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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cheated at the start of our two year relationship, and he's found out I lied about it. I don't know what to do

134 replies

JoeyBax · 20/01/2019 18:09

Hello. I just want to start by saying that I don't want judged and I don't want to be made feel worse than I already do, I just need help from something or someone.

So, in my past I was a slag/whore/horrible person, and it didn't seem to matter to me who I was sleeping with or anything like that. I was a horrible horrible person.
But then I met a guy (December 2017), and I asked him for his number which he refused, and then changed his mind. But, he's married (I didn't know that when I asked, but he did tell me nearly straight away). But that didn't bother me, because he was so kind and nice to me. I wanted friendship and I had finally found it. But things developed and we started being more than friends and he fell in love with me and I with him.
But I messed up, because for the first few months I was still seeing and phoning another guy, this I had always denied ever happened. He knew I phoned him, but I always denied sleeping with him. It did come to an end and I stopped all contact with the other guy, blocked and deleted, and I never saw or spoke to him again. But my boyfriend found out 2 weeks ago that it was all true. That I was sleeping with that other guy at the start of our new relationship. And I don't know what to do. I don't have the answers
Background on my BF. He's still married, and he still goes home to his wife every night. But he was putting everything in place to be with me. Payed off bills and cars and the house. Made sure his kids (age 21 and 17) were in full time work and both had cars.
He was ready to walk away from his life at home 2 weeks ago today, and then he found out about my lies and my cheating on him
I just want advice or something. How do I get his trust back. He shouts at me and gets angry and says horrible nasty things to me, and I keep showering him in love and caring and nice words, and forgiving him for his nasty words and anger towards me.
I don't want told that I should never have cheated, because I know that. I don't want to give excuses as to why I did it, because I don't know why I did it
I've never been in love before, I never felt loved, and I've never had love to give. But I'm so hurting right now because I'm still in love with him. Even with his angry and nasty words. Nothing compares to what I did to him :( I just don't know what to do.....

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 20/01/2019 18:26

@JoeyBax
"Because that's what I've been told I was"
By who OP?

I think you have been abused for a long time and decided it was your fault.

sparklefarts · 20/01/2019 18:27

WAit what, he's still married and thought he would try for a baby with you? Besides everything else, how on earth did you think a baby would work?

JacquettaW · 20/01/2019 18:27

I was reserving this for a special thread and I think this is it

Have my first ever Biscuit

woollyheart · 20/01/2019 18:29

Did he tell you that you were a slag/whore?

You need to be more choosy about your future partners. Try not going out with married male slags and whores.

Boysandbuses · 20/01/2019 18:29

You were trying for a baby with a married man....actually actively trying?

I am not going to call you names, but what you are doing is horrible. Not to him.to his wife. Why would you want to be with a man who is screwing over the person he is meant to put first. He has no loyalty or morals.

Fwiw, if he hadn't have found out about you lying, he would have found another reason not to leave. He wasn't leaving her.

Both of your behaviours are horrible.

AnotherEmma · 20/01/2019 18:30

Wtf are you doing?
He's married.
He's abusive.
Why on earth are you TTC?

The guy you "cheated" with (it's not as if you and married man were "exclusive", is it?) is irrelevant.

You clearly have low self esteem. You were probably not treated very well by your parents. Perhaps they didn't show you a good model of relationships. That's not your fault, but you do have chance to change things for yourself now.

I strongly advise you to get counselling. See www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-a-therapist/#.XES-EKSnwlQ

I also recommend the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, and the Freedom Programme (Google it).

Boysandbuses · 20/01/2019 18:30

If he was ttc with you before he left his wife, he is a total dick and doesn't give a shit about you or her.

In fact I would bet a tenner he has had a vasectomy

CupoBlood · 20/01/2019 18:31

This is the excuse he was looking for, if it hadn't been that it would have been something else. It's too convenient.

More importantly why are you talking about yourself like that? This man didn't save you from being a slag.

You must cut off contact with him or else you will let yourself go back to the beginning of being the ow and being to scared to ask for more.

AnotherEmma · 20/01/2019 18:31

Oh lots of posts since I started writing mine. I see you are about to start counselling - that's good.

category12 · 20/01/2019 18:33

If you stay with him, at least wait for him to actually leave his wife and start living with you before trying for a baby. Have a little sense.

If you're for real, you really need counselling and to work on your self-esteem.

GloomyMonday · 20/01/2019 18:33

How come you are considered a cheat because you slept with someone else, but he isn't considered a cheat for continuing to live with his wife? Is it just because he was honest about it but you lied?

As pp have said, it sounds like the latest excuse to avoid leaving his wife.

I don't really know what you want us to say. You pursued a married man, cheated on him, and have been found out. He feels how he feels. It sounds to the unbiased observer that you have had a lucky escape from an utter scumbag (his poor wife!), but if you are sad that he's ending it then that unfortunately is what happens when you lie and are found out.

I suppose his wife and children will be equally sad when they find out about it all - more so actually - but you don't sound especially worried about anyone else's sadness but your own.

Morgan12 · 20/01/2019 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

lifebegins50 · 20/01/2019 18:34

How old are you ? You sound very young and unwordly.

Sleeping around does not make you a horrible person, it is usually related to feel seated emotional issue from childhood.

You will get over this man, who is not good man.
Use this experience to raise your bar and go for someone who isn't already married.
You might be deliberately seeking emotionally unavailable men..Google it.

Giesabreak · 20/01/2019 18:43

His wife needs to know she's overdue an STI screening. When did you last have one?

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 20/01/2019 18:43

Trying for a baby with a married man? This is just too funny.

Original poster
JoeyBax · 20/01/2019 18:45

@giesabreak
I had one about 2 months ago

OP posts:
AnotherOneBitesTheDust · 20/01/2019 18:45

I am genuinely confused. You keep referring to him as your boyfriend. He isn't your boyfriend. He is married. And not to you. I am also confused as to why you are blaming yourself for ruining something that didn't exist in the first place. You are beating yourself up over you sleeping with someone 'in the beginning' when he goes home to a bed with his wife each night? And the beginning of what exactly, it isn't anything at all. You could have slept with someone different every week if you wanted, you owe this 'man' (if he can even be called that) absolutely nothing. If he wanted to be with you he would have been with you a long time ago. You are both as bad as each other. I really feel for his wife. And I feel for you too that you are that out of touch you can't see this for what is really is.

Original poster
JoeyBax · 20/01/2019 18:46

@notthefordtype
I've been told I'm a lot worse by him. That I should rot in hell and everything.
I've made a mistake coming on here

OP posts:
Boysandbuses · 20/01/2019 18:47

Have you been told this stuff during the art is, or since he found out?

Original poster
JoeyBax · 20/01/2019 18:48

@notthefordtype
It is all my fault. That's why

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 20/01/2019 18:49

What were you hoping to get from this thread?
How can we help you?

Mintychoc1 · 20/01/2019 18:49

A friend of mine had an affair with a married man. He kept setting dates for when he’d leave his wife. Each time, a couple of weeks before the date, he’d remind her of her colourful past (she’d had lots of boyfriends and one night stands), and say he couldn’t trust her not to cheat.
It basically gave him an excuse to never leave his wife.

Orange6904 · 20/01/2019 18:49

@JoeyBax People are shocked because a lot of us have been in the wifes shoes. Most posters are trying to help.

woollyheart · 20/01/2019 18:51

He is abusive, and you should forget about him.

Did you agree with him that you were in a mutually exclusive relationship? No, because he was married....

You had a perfect right to go out with other people. But you shouldn't try for a child with a man who is married to someone else.

Good luck with the counselling!Thanks

gamerchick · 20/01/2019 18:52

OP it's pretty obvious he wanted an excuse to break it off with you. He can't take the moral high ground when he's married and still with his wife.

Stop trying to win him back, take a break from men and work on your self esteem. You deserve better than this.