship. And I don't know what to do. I don't have the answers
Background on my BF. He's still married, and he still goes home to his wife every night. But he was putting everything in place to be with me. Payed off bills and cars and the house. Made sure his kids (age 21 and 17) were in full time work and both had cars.
He was ready to walk away from his life at home 2 weeks ago today, and then he found out about my lies and my cheating on him
I just want advice or something. How do I get his trust back. He shouts at me and gets angry and says horrible nasty things to me, and I keep showering him in love and caring and nice words, and forgiving him for his nasty words and anger towards me.
I don't want told that I should never have cheated, because I know that. I don't want to give excuses as to why I did it, because I don't know why I did it
I've never been in love before, I never felt loved, and I've never had love to give. But I'm so hurting right now because I'm still in love with him. Even with his angry and nasty words. Nothing compares to what I did to him :( I just don't know what to do.....

OP posts:
ToeToToe · 20/01/2019 19:28

I don't condone your affair, but he's got a bloody nerve being angry with you for "cheating" when he's the one who is married.

You could do with tackling your low self-esteem. I agree with pp's he probably has no intention of leaving his wife - although if the wife finds out about you and throws him out, you may find him on you doorstep. That's how this often happens.

You need this man out of your life.

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 20/01/2019 19:29

You've done nothing wrong, well not to him anyway, he sleeps with his WIFE every night.

OohToBeAah · 20/01/2019 19:29

I think your "boyfriend" lost the moral high ground when he chose to, repeatedly, cheat on his wife. If you are a liar, who he can't trust, then what does that make him?

End your entanglement with this man. Do not, under any circumstances, bring a child into this situation.
Please attend, and then continue attending counselling to deal with your issues. You'll soon realise that you are worth so much more than this, and will set your bar higher.

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 20/01/2019 19:30

You've done nothing wrong, well not to him anyway, he sleeps with his WIFE every night.

ciderhouserules · 20/01/2019 19:31

OF COURSE he was sleeping in the same bed and not having sex! Of course he was 'going to leave her'.

Except - NO. He really was having his cake and eating it. And he was and is never going to leave his wife.

You are not a whore/slag/horrible person. You DO need to stop seeing this cheating scumbag and start working on yourself.

You don't need to sleep with anyone, but if you do, try to pick people who are not married; it's not hard.

As for the other guy - you were single and could sleep with whomever you wanted to. You and cheating scumbag were not 'exclusive' and so what if you lied to him - he has been lying to you all along. Because he had a nice little set-up - you for fun, wife for wifely stuff. And now he has something he can beat you up with . He can be horrible to you and you will blame yourself - rather than him.

Get rid of him. HE is the horrible person.

Ragnarhairybreetches · 20/01/2019 19:33

I would wonder what his wife's version is?
Sorry OP this is his excuse not to leave his wife, he wasn't planning to. The joys of being the AP. If you're with a liar, chances are they're lieing to you

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 20/01/2019 19:36

Karma I guess!

MrMeSeeks · 20/01/2019 19:41

What are you doing with your life?
You want to bring a child into this?
He's NEVER going to leave his wife. He's jumping for joy that hes found this out so he doesn't have to come up with an excuse.
He's been shagging his wife too.
Use this as an experience to learn.

UpTownFuck · 20/01/2019 19:46

I’d be telling his wife, surely she derserves to know what he’s been doing behind her back and who knows who else he’s been sleeping with might not just be with the OP

woollyheart · 20/01/2019 19:50

I'm sure he won't mind you telling his wife that you were trying for a child, as their relationship was over and they weren't having sex.....

Errr! I think she might have quite a different story, don't you?

mimibunz · 20/01/2019 19:52

When you lie down with dogs you wake up with fleas. Do the right thing and walk away. Find your own man instead of someone else’s.

Giesabreak · 20/01/2019 19:53

And I have to question the TTC. What guy with a DC in his twenties, and is supposedly paying off the house, are, etc. really wants to start again with a woman he's never even lived with? As someone said, either he's had a vasectomy, or you're exaggerating that part.

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/01/2019 19:58

OP You sound desperate to be loved and validated. And this has lead you to being conned by this man. He has bullshited you so much and you have soaked it up because you thought it was coming from a place of love. You trusted the wrong man and feel for the same lies that unfaithful married men have used since time started to trick woman into bed. He's now using your 'cheating' as an excuse to stay with his wife and make you the baddy in his story. Too much of a coincidence that he was finally going to leave his wife when he found out about the other guy. That's bollox. It was all bollox.

You need to block him. He is never going to be yours. He's treat in you like shit and if you stay in contact he is going to come back to you only because he now has all the power. You are forever going to be trying to make up for your 'mistake' and this will involve having to swallow more lies and being treated like shite as you try and prove yourself to a man who doesn't actually care about you.

You ARE not a slag! You are NOT unworthy of love. I don't know what shitheads have managed to persuade you of that. He is showing his true self now! The rest was all hearts and roses to con you into bed.

You need to learn to love and validate yourself. Counselling is an excellent idea!!! Look to your future. You can be happy. You can find real love.

Please realise this man has never had your best interests at heart.

Original poster
JoeyBax · 20/01/2019 20:01

I made a mistake in my first post, and it should say December 2016

OP posts:
MissLanesAmericanCousin · 20/01/2019 20:11

And, on a side note, OP, having multiple lovers doesn't make you a horrible person. I've slept with around 40 some men and some women, before I decided to settle down with my husband. I had some great experiences (and some that were meh) but I don't regret them and I don't think I should burn in hell for it and neither does my husband think that. In fact, my colourful past turns him on.

My point is, enough with the slut shaming. Your sexual past doesn't define you as a decent or horrible person, but your choices (like sleeping with a married man and trying to conceive with him) do.

Next time, choose better

Handprints2018 · 20/01/2019 20:17

He's a hypocrite and a bullshitter. He had no intention of leaving and this conveniently puts a stamp on that for him.

Be glad you didn't get pregnant with someone like this. It would only hurt more in the long run. Cug him off and find better.

labazsisgoingmad · 20/01/2019 20:17

you cheating? whats he think he has been doing? pot and kettle im afraid dont do as i do do as i say better without him

NotANotMan · 20/01/2019 20:18

You've both been absolutely awful and thankfully now it's over, because neither of you have the morals to end it yourselves.

Get some therapy and keep your knickers on until you have got your head straight.

There is NOTHING immoral about having lots of sexual partners but your behaviour in this affair has been awful.

Musti · 20/01/2019 20:20

Good riddance to the cheating and hypocritical wanker

Original poster
JoeyBax · 20/01/2019 20:21

@misslanesamericancousin
But, I shouldn't have lied to him. If I'd been honest about the other person from the start then maybe things would be different.
He seems to think I'm still in contact with other guys. That I never stopped contact with them
But that isn't true. I cut all ties with everyone from my past. I didn't need them in my life, because well, I don't know why because. I just didn't need them
I am such a horrible person, I'm so angry with myself. I hate who I was and what I've done
He still says he didn't have sex with his wife, that he couldn't just leave them at previous times. He wanted to make sure his kids had jobs and cars. He was waiting until after his daughters 21st birthday which is in 2 weeks
But not he's found out about my lies. I never wanted to lie to him or hurt him. I don't know why I did what I did. No other guy every had respect for me, I was just a shag to them. I don't know why I put myself through that shame or anything like that. I've made a right mess of my life, and I've messed up his and even my parents too. Mum is trying to support me through my sadness and upset, but she knows I need more professional help

OP posts:
halpert · 20/01/2019 20:25

Wow, just wow
I can't believe you were trying for a baby with a man WHO IS MARRIED, they aren't even separated.

You really need to put yourself in his wives shoes. I honestly can't help but judge you, but it does sound like you have self esteem issues and I think you need help.

You actually pursued a relationship with a married man, intentionally. Wow

Oakmaiden · 20/01/2019 20:26

How old are you, JoeyBax?

halpert · 20/01/2019 20:26

And I think you're just a shag to him too. If he intended to leave his wife to be with you then he would have done it already, nobody waits around 2 years if it's something they want

lolarose9 · 20/01/2019 20:30

@JoeyBax
You are not a horrible person, therapy will help you understand this and build your self-esteem.
Life is not black and white but unfortunately on mumsnet people seem to think it is! People make mistakes all the time! That doesn't mean you need to beat yourself up over it forever. You are a human and deserve support too.
Allow yourself time to get over the relationship. Yes sleeping with a married man is a bad thing, however it doesn't make you a bad person - just one who has made a mistake.
Be kind to yourself OP, sounds like you have suffered enough.

Babdoc · 20/01/2019 20:32

OP, you can’t change the past, but you can have a much happier future.
Please leave all men alone until you’ve been through a course of counselling and some therapy.
You need help with your self esteem, you need to stop labelling yourself a slag, and you don’t need a man to validate you.
Please believe that you deserve a much more equal and caring relationship with a man who is free to be with you - not a married man, and not a man who boosts his own fragile ego by calling you a slag.
Put this car crash of an affair behind you, forgive yourself, and start work on restoring your emotional wellbeing. Good luck.