I'm in the back of the car being punished

[BelleEnd1]

DH is going to watch some sport today with friends. I was encouraged to come along with the DC beforehand for lunch. I'm then meeting a friend later. We've got to drive a way to get there.
We had a small row before we left because we both got snappy that we were running late and annoyed at each other for not doing things to get the kids ready.
He then said in front of the DC that I was being a prick and he didn't want me to come and meet his friends because I'm an embarrassment. Kids were all ready to go so I said we'd drop him off and go off and do our own thing. He said thanks.
He's done the car seats so I'm sat in the back.
I'm fucking fuming.
I'm sure I'm partly to blame for this ludicrous argument but I'm so cross and wondering what on earth I'm gonna do with me and the kids and why I'm sat in the backseat like a naughty child.
I'm literally considering taking the kids to a hotel tonight but not sure if that's irrational anger.

He'll suggest whatever sounds good at the time. I know people will let you know you shouldn't go to counselling with an abuser, but I very much doubt he'd ever go through with it anyway.

Your relationship sounds toxic OP.

He's the master manipulator and you're so ground down from years of it that you don't see the woods for the trees.

If you can't make changes for yourself, at least try for your DC.

I acknowledged that it was wrong and said I didn't intend to do it again.
But you didn't do it, he did.

Counselling could be a good idea for him to do.

Got out the car at the pub and he says "Ok do you want to go in with the kids and I'll pay for parking" to which I quietly lost my shit about how I was now invited. He said fine, gave me the car key and told me to go. I said I just wanted him to apologise. He said he wouldn't as I was a prick.

He knew you heard that time though

he said he thought he had said I was a prick when he was outside therefore not in front of the kids and didn't think I had heard
Obviously he knew you, and the kids, had heard as he said it again when you all had arrived.

If he's always manipulating you and as you say, good in arguments and you're not (what does that even mean, who can be fantastic in arguments) then go to counselling by yourself, because he will manipulate the therapist and gain information he can use against you.

Can you give examples of how he's 'fantastic in arguments'? I'm guessing he's manipulative, passive aggressive and waits for you to start crying and calls you out for it?

Honestly, you need to work on you and your self esteem, the way he's treating you is not OK.

Counseling for whom? Him, hopefully, plus I'd be telling him that saying 'Mummy is a nightmare' to the kids is parental alienation which I think is againstt the law?

The more information you give him, the more he will use it against you. If he cannot acknowledge he is wrong and apologise without trying to obfuscate and put the blame on you, then you are not going into counselling on a level playing field. He is not acting in good faith. You need counselling for you.

I am pretty sure deny, avoid, reverse victim and offender is his strategy in arguments, that is what the ‘quiet chat’ seemed to have achieved for him.

I know exactly what you mean by him being good at arguments

ex, recently;
We are leaving, I am still indoors, "Which car are we taking?"
reply, " the citroen"
the other person goes inside for keys with filthy boots & gets shit all over my newly washed floor
"oh for fucks sake, you're walking shit all over the floor",
reply: You made me come back in
er ,No, I asked what car we were taking

its taken me years to see the gaslighting, like a quarter of a the century

it is as natural as breathing to him

He is fantastic in arguments and I am not, I get very emotional. Yes, I think he's very good at manipulating a conversation/situation/me

Try and detach yourself emotionally from the argument. Hold firm in exactly what your point is, and do not waver from that. The emotion comes from feeling wronged then backed into a corner. It works better if you just keep reminding yourself why you were upset and stick to your position. It’s hard but it’s possible.

Belle, your husband is a sadistic man who is abusing you and the children. When he demeans you in their presence, he is harming them by instilling confusion, guilt, turmoil and fear.

Your Children Winessed Him Shaming You By:
*Blowing up when you asked him to parent them
*Calling you a prick
*Calling you an embarrassment
*Deeming you unworthy to meet his friends
*Disinviting only you for lunch
*Refusing to sit by you in the car
*Shunning you in the car
*Calling you a prick (again) at the venue
*Refusing to apologize when YOU asked at the venue
*Apologizing only when YOUR CHILD asked him to at the venue
*Other times rolling his eyes and saying, “Mummy is a nightmare.”

Your Children Witnessed You Being Shamed By:
*Being yelled at for asking him to parent them
*Being called despicable names
*Being disinvited for lunch
*Being deemed unworthy to meet his friends
*Being deemed unworthy to sit by him
*Obeying him and sitting in the back
*Being shunned by him in the car
*Being refused an apology which YOU requested at the venue
*Being given an apology only at the request of YOUR CHILD at the venue
*At other times having to endure eye rolling and his saying, “Mummy is a nightmare.”

Belle, your family is in crisis. This is damaging your children, and is setting them up to have abusive, dysfunctional relationships. I would not stay with such a cruel brute. Trying to reason with him is fruitless because he deflects, minimizes, gaslights and stonewalls. Please seek individual counseling to safely express your feelings, to gain coping strategies, and to learn why you are allowing yourself to settle for this abuse.

I’d leave this arsehole

Witnessed

MsDoglady has done you a valuable list of an hour in your family's day out together.

He had suggested counselling which I dismissed but maybe it's a good idea.

I think this is a good idea too. As in individual counselling for you. To help you recognise how useless and abusive he is.

Short of that, leave. Or ask him to leave. Doesn't sound like he's any help with the kids. The eye-rolling and 'Mummy is a nightmare' is enough let alone calling you a prick in front of the kids.

Your poor children! If this is just in an hour of your family's life you have to do something to change this. As said above, the way he is treating you is not OK. But the only thing that will change is how you receive this treatment. Stop putting up with it and stop dragging your kids into your abusive relationship.