New man very different views on sex and male friends

[GreenyBlueEyes]

Hi all!

I have met a new man through OLD, he's handsome, hardworking and kind and we've been dating about 3 months now. I'm a bit unsure how to proceed as we have very different views on a few things and I wonder if it will develop into a problem.

He wanted to be exclusive very quickly as he did not want us dating other people. I agreed to this as I liked him but am not so sure if he is too possessive.

So, i have equal numbers of male and female friends but probably socialise with women slightly more often overall. New guy has no issue with me seeing female pals and has female friends himself.

However, he is very uncomfortable with me seeing male friends and has said that he does not want me discussing anything at all to do with sex with any other men at any point.

Whilst I do not discuss my/ our sex life with male friends (or female, really), or wish for sex to be the main topic of conversation with any friend, I would not demur if one of them told me a rude joke or anecdote, or wanted to discuss sex in a less personal way, such as politically- say, about prostitution laws, to name a recent discussion.

I repeated a brief funny story one of my male friends told me about buying a mate a rude Christmas present as a joke and it led to a huge argument as new guy felt that was not a suitable topic for me to be discussing with another man (it was literally that my friend wrapped up a box of condoms for a secret Santa for someone who found it funny, no further sexual detail. Yes, a bit immature but just a joke).

He also got upset when a male friend who lives some distance away skyped me to tell me about his new job offer. Apparently a man would not video call an unrelated woman unless they have been led on sexually.

Is it normal for a man to be this uncomfortable with a partner having male friends? Also do other women rule out sex as a conversation topic entirely out of 'respect' for their partner? I'm not talking about sexting or chatting in a titillating way which of course i would not do with friends. Hopefully I don't sound as though I never shut up about sex, just trying to think of some examples where it might come up in conversation.

He was also in a bad mood last night which I had to jolly him out of because I met a male friend for an hour for a coffee after work. New guy was annoyed that I didn't text him back during part of this hour (not deliberate, I just didn't hear my phone).

We are from different cultures so I'm not sure if that might explain part of the differing views. I suppose I'm wondering if it's me that's in the wrong here. I suppose I am quite liberal and not easily shocked but maybe that's a bit weird? I don't know.

I assumed this behaviour was largely due to cultural difference and tried to see past it in order to be fair/ tolerant/ give things a chance
He's not the one for you.
Use this as a learning experience

For future, I think you need to be clear with yourself about what your boundaries are and what things you don't mind compromising on.
That will remain consistent no matter what cultural or religious differences.
I come from a similar cultural background and very early on i'd decided what i did not want in a man...and in a life together if we were to get married/have kids.
That's pretty much ruled out all men from my culture and 'religion'
The 'westernised' pool is not as big as i'd assumed either because mindsets like this exist in all cultures.

There are two mixed race (and religion) marriages with children in my family, their compromises work for them and they're happy.
However, their compromises wouldn't work for me so i'm still holding onto hope

Has he done the exam yet, OP? Just wondering how you are and if you have been able to LTB yet?

Sounds like a total knob-end. Only you and your friends get decide what the topic of conversation should be.

Glad you're going to dump him. Make it sooner rather than later!

Hey guys, exam is tomorrow so gearing up to finish things afterwards. Urgh.

Not condoning it at all (certainly won't do it) but in instances like this, I can almost see why people succumb to the temptation to ghost. I think he needs to hear why but don't imagine he'll take a blind bit of notice.

Haven't read the whole thread since your first few posts OP. Dump him. He sounds weird.

What annoys me is that I've slipped into trying to tiptoe around his values, such as telling him before meeting my friend the other night. Usually at this stage i would mention it in passing or during a chat about our respective days. I'd only really make a point of telling someone ahead of time out of courtesy if we lived together, not to manage their reaction.

I honestly wouldn't say he's all bad despite this side of him but its alarming to see how easy it's been to slip into this pattern of walking on eggshells etc and changing my behaviour.

Not Normal. Not Ok.

Not read the thread but he sounds awful. Very jealous and controlling. It will never get better. I could not deal with that kind of behaviour

I usually hate the RTFT police but the OP updated many times and reiterated just 2 or three posts before to say she's ending it. So you didn't have to read more than 4 posts...

Good luck later OP. I'd do it in a public place if I were you

Text him then block him simple.

Thank goodness you are finishing with him. Don't delay once examnisnover though or hell suck you back in.

Be prepared for him to try and make you think your decision is wrong and change your mind. I suspect he won't take this lightly as it is not his decision and he won't understand why you wouldn't want to be with him. Stick to your guns and be prepared to block him the moment you have told him it's over.

Good luck GBE, you sound nice. Friends and relatives have tried proper relationships with men like this - Muslims who live with their mums and have nineteenth century views on things - and each time it has ended in a properly nasty situation. So let him do his exam -like I said, a nice thing to do - then a goodbye message.

Hey op I've been thinking about you tonight and hope you are ok

How is it going OP?

I would like to than everyone very very much, your perspective and support has been so valuable. As I say, this guy isn't a complete monster but there are plenty of partners who are and I can see you giving someone in a much worse situation real strength and confidence.

So had the conversation last night, I included the examples mentioned in OP. He didnt get aggressive but it predictably became all about me having no boundaries and the huge compromise he's made accepting a partner outside his religion and not asking me to convert (erm... if that was a big deal, why not look on OLD for a partner who subscribes to the religion or other acceptable faiths. Plenty of fabulous women around who do. I never asked him to compromise in that way and I'm sure there are ways to either politely stipulate that's what you're after or to filter/ use a specialist service).

He also lied upright on the point mentioning exes claiming he had never mentioned his. Complete bollocks.

I believe he also tried gaslighting. Claimed I'd done or said something (can't remember exactly what). I refuted this as I did not, asked for an example. He said 'I feel as though you did which means you mustve done' which is a bit WTF.

I did want to have this out with him over the phone and am glad I did although he is now convinced I am just another awful woman who doesn't understand his way of thinking. Which is annoying as I made a real effort to learn about his culture and faith.

Oh well. Back on bumble I suppose!

** should say he Lied outright, not upright haha

Kind of feeling like I'll.never meet the right man or have children though

But you will! Stay strong. Well done - to be honest, no man is better than a man who treats you so badly.

Well done OP, that takes guts. Actually I think recognising this for what it is and giving yourself clear boundaries makes it more likely that you will meet the right bloke. Good luck.

Serious double standards here, he's allowed female friends but you are not allowed male friends..... Run girl.dump and run!

You're better off getting sperm donor than saddled with an asshat for life. Just look at the 100s of threads on here with women tearing their hair out having to be tied to these idiots for the rest of their lives.

Well done OP. That is one misogynistic, sexist and ridiculously old-fashioned tosser you have got rid of.

But As relationships progress and couples eventually get married, any male friends you may have will slowly start to stop contacting you out of respect of your marriage and vice versa but its not usually forced upon, its just a natural transaction. left me open mouthed! This is from a woman??!

Is she saying that you have male friends before marriage who only actually think they have a 'shot' with you, and that it's only when you are married that they back off? Out of 'respect' for your marriage i.e. they no longer are in the running to get you.....which is why they can no longer be your friend?

Seems that it's not just the OPs sexist tosser who thinks that men are only after one thing.

Amazingly, some women seem to have, want and keep friends of the opposite sex. For no other reason than they are friends, like those of the same sex.