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Original poster

New man very different views on sex and male friends

239 replies

GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 16:04

Hi all!

I have met a new man through OLD, he's handsome, hardworking and kind and we've been dating about 3 months now. I'm a bit unsure how to proceed as we have very different views on a few things and I wonder if it will develop into a problem.

He wanted to be exclusive very quickly as he did not want us dating other people. I agreed to this as I liked him but am not so sure if he is too possessive.

So, i have equal numbers of male and female friends but probably socialise with women slightly more often overall. New guy has no issue with me seeing female pals and has female friends himself.

However, he is very uncomfortable with me seeing male friends and has said that he does not want me discussing anything at all to do with sex with any other men at any point.

Whilst I do not discuss my/ our sex life with male friends (or female, really), or wish for sex to be the main topic of conversation with any friend, I would not demur if one of them told me a rude joke or anecdote, or wanted to discuss sex in a less personal way, such as politically- say, about prostitution laws, to name a recent discussion.

I repeated a brief funny story one of my male friends told me about buying a mate a rude Christmas present as a joke and it led to a huge argument as new guy felt that was not a suitable topic for me to be discussing with another man (it was literally that my friend wrapped up a box of condoms for a secret Santa for someone who found it funny, no further sexual detail. Yes, a bit immature but just a joke).

He also got upset when a male friend who lives some distance away skyped me to tell me about his new job offer. Apparently a man would not video call an unrelated woman unless they have been led on sexually.

Is it normal for a man to be this uncomfortable with a partner having male friends? Also do other women rule out sex as a conversation topic entirely out of 'respect' for their partner? I'm not talking about sexting or chatting in a titillating way which of course i would not do with friends. Hopefully I don't sound as though I never shut up about sex, just trying to think of some examples where it might come up in conversation.

He was also in a bad mood last night which I had to jolly him out of because I met a male friend for an hour for a coffee after work. New guy was annoyed that I didn't text him back during part of this hour (not deliberate, I just didn't hear my phone).

We are from different cultures so I'm not sure if that might explain part of the differing views. I suppose I'm wondering if it's me that's in the wrong here. I suppose I am quite liberal and not easily shocked but maybe that's a bit weird? I don't know.

OP posts:
Beaverhausen · 15/01/2019 17:46

Oooooh dear, are your trainers at the door?!

Omzlas · 15/01/2019 17:49

I think whilst you wanted to see past certain things and give it a chance, fundamental beliefs like this don't tend to change

As a PP said, your post keeps mentioning things about him - but how do you feel??

SouthernComforts · 15/01/2019 17:52

Nope. Get back on the dating sites OP this one's a knob.

abbsisspartacus · 15/01/2019 17:54

It's a no from me

BIWI · 15/01/2019 17:58

Goodness me - get some self esteem! You are worth so much more than this twat.

Don't use different cultures as an excuse. This is controlling and hideously sexist from him.

PaleRider1 · 15/01/2019 17:59

Run for the hills and don’t look back

loveyoutothemoon · 15/01/2019 17:59

Run fast!

abearcalledcustardette · 15/01/2019 18:01

He’s like this after three months? Yikes. Imagine what he’d be like if you were married or had children. Put him in the bin.

NameChangeNugget · 15/01/2019 18:08

What a bell end. Run!

I’d say exactly the same if it was reversed too

Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 18:08

Omzlas i feel overwhelmingly frustrated by him. He never has a rational reason for the behaviour/ fears mentioned just argues that because I see nothing wrong or taboo with sex as a normal part of life between adults which does have a funny side , therefore I must feel that all sex is good, I.e. have no boundaries whatsoever. Also almost that the sexes should fear each other.

He does have good points hence trying to make this work but I just don't feel excited about a future with him if I am brutally honest. I do challenge his points of view (whilst trying to respect his background) which means there's always an argument around the corner although he's said he appreciates this. It is quite tiring.

OP posts:
VixenSixen · 15/01/2019 18:10

I read something once about the things you are prepared to overlook at the start of a relationship will be the ones that cause you a problem later down the line. This man is controlling and jealous..... I would make an exit while you are still able to.

PaleRider1 · 15/01/2019 18:12

So what are you going to do? Stay or run?

No relationship should be this hard this early in and you already have your doubts and see nothing long term.

Surely better to quit now than drag it out further?

EhlanaOfElenia · 15/01/2019 18:12

When it comes to work colleagues, neighbours, etc you have an obligation to be fair, tolerant, yadda, yadda, yadda. When it comes to a romantic partner, you really, really don't have to give them the opportunity to show you that they're not the dicks that they first portray themselves to be. If they act like a dick, put yourself first. You owe them NOTHING.

YellowSkyBlue · 15/01/2019 18:13

Run now. Well done for noticing this strange behaviour early on. Count yourself lucky.

Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 18:14

I'm going to end things Pale, I don't think things should feel this hard. Vixen that's absolutely right. Then I'd have nobody to blame but myself in 10 years. I guess he made me doubt myself briefly just now.

OP posts:
Giraffetower · 15/01/2019 18:14

Get yourself out of there. Fast .

Cancel the cheque before you go Grin

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/01/2019 18:17

I've known a few men like this and they have all been very controlling and abusive. For me, it's one of the reddest of flags. As he gets more secure in the relationship expect to be dictated to as to who you can socialise with, what you can wear and even where you can wirk. Run like the fucking devil himself is chasing you.

Parthenope · 15/01/2019 18:19

Well, if you don’t want to ditch his medieval arse, tell him that, as a recent arrival in your life, he doesn’t get a say in your friends, or what you talk about with them, and go on your merry way as usual, telling him the door is that way if he doesn’t like the way you lead your life.

I’m more alarmed by how subservient you seem to him already. So what if he’s ‘from another culture’? People from some cultures think that taking nine year olds out of school or stoning adulterers to death is normal. That doesn’t make either view any more palatable to me.

MrsTommyBanks · 15/01/2019 18:26

He sounds like a classic abuser. In another three months you'll be trapped in the house with no friends whatsoever, waiting on his back and call

This Run away as fast as you can. Sorry it hasn't worked out.

Original poster
GreenyBlueEyes · 15/01/2019 18:31

Parthenope you're right. I have challenged him, pretty robustly loudly at times, but kind of found myself sucked into excusing things, partly through wanting things to work as I would like to have a family etc, it's hard to explain as I am usually quite a strong character. I suppose his views are as ingrained as my liberal ones and neither of us will change.

Hope it's not a drip feed but thinking more deeply about this, I was sexually assaulted in the past and in some ways the guilt he lays on about me interacting with men (even though its totally innocent) aligns with some ways I feel about myself that I have come a long way towards trying to work through. Damn, that doesnt sound good!

I'm not really looking forward to telling him i don't want to see him again- not because he is abusive or threatening, more that he has an answer to everything. Its also frustrating that he has a certain view of me taht is unfair. Wish I could get someone to go and dump him for me, like in the school playground!

OP posts:
BarryTheKestrel · 15/01/2019 18:33

Run now. There are other men out there for you. Do not stay with someone with so many red flags just because you're attracted to him.

0ccamsRazor · 15/01/2019 18:39

Be prepared to block his arse, men like him dont respond well to being ditched.

He is likely to increase his manipulative, abusive and controlling behaviour.

Be prepared to text him that if he keeps contacting you, you will see this as harrasment and that you will talk to the police.

I hope sincearly that he just rolls over and slinks off back to the murky pond that he came from without a single noise.

Be strong, be firm and do not say sorry,

Wine Gin Flowers and lots of delightful hunky loving sexy men to you Grin

jay55 · 15/01/2019 18:39

I can't believe a man wants to police your conversation with your friends and says it out loud, so early in your relationship in the current century.

Best of luck finding someone new.

SpinneyHill · 15/01/2019 18:40

Every 'answer' needs to be met with "That sounds like something you should bear in mind for your next relationship."

0ccamsRazor · 15/01/2019 18:42

Ps Op ditch by text, you own him nothing.

A simple..... this is not working for me, so i am terminating our relationship, do not contact me, best of luck for your future relationships.

Then block, block, block

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