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Original poster

New man very different views on sex and male friends

239 replies

GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 16:04

Hi all!

I have met a new man through OLD, he's handsome, hardworking and kind and we've been dating about 3 months now. I'm a bit unsure how to proceed as we have very different views on a few things and I wonder if it will develop into a problem.

He wanted to be exclusive very quickly as he did not want us dating other people. I agreed to this as I liked him but am not so sure if he is too possessive.

So, i have equal numbers of male and female friends but probably socialise with women slightly more often overall. New guy has no issue with me seeing female pals and has female friends himself.

However, he is very uncomfortable with me seeing male friends and has said that he does not want me discussing anything at all to do with sex with any other men at any point.

Whilst I do not discuss my/ our sex life with male friends (or female, really), or wish for sex to be the main topic of conversation with any friend, I would not demur if one of them told me a rude joke or anecdote, or wanted to discuss sex in a less personal way, such as politically- say, about prostitution laws, to name a recent discussion.

I repeated a brief funny story one of my male friends told me about buying a mate a rude Christmas present as a joke and it led to a huge argument as new guy felt that was not a suitable topic for me to be discussing with another man (it was literally that my friend wrapped up a box of condoms for a secret Santa for someone who found it funny, no further sexual detail. Yes, a bit immature but just a joke).

He also got upset when a male friend who lives some distance away skyped me to tell me about his new job offer. Apparently a man would not video call an unrelated woman unless they have been led on sexually.

Is it normal for a man to be this uncomfortable with a partner having male friends? Also do other women rule out sex as a conversation topic entirely out of 'respect' for their partner? I'm not talking about sexting or chatting in a titillating way which of course i would not do with friends. Hopefully I don't sound as though I never shut up about sex, just trying to think of some examples where it might come up in conversation.

He was also in a bad mood last night which I had to jolly him out of because I met a male friend for an hour for a coffee after work. New guy was annoyed that I didn't text him back during part of this hour (not deliberate, I just didn't hear my phone).

We are from different cultures so I'm not sure if that might explain part of the differing views. I suppose I'm wondering if it's me that's in the wrong here. I suppose I am quite liberal and not easily shocked but maybe that's a bit weird? I don't know.

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 15/01/2019 18:44

I'm not really looking forward to telling him i don't want to see him again- not because he is abusive or threatening, more that he has an answer to everything

Do it by text or email. Don't feel like you "owe" him a face to face chat or even an explanation. You already know you will be wasting your breath, anyway.

Stick to "I" statements - my feelings have changed, I don't see a future, this relationship isnt making me happy, thus relationship is over. Say them once, then don't engage further. You don't need him to agree, you don't need to manage his feelings, you don't need to get him to accept your reasons or see your point of view.

My guess is that he will flip out and accuse you of all sorts of things - cheating on him, never having been serious because of his background, wanting to sleep around, etc. Block and ignore.

Well done for spotting this so quickly and taking action. I know what it's like to really hope that this one will work out and that it will get better in time - but the truth is, it won't.

BIWI · 15/01/2019 18:46

... and tell him why you're doing it - i.e. that his attitudes to your relationships with your friends are misplaced and insulting

bringincrazyback · 15/01/2019 18:46

HUGE red flags all over this. Dump the bastard, he'll make your life hell - this is just the start. I know the good men are hard to find but they are out there so don't sell yourself short.

Apileofballyhoo · 15/01/2019 18:47

Glad you're running - best of luck with it. It can be helpful to choose a line like 'You're just not the right person for me for the rest of my life' and keep repeating it over and over. If he tries to argue say 'I just know I won't be happy' and 'you're just not the right person...' and we are too different' etc. Do not get drawn into whys or explanations.

artisanscotcheggs · 15/01/2019 18:47

RUN FOR THE HILLS.

RangeRider · 15/01/2019 18:47

Email him. And don't get into a discussion after that. Literally one email & tell him you don't want to discuss it & don't want any further contact. Keep it simple & polite but firm.

category12 · 15/01/2019 18:49

Please do drop him. While pps have a a point about challenging him, you shouldn't have to. It shouldn't be the case that you need to protect and police your boundaries against him. At 3 months in?! Nope.

Don't feel you have to tell him face to face. I'm a big fan of the dump phone call or dump text for domineering blokes like this. It's unfairly stigmatised - I will never understand why it's OK to ask people out and conduct much of your day-to-day communication by text and suddenly dumping has to be a face to face ordeal. At 3 months, you owe him nothing.

NotANotMan · 15/01/2019 18:49

Umm run like the fucking wind

Dump him by text and tell him it's because his controlling and uptight behaviour makes you uncomfortable and you don't want it in your life. You don't have to entertain his arguments to persuade you otherwise.

RoseOfSharyn · 15/01/2019 18:49

Omg are you with my ex?!

He told me there was no possibility a woman and man could have a platonic friendship because 'men only want 1 thing'. He had numerous female friends.
When I pointed out that he 'obviously only wanted 1 thing, or he was a mysogynistic hypocrite' world war 3 broke out and I was assaulted.

That was the last of him!!

Parthenope · 15/01/2019 18:51

But having an ‘answer for everything’ is the problem, surely — can you honestly imagine dating someone for three months and laying down fiats about which of their old friends they’re allowed to see, and what they’re allowed to talk about to friends they’ve known for 20 years? Like a law???

That’s not ‘a different view’, that’s unacceptable.

Branleuse · 15/01/2019 18:52

honestly, walk away now. Before you know it he will also stop you seeing female friends, or control what you talk to them about

Arkengarthdale · 15/01/2019 18:55

That's 70-odd no's then and not a single yes to a relationship with this control freak. Run away!! And dump him by text

flumpybear · 15/01/2019 18:58

Doesn't sound good! I'd tell him that he's being ridiculous and controlling, if he cannot trust me to behave with any other man in the world then he should leave now, if he's prepared to change then we can move onwards but with no more
Controlling behaviours otherwise it's sayonara matey

MozzchopsThirty · 15/01/2019 19:00

Get rid - NOW

He can't even reign it in for 3 months, you'll be locked in the house before you know it

sosickofthisshit · 15/01/2019 19:01

Jesus, it sounds like you're dating my ex. Get rid. He's a knob and will never change

Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 19:11

Bloody hell Rose what an awful bastard! So glad you're free of him now Flowers

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 15/01/2019 19:12

If I was feeling charitable I'd say he's a nutter. Get rid.

gendercritter · 15/01/2019 19:23

I stayed with someone similar and I can promise you it only gets worse. And it's so exhausting. It sucks the life out of you.

I think you're an absolutely wonderful potential abuse victim sadly. You've suffered an assault but you're strong so not only are you vulnerable but you're able to convince yourself you won't be abused because you won't tolerate certain behaviours. Except it doesn't work as you're already accepting some alarmingly bad behaviour. It would definitely be worth doing some more work on yourself once you've ditched this guy. Have you done The Freedom Programme? It could really benefit you

greenlanes · 15/01/2019 19:24

i am afraid i think the same as the others - real red flags.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2019 19:27

You can't possibly dump him fast enough. He has ABUSER written all over him.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/01/2019 19:30

Glad to hear you’re thinking of ending this.

It’s truely not normal behaviour, it will only get worse, his expectations are not realistic and boardering on abusive behaviour

Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 19:35

Yes, I think a phone call to end things will suffice. Avoiding getting into an argument.

It's a shame but back to the drawing board! It is amazing what you will convince yourself is acceptable (not saying he is a complete monster) when you want something to work out.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 19:36

GenderCritter I have vaguely heard of it on Mumsnet threads but never looked into it. Will Google it tonight when I get in. Thanks.

OP posts:
colditz · 15/01/2019 19:37

Weird and controlling!

SexNotJenga · 15/01/2019 19:37

Sack him off, the controlling freak.

Seriously, I only got about half way through your OP.

Run for the hills. Do not pass go. Do not collect £200. Do not be manipulated by him. Do not apologise to him.

You might want to consider making sure you've got any belongings back off him first, and then breaking up with him in a public place or over the phone.

He is not nice.

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