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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm in the back of the car being punished

168 replies

BelleEnd1 · 12/01/2019 11:28

DH is going to watch some sport today with friends. I was encouraged to come along with the DC beforehand for lunch. I'm then meeting a friend later. We've got to drive a way to get there.
We had a small row before we left because we both got snappy that we were running late and annoyed at each other for not doing things to get the kids ready.
He then said in front of the DC that I was being a prick and he didn't want me to come and meet his friends because I'm an embarrassment. Kids were all ready to go so I said we'd drop him off and go off and do our own thing. He said thanks.
He's done the car seats so I'm sat in the back.
I'm fucking fuming.
I'm sure I'm partly to blame for this ludicrous argument but I'm so cross and wondering what on earth I'm gonna do with me and the kids and why I'm sat in the backseat like a naughty child.
I'm literally considering taking the kids to a hotel tonight but not sure if that's irrational anger.

OP posts:
RickOShay · 12/01/2019 19:34

I think you did well, good for you.
Hope the chat is positive, remember that you are the reasonable one here, stand your ground. Flowers

EKGEMS · 12/01/2019 19:45

You're going to have a "quiet chat with him!?!" Christ on a crutch the only words you should have with him are "I want a divorce due to your emotional and verbal abuse. You have 24 hours to get the fuck out"

incywincybitofa · 12/01/2019 20:07

KtaraJean I am glad it has worked out for you

Bellend1 I am glad things calmed down, he seems to have had a wake up call and I hope going forwards you make the choices you want. Whilst it is important for people to give another perspective when you can't see the wood for the trees, that also means it is easy for armchair observers to tell you off for not doing what they would. Listen to the words of wisdom and start making your choices.

RickOShay · 13/01/2019 12:48

Hope it went well Flowers
You are worth more.

justilou1 · 13/01/2019 12:59

Tell me the “Mummy is a nightmare” is not in front of the kids..... He’d be shown the door. (What is the point of not rowing in front of the kids if he’s making comments like that? Surely it’s healthier to lose your shit than to let them see you tolerating that kind of treatment?)

timeisnotaline · 13/01/2019 13:34

I think you did fairly well but not sure there is anything to recover. He doesn’t parent, criticises your parenting in front of the kids and swears at you and insults you in front of the kids.
For what it’s worht I find leaving the house a hassle but I definitely share it with my dh. Very early on with ds1 I joined him at the door to go out and asked do we have the nappy bag? He went and grabbed it, I asked are there nappies and wipes in it? He blinked and checked. Is there a change of clothes? He blinked and checked. Is there a muslin? Oh no, ok you get one of those and the pram and I’ll get my handbag. But it sounds far too late for your dh.

Mix56 · 13/01/2019 13:49

This made me think of your incident yesterday

I'm in the back of the car being punished
Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 13/01/2019 14:29

Ha, mix I've seen that before.

We had a long chat last night. He tried to derail a bit with how upset he was that I had engaged DC in our argument. I agreed it was really bad and said I had no intention of doing it again but then brought the conversation back round to him being a shit. He apologised and seemed to understand my perspective (e.g. he said he thought he had said I was a prick when he was outside therefore not in front of the kids and didn't think I had heard)

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 13/01/2019 14:34

What what what? You mean if you hadn't heard it would be ok?
You buying that Belle?

LannieDuck · 13/01/2019 14:37

Does he acknowledge he needs to join in with getting the kids ready when you're all going out?

RickOShay · 13/01/2019 14:49

Did you manage to get him to understand that he needs to pull his weight with the dc?
Do you feel that he really is sorry?

bethy15 · 13/01/2019 14:50

he said he thought he had said I was a prick when he was outside therefore not in front of the kids and didn't think I had heard

Oh well, it's all OK then!

And what were his reasons for calling you a prick? The fact you were getting yourself and your two children all ready all by yourself while he did nothing and laid around.

The fact he even called you that, and thinks it's OK and that you are one for doing all those jobs. I have no words.

Mousetolioness · 13/01/2019 14:54

That picture is, or would be, hilarious in the normal way of things but sadly appropriate in this instance.

In arranging the seating so you had to sit in the back he simultaneously managed to put you on the back foot, put you in your place and show massive disrespect. 'Mummy's in the back where she belongs...'

And before you'd even got out of the front door he'd done exactly the same by leaving you to sort everything and then finding fault with you. Calling you a 'prick'... that's the cherry on top.

A 'quiet chat' may not be enough, unless that is code for 'a forthright sounding off' on your part. Anything less than a truly heartfelt apology and a 180° lasting turnaround in his behaviour will likely just result in more of the same old same old.

bastardkitty · 13/01/2019 16:10

I think you know deep down where this is heading OP. So he tried to derail and then made excuses. Of course you will give it time to improve, but please also start getting your ducks in a row. He's a horrible man.

peekyboo · 13/01/2019 17:21

Your standards are so far below normal, all he has to do is explain he was calling you names out of earshot for it to be ok. As if that's a reasonable explanation!

But still, he got you focusing on the one detail he could explain and off the truth that everything else is wrong.

He's well used to this.

Mythologies · 13/01/2019 17:35

You have been gaslighted.
Not only that but he has deflected the whole ‘conversation’
Nothing is his fault, and, indeed, you have now apologised.
How very very sad Sad

RussellSprout · 13/01/2019 17:38

We teach people how to treat us, OP.

Time to stand up to this wanker.

peekyboo · 13/01/2019 17:39

You might not logically know what he's doing wrong, due to being in the middle of the horrible relationship, but you know how he makes you feel. The feelings are real, despite what he says. Or does.

Topseyt · 13/01/2019 18:26

That really doesn't sound like a very useful chat, as he is still justifying his shitty behaviour, which he fully intends to continue.

Why on earth did you apologise? He deserved everything he got. The children saw him getting it? So what if they did!! They need to learn that there are consequences if you try to treat people so contemptuously, so no harm there.

KataraJean · 13/01/2019 18:26

So he called you a prick in front of DC and arranged the car seats so you were sitting in the back, and you apologised for involving DC in the argument??

I know that coercive control and emotional abuse makes spaghetti of your thought processes and turns things upside down, but detach for a minute, surely you can see this is back to front.

Find a quiet space and start to keep a journal. Gaslighting works because you start to doubt your own reality. If you write things down, it is easier to hold on to your truth and see the patterns. You suggest this was not the first instance of problems of this nature, it will not be the last and you need to start recognising the pattern and that it is not you.

You have done well in making your views known. I am not sure he has done you the courtesy of taking these on board. I am not sure where you want to go from here.

KataraJean · 13/01/2019 18:29

And I agree with topsey - your children learn their behaviours from what they see at home. Their father should not treat their mother so contemptuously. Ask yourself whether your marriage is one you would want them to end up in, either as perpetrator or victim.

TerriTummyTowels · 13/01/2019 18:33

All the hallmarks of a total controlling abuser and gaslighter. Question is, will his manipulations work again?

peekyboo · 13/01/2019 18:50

Unless something changes, OP will be in the same position years from now.

Original poster
BelleEnd1 · 13/01/2019 18:51

I didn't exactly apologise, more I acknowledged that it was wrong and said I didn't intend to do it again.

He is fantastic in arguments and I am not, I get very emotional. Yes, I think he's very good at manipulating a conversation/situation/me.

We have recently discussed his views on women in general and how I don't want our DC growing up with the same view. He had suggested counselling which I dismissed but maybe it's a good idea.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 13/01/2019 18:53

Seek counselling for yourself, not with him. It won't end well. He's a serious manipulator.