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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm in the back of the car being punished

168 replies

BelleEnd1 · 12/01/2019 11:28

DH is going to watch some sport today with friends. I was encouraged to come along with the DC beforehand for lunch. I'm then meeting a friend later. We've got to drive a way to get there.
We had a small row before we left because we both got snappy that we were running late and annoyed at each other for not doing things to get the kids ready.
He then said in front of the DC that I was being a prick and he didn't want me to come and meet his friends because I'm an embarrassment. Kids were all ready to go so I said we'd drop him off and go off and do our own thing. He said thanks.
He's done the car seats so I'm sat in the back.
I'm fucking fuming.
I'm sure I'm partly to blame for this ludicrous argument but I'm so cross and wondering what on earth I'm gonna do with me and the kids and why I'm sat in the backseat like a naughty child.
I'm literally considering taking the kids to a hotel tonight but not sure if that's irrational anger.

OP posts:
Musti · 12/01/2019 13:08

What a bastard. My ex used to have digs about my timekeeping because I had to get 4 kids and all their stuff ready whilst he sat in front of his laptop 'working'.

You should have refused to go. It's not good for the children to see you accepting being treated like this. From now on, do not consider him at all. Do what you know us right and fair and let him rant. And call his bluff and leave him with the children whilst you do your thing.

Heaviestdirtyestsoul · 12/01/2019 13:12

What disgusting behaviour from an adult. He is a nasty bully, and to do so involving the kids? If it was a one off Id think about taking him to one side, pointing out just how unacceptable and childish his behaviour was, and tell him to give his head a shake and sort his attitude out before he came home. If it's normal behaviour for him to belittle you and treat you like this then you really need to be thinking about wether you want your children growing up thinking that behaviour is ok towards you and if you can put up with being treated like that. Good luck and sorry you are having to deal with that Flowers

NewYoiker · 12/01/2019 13:20

Hope you're okay op it's not on to be treated like this

Dimsumlosesum · 12/01/2019 13:20

Can you imagine how much nicer and pleasant your life would be without this immature prick doing this to you all the time? My mum let my dad get away with treating her, and me, just the same - it utterly fucked me up as a child and my view of what was the right healthy way people should be treated in a relationship for a long, long time. Because ofthat, I allowed my partner to treat me just as my mum had allowed - please, please don't do this to your children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2019 13:23

My dh occasionally goes and sits in the car and waits. It doesn’t go down well. Normally I do need to tell / ask him what to do but he does it. Dd is older now so she’s getting herself sorted out more.

I’m sure you’re tempted to take the car and leave him there to figure out a way home. Punishment works both ways afteralll. 😟

Youbrokemytwatometer · 12/01/2019 13:25

Your kids sound young. Should they even be in the front?

FacingUp · 12/01/2019 13:31

Your partner in life should be your cheerleader not a weight wearing you down and by bullying, criticising and undermining you.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 12/01/2019 13:32

You missed a trick here. You actually held all the cards back when you came out to the car, to find the only space for you to sit was squished in the back. He needed you more than you needed him today, so you could have got away with saying "fuck that," and going back indoors. He couldn't have driven off without you because he needs you to take the kids off after the lunch which they're welcome at but you're not, whilst he swans off for his lovely sporting afternoon.

weemouse · 12/01/2019 13:39

I can't get past the fact he called you a prick and an embarrassment in front of your kids and you still got in the car.

You have bigger problems than being stuck on the back seat.

Yulebealrite · 12/01/2019 13:41

Forget all the shock, revenge tactices. Tell him you need a serious talk later about what has happened. Then find a suitable time when he is sober and the kids are not around and tell him he needs to help you parent and that he can't ever speak to you like that again. If he can't shape up then you will leave him. Make sure he knows you mean it.

And do mean it. It's not as if life will be harder for you as you do everything anyway. You'll actually get a break when they are with him. And your kids will see that you don't take crap from a partner.

weemouse · 12/01/2019 13:42

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess has it nailed with that post

Yulebealrite · 12/01/2019 13:42

I can't get past the fact he called you a prick and an embarrassment in front of your kids and you still got in the car.

He's done a right number on you hasn't he.

Topseyt · 12/01/2019 13:43

He is an arsewipe.

I wouldn't have put up with that behaviour.

Dump him at the sport venue or wherever he is meeting his mates, take the car and the kids and take them for lunch somewhere else without knobhead in tow. Tell him that you won't be back to pick him up (he will be worse after drinking, almost certainly), and to make his own way home. Or better still, to not bother coming back at all.

Then go and garner the support of your family and friends.

Redwinemaestro · 12/01/2019 13:43

And straight away you decide to post it in mumsnet. Talk to him and resolve issues. Communication!

Yabbers · 12/01/2019 13:46

This is ridiculous. Tell him you won’t be spoken to like that. Ever. Leave him with the kids and go and meet your friends.

You are both setting a really bad example to your children, either learn how to work as a team, or go your separate ways.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/01/2019 13:46

He says I "always do this". And he's right, I am always rushing and late and it makes me super stressed but I do find it hard with two small DC

Is there a reason other than stupidity or being a knob that he is incapable of parenting his own children and getting one of them ready? Why is it your job when he is there as well?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 12/01/2019 13:48

He says I "always do this". And he's right,

Well, you "always do this" because he's sitting on his arse doing fuck all. If he wants that changed, he knows what to do.

Ravenclawclassof84 · 12/01/2019 13:48

This is the sort of thing my darling H has done, more than once. It's really hard to think straight when you're being spoken to this way in front of the DC. You feel like you're going crazy trying to work out what you've done to cause this. The solution isn't as obvious as some seem to think when you're right in the middle of it. Mix56 is spot on. You don't have to put up with this and you're not an embarrassment, he is.

Topseyt · 12/01/2019 13:49

She is posting for support and advice. Why not post on MN.

I imagine OP has had many issues with this twat, many discussions that get nowhere and is becoming heartily sick of it all. She does clearly say that it is not their first such issue

Youbrokemytwatometer · 12/01/2019 13:52

@Redwinemaestro Rather a patronising post. She doesn't feel like talking just now, as she doesn't know how it will go and the kids are there, so she's venting here where it's safe and appropriate to do so.

LannieDuck · 12/01/2019 13:55

Discussion later with him on two points:

i) no name calling in front of the kids.

ii) you're always running late because you have to get 3 people ready while he gets 1 person ready. That stops today. From now on, he pulls his weight with the childcare. (If you wish, you could add the optional "OR no more comments about how long it takes me to get ready, ever", but personally I would stick with him needing to do half of it.)

BestestBrownies · 12/01/2019 14:07

I think he has intentionally orchestrated this whole scenario so he has an excuse to stay out all day and night doing what he likes (lunch, sport, then piss-up with mates).

OP, he treats you horribly and he is setting a disgusting example/ being an awful role model for your DCs.

You can do so much better for yourself and them just by cutting this arsewipe out of your life.

Sunkissedbeachdream · 12/01/2019 14:18

I think Bestest brownies is right, he's probably deliberately caused an argument so he can stay out on the piss, 'all because it's your fault'
My ex used to do this, every Saturday morning without fail, he'd nit pick at me, get me upset by being nasty, we'd argue and he'd piss off out to the pubs/nightclubs later that day, leaving me with two dc's to look after.
Thank God he's an ex!

bethy15 · 12/01/2019 14:21

He says I "always do this". And he's right, I am always rushing and late and it makes me super stressed but I do find it hard with two small DC

But you're getting two children and yourself ready and he's just looking out for himself, of course he can do it quickly.

My lord, this man is awful to treat you this way in front of your children and if they were gone, it's still awful.

Don't pick him up later, don't go to lunch, don't acknowledge this man at all until he can show you respect and actually help with is children!

Sexnotgender · 12/01/2019 14:27

So you're getting 2 small children ready and he's lounging about like lord of the fucking manor?

I'd be leaving him with the children after lunch and going home by myself.