Dating thread 145: new year new adventures

[Notcoolmum]

apparentlyacatch I’m sorry to be such a mum but please don’t invite men round to your house in the first date. You are putting yourself in a v vulnerable position. These men are strangers and you know nothing more about them than what they have chosen to tell you.

He now knows where you live, what possessions you have, seen pictures of your kids, your car, where you put your keys etc.

So 3rd date tonight with Mr S and we are totally DTD! Excited and nervous!!

Lovely post Crustaceans
I am a catch in some ways I suppose, but quite tricky too

What I am happy with though, is how easy I'm finding it to be assertive in knowing what I do and don't want, will and won't tolerate. Being less fussy about the preference bits eg height, location, but more firm on the essentials like being respectful etc.

I'm not an easy partner but I do enjoy doing nice things for people when it's appreciated. And my current iron has been lovely when I've made an effort for him, after being taken for granted by ExH for so long I'm really liking that.

We are all ‘quite tricky’ in various ways though, @WarIsPeace. You have absolutely loads of great qualities. I don’t even know you but I can totally be sure of that.

Thanks @shitwithsugaron. You totally are too. 😃

Also to the men on the thread: You are are great catches too. I only noted that I realised that lots of the men I saw on OLD weren’t as good a catch as me. But I was only looking for men, so I’m pretty sure the same thing will be true for women.

I find it quite weird and difficult to admit it, but most of the men I interacted with on OLD would definitely have been getting the better deal. After meeting me, one of my BF’s very long-standing friends told him that he totally was the lucky one in our relationship 😆.

Realising that there’s lots about us that makes us a desirable partner is really useful. And feeling positive about yourself is attractive (so long as you’re not an arrogant wanker about it). As is being able to be assertive about our expectations for how we’re treated, which @WarIsPeace seems to be really good at.

Great couple of posts Crustaceans.

When I started OLD I had no clue what I was doing or what I wanted. It's been a difficult process, with some fun along the way. But it's taught me not to sell myself short and not to do something because I think it will make them like me more.

It's also knocked my self esteem a lot. But I still keep having another try - just in case

I'm so glad I found this thread. So much wisdom and some hope too. Thank you @WarIsPeace for the earlier message!

I don't feel I'm much of a catch so would be nice to get to the point where I did as that seems quite a wonderful mindset to be in! I have been chatting with someone tonight on OKC who I feel relaxed and easy with so you never know!

Before I started OLD I honestly thought no man would want me: old, fat, discarded, weighed down by responsibility. I realise now this is incredibly far from the truth. Whether that is because I am awesome I can’t say. I know that I am warm, kind and up for just about anything, and I have found some kindred spirits so I’ve been very lucky. I’ve never thought I am better than anyone else, I’m just me

After a week of endless swiping and no matches I deleted Tinder.

I've also deleted pof after 2 weeks - it was still full of people who didn't reply the last time I was on there. My profile had a whole 2 views in those 2 weeks.

I've updated my bumble profile pic to the last remaining decent one I've got, although it's still been several weeks since I've had any matches on there as well. It probably won't be long til I have to admit defeat on that as well.

I honestly don't know what to do any more.

I think I've had he exact opposite experience to dogsdaymorning. I wasn't expecting to be god's gift to women, but I was at least hoping for a semi-steady stream of matches.

Instead, tumbleweed

Oh Dan do pm me your profile, I'm really curious now. I'm ooop North so not going to come across it otherwise. I'm sure we could help you out a bit with it?

I’ve never thought I am better than anyone else, I’m just me

Oops. I didn’t mean that I’m better than other people. Sorry.

It’s more that you start to realise that you are more of a ‘catch’ than you realise because actually (despite it all) you appear to have less baggage/complications than loads of other people (or at least not more than is usual for someone your age) and you don’t have a massive chip on your shoulder (commonly seen in profiles). Not having that is a significant advantage I think.

I think it’s important to hold on to that if you can find that feeling. Because there are lots of things about OLD that can totally erode your self-esteem. So you need to be able to recognise that it isn’t you; it’s the whole weird process.

I didn’t get that many matches @Dan89. At best a trickle rather than a stream. I might have managed to decide that actually I’m alright and people wouldn’t be doing too badly to get me, but that doesn’t mean the men of OLD necessarily agreed with me. 😆

dan89 another happy to review your profile if you want another opinion
accessorize 🤞 with OKcrustaceans you speak much sense

Dan89 I'm happy to look at your profile for you.
I'm not in your age range but I had a long and interesting chat with someone in their early 30s the other day. She gave me loads of advice on how to write a good profile and what she looks for

@DogDayMorning I'm so glad you feel better about yourself now - feeling like that is such a weight.

@Dan89 I lasted 24 hours on Tinder. It's horrific. POF is not much better and Bumble just doesn't provide enough info for a woman to feel comfortable messaging first IMO. I'm on Ok Cupid now and I like that I can discover quite a lot about someone. I think it shows the whole person. FWIW.

I do really hate the women messaging first on bumble.
I'm a bit old-fashioned I think, I want the man to do the chasing

Will have to see how it goes with the iron, I'm invisible on both tinder and bumble at present and have been for a while (brief visits for a nosey excepted )

dan89 I honestly don’t understand why you are having tumbleweed, having seen your profile. You have so much to offer, and in a big city you would fare much better. How wide have you set your distance tolerance thing? All that sea next to your location probably doesn’t help.

crustacean I wasn’t having a dig, I agree with everything you said. I think my point was that my sense of self-worth is now - because I’m so old and I take shit from no-one - completely detached from what others think of me or how they interact with me, so OLD has had no real effect on my own self-esteem. My XH hated the fact I had ‘too big an ego’, which to this day I find completely hysterical - but I see it may be offputting to other people. OLD taught me that not everyone will be put off, and if they are it doesn’t matter, so I can just carry on being me.

@shitwithsugaron be careful with OKC when answering their profile questions.

There's a section covering sexual preferences etc which I didn't realise would be visible to anyone viewing my profile!

It made the messages I received interesting lewd and off putting

Possibly a weird suggestion Dan (and I haven't seen your profile so it's just a guess) but based on the comments above about you being a catch, is it possible that women are thinking you look "too good" and assuming you are out of their league? Could you try putting a less attractive picture of you - one you are less happy with - as your main one and see if that makes a difference?

Yy I have a very 'groomed' picture and an informal happy but fluffy hair/end of the day hardly any makeup picture too, so no one gets a terrible shock if we meet. Apparently I looked much prettier in RL so I'm not sure if that's good or bad I wouldn't describe myself as especially pretty but I look normal and healthyish but not particularly slim. Mum bod I suppose!

@Dan8 may I see it please? I’m a marketer by trade I can review it from that perspective. Plus I rarely swipe right, very picky and I’m also very nosy

BeyondShattered that's a good point.
I've got some lovely photos taken by a photographer friend. But I can't use them because they look too polished. They're not edited but he got the lighting etc just right.

Dan lots of different offers to look at your profile. Take advantage of all of them! Its worth getting a range of opinions from all ages.
It seems odd that you're getting so little interest. On Tinder and bumble it's the first photo that counts. That one has to stand out from all the other men in your age range.

I'm happy to send mine in exchange if it makes you feel better, if you can tell me why I kept getting bloody would-be doms

Oh Warls me too!!!

I can’t work out if it’s the way I look, or if men in general have watched so much BDSM porn that they all think they are some domination king.

To the extent I went on a date with one, and it will hopefully end with him spending time at her majesty’s pleasure

leather oh no,what happened with that one?!
I didn’t attract any doms in the past but did have one who was quite open about wanting to be a sub.never ceases to amaze me how quickly some jump in to sharing this info!