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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm in the back of the car being punished

168 replies

BelleEnd1 · 12/01/2019 11:28

DH is going to watch some sport today with friends. I was encouraged to come along with the DC beforehand for lunch. I'm then meeting a friend later. We've got to drive a way to get there.
We had a small row before we left because we both got snappy that we were running late and annoyed at each other for not doing things to get the kids ready.
He then said in front of the DC that I was being a prick and he didn't want me to come and meet his friends because I'm an embarrassment. Kids were all ready to go so I said we'd drop him off and go off and do our own thing. He said thanks.
He's done the car seats so I'm sat in the back.
I'm fucking fuming.
I'm sure I'm partly to blame for this ludicrous argument but I'm so cross and wondering what on earth I'm gonna do with me and the kids and why I'm sat in the backseat like a naughty child.
I'm literally considering taking the kids to a hotel tonight but not sure if that's irrational anger.

OP posts:
RickOShay · 12/01/2019 11:58

Belle did he help you get the dc ready?

GhostSauce · 12/01/2019 12:00

Drive home with the kids and leave him there.

paintinmyhairAgain · 12/01/2019 12:01

shouldn't he be parenting his dc too and help get ready to go out rather than moaning at you and messing about with his phone ? from what you've said he sounds a bit of a knob tbh.

Veterinari · 12/01/2019 12:01

So when you get there leave him with the kids to go to lunch.

It’s what he said he would do - let him follow through. Not your problem

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 12/01/2019 12:02

rick no, that's when the bickering started as he asked me to get the youngest dressed and I asked if he could not do it as I was packing the kids' bag and taking the bin out and needed to put coats in the car etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 12/01/2019 12:03

He is a knob... just trying to decide how much of a knob and if it's liveable (this is obviously not our first issue)

OP posts:
paintinmyhairAgain · 12/01/2019 12:03

so why couldn't he help dress his own dc ? or is looking at shite on the phone more important ?

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 12/01/2019 12:05

I'd wait till we got there then tell him in front of his friends that you and the kids are tired of being spoken to like shit, so he can find somewhere else to stay tonight.

Then I'd go home, lock all the doors and only allow him in if he explained to my satisfaction why I was an embarrassment when he can't get his arse out of bed and his own kids ready. Not even when you are going to look after them so this waste of space can get shitfaced.

Mix56 · 12/01/2019 12:05

he is punishing you in front of the DC
There's no going back really.

frazzledasarock · 12/01/2019 12:06

When he invited the kids to go with him and you remain behind why didn’t you say ok and walk off.

They’re his kids too and apparently he wanted to take the kids out on his own.

He’d have not been able to drink and have had to step up and take care of his own children (which by sounds of things he doesn’t appear to do).

You could have won that argument very fast and be enjoying your time to do what you wanted right now instead of fuming.

RLOU30 · 12/01/2019 12:06

God this is an example of the depressing ongoing thread about how shit men can be. I’m telling you they are all the fucking same. Go and enjoy your day without him OP.

RollerJed · 12/01/2019 12:07

I actually don't understand this at all. If my dh did this massive fucking arsehole act I'd lose my shit with him. In front of dc or not. I have 2 dd and no way do I want them to think it's ever ok to be treated so disrespectfully.

But I believe it's actually good for dc to see that people can argue and still get on/love each other. I had a bf whose parents would argue and not speak to each for 6 months. He didn't understand healthy conflict and was pretty fucked up by it.

I'm seething on your behalf but appalled also you didn't stand up for yourself 'for the sake of an excited dc'

notapizzaeater · 12/01/2019 12:07

Wow, he's a right dick - diets he think you're fetching him later ?

RickOShay · 12/01/2019 12:08

This is really not ok Belle.
Have you got a supportive family/pals?

bastardkitty · 12/01/2019 12:08

He sounds like a selfish prick.who doesn't like you very much and is underinvolved with the DC. Would you think about individual counselling for yourself to think about how this is impacting on you and how much more of this you are willing to put up with? It sounds really miserable for you. I would ensure he gets a loud and clear message today about how unacceptable his behaviour is.

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 12/01/2019 12:11

roller I do understand your point. I did snap at him to never call me a prick in front of the children ever again.

Yes I've got lots of lovely friends and family.

We're less than 10 mins away now. He's made not attempt to talk to me this jour journey. I feel really nervous about what's about to happen which is fucking ridiculous. I've clearly lost my big girl pants

OP posts:
Veterinari · 12/01/2019 12:15

Be firm and follow through OP!
You need to model acceptable limits of behaviour to your kids

TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 12/01/2019 12:15

The 'punishment' was for you asking him to help get his kids ready to leave? Sounds to me like he's trying to train you not to expect him to do any parenting.

RickOShay · 12/01/2019 12:15

Fair enough that you feel awful, I would too. But this is no way to live, could you talk things through with someone you trust after you drop him off?
You are worthy of love and respect, hold onto that Flowers

Mix56 · 12/01/2019 12:18

Get out, take him to one side as you get the keys, & say, with venom,
"you will not ever call me a prick infront of our children again, & as for punishing me by putting me in the back, & judgemental remarks when you are incapable & unwilling to father your own children. well, really you are pathetic. Don't call"

SimplyStruggling · 12/01/2019 12:18

I agree. your children need to see you stand up for yourself.

Notmorewashing · 12/01/2019 12:19

Was the original plan for you to go back to pick him up?

I would be leaving after lunch with the kids and not sleeping at home tonight ! I don’t see what the issue is with what you have done ??

RickOShay · 12/01/2019 12:20

Well said Mix

Drum2018 · 12/01/2019 12:20

Telling him not to come home would probably suit him - he'd have a great night out with friends and crash on one of their couches. I'd be inclined to go with the taxi idea and leave the car and the kids with him for the afternoon. I gather he's only watching sport and not playing so they can sit and watch with him.

AJPTaylor · 12/01/2019 12:21

You need to appreciate just how miserable and anxious this makes children. My parents behaved like you and your husband. No fun. The only positive was that I knew the type of marriage I didn't want!