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Original poster

New man very different views on sex and male friends

239 replies

GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 16:04

Hi all!

I have met a new man through OLD, he's handsome, hardworking and kind and we've been dating about 3 months now. I'm a bit unsure how to proceed as we have very different views on a few things and I wonder if it will develop into a problem.

He wanted to be exclusive very quickly as he did not want us dating other people. I agreed to this as I liked him but am not so sure if he is too possessive.

So, i have equal numbers of male and female friends but probably socialise with women slightly more often overall. New guy has no issue with me seeing female pals and has female friends himself.

However, he is very uncomfortable with me seeing male friends and has said that he does not want me discussing anything at all to do with sex with any other men at any point.

Whilst I do not discuss my/ our sex life with male friends (or female, really), or wish for sex to be the main topic of conversation with any friend, I would not demur if one of them told me a rude joke or anecdote, or wanted to discuss sex in a less personal way, such as politically- say, about prostitution laws, to name a recent discussion.

I repeated a brief funny story one of my male friends told me about buying a mate a rude Christmas present as a joke and it led to a huge argument as new guy felt that was not a suitable topic for me to be discussing with another man (it was literally that my friend wrapped up a box of condoms for a secret Santa for someone who found it funny, no further sexual detail. Yes, a bit immature but just a joke).

He also got upset when a male friend who lives some distance away skyped me to tell me about his new job offer. Apparently a man would not video call an unrelated woman unless they have been led on sexually.

Is it normal for a man to be this uncomfortable with a partner having male friends? Also do other women rule out sex as a conversation topic entirely out of 'respect' for their partner? I'm not talking about sexting or chatting in a titillating way which of course i would not do with friends. Hopefully I don't sound as though I never shut up about sex, just trying to think of some examples where it might come up in conversation.

He was also in a bad mood last night which I had to jolly him out of because I met a male friend for an hour for a coffee after work. New guy was annoyed that I didn't text him back during part of this hour (not deliberate, I just didn't hear my phone).

We are from different cultures so I'm not sure if that might explain part of the differing views. I suppose I'm wondering if it's me that's in the wrong here. I suppose I am quite liberal and not easily shocked but maybe that's a bit weird? I don't know.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 16/01/2019 06:53

But didn't you say that he has female friends so the culture thing doesn't really make sensedoes it?

Ha! spot on @ ALittleBitConfused1

He is allowed female friends. You are not allowed male friends Confused

trulybadlydeeply · 16/01/2019 06:54

Please end it as soon as he's done his exam, text him o nice the exam has started. Not that he deserves you to be so considerate, but if that feels right/better to you, then fair enough. Don't lower your standards for this pathetic man. Don't see him or have contact with him in the meantime though.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 16/01/2019 07:05

Glad you’re getting rid.

He obviously views women in a very negative light along with being a hypocrite. Misogyny is not attractive.

wishywashy6 · 16/01/2019 08:39

Massive red flag!
I have male friends and we talk about everything 😳
Absolutely nothing going on with any of them and never would be. My BF has no issues with it and he's perfectly comfortable hearing stories about them as I am about any of his female friends
Run OP, he sounds controlling and possessive

Grace212 · 16/01/2019 08:49

your title was alarming, then it was all confirmed

run FAR AWAY.

BIWI · 16/01/2019 08:56

I don't think it's anything to do with his culture, or his religion (WTF does being muslim have to do with anything? Hmm)

It's him and his views about women.

But sadly, you also see a lot of this suspicion and jealousy of previous partners on Mumsnet; a lot of women don't like their male partners keeping in touch with or seeing previous girlfriends.

IMVHO it's always a bad sign if you can't trust your partner. But in your case it seems much more magnified, and your most recent post about his views about you not texting enough/quickly enough just emphasises that this is about HIM and how controlling he is.

You're kind to wait till after his exam, but don't leave it any later than that!

Racmactac · 16/01/2019 08:57

Fuck that shit. You're making right decision

Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 16/01/2019 09:00

Confused apparently his female friends are models of propriety who would never dream of skyping a man or discussing anything risqué. He usually mentions one in particular who comes from a similar (but not identical) background to him and is very modest in her behaviour, i.e. has never had a partner. He always says he wouldn't mind me having male friends if I and they could be trusted to behave appropriately.

Gah. The more I write down, the angrier I get at myself for putting up with this shit. I just want a nice, decent guy with a similar outlook.

I want to do the decent thing and not ruin his exam but I feel as though the scales have fallen from my eyes. Here I was thinking I was at fault for standing up for myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 16/01/2019 09:24

Oh and yes, Confused ideally in line with his beliefs, he shouldn't really be dating me, drinking or having sex before marriage however these things are 'between him and his God'. Not sure why I should live by his cultural values where he can pick and choose.

OP posts:
Pinkmonkeybird · 16/01/2019 09:27

Controlling. I'd get rid ASAP.

ILoveChristmasLights · 16/01/2019 09:35

Have you 100% made you mind up?

Notmyrealname85 · 16/01/2019 09:39

As pp have said, not only run but COMMIT now to never contacting him again. That is absolutely vital

Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 16/01/2019 09:42

Absolutely Christmaslights. There are other things as well that I've overlooked, not all his fault: his moods, the fact that we dont have any real interests in common, the way he tries to make me feel like a shitty person, his tantrums if I mention an ex in passing (for instance if discussing a country or place I have visited and who I went with). Not saying I am perfect.

I would feel better holding off though. I was dumped- albeit very kindly and in person- last year by someone I really liked (different circs, we got on well but the logistics were a nightmare) and there's no way I could have done my best in an exam the following day or so.

OP posts:
ILoveChristmasLights · 16/01/2019 10:03

Thank god.

I know it’s hard when you just want to have a partner and start a family, but all of that’s hard enough with a good bloke. It would have been dreadful with this bellend.

Do you have any of each other’s belongings? If not I’d just block him on everything except for email and send him an email. You don’t need to put yourself through all of his justifying and trying to get you to change your mind. He can go be a controlling twat elsewhere. Be VERY clear he will NOT change your mind. It’s over.

Back on the bike...

ILoveChristmasLights · 16/01/2019 10:04

(The minute his exam is over)

wishywashy6 · 16/01/2019 10:04

So many red flags screaming out in your last post OP
He sounds like a bell end

pusspuss9 · 16/01/2019 10:04

tried to see past it in order to be fair/ tolerant/ give things a chance.

Being careful is a lot more important than being tolerant.....

RiverTam · 16/01/2019 11:00

always be wary, in your desire to be tolerant, that you don't end up tolerating the intolerable.

IAmRubbishAtDIY · 16/01/2019 11:22

Always be wary, in your desire to be tolerant, that you don't end up tolerating the intolerable.

Just wanted to repeat that, @RiverTam, thank you.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/01/2019 11:38

Glad you've seen the light OP.
He sounds like a complete knob.
As soon as exams are over dump his sorry misogynistic arse.

Improve12 · 16/01/2019 12:24

I don't think you need to wait to do the right thing by yourself. you wait till after his exam and he will probably make sure you feel horrible. you do it before, he will be heads down in his books.

ErickBroch · 16/01/2019 12:38

This is terrifying you need to run asap. Please please take everyone's advice here seriously.

category12 · 16/01/2019 13:11

He doesn't actually like you: he sees you as a possession to be shaped or broken to his liking. If he liked you the way he should, he wouldn't be trying to make you feel like a shitty person, etc. He may feel strongly about you, but it's not love.

You really need to look at why you've been tolerating this.

Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 16/01/2019 13:28

VioletBedFrame you are absolutely right. I have thought of this. There is no way I would want any daughters of mine to be brought up under this prudish yet prurient cloud of the assumption that women are only of interest to men for sex.

OP posts:
deadliftgirl · 16/01/2019 14:53

Taking away the culture aspect for a moment ( I will come back to this), I think your new bf has seriously control issues and is insecure. You have only been dating 3 months and its way to soon to make these demands. As relationships progress and couples eventually get married, any male friends you may have will slowly start to stop contacting you out of respect of your marriage and vice versa but its not usually forced upon, its just a natural transaction.

As for the cultural differences, being in a relationship with someone from a different country can work and there can be many many benefits but it also comes with many challenges. My DH is from a different culture and we really struggled for years before we finally came to understand each other. I would say run, not because of the culture differences but because of the way he is treating you. 3 months into a relationship and your asking advice on here?

I think you know what you need to do!