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Original poster

New man very different views on sex and male friends

239 replies

GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 16:04

Hi all!

I have met a new man through OLD, he's handsome, hardworking and kind and we've been dating about 3 months now. I'm a bit unsure how to proceed as we have very different views on a few things and I wonder if it will develop into a problem.

He wanted to be exclusive very quickly as he did not want us dating other people. I agreed to this as I liked him but am not so sure if he is too possessive.

So, i have equal numbers of male and female friends but probably socialise with women slightly more often overall. New guy has no issue with me seeing female pals and has female friends himself.

However, he is very uncomfortable with me seeing male friends and has said that he does not want me discussing anything at all to do with sex with any other men at any point.

Whilst I do not discuss my/ our sex life with male friends (or female, really), or wish for sex to be the main topic of conversation with any friend, I would not demur if one of them told me a rude joke or anecdote, or wanted to discuss sex in a less personal way, such as politically- say, about prostitution laws, to name a recent discussion.

I repeated a brief funny story one of my male friends told me about buying a mate a rude Christmas present as a joke and it led to a huge argument as new guy felt that was not a suitable topic for me to be discussing with another man (it was literally that my friend wrapped up a box of condoms for a secret Santa for someone who found it funny, no further sexual detail. Yes, a bit immature but just a joke).

He also got upset when a male friend who lives some distance away skyped me to tell me about his new job offer. Apparently a man would not video call an unrelated woman unless they have been led on sexually.

Is it normal for a man to be this uncomfortable with a partner having male friends? Also do other women rule out sex as a conversation topic entirely out of 'respect' for their partner? I'm not talking about sexting or chatting in a titillating way which of course i would not do with friends. Hopefully I don't sound as though I never shut up about sex, just trying to think of some examples where it might come up in conversation.

He was also in a bad mood last night which I had to jolly him out of because I met a male friend for an hour for a coffee after work. New guy was annoyed that I didn't text him back during part of this hour (not deliberate, I just didn't hear my phone).

We are from different cultures so I'm not sure if that might explain part of the differing views. I suppose I'm wondering if it's me that's in the wrong here. I suppose I am quite liberal and not easily shocked but maybe that's a bit weird? I don't know.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 15/01/2019 23:00

For fuck’s sake OP.

Oooh yes, stay with the sexist, controlling, hypocritical fuckwit! See you in a few months for a new thread where the abuse and control has escalated! Whoop whoop!

Alternatively you could use your brain.

Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 23:02

In terms if what culture, it sounds similar to a pp's DH where men and women don't really socialise. I'd rather not say tbh, on the very small chance the Daily Mail get hold of this (not that my life is particularly newsworthy!) I wouldn't want it to become an article about bashing that culture/ religion as that wouldn't be fair on everyone else who doesn't think like him.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 15/01/2019 23:13

I hope he hasn't suggested you move in together already.

Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 23:17

No, Banana still lives with his mum. Can't see him giving up her cooking in a hurry!

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 15/01/2019 23:24

Well thank goodness for that. From what I've learnt on mn controlling types want to move in quickly to keep an eye on you.

Renarde1975 · 15/01/2019 23:28

More red flags than a communist rally.

However... to answer to your first queston, unless old male pals YEARS standing, im always circumspect on discussing that topic. Until trust is fully earned, you never know.

Just my take.

Please advose us frothing berserkers when you've kicked him into touch. Grin we will live vicariously through you Grin

Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 23:39

I'm holding off until a couple of days, he's got an exam at work this week and whatever his faults he does have strong feelings for me. I'd feel a prick putting him on the back foot for the exam. I'm not planning to see him until after anyway so it doesn't make much difference. Definitely ending this though as a soon as I can, I think just writing things down made me see it's not right.

OP posts:
Nutellalovesme · 15/01/2019 23:47

@GreenyBlueEyes have you met his mother?

JazKish · 15/01/2019 23:57

@GreenyBlueEyes He sounds like my ex(he was middle eastern),it started off with no male friends to kicking off when I spend time with family or female friends,cos he would keep texting the whole time and expected me to text back immediately,which was hard to do if I'm with friends. He also used to insist that he tag along everywhere I go and it got to the point where I used to dread going back home cos he would be in a mood that I was out and complain that I am not attentive anymore.He wanted my entire world to revolve around him,I was suffocating and unhappy and ended it.This guy is already starting to control you only after few months so leave him now,don't waste any more time.

wheresthehope · 16/01/2019 00:04

RUN like the wind...And don't look back!!!

NowYouHaveDoneIt · 16/01/2019 00:09

It may not be cultural OP. I went out with someone with the same views. Didnt like me telling a rude joke to a group of his friends. One of his friends gf warned me he was possesive with his last gf. Some men are like this regardless of culture. Just keep an eye in the future is all Im saying. Good luck with it all.

IAmRubbishAtDIY · 16/01/2019 00:13

I see you've met my ex.

I'm glad to hear you are leaving my ex.

Ribbonsonabox · 16/01/2019 00:14

Massive red flags. He sounds a controlling bastard. That type of behaviour only escalates. Get rid.

loolooskip · 16/01/2019 00:24

Good Lord. I'll echo what everyone else has said 'he'd get so so so much worse and you'd have a dog's life'.

MulticolourMophead · 16/01/2019 01:22

but if I'm being totally honest I think I assumed this behaviour was largely due to cultural difference and tried to see past it in order to be fair/ tolerant/ give things a chance.

But even for strong women, being "fair" is something we are socialised to do. Having left a bad relationship, and having worked on myself, I am totally happy now to kick people into touch. Life is too short to tolerate poor behaviour from others, whether a BF, friend, family, whatever.

And I can see why you're leaving it until after his exam, but I'd say do it by email or text. No opening for any arguments, and you can block straight after. If he knows where you live, just be careful answering the door, as I'm not convinced he'll go easily.

Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 16/01/2019 01:30

Nutella not met his mum, no. Met his sister though and her DC.

Jazkish yes, I'm forever being moaned at for not replying quickly or at enough length in texts. It just feels like I can never be attentive enough even in person.

OP posts:
WanderingTrolley1 · 16/01/2019 01:47

Is he a muslim?

oiiiiiii · 16/01/2019 02:22

My ex was like this. No cultural difference. He was just massively, toxically insecure and believed wholeheartedly that it was up to the women in his life to modify themselves in such a way to make him feel like the only man on earth.

I can't stress enough how fast you need to run from this guy. This is life ruining, beating you to death stuff. This is how it starts.

Senioritafamiglia · 16/01/2019 05:25

'more red flags than a communist rally' Grin

This^^

Hills. Run. Trainers. Bike. Car. Helicopter even.

Don't even do it by phone. Do it by text. Don't get sucked back in!! Imagine a life of this!!! No! Just no.

Oblomov19 · 16/01/2019 05:48

'more red flags than a communist rally' 

StarlightLady · 16/01/2019 06:07

I met someone once (now history) who got funny about me going topless on the beach, although prior to him, I had been doing it for many a year.

No need to run but there is a need to read the riot act. Just explain it is your life, your rules. Is he prepared to accept it? Yes or No? If it’s no, if you don’t walk away now, it will get worse.

NicoAndTheNiners · 16/01/2019 06:21

If he's like this 3 months in it will get worse.

VioletBedframe · 16/01/2019 06:30

Glad to hear you are ending it with him Greenyblueeyes.
I second the suggestion for you to do the Freedom Programme. You can do this online. Also suggest you read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft.
The man you describe definitely fits the profile of an abuser. Your instincts were sensing this and you are now following them. Now is a good time to read up on the red flags that everyone is talking about so that you can recognise them in future and understand why it is so important to steer clear of men like this. It will also help you to understand what has motivated this man to behave the way he does and why you have been drawn to him. Essentially he’s a misogynist and an abusive controlling man. He is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He believes women are something to own and control. Being abusive means getting pleasure out of causing others pain. Every time you have an argument with him, or he tells you how to behave and he sees the look of confusion and unhappiness on your face he gets an abusive kick out of it. I know, it’s sick to you and me. But that’s how they choose to be.
You may already realise this but you are vulnerable to this type of man for a number of reasons. Firstly because you are a nice, rational, liberal, independent woman. You are exactly the kind of woman guys like this like to ‘break down’. Secondly because of the events in your past which you have recognised yourself have affected your self worth. Thirdly, because you would like to meet someone and have children. When you read the book you will understand why that makes you more vulnerable.
The knowledge you will gain from the Freedom Programme as ‘Why Does he do that’ book will also help you to recognise the good guys not just the bad guys. When you’re dating, be picky, listen to your gut, set boundaries for how you expect to be treated. Cast off the guys who push and disrespect those boundaries. Stay with the guy who shares your views, respects your boundaries, supports your relationships with friends and family, is consistent in his good mood.
Remember that you are essentially choosing your potential child’s father. Think hard about the kind of ‘attitude to women’ you would like your daughters father to have. It might sound premature. It isn’t.

Ncobvs · 16/01/2019 06:40

It will only get worse. Leave him.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 16/01/2019 06:41

But didn't you say that he has female friends so the culture thing doesn't really make sensedoes it?
Whatever way you look at it, for whatever reason he is still trying to tell you what you can and can't do. 12 weeks in not a good sign.
And if his culture is so focused on men and women discussing sex, having inappropriate friendships I'm assuming as a couple who have only been seeing eachother for a mere 12 weeks that you two don't have or discuss sex, or is that ok in his culture?
You're making excuses op, his exam is not your concern, the way he treats you is.
You say he has strong feelings for you, well I learned the hard way that what someone says and the way they actually feel are 2 v different things.
After my experience (where I also excused and minimised his behaviour) I now prefer to base my judgement on how someone actually treats me, the level of respect they show me rather than the words they tell me.