I'm in the back of the car being punished

[BelleEnd1]

DH is going to watch some sport today with friends. I was encouraged to come along with the DC beforehand for lunch. I'm then meeting a friend later. We've got to drive a way to get there.
We had a small row before we left because we both got snappy that we were running late and annoyed at each other for not doing things to get the kids ready.
He then said in front of the DC that I was being a prick and he didn't want me to come and meet his friends because I'm an embarrassment. Kids were all ready to go so I said we'd drop him off and go off and do our own thing. He said thanks.
He's done the car seats so I'm sat in the back.
I'm fucking fuming.
I'm sure I'm partly to blame for this ludicrous argument but I'm so cross and wondering what on earth I'm gonna do with me and the kids and why I'm sat in the backseat like a naughty child.
I'm literally considering taking the kids to a hotel tonight but not sure if that's irrational anger.

It worries me that you are nervous, I hope you are ok

I would be reluctant to leave the children with a man who may well be intent on getting hammered with his mates. I'd be worried that he might do that even with them in tow, as he seems less than enthusiastic about taking responsibility for his children anyway.

So, I would take the children with me.

I think he has intentionally orchestrated this whole scenario so he has an excuse to stay out all day and night doing what he likes (lunch, sport, then piss-up with mates).

I agree with this. I would also wonder if he's been slating you to his mates then got this arse because you would meet with them and probably be nice. (My ex used to do this - slag me off to people then try to generate a situation where he was 'proven right' - very manipulative). He also did the 'causing an argument so he had an excuse to go off drinking' strategy! He was nasty. Yours sounds similar TBH.

I would drop him off and then text him something along the lines of "You will need to make your own way home after the match. I'm afraid that I will not be used as a taxi service by someone who treats me with such contempt".

Have a nice afternoon, get a takeaway for tea and then you need to start drawing some lines in the sand about his behaviour if you want things to change. I could not be married to someone who could watch me rushing around doing everything and then criticising me for it. Behaviour like this is always the responsibility of the person acting in this way, but I find it difficult to understand why so many women seem happy to accept it.

I think you are all kissing a trick here.

I would wait until you arrive, wave h8m for and leave here I’m with both the kids and the car. Then not only does he have to parent his kids, but he can’t drink with his friends either.

I would happily catch trains/buses/walk to get that satisfaction, AND you can claim you were being kind. He wanted the kids to join him for lunch, and it makes the journey home easier for him

MIssing a trick

I wouldn't even tell him that I wasn't getting him, just let him think you'll play the dutiful taxi/wife and collect him, then don't.
See how he likes being promised something and then having it taken away.

I’m so depressed about the seemingly never ending number of shit men there are out there. :(

Yep
Another thread at moment with a poster who has a 5 month old baby with a habitual coke user...

He sounds like a shit, OP. What did you decide to do?

I really hope you are ok Belle.
Talk to somebody who cares about you.

Thank you for the support and advice today.

Situation played out as such:

Got out the car at the pub and he says "Ok do you want to go in with the kids and I'll pay for parking" to which I quietly lost my shit about how I was now invited. He said fine, gave me the car key and told me to go. I said I just wanted him to apologise. He said he wouldn't as I was a prick.
I said fine I'm going then. And he said- and you'll pick the kids up at 2? I said no I didn't think I would to which he replied that I was a terrible mum.
Then (not proud of this bit) eldest DC got upset that we were arguing and I said to him that daddy had been rude to me and was refusing to apologise which is why I wasn't coming to the pub.
DC made DH apologise which is ridiculous but he did. Then I came along to the pub mostly because DC was upset. Inside, DH kind of made light of the situation to which I replied "no, I was thinking about leaving you" - he seemed shocked.

We then went off to see my friend and he went to watch sport.
I had a nice big rant and she revealed that her DH is a prize nobber too (possibly worse). I dropped her home after out trip out and it coincided with him getting back. He hasn't been drinking and is now driving back.
I'm still cross and just a bit sad about the whole thing. Will attempt a calm chat when DCs are in bed later.

Poor children

Don’t involve your children in your arguments.

how is that helpful little? 🙄
op had already acknowledged it wasn't ideal but she's human and sometimes you just lose your temper when pushed to the limit.

Thanks queen
I'm already beating myself up over that so no need for anyone else to join in, thanks

Let him stew in it now, you don’t need to instigate the chat, now he knows you’re thinking of leaving he needs to decide what he’s going to do.
Not apologising because you ‘are a prick’?! Fuck that, I’d be off.

He’s a bully towards you and the kids. Emotionally abusing and manipulating kids (that’s what he did) is unacceptable. Think very very hard about whether you want your kids witnessing his bullying and manipulative behaviour again. They need to know that this is not acceptable.

And he wasn’t really sorry - as I’m sure you know. So he does actually think you are a prick and that you deserve to be called that in front of the kids.

Unless the row was one of many you have had in front of the kids then forget about that aspect of it. Your child will be ok and probably glad he sorted ye out. However if it's a regular thing your child is probably fed up and scared. Aside from that don't let your Dh think the day and all that was said has all blown over. Make sure he realises how horrible he was and that you are not willing to accept name calling again - anytime, anywhere, not just in front of the kids.

No, thankfully we very rarely have a cross word in front of the kids though.
There is a lot of eye rolling and "mummy is a nightmare" though which I hate

Belle, my dad used to make those frequent put downs and criticisms about my mum. It made me feel anxious and insecure throughout the whole of my childhood. It’s not just full on rows that affect kids.

So he's called you a prick and a terrible mum and declared that he is not sorry and he means it. He insults you in front of the children. He's undermining their self esteem as well as yours and they will be permanently affected there is no doubt.

You need to get absolutely serious with him - he changes or you leave.

Do you know, it was one morning I had run around getting DC ready whilst ex had behaved like lord of the manor, and then basically said it was my fault we would be late and walked out the door with DC without me.

When he came back, having dropped off DC, I told him to leave. He has never since then been back over my threshold.

It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. There had been a reason I wanted to take DC that morning and had been looking forward to it.

The whole relationship was characterised by him being controlling and emotionally abusive but I did not really see it at that point. I just knew my anxiety could not take it any more and he needed to go. He left me at home like I did not matter, and there was no reason to do that.

Funnily enough, I don’t suffer from anxiety any more.

Please do not beat yourself up about what happened today. You did not cause the situation. You responded to someone treating you quite nastily (very nastily). I do think he crossed a line by treating you as a child and saying what he did about you. The thinking about leaving him comment is spot on, although he should be the one to leave not you.

You shouldn't have gone to the pub with him, not sure how you could stand to be in his company after now he's spoken to you. And involving the children is just low.

Why the fuck are you with this twat??? I thank my lucky stars I kicked out my ex, no-one needs to live with fucktards like this. Your poor kids