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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm in the back of the car being punished

168 replies

BelleEnd1 · 12/01/2019 11:28

DH is going to watch some sport today with friends. I was encouraged to come along with the DC beforehand for lunch. I'm then meeting a friend later. We've got to drive a way to get there.
We had a small row before we left because we both got snappy that we were running late and annoyed at each other for not doing things to get the kids ready.
He then said in front of the DC that I was being a prick and he didn't want me to come and meet his friends because I'm an embarrassment. Kids were all ready to go so I said we'd drop him off and go off and do our own thing. He said thanks.
He's done the car seats so I'm sat in the back.
I'm fucking fuming.
I'm sure I'm partly to blame for this ludicrous argument but I'm so cross and wondering what on earth I'm gonna do with me and the kids and why I'm sat in the backseat like a naughty child.
I'm literally considering taking the kids to a hotel tonight but not sure if that's irrational anger.

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 12/01/2019 12:23

What Mix said.

bastardkitty · 12/01/2019 12:24

Leave him. Phone off. Go do your thing.

incywincybitofa · 12/01/2019 12:25

Mix is right, but for now you need to go to that lunch. He cannot tell you what you are and are not allowed to do.
You are not an embarrassment and you know that. Get out the car go to lunch with him. Make sure he sorts his shit out.
Then you need to come home and sort out what happens next because as Mix says there is no going back.

TulipsInbloom1 · 12/01/2019 12:26

Just before you drive off tell him to find somewhere else to sleep tonight. Then get in the car, take your dcs out for lunch or something nice. Come home and pack his fucking bags.

Pissedoffdotcom · 12/01/2019 12:26

I'd be leaving the kids with him & doing my own thing too. He needs to realise that you can stand up for yourself. He's promised the kids lunch, he can deal with that

Schmoobarb · 12/01/2019 12:26

What a total cunt.

Why are you even going? I’d have told him to fuck himself and stayed at home.

OliviaBenson · 12/01/2019 12:27

Take him up on his offer of leaving the kids with him for lunch and go and down your own thing. Fuck up his plans.

He's horrible op.

Singlenotsingle · 12/01/2019 12:27

Let them go to lunch with him, seeing as apparently you're not invited. Then what he does afterwards is up to him. You won't be there, will you?
You'll be lunching with your friend, and then booking into a hotel for you and the kids. What a prick.

Believeitornot · 12/01/2019 12:27

It’s appalling behaviour on his part.

He should have been helping get the dcs ready not swanning about only worrying about himself then making comments about you being late.

My dh used to do stuff like that so I set out for him exactly how unfair it was that I had to get myself and two dcs ready and he did nothing but himself. After a few false starts he finally gets it and we get ready together.

I would have a serious discussion with him this evening about how he speaks to you.

Kittykat93 · 12/01/2019 12:31

Take the advice of @Mix56

ChariotsofFish · 12/01/2019 12:31

He put you in the back seat to punish you, like you’re a dog or something. I feel so cross for you! Do take the kids to a hotel for the night, I think that’s a good idea.

madcatladyforever · 12/01/2019 12:31

he has been a right dick but it's not fair to take the kids to a hotel, it will only disturb them.

iamthere123 · 12/01/2019 12:34

What a dreadful person. If he doesn't want to be a parent then make him bloody parent! Leave the kids (if you think he's actually responsible enough to leave them with). He sounds awful and this is not a good a role model of a relationship for your children. I have never seen either of my parents infantilise the other or 'punish' them like this. My brother and I would be punished with not being allowed to sit in the front when we were teenagers - I can't imagine a peer doing this!

bastardkitty · 12/01/2019 12:35

Do you know the OP's children madcatlady ?

AWishForWingsThatWork · 12/01/2019 12:35

I would have agreed that the children should have lunch with daddy and his friends ... and then left them there for him and his friends to look after for the afternoon.

Go have a nice childfree afternoon ...

BifsWif · 12/01/2019 12:36

Does he often do this? Bully you and belittle you infront of your children?

Is this the example you want to set for their future relationships?

And no they’re not all the same, ignore that ridiculous comment from a previous poster. Don’t stay with this prick because you don’t think you’ll find anyone better.

Lovemusic33 · 12/01/2019 12:44

I would have kept the kids we me, drop him off and then take the kids and car, switch your phone off and don’t pick him back up.

CatnissEverdene · 12/01/2019 12:48

People treat you in the way that you let them.

Time to take a stand here.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 12/01/2019 12:52

OP are you ok? I am so angry for you! Especially sitting in the back of the car like that......

Please find your voice and use it today. This is not ok.

Coolaschmoola · 12/01/2019 12:55

"...it's not fair to take the kids to a hotel, it will only disturb them."

That's a massive assumption about children you don't know madcatlady. My DD loves staying in hotels and would find a surprise impromptu stay tremendously exciting. She gets excited about Premier Inns!

ALittleBitConfused1 · 12/01/2019 12:56

How long has he been treating you like this, does he always verbally abuse you in front of your children?
The making you sit in the back and the comments about the kids being welcome is him showing you your place and using your children as weapons to drive the point home. One day they will be old enough to understand this type of manipulation.
I've been in a relationship like this. It didn't end well.
I hope for your children's sake you don't have daughters, because if this is the kind of behaviours their father exposes them to the chances are they'll end up with a man as delightful as their darling daddy.
If you have sons they will grow up learning to treat women with the same level of contempt and disrespect they witnessed their Dad showing their Mum, but better to be the abusers rather than the abused suppose.
I wish you luck, I think we both know you will need it.

Quartz2208 · 12/01/2019 12:57

I hope you found your voice and sorted it

theredjellybean · 12/01/2019 12:58

i am a bit confused...why on earth did you not take him up on his offer of taking the kids to lunch without you ?

I'd have thought that would have been the best way of effectively making your point....that 2 small dc are hard work to organise

Seaweed42 · 12/01/2019 12:59

Taking the kids to a hotel for the night is not the solution. It'd be a dramatic stunt to try to communicate your anger because you are not able to communicate your anger or express yourself to your DH.
These episodes will keep happening unless you clearly express yourself to your DH.
If he insults you either alone or in front of someone, you need to say 'what you just said is not a respectful way of speaking to someone, either me or anyone else. I don't deserve to be spoken to like that'.
The frame of reference is that you deserve respectful treatment like anyone else would.
The next time it happens, think of someone you know who supports you and doesn't judge you. Pretend that someone is in the room and can see what's happening. What would they say if they were going to stand up for you? Then say that about yourself.

JohnnyKarate · 12/01/2019 13:01

I hope you’re okay OP. My dad use to treat my mum like this and punish her by sitting her in the back and various other things. Be brave I think you know what you need to do deep down.

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