New man very different views on sex and male friends

[GreenyBlueEyes]

Hi all!

I have met a new man through OLD, he's handsome, hardworking and kind and we've been dating about 3 months now. I'm a bit unsure how to proceed as we have very different views on a few things and I wonder if it will develop into a problem.

He wanted to be exclusive very quickly as he did not want us dating other people. I agreed to this as I liked him but am not so sure if he is too possessive.

So, i have equal numbers of male and female friends but probably socialise with women slightly more often overall. New guy has no issue with me seeing female pals and has female friends himself.

However, he is very uncomfortable with me seeing male friends and has said that he does not want me discussing anything at all to do with sex with any other men at any point.

Whilst I do not discuss my/ our sex life with male friends (or female, really), or wish for sex to be the main topic of conversation with any friend, I would not demur if one of them told me a rude joke or anecdote, or wanted to discuss sex in a less personal way, such as politically- say, about prostitution laws, to name a recent discussion.

I repeated a brief funny story one of my male friends told me about buying a mate a rude Christmas present as a joke and it led to a huge argument as new guy felt that was not a suitable topic for me to be discussing with another man (it was literally that my friend wrapped up a box of condoms for a secret Santa for someone who found it funny, no further sexual detail. Yes, a bit immature but just a joke).

He also got upset when a male friend who lives some distance away skyped me to tell me about his new job offer. Apparently a man would not video call an unrelated woman unless they have been led on sexually.

Is it normal for a man to be this uncomfortable with a partner having male friends? Also do other women rule out sex as a conversation topic entirely out of 'respect' for their partner? I'm not talking about sexting or chatting in a titillating way which of course i would not do with friends. Hopefully I don't sound as though I never shut up about sex, just trying to think of some examples where it might come up in conversation.

He was also in a bad mood last night which I had to jolly him out of because I met a male friend for an hour for a coffee after work. New guy was annoyed that I didn't text him back during part of this hour (not deliberate, I just didn't hear my phone).

We are from different cultures so I'm not sure if that might explain part of the differing views. I suppose I'm wondering if it's me that's in the wrong here. I suppose I am quite liberal and not easily shocked but maybe that's a bit weird? I don't know.

Jesus Christ.... run away fast, and DONT look back. A relationship - 3 months in - should be full of weekend drinks, Sunday walks, cinema on a Wednesday etc etc.

I hadnt meet DH parents, or his mine...... we were still meeting each others mates! He wouldnt have known all of my friends, nor me his. Let alone started to dictate hat friendships were "allowed"! Seriously - this is the reason he was single and dating online.

Dont allow any excuses. You are fully entitled to have as many gendered friends as you like, and talk to them about whatever you want. He doesnt get a say. If he doesnt like it, he needs to evaluate whether you have similar enough values to sustain a relationship. That is the sum total of what hes allowed to think.

DH still does things that drive me crazy / I wouldnt do - and do you know what - thats OK because he is his own person and he doesnt belong to me. Run... fast

Or you could stay and let him tell you what to wear ( I’d bet most of your clothes are probably far too sexy ) and forget that nice make up- he will tell you that you wear it to seduce men
He will filter your text and email messages - and will decide who you can or can’t talk to / spend time with
He will decide how and when you spend Money
It’s almost a given this would be your future

Do you want this life?

@deadliftgirl

As relationships progress and couples eventually get married, any male friends you may have will slowly start to stop contacting you out of respect of your marriage and vice versa

What nonsense is this?! I've been married for nearly 29 years and if I thought either my DH would stop me contacting old male friends, or my male friends would stop contacting me I'd be both very upset and very angry!!!

My friends are my friends, regardless of their sex, gender or previous relationship with me, and my DH has nothing to do with that. Don't you see that by making statements like this you're actually supporting the OP's BF's views?!

He sounds like my ex please RUN

I assume he knows where you live. Be very careful.

@BIWI

I did not mean that a DH or DW should stop their spouse contacting friends, that was not what I said! What I actually meant was that sometimes, when you get married that your friends back off a bit to respect your marriage! My DH has many friends who he speaks to on a regular basis but he does not hang out with them all the time anymore like he used to when he was single. This is because we have new goals, objectives in our lives and apart from work, uni etc we hardly time for anything.

I am not supporting the OP's Bf's views at all. I can understand that he is indeed insecure and perhaps had very bad experiences in the past. I was actually trying to get across that as relationships develop, it is understandable if you have less time for friends because you are concentrating on your family but at 3 months or even a year into a relationship, he should not be making these kind of demands.

It also comes down to our own "values", what we think are acceptable "boundaries" in a relationship and what is right and wrong. Your views are not wrong but near are mines and its always best to be open to hearing everyones points of view. What is "nonsense" is your response to my comment and I would urge you to be more open minded and read (in future) what other posters are actually saying.

Have a good day!

I think it is nonsense to talk about 'respecting someone's marriage' if that means your friendships start to recede as you suggest. I am not tied to my husband, nor him to me, and we manage to have both a united relationship but also separate relationships with other people.

As relationships progress and couples eventually get married, any male friends you may have will slowly start to stop contacting you out of respect of your marriage and vice versa but its not usually forced upon, its just a natural transaction.

Not in my world.

What I actually meant was that sometimes, when you get married that your friends back off a bit to respect your marriage! My DH has many friends who he speaks to on a regular basis but he does not hang out with them all the time anymore like he used to when he was single. This is because we have new goals, objectives in our lives and apart from work, uni etc we hardly time for anything.

But work and university are not affected by your being married. And what does 'respect' have to do with it? Do friends of both sexes have to 'respect your marriage' by backing off, or is it just friends of the opposite sex you're suddenly too busy to see?

Are you a time traveller from the 1950s?

I’m shivering just thinking about being in his company! Lucky escape..

Not good at all.
I have always had male friends, DH has always had female friends. I wouldn't dream of telling him so he could or could not be friends with, nor would be impose restrictions on my friendships.

Red flags all over here.

Either:

1. He's possessive and controlling
2. He has had bad past relationships or been taught the wrong type of relationship values from his family

Likely even both.

Whatever the case, he's being controlling. It's not like he's asking you not to go to the cinema alone with your ex, he's saying this about every man. He's saying every man is like this because that is what he is like. You subconsciously assume everyone is like you.

I used to be very flirty as a teen and still know many of those men now. DH doesn't like some of them and likes others, as naturally every personality is different - but he never insists I don't talk with them.

He's also aware and been present a few times when I've gone to comedy events where naturally crude humour is rife.

I think he is valuing himself very highly here. He's not telling you how careful he's being with his female friends.

The only part I don't find odd personally is wanting to be exclusive, as I would find it odd to be seeing someone casually but that's just a personal thing.

I think you should give this one a swerve like others have said.

My ex hated me talking to other men and it didn't bid well. I hugged one so he punched him. Life is too short for the aggro.

Also if he condemns casual relationships for wimenbut not men who are these men casually dating?

Exactly.

I would never date someone with such a differing culture because we would make each other uncomfortable I'd do what I want anyway

Run away very very fast!

Extreme jealousy is a huge red flag. Ex was very jealous even of male friends and I found it controlling. I was happy for him to have female friends but it didn't work the other way round.

Now I think of it, ex displayed some unreasonable jealousy right from the start and I ignored the warning bells.

Don't ignore warning bells. They are there for a reason.

RUN. If he is doing this at 3 months, it will most likely get a whole lot worse. He may eventually limit your contact with female friends too, watch your conversations, ask you to text when where and how long youre out - it is perfectly reasonable not to text back during a one hour coffee meet with a mate - honestly I think its rude to your friend to have to text your guy what youre doing. I dated a guy who showed this sign after date 4, thankfully never saw him again after date 5.

get out of there fast.

You're all right. I just really wanted to meet someone and tried to stick with something that was never right. Lesson learned: dont ignore gut feelings. Argh. Back to the online dating then!

gut feeling is always right.

there's no good reason for a guy to be like this, ever. Glad you've decided to ditch him.

Good luck GreenyBlueEyes

He definitely bad news, relationships should be fun and loving, he is neither.

I'm a people pleaser, a pushover and don't have much sense around guys, (used to be more assertive, but lost a lot of confidence over the last 15 years) but even I know this is a bad sign.

Get out now whilst you still can.

I had someone try this when we first got together. My best friend is male and the new guy told me to choose between him and my best friend of over 8 years.
I said I've made my choice and hung up. I ignored him for a while, but answered one of his calls eventually, and said if you ever tell me who I can be friends with or pull that kind of behaviour again we're done.

No No no no no!

Do you really have to ask? It isn’t a ‘man’ thing it’s a ‘one rule me and another rule for women’ sexist pig thing.

Drop the Neanderthal forthwith.

Good luck OP.
I wasted 18 months with an arse like this. Nothing to do with culture, he was just a controlling knobhead who spouted the same nonsense as this bloke.
My situation got progressively worse and ended with police involvement to get rid of him. 15 years old and I'm amazed I ever got blindsided and mixed up in this relationship.

15 years ago not 15 years old.

Run. For. The. Hills.