Dating thread 145: new year new adventures

[Notcoolmum]

apparentlyacatch I’m sorry to be such a mum but please don’t invite men round to your house in the first date. You are putting yourself in a v vulnerable position. These men are strangers and you know nothing more about them than what they have chosen to tell you.

He now knows where you live, what possessions you have, seen pictures of your kids, your car, where you put your keys etc.

So 3rd date tonight with Mr S and we are totally DTD! Excited and nervous!!

rich I think you get more traffic on sites like bumble, tinder

I'm not sure why you think the women are emotionally unavailable on there? I certainly was completely emotionally available and aside from a few, only met men who were too (we just didn't hit it off).

@Daffo and @Duster I'm on Bumble, Tinder and Hinge.

Get no issues getting dates from them and sometimes the traffic is too much to keep up but posted a couple of pages back about the emotional unavailability thing - I seem to find most women on the apps are emotional unavailable (although might not necessarily know they are themselves until a few dates in) which is where I might be falling down with dating through the apps.

The free-app struggle is real as a guy. I was wondering if there are any decent 'niche' apps out there that I might have better luck on.

I've decided I must fall somewhere between the conventionally appealing guys who more than likely get most of the swipes (like rich), and the jokers who make no effort. As there must be enough conventionally appealing guys on there, or the promise of one on the next swipe, I get the left-swipe as a matter of course

@Rich - tbh I’ve found mainly emotionally unavailable MEN on all dating sites. What about Guardian soulmates? I’m just a tight arse & refuse to pay. Lol.

I'm not sure it's not emotionally unavailable? More that when the right one comes along it will all slot into place and hopefully a relationship will start.

I think that is more it @user1466783975.

It’s easy to try to find ‘fault’ in someone when they’ve ended something, and I think categorising them as ‘emotionally unavailable’ is doing just that. What’s more likely is that they just weren’t feeling like you were the right one, which is no one’s fault. Do you think of yourself as ‘emotionally unavailable’ when you do the same thing to others?

Finding someone who feels right for you isn’t always easy.

I think one of the issues is that people start out not knowing what they want

I was going to start a thread on it at some stage. I think it's less 'emotionally available' and more just starting not exactly knowing where they want to be.

I knew exactly what I wanted when I started dating (or so I thought!) but I know most people I spoke to didn't.

Rich I think there are many ‘not emotionally available’ people on dating sites, the men are just as bad if not worse, often they have joined because they are on the rebound or just can’t stand being alone but they are still not over their ex, others are just looking for pen pals to keep them busy in the evenings.

I have just been brave and asked Mr Mini what he is looking for as I see him as a FWB type thing but really I’m looking for a relationship. He says he’s looking for regular fun and maybe eventually a relationship as he’s quite busy at the moment (sorting some personal stuff out). I’m still unsure about meeting him on Sunday, I think if I get a better offer I will cancel.

I have a dilemma. I seem to have fallen into an occasional FWB arrangement with an ex boyfriend. I'm ok with this. I've told him I'm still dating (if I can actually find any dates) but I'm not sleeping with anyone else.

After the first time I asked if we could have a chat about what happened but he ignored me. So I sent him quite a stroppy text saying that I was happy being FWB, I didn't want a relationship with him but he needed to be honest with me about what he wanted.

He replied that he didn't have time for a relationship. He also said recently that he wasn't looking on Tinder any more. However, a couple of my friends have matched with him in the last week.

So my dilemma is - do I ask him to tell me if he is seeing someone or just continue as things are now? I would hate to find that he was seeing someone and potentially starting a new relationship but also sleeping with me.

I've never done FWB before so I don't know if you discuss dating or not with them.

myold, I've never had a fwb either,i'm not sure what advice will be given. But I hope you don't get too invested and end up getting hurt. I would keep dating others at the same time,but just sleep with him till someone great pops up. Is it the sex you miss or the company can I ask?

I could do with intimacy but I need to be in a relationship. The couple of one nighters I had a few years ago was amazing sex,but left me feeling shit when nothing materialised!

MyOld I wouldn’t ever have a FWB thing with anyone I have had feelings for, it will always end badly. Find someone you haven’t got a past with and someone who you are not likely to have feelings for. If I was in a FWB situation with someone and then I started dating someone else I would probably drop the FWB as soon as I was exclusive with the person I was dating.

It was a fair while ago, but when I had a fwb we discussed dating. We were friends, we did all the usual friend stuff - we just happened to also be screwing

@shit I can tell you what it isn't. It isn't making firm plans, getting back to you earlier than 3 days, showing an interest in your life, remembering details about your life, or talking to you about much besides sex.

super has it spot on. I usually find emotionally unavailable people to be flakey, they often talk a lot about themselves but don’t ask about you unless it’s sex talk, they disappear and then reappear when it suits them, they show no interest in what you tell them and forget what you have told them.

I would agree with all of that and you always end up chasing them and you are the one arranging all the meet ups

Because effectively shit they don't actually need you in their life, they aren't actually available to you. So you end up making yourself available all the time and they take you whenever it suits them.

You really can't define women by which app the use. I'm not sure what Hinge is, however with Bumble and Tinder, you and the other person have to swipe right on each other. That means already your narrowing down the pool to girls you find attractive and then even further by girls swiping on you making the chance of finding someone through these apps even smaller. Then there's a 50/50 chance one of you is using the site as a rebound place, and then that you have things in common. By even having a date you've narrowed the pool down so so much it's just unfortunate that they are emotionally unavailable.

Rich don't take this the wrong way, but I do feel like from the little I've read that you tend to get invested in women quite quickly and maybe you give off that air in person. The amount of analysis you're doing about one emotionally unavailable woman and then determining that all women are like this one is mental - you have to kick back a little bit and enjoy dating for what it is. Why don't you give PoF a try?! Then you can message every single woman you like, you can get your personality across and it's different to the matching sites you use right now.

Evening all - I think there are people on dating sites that want company and Sex but no interest in forming a relationship that will move forward. I seem to attract those guys!! As much as I like McDreamy I know I'm going to have the where do you see this going conversation soon will wait until End Feb if I can if it doesn't seem to be moving forward I will end it as I'm not looking just to fill a gap. Mr Grey No2 won't go away either he's initiating texting and opening up more to me but he's not asked me out again yet - until I feel I have a boyfriend I'm not going to stop seeing either of them. I said I was off the apps for Jan so will see if I stay off for Feb. I've got 2 dates set up with McDreamy until end of Jan so I guess it depends how they go. I like him there are no red flags but I don't know him well enough to know if he's relationship material yet. I also got a message from Mr DJ last night we had chatted before Xmas but he then was away travelling didn't expect to hear from him so was nice surprise.

Can I ask the guys on the page a question? Looking for honest answers. I'm quite a strong women. I'm forward and direct. I try hard to sit back but find it hard as I'm impatient too 🤣🤣🤣. What do guys think of forward women??

To the person that said they were feeling paranoid about what someone knew about them after adding them on WhatsApp...

I've started chatting to a guy and he seems to be into every single thing I am before I've even said it. Now....we might be a perfect match!! But I can't help feeling he's been snooping. Not sure where he'd get the info from though tbf. We'll see how it goes!

Well, cheerfully bumble has notified me that January is the most active month for dating.

I've had one match on it this year.

Where do you live Dan? I might swipe right 😂

Bit of a dilemma. Have a date lined up for Friday with a guy from Tinder I've only chatted to a few times. Seems nice, smart guy and into similar things but haven't really had that rapport on chat...in fact I haven't spoken to him once today and the last thing he said to me yesterday was a bit meh?

Anyway. After the date was planned I got a message from someone on POF who caught my eye and he's the one who is totally into everything I am. Good rapport going and frequent chat...no mention of meeting yet but can tell he's keen to get to know someone first. Now I'm wondering if I should cancel Friday date because I'm invested in getting to know this guy and not that one 🤦🏻‍♀️

The other part of me wants to keep my options open as this is the first time I'm dating again in over a year so need to meet a variety of people.

I think I'll see if date guy even messages me again. Maybe the dates off for him now as our chat has fizzled out. Part of me is also too tired to go Friday as I'm out Saturday night too 😂

@shitwithsugaron For me it has been girls on the rebound, those that just want a night out and no intention of anything more and those that are still hung up on someone else. I guess a lot don't know that they are emotionally unavailable though or just don't communicate what they want.

I know you're right @Auba - I am having counselling to address it, not that I'm messed up or anything. Just want to find someone to share my life with and do what I can to make happy. I guess it's just frustrating and I'm not very good at putting up boundaries for myself in that sense. I did try PoF but had zero luck from it.

@Focus2019 Definitely be up front, you'll probably scare off those with an avoidant attachment type but you probably wouldn't want to be with those anyway. Be true to yourself, that's the most important thing. For me I can't be doing with not knowing where I stand especially early on and you have to do that nonsense of waiting 10 mins to reply to a text as you don't want to appear 'too eager'. That whole racket might work for some short-term but you can’t hide yourself in the long run so there’s no point trying to do so.